Life after breast cancer treatment

I've been discussing a lot of the intimate details about my life after my breast cancer treatment ended. The truth is that while I'm different -- I have health issues and concerns that I didn't have 2 years ago -- I'm also very much the same. Sometimes its difficult to merge the two women that I feel I am.

It is dificult to know which woman is going to emerge in different situations. They have different emotional baggage and face life with differing motives. One feels weak and scared more often than not. The other wants to be superwoman and do everything she ever thought was possible.

Figuring out how to work with these two women is becoming a full-time job. Life continues to present me with opportunities that I probably would never have received had I not gone through this challenge. So a part of me is really excited and grateful for the twists and turns in the journey. But another part of me is still fighting deep-rooted anger and deep sadness that it took all of this -- stage 3 cancer diagnosis, chemotherapy, mastectomy, radiation, reconstruction -- in order for me to wake up to the possibility of a life of fulfilled dreams.

Can I hate and love something at the same time? Breast cancer ruined my body, stole my relationship, put me in debt, scared my friends and family and continues to offer physical challengs that make me want to cry some days. But breast cancer forced me to write, forced me to step out of my fear of rejection and continues to make me scream that I am here! I am here! I am here!

I still look at other survivors and wonder how they seem to manage living life so well. This disease continues to ravage my spirit (though not as often as in the past) and I keep thinking and wondering what the future holds. My appointment with my oncologist was rescheduled for early April. So, I still don't know what my my current prognosis is. I feel fine -- relatively speaking. But that is so deceptive because I felt fine before I ever found out that I had breast cancer.

Sigh.

I don't know. I suppose that I am still a work in progress.