One step forward, two breasts back

A few weeks ago, Nic wrote about her pending TRAM flap surgery and her uncertainty about going through with it.  Well, I'm here to say that even with up-to-the-last-minute doubts, Nicole underwent the twelve hour reconstructive surgery on Wednesday and is faring very well.  When I spoke with her today she was experiencing some pain but had a great sister-friend and an awesome cousin visiting and making her laugh.  I can't begin to describe the feelings and emotions that she's experienced (just over the last five days) with the raw eloquence that she does, so I won't even try.  Anticipating her return to the blog, to describe the latest stop on her journey, will give us all something to look forward to.

I will say-as her friend, her sister, her prayer partner, her ace-thank you for all of your love, support, and prayers.  Being the modest woman that she is, she may remove this blog entry later but since I have the floor now...Nicole is such an amazing, inspirational sister with a story that many don't even know the half of.  The strength that this woman has shown (even in her weaker moments) during her journey with breast cancer has been admirable, to say the least.  I am so proud and blessed to have her friendship and I look forward to growing old together.  Interestingly, while I'll be old and saggy, Nic will be oldER and perky.  Hey, you've gotta try to find the bright spots wherever you can!

Nic, I love ya, girl! And thank you for trusting me with your baby (blog).  And for those who may think that my usage of the term 'raw eloquence' is an oxymoron, you must not have read this sistah's writing.

-Michal

celebrating life...

My birthday brunch/lunch ended up being more of an early dinner. (laughs) Only one person was at the restaurant on time and it wasn't me. My party came in slowly over the course of about 1.5 hours. It was crazy... but funny. We ended up converging on the bar area for while because the restaurant would not seat us until a large portion of the group had arrived. Utter madness.

I'm not much of a stickler about time normally... but I was even more laid back about it than even I would have believed I could be. Though it wasn't expected, it was kind of cool that everyone was late because it gave me an opportunity to speak to each person individually, to hug and kiss them... and to just be with them for a moment. I'm not sure that I would have been able to do that if everyone was on time.

We laughed, had great conversation, took pictures, LAUGHED some more and generally created a jovial ruckus at the restaurant. We had a great time. I ended up wearing a pantsuit because I couldn't find a dress I liked. The suit was nice and it was comfortable but the shoes I picked - while cute were wrong, wrong... wrong. Could not walk in those bad boys. Lost my balance twice before I took them off and put them in my purse. (laughs)

I realize that everyone isn't like me... but I absolutely love celebrating my birthday every year in a nice way. This year was really great. The people who came were all people who mean a lot to me, people that by being fully and authentically themselves have taught me to be the same. Folks who are so good to me with the gift of their friendship, love and guidance that they make me want to be the best me I can be. There were people who were missing but I firmly believe that we are all where we're supposed to be no matter where we are. My birthday was supposed to be celebrated when it was, how it was and with that exact group of people.

The beauty of the celebration was the absolute joy of being in the presence of so much love. It didn't hurt that my friends are outspoken and easy to get along with. That took pressure off me to try to engage everyone with conversation. I didn't have to do a thing but look around me and enjoy the blessings of great friendships. I was very much in the moment and not stressing about my illness.

Lately my sleep has been fitful and short. But more than that, I've been having really vivid dreams -- not quite nightmares but about as close as you can get. Some of the dreams have led me to think long and hard about my own death, and also my own funeral and what that might be like. Morbid, I know but I'm being honest. I'm in no hurry for death to happen but I have been thinking about it lately. Seeing my friends together for a happy occasion was beautiful and it soothed my heart immensely.

Hey... we're all going to die one day. It will probably not be when we want, or where we want or even how we want. But, since I know that the day will come I want to make the most of the days I do have. Days like Saturday push that positive urge forward.

I have moments when I feel compelled to tell people - total strangers - that I'm fighting breast cancer. I can't explain it. I don't know if I want their understanding or pity... or if I just think that they care or need to know. But the urge is always just under my skin, just on the tip of my tongue. However on Saturday, surrounded by people who love me and know my story... it was a non-issue. The release of that burden was worth every minute I stressed about getting together, the time we spent waiting to be seated... and my trying to eat too-spicy food. It was WORTH IT, to not be solely present in my "I-have-breast-cancer-fear" for a few hours.

