another day...

I haven't posted since my last chemotherapy session. Really... nothing much to say at this point.

My hair has fallen out... I look a bit scraggly by the head. I thought that I would shave it when it got to this point... but now, I don't see the point. I rarely leave the house now and when I do, I wear a baseball cap. It seems to work.

But if it doesn't... no one will tell me differently.

Food... is still an issue. I'm still on trial and error time. Somethings work, others don't. The weight is coming off... but its relatively slow, so I'm not going to worry about it. Weight loss is expected with chemotherapy. I lost 10 pounds between chemo sessions -- and I was freaked out at first... but after worrying for a few days... I realized that I could lose 10 pounds each session and still... be a little on the thick side. Ha ha... guess sometimes it pays to be overweight, huh?

That calmed me down. My issue is that I'm downright greedy and I can't seem to be satisfied anymore. So, my appetite just fades away.

I think about food, about the food I really like... and sometimes I'll try to get it. Only to take that first bite... and nothing. Not good, not bad... just... chewing. Its the damnedest feeling in the world. But okay. This is a part of the process, right?

This is the first time that I've been at a loss for words. I am not quite sad, not quite angry. Just flat, melancholy I guess. I learned this week that a friend from my college days has ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). That was really hard news to hear. I'm still really "stuck" on that.

Its one thing to be going through your own storm, your own crisis. But to hear about other people going through similar battles... its... its almost disheartening. I've had some wild thoughts and questions run through my mind. I won't share all of them, so you don't think that I'm ungrateful or something.

But really... with so much going on in the world, so many people suffering... I keep wondering... why?

Why now? Why at all? Just... why? Some of us will make it through, others won't. What will it be for in the end? What is the lesson in this for all of us? For any of us? Why?

Am I sounding like Job right now? I think I'm feeling that way a little bit. Not that I'm even remotely as good, as holy as Job was. But I know that God loved me... why do I feel punished? Why was Will "punished"...? Or is this punishment at all? And if its not... then what is it?

Every time I go to the cancer center... I am so deeply saddened by how many sick people are there. It really upsets me. Like I said... I can (sort of) accept that I've been chosen to walk this path and bear this burden. But to watch the same sadness, melancholy on the faces of other people... its almost too much some days.

Another downside to being sick is that people stop sharing their stories with you. They don't want to burden you with their stuff. And ... honestly, that's not that horrible. Except for those folks who mean so much to you that you want to share their burdens and help them with their problems... and you realize that they aren't talking to you the way they used to. I guess I asked for this... by being so wrapped up in being sick, having cancer... that I pulled away from people. Now I have so much free time... and I want something to think about other than... all the ways that cancer has changed my life. Is this what its like to be sick? Just hour after hour of thinking about yourself?

I have books to read, but they don't really interest me. And the one book that is interesting... gives me nightmares. (a long way gone... memoirs of a boy soldier) This book is so gripping and so deeply sad and maddening... that I can only read a few pages at a time... and then I want to weep for the little boy who had to endure so much pain and misery.


When did life become so unfair? And at the same... it is full of miracles and happiness. How is that possible?

I just have questions on top of questions right now... which is why I haven't been in a rush to post anything. Nothing much is new. I feel crazy, I feel like I'm not myself... I think I stink of chemotherapy drugs. Just... crazy I tell you.

Just crazy.

But I'm still praying... everyday but I don't know why. Should I be praying for a miraculous cure? Or an easy time through the process? Should I pray for comfort through the hot flashes? Or, the ability to endure them and not be angry? Should I pray to be happier instead of angry? Or is it okay to be angry?

See... just questions. What a lousy post this was. I'm going to the bathroom (something I do every 10 mins now... thanks chemo!)

Have a great weekend everyone.

~nic