I've spent most of the day laying down, my legs and back have been hurting something awful today. I did walk around the house a little and I even cooked a late dinner (enchiladas). But generally, I've been in a really relaxed state today.
I took some time and reviewed the entries in this blog. I took note that I didn't write much in October -- only 4 posts. I think that was because I felt particularly bad then -- chemo was really kicking my butt and I didn't know how to deal with it. And also, I was emotionally in a really dark place. It was tough to keep my spirits up while I was feeling so bad. But even when I was re-reading the entries, I couldn't think of more to add.
November has had a few more entries... but so far, nothing compares to September. That was when everything was in full flow, there was so much to think about, examine, make choices about... so much swirling in my head. Now... there is still a lot that I think about everyday, but most of it I've already shared with you. The thoughts just stay on rotation in my mind... as I try to map out the future and get myself emotionally strengthened to deal with it.
I am getting my mind wrapped about the mastectomy and the reconstruction surgeries. In a few short weeks... everything will change again. Like I said before, I am happy that the two surgeries can be done at the same time. That will really help me handle my emotions about losing my breast. But... I've been internet surfing tonight and the pictures that I've seen of mastectomy patients before and after their reconstruction surgeries.... are scary. No joke.
aaahhhh.... yeah, Nic is gonna need some more hand-holding to get through this part. FOR REAL.
The precautions, side effects, whatever... are crazy.
-my new breast won't have any sensation (wow).
-it won't look like the other one, but close
-the healthy breast will have to be reduced and lifted so that it looks similar to the reconstructed breast
-um... I might not have a nipple when I get up from the operating table
-a nipple might have to be TATTOOED on, a few months down the line (aaacckkk?)
-if I have the DIEP procedure... I might have to get a new belly button too (wha?)
-(this one is a doozy)... they can construct a nipple out of tissue from my labia (yes, part of my vagina)
I mean... I love my breasts just like I love my entire body, flaws and all. I have enjoyed my very full breasts, even when they embarrassed me. However, in considering the future with breasts that won't have any feeling, where the nipple/areola is tattooed in place, or the nipple is plastic and I stick it on when I want the look of a nipple (??)... and so forth... I am literally stunned into no emotional response at all. I'm not mad, I'm not sad, I'm just flat.
God-willing, I will have a child in a year or two. And, what's funny... though I have considered having a breast reduction in the past, I always changed my mind because I wanted to breast feed my baby. Now, (yet again) it seems that my waiting was in vain because I won't be able to breast feed my kid after all. Not a huge tragedy -- anything could have happened to prevent me from breast feeding actually, but wow. Still a blower.
Our bodies grow and change and we're never the same year after year. And getting older has it own set of physical and emotional changes due to changes in your body. But this thing is taking it too far... lol.
**HOT FLASHES ARE REALLY A PAIN IN THE ASS!! Lord.. why am I STILL itching from the chemotherapy interaction a few days ago? Pure Hell! Real sick of scratching and digging everywhere.... ugh! **
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Today is Thanksgiving... and I am so very thankful this year
Its Turkey Day! oops... I mean, Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
I have been in a holiday mood for a couple of weeks now. It hit me just after Halloween and hasn't let me go yet. I am not normally this holiday happy. Usually, I get into the swing of things just after Thanksgiving... or maybe just a week before Christmas.
This has been one amazing year. Really amazing. God has moved in some hugely miraculous ways in my life... and I am so thankful for that. I got a new job that seemed created just for me at this time in my life. It was exactly what I had prayed for -- even though it is off my career track a bit. I wanted a job that wasn't too stressful, that would allow me to go back to school and that had an excellent benefits package. I started that job a few days after my birthday this year and it was good. Nice people, great location... just nice.
This year, I had also decided that I was going to open myself up to having a good, solid relationship. A real boyfriend, lol. It may seem weird to say..."I decided"... but I really did. I didn't know who he would be, or where he would be... but I knew that there had to be one guy out there who would look at me and see the prettiest girl in the world and want to be with me. So I decided that this year, I would be open to letting him find me and being in a relationship. I was also open to not finding him and continuing to be single too. God worked it out that I found a boyfriend in a friend I had known for many years. Like pow!
I had hoped that this year, I could finally make a decision about whether or not I was going to have a child, adopt a child... something with a kid and me. My age was starting to freak me out about the whole "mommy" deal... and this was the year that I had to face the decision head on. (That was why I prayed for good benefits) And, circumstances have made that decision for me. At least for now. But even though this cancer may delay my ability to have kids -- it is not over for me yet. I was talking to one of the ladies who works at the cancer center last week about having babies (she's about to have her second one any day...) and she told me about two patients from the cancer center who have become pregnant after their illnesses. One lady got pregnant for the first time at 49 (I think!). Now that's amazing. I don't want to do that...lol. So, I'm keeping hope alive that I'll still get my little bundle of joy at some point in this life.
