Hair chronicles: returning to the "old" me

I’ve been stressed out about my hair for the past few months. When it started growing back, I was happy about it. As it continued to grow, I was still sort of thrilled about it. Although, I was pretty confused about how to care for it and style it. So, I started experimenting with different products and such. And it was growing pretty well. That was good.

 

For some reason though, I got it in my head that I needed a haircut. A shaping or something. I didn’t like what I was seeing in the mirror every day. I liked the hair itself, but I didn’t like my overall look anymore. Spring is coming and I needed something with some oomph.

 

Long story short, I cut my hair last night. I went to the barbershop and sat in my regular chair and got a haircut. It has been a year and a half since the last time I sat in that chair. I was happy to see my barber and we chatted a bit about nothing per usual but it was good. It was the same rhythm from before cancer. That was what I wanted. Some of that old rhythm in my life.

 

He started those clippers and I sat there stoic-faced trying not to be shocked as the little curlies fell on the floor. But it was really hard not to cry. I don’t know why. My haircut is really nice. Very sharp. Suits me just fine. But cutting my hair was really not the move.

 

I am really unhappy. Not with his work but it is slowly dawning on me that I am not that girl anymore. Every time I try to push myself back into the old me mold, I realize that I don’t fit there anymore.

 

I made a promise to myself that I would let my hair grow. And then I cut it. For no real reason other than I wanted to feel cute and sassy again. But I am realizing that like India Arie sang… I am not my hair. Hair doesn’t define me – but I mean that in the sense that I don’t have to wear a certain style any longer to feel or express my beauty. I don’t have to go back to the old me and the old definition of what makes Nic beautiful. I can be a very pretty and beautiful Nic with long curly hair too.

 

Sigh. Just wish I had this revelation before I went to the barbershop last night. (smile)

 

Oh well, back to the beginning. We start from here growing more hair.