On reflection, I can't tell you what I did exactly. Maybe it was just being out. Or trying to walk in 5 inch heels. Or possibly the non-stop laughter for hours and hours... but whatever it was that I did... I was absolutely sore and totally worn out on Sunday. But it was a good fatigue and ache.

I tried to keep the event small because I did not want to overextend myself. Considering how tired I was on Sunday, I made a good choice. But, I will have to make more efforts to see all of my friends and family this year. It truly did my heart good to spend quality time celebrating life.

I am alive. Life will not always be what you want it to be. And you can expect a curveball to come your way when you're least prepared for it. But even with that, I know now that I am okay.

Feeling okay so far... after #2

So, this is me and Tiff... at karaoke night on Wednesday, the night before my second chemo treatment. Just laughing and having fun. Nothing serious. That night was the best I'd felt physically since my first dose.

Now, its the day after the second dose and I'm moving a little slow, but I am not as achy as before. I'm hoping that it will remain this manageable for the next few days.

I wanted to tell y'all about the pee-pee man... and why I ended up writing all that stuff about my boyfriend.

On Thursday, D dropped me off at the medical center while he looked for a parking space. So I was in the waiting room by myself. Rather, I was without him but I wasn't alone because it was very crowded in there Thursday morning.

An older white gentleman came in, looking disheveled and unbathed but he seemed generally in control of his faculties. And then he walked past me and sat one seat away from me. Whew lawd... he smelled like strong urine. It was sad. His clothes were wrinkled and a bit dirty, his hair looked unwashed and stringy... he had this sad little black briefcase in his hand. Just a sight of pitifulness.

And the thought that hit me was... he's all alone. With the exception of a few folks, most of the patients had someone accompanying them. Let me tell you... it is a sad experience going to the Cancer Center. You know that everyone there is in a crisis. Some of us look like it, others do not. But you wouldn't be there if you didn't have to be.

D has gone with me to every doctor visit leading up to the chemotherapy and each chemo trip. He has been by my side every scary step of the way. As I stole glances at this gentleman, I felt sad for him. He seemed to be capable enough of taking care of himself, but not fully so. I wondered if he was single, or divorced or widowed. Someone around to tell him the basics like... honey, you can't wear these clothes, they stink. Or baby, you stink. Something like that... just a reminder in the midst of his own crisis that the world still goes on and you can be a part of it too.

A few moments later, D came up -- I sent him a warning text that the pee-pee man was in the waiting room and it was stanking to high heaven in there. He came into the center and found me. Greeted me with a kiss... and then pulled out a starbucks bag. :)

He had picked up some breakfast for me... an apple fritter and some luscious grapefruit juice. He didn't have to be that thoughtful, he never does... but he always is. Always. Even when I'm snappy, or silent, or tearful... he's right there, right there.... RIGHT THERE.

He took me back to the hospital today... for my follow up injection. And he had learned the day before when we were talking with the oncologists... that I have been battling some wicked gas. I mean... wooo lawd there are some moments over here when I just can't stand my own self. I've been keeping that secret really close to my heart. lol...

So... this afternoon, I had a moment when we were at pizza hut... when I felt the wickedness coming upon me... and I didn't know what to do. So, I did what I thought was best. I warned him that I was about to blow!

He could have made jokes, or made me feel badly... but he just laughed... and then challenged me to a duel.

lol... I do love that man.

I passed on the duel. Something tells me... I would have lost that fight... but I loved the way he diffused my fear just that easily.

I like going to the restaurant where he works...and just being around him and his family. But looking at the picture of me and Tiff... I know there will be days to come when I can't make it. There already have been days I had to stay in the bed. Didn't help when the doctor told me I couldn't have any late nights. I needed to get my rest, and stay home as much as possible.

What??

I tried to plead my love case... "my boyfriend works at a restaurant and I don't get to see him too often unless I go to where he is...." Yeah... that didn't go over to swell. I used to go over about 5 times a week. Have dinner with my baby after work, then head home. But now... its like once every other week. Maybe twice in a two week period. So, the time we spend in chemo is even more priceless because its basically hours of uninterrupted time.

All that to say... although I enjoy talking about people and giggling... won't lie. I often learn a lot about myself and life by just watching people. The pee-pee man reminded me that having someone in your corner, boyfriend, girlfriend, neighbors, family, colleagues... is priceless.

Just like this picture of me and Tiff.

Priceless.