What else did I want for this year...? Oh! I wanted to travel this year. I didn't do that. I had started my plans though. I will be travelling next year -- no doubt. I am fortunate that my really good job, has really great vacation days. So, I am really excited that when I return to work, I will be able to go on a few nice vacations next year.
I think the reason why I got hit with the holiday buzz so early this year... is because I have so much time on my hands right now. I'm not as caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday living... so I've had lots of time to reflect on my year, and my life.
There are two things that I am extremely grateful for this year... My daddy's amazing recovery from his aneurysm tops the list though. My dad has never been really ill. I can't even remember him having the flu or something like that. He's just an ordinarily healthy guy. With the exception of really bad allergies... he never seems down or out of it. When he got sick and I saw him in the hospital with all the tubes and machines... it wore my heart out. My dad is a really good guy. He can make you smile in a minute by telling you some long drawn out story... lol... that you'll swear he made up but he'll swear its the truth. He has an opinion on EVERYTHING... especially politics... and he's more than happy to share it with you. He loves kids and kids love him. He's just... Lorenzo. And I couldn't love him more if I tried.
Seeing my dad in the intensive care unit was really hard. But seeing him now, back at work and functioning like nothing ever happened is amazing. I can see a shift in his eyes now... I think he's much more aware that he's fragile (something I can relate to myself) but he's still here and he's still daddy. That is a huge blessing.
The last thing I am super-thankful for -- is me. I don't say that lightly because I am sure that few of us are ever so self-focused that we are simply thankful that we're here. Providing something to the world that no one else can or does. I have pouted, cried, wailed, shouted... and more... about this breast cancer. It has taken me through pain, nausea, diarrhea, loss of appetite, weight loss, hair loss, skin peeling, skin darkening, mouth sores, and more. I have been in the hospital for days... getting blood transfusions and other things. I have been to the cancer center getting chemotherapy more days than I'd like to count now. I have made friends with nurses, and medical staff in several medical facilities in the city. I have carried cd's of my sonogram -- where my enemy Fred was located -- in my purse for days. I have shipped films of my mammograms across the city -- hoping for a different answer. But in all of this... I am still here. I am still smiling and I am able to have dinner with my parents today... and say a short prayer of thanks to God that I am able to still write down my thoughts and share them with the world.
I know that Thanksgiving isn't a big deal to a lot of people. And I know that many folks don't celebrate it, or see the need for a special day to say thanks. But I am not that person -- not today, not this year. God has been too good to me, for me to take this day in vain and not say..
I am so thankful... for everything in my life. Good and bad. Because what seems like bad... can also be seen as good. There is really a blessing in everything if we open our eyes to see it.
I don't know how many people read this blog on a regular basis... but I am thankful for your listening ear. I am grateful for your prayers, and good wishes and gifts. I am so blessed that you care enough to listen and watch me go through this process of healing and growing. I cannot say thank you enough...
But I will certainly try.
Thank you. And have a great Thanksgiving Day!!
...and if you're wondering how I'm feeling... its a typical second day after chemo... I'm achy and I'm itchy (that's the reaction to the medicine...) and I'm okay with both. (smile...)
Its time to eat!
I have been in a holiday mood for a couple of weeks now. It hit me just after Halloween and hasn't let me go yet. I am not normally this holiday happy. Usually, I get into the swing of things just after Thanksgiving... or maybe just a week before Christmas.
This has been one amazing year. Really amazing. God has moved in some hugely miraculous ways in my life... and I am so thankful for that. I got a new job that seemed created just for me at this time in my life. It was exactly what I had prayed for -- even though it is off my career track a bit. I wanted a job that wasn't too stressful, that would allow me to go back to school and that had an excellent benefits package. I started that job a few days after my birthday this year and it was good. Nice people, great location... just nice.
This year, I had also decided that I was going to open myself up to having a good, solid relationship. A real boyfriend, lol. It may seem weird to say..."I decided"... but I really did. I didn't know who he would be, or where he would be... but I knew that there had to be one guy out there who would look at me and see the prettiest girl in the world and want to be with me. So I decided that this year, I would be open to letting him find me and being in a relationship. I was also open to not finding him and continuing to be single too. God worked it out that I found a boyfriend in a friend I had known for many years. Like pow!
I had hoped that this year, I could finally make a decision about whether or not I was going to have a child, adopt a child... something with a kid and me. My age was starting to freak me out about the whole "mommy" deal... and this was the year that I had to face the decision head on. (That was why I prayed for good benefits) And, circumstances have made that decision for me. At least for now. But even though this cancer may delay my ability to have kids -- it is not over for me yet. I was talking to one of the ladies who works at the cancer center last week about having babies (she's about to have her second one any day...) and she told me about two patients from the cancer center who have become pregnant after their illnesses. One lady got pregnant for the first time at 49 (I think!). Now that's amazing. I don't want to do that...lol. So, I'm keeping hope alive that I'll still get my little bundle of joy at some point in this life.
