Still thinking about sex after breast cancer

Still thinking about sex after breast cancer

Well, I seemed to have stirred the embers with this topic. Though only a few people were brave enough to post a comment directly to my blog, I have received quite a bit of mail on this topic. So, I’m not the only lusty chick out here wondering where did the love go and when will it return? (Laughs) I am happy to hear that.

And for all those luscious guys who have made kind offers of assistance -- (head nod) – yeah, I’m considering that. (Laughs) Expect an email or a text message soon. Soon!

But seriously, this is a touchy topic and it’s slightly embarrassing for me to discuss. I’m not the girl to talk a lot about sex. I become embarrassed and I blush and it just gets real weird/goofy/uncomfortable feeling for me. I suppose that means that I have some latent issues surrounding sexual intimacy that I might need to work on but in the meantime…

The question about sexual intimacy after breast cancer is a real one and I’ll keep diving into the topic until I figure out a resolution. The issue is bigger than me. There are millions of women right now living with the after-math of breast cancer. I’d venture a guess that many (if not most) of them would like to have or resume a healthy sex life at some point.

Once again, reading the breast cancer message boards has prodded me to understanding just how big breast cancer is and how pervasive the fear surrounding it can be. I read a few posts recently that reminded me that it’s not just the fear about sharing your new body with someone; it’s also about navigating different erogenous areas and making shifts and changes to “how” you make love with your new body.

Those of us with newly reconstructed boobies have to cope with the notion that the new boobies don’t have the old boobie’s feeling capabilities. The new boobies may not have nipples and for some of us that is a DRASTIC change from life before breast cancer.

(I am flushed and beet red right now… but I am determined to keep tackling this topic with honesty and openness)

Before breast cancer, my fairly large and luscious boobies were also super-sensitive and contributed to the enjoyment I experienced during intimate moments. Now, I’m down to just one lady in that game and pretty soon, even she will be adjusted and I don’t know how that will affect her ability to contribute to the feathery, tickly-ness that I am used to feeling in my tummy when…  you know, this is too much information for the blog. Suffice it to say, I’m gonna MISS that girl something serious. She definitely played her part well. (Laughs)

Anyway, I was reading another pink ribbon sister’s discussion of a recent evening with friends and how she felt different with her new boobies even though men seemed to react to her the same way they always have. Something she said in her remarks stood out for me because I had not considered it before. She said that her new breasts weren’t sexual to her anymore. She lost that erogenous zone when she lost her nipples.

I had not considered that even with a lumpectomy (which is a partial removal of the affected breast – just the tumor and its margins are removed from the breast) the likelihood that you will lose one erogenous zone still exists.

Wow, talk about unfair. Not only are you trying to balance the way your body looks after treatment and surgeries, but on top of that your erogenous zone ceases to exist? Seriously? Ugh what a nightmare!

I guess I could spin it and decide that now my excitement could be figuring out new erogenous zones – again, this is assuming that I can find a boyfriend and have sex again (laughs). But in all seriousness, these are conversations that I really think should take place in the beginning of your treatment. The compartmentalization of what breast cancer means to your life is not the best way to handle this from a patient’s emotional point of view. This thing is like being in a horrible car accident. One day your life is totally normal and then bam! Into a brick wall and everything is totally different. No warning, no preparation… just oh! Here’s your new life, good as new, right? Wrong. Wrong, wrong!

Sigh.

It’s frustrating and annoying to realize that the issues of feminine sexuality, sexual arousal and well, sexual satisfaction are pushed to the back-burner when it comes to treatment. I wonder whether men are treated the same way when it comes to prostate cancer.

We’ve got to find a new way to deal with this. Because d*mmit… I want my sex life back and I want it to be as good as or better than before. Actually, I’m putting my order in for far better than before. Something wonderful has to come from this crazy breast cancer journey, right? Why can’t it be an exquisite sex life? (A girl can dream and hope right?)

I’ve read a bunch of very clinical (read: boring and dry) pamphlets about your sex drive and breast cancer. And they did nothing to provide ideas or suggestions about how to cope with your changing body image, your changed sexual abilities and what sort of head-trip that could send you on. If I am not my hair (thanks India Arie!) then my sex is more than my va-jay-jay and my beauty is more than my skin and my curves (though I like both of those and want them to return to their full glory asap). My breasts weren’t just window dressing on a cute frame. They were an active part of my life and my sensuality.

What I’m saying is that I am a little bit upset. I am happy to be alive. But the life that I seem to have been given isn’t the life that I put in the hands of my medical team in 2008. What they gave me back just isn’t the same and I’m frustrated with searching for ME again. They gave me back a life that says… SURVIVOR. This is fine except I gave them a life that said FREE!

Survivor seems so pared down and almost pale in comparison. I suppose I have to change that. (Ding!) I guess that’s what “My Fabulous Boobies” really is all about. Changing the perception of being a breast cancer survivor.

*singing*

I am not my hair

I am not this skin

I am not your expectations, no!

Hey!

I am not my hair

I am not this skin

I am the soul that lives within.