When I lost my breast to the mastectomy, I lost my sexy. I lost the feeling of femininity. It was strange to me because prior to that surgery, I would have never thought that how I viewed myself was in anyway connected to my breasts at all.
I lived with one breast for 10 months. Some women live the remainder of their lives with one (or no) breast(s) after their mastectomy. Those 10 months were very challenging for me. I often felt like a fraud. Like I was masquerading as a woman... hard to feel sexy when you've lost the connection to your own body.
I have now had my new breast for nearly a year and my connection to my sexuality and my sensuality is much stronger than it used to be. But I do believe that it can be even greater than it is. I know now that when I get dressed, I look good in my clothes. I like that my belly is flat -- though I feel a little fraudulent about that too. Flat belly from surgery, not exercise. That's cheating, right? (shrug) But I still am not completely connected to this new body. I go through periods were I vacillate between feeling uber-sexy and non-sexy. It is strange.
I look at old pictures of myself and I remember how dissatisfied I was with my body before cancer... and yet, I felt sexy and attractive every day. (laughs) Even on the days where I didn't look my best, I felt sexy. Now, its just not the same. I feel sexy when I'm dressed up. I feel sexy if I'm spending time with a special person. But if I'm alone... or dressed very casually... nope. Not a bit of sexiness do I feel.
I understand logically that my feelings of sexy start in my mind and go from there. But it just doesn't always translate. Struggling to pull this compression sleeve on and off -- not sexy. Running my hand across my skin and noticing how dry and thin it feels -- not sexy. Fighting with this (still) strangely curly hair everyday -- not sexy. Being afraid to have my brows waxed too frequently because I'm secretly worried that the hair won't grow back in a timely manner -- not sexy. Being scared to death to have a pedicure because the risk of infection is high -- not sexy. And on, and on.
The little things make a woman like me feel sexy. A fresh haircut, nicely shaped brows, pretty painted toes... yes. Those little touches make me feel so much like a beautiful girl. Trying to forget or ignore all the other ways that my life is different is a constant reminder of that non-sexy feeling. I don't move like I used to. I can't use my arm like I used to. My arm doesn't look like it used to. My clothes don't fit like they used to. Some things I need to get rid of because they will never fit again -- like my collection of expensive bras in my former size. I have a stockpile of things that I've collected over the past two years... things that I needed to cope with different side effects of treatment. When I open the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and see the soothing gel I used on my burns during radiation treatment, I get teary. And yet, I can't bring myself to throw it away. I have more bandages that the normal person should own... but I needed them when my fingernails and toenails lifted and fell off during chemotherapy. I can't throw those away. The toothpaste I used then. The lotion and creams that I used on my sensitive chemo skin... The collection of pill bottles... you get the drift.
I know I should throw that stuff away and be done with it. Move on. But I'm finding it difficult. So, I look past it. Act like its not taking up too much space in my life... but it is. And I know that its far beyond time for it to go.
I suspect that I will focus on taking care of that this week. I need a fresh wind to move through my life and my world. Guess it starts with me cleaning out my closets and getting rid of things that are from my old life. Maybe then some of the cobwebs in my head will fall... and my sexy will come back full-time.
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