What else did I want for this year...? Oh! I wanted to travel this year. I didn't do that. I had started my plans though. I will be travelling next year -- no doubt. I am fortunate that my really good job, has really great vacation days. So, I am really excited that when I return to work, I will be able to go on a few nice vacations next year.
I think the reason why I got hit with the holiday buzz so early this year... is because I have so much time on my hands right now. I'm not as caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday living... so I've had lots of time to reflect on my year, and my life.
There are two things that I am extremely grateful for this year... My daddy's amazing recovery from his aneurysm tops the list though. My dad has never been really ill. I can't even remember him having the flu or something like that. He's just an ordinarily healthy guy. With the exception of really bad allergies... he never seems down or out of it. When he got sick and I saw him in the hospital with all the tubes and machines... it wore my heart out. My dad is a really good guy. He can make you smile in a minute by telling you some long drawn out story... lol... that you'll swear he made up but he'll swear its the truth. He has an opinion on EVERYTHING... especially politics... and he's more than happy to share it with you. He loves kids and kids love him. He's just... Lorenzo. And I couldn't love him more if I tried.
Seeing my dad in the intensive care unit was really hard. But seeing him now, back at work and functioning like nothing ever happened is amazing. I can see a shift in his eyes now... I think he's much more aware that he's fragile (something I can relate to myself) but he's still here and he's still daddy. That is a huge blessing.
The last thing I am super-thankful for -- is me. I don't say that lightly because I am sure that few of us are ever so self-focused that we are simply thankful that we're here. Providing something to the world that no one else can or does. I have pouted, cried, wailed, shouted... and more... about this breast cancer. It has taken me through pain, nausea, diarrhea, loss of appetite, weight loss, hair loss, skin peeling, skin darkening, mouth sores, and more. I have been in the hospital for days... getting blood transfusions and other things. I have been to the cancer center getting chemotherapy more days than I'd like to count now. I have made friends with nurses, and medical staff in several medical facilities in the city. I have carried cd's of my sonogram -- where my enemy Fred was located -- in my purse for days. I have shipped films of my mammograms across the city -- hoping for a different answer. But in all of this... I am still here. I am still smiling and I am able to have dinner with my parents today... and say a short prayer of thanks to God that I am able to still write down my thoughts and share them with the world.
I know that Thanksgiving isn't a big deal to a lot of people. And I know that many folks don't celebrate it, or see the need for a special day to say thanks. But I am not that person -- not today, not this year. God has been too good to me, for me to take this day in vain and not say..
I am so thankful... for everything in my life. Good and bad. Because what seems like bad... can also be seen as good. There is really a blessing in everything if we open our eyes to see it.
I don't know how many people read this blog on a regular basis... but I am thankful for your listening ear. I am grateful for your prayers, and good wishes and gifts. I am so blessed that you care enough to listen and watch me go through this process of healing and growing. I cannot say thank you enough...
But I will certainly try.
Thank you. And have a great Thanksgiving Day!!
...and if you're wondering how I'm feeling... its a typical second day after chemo... I'm achy and I'm itchy (that's the reaction to the medicine...) and I'm okay with both. (smile...)
Its time to eat!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Feeling Thankful - Spread it Around
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. You get to eat a lot and think about why you're thankful. I'm willing to bet we all have something to be thankful for even during these hard economic times.
Some of the things I'm happy about this year:
- I have a good paying job that I like
- I have OYFP!
- I get to have two Thanksgiving dinners, one with my family and one with my boyfriend's family --- mmmmm pie!
If you want to help other people keep some full bellies or perhaps have an empty belly yourself, consider donating to or visiting the following local food banks and food pantries:
- Greater Boston Food Bank, 99 Atkinson Rd, Boston
- Boston Medical Center Food Pantry, 801 Massachusetts Ave, Boston
Or check out Boston.com's list of pantries and shelters who could use a little assistance this season, and really, all year long.
Or check out Boston.com's list of pantries and shelters who could use a little assistance this season, and really, all year long.
Happy Turkey Day!
Some of the family and friends I'm grateful for (I'm on the far left)Related Posts: Election day food drive; Tapas for Toys at Tapeo; Find Local Food Locally
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
This post will be all over the place... but I'm excited today!
I'm going to start by talking about something TOTALLY non-related to breast cancer.
Tina Turner is an ICON!! Oh my goodness. That lady is fabulous... personified. I was blessed and fortunate to be invited to see her concert on Sunday night. Amazing is the only word that I can use. To be 69 (she had a birthday this week)... and able to rock it out for hours, belting out songs, kicking, dancing and generally having a grand old time -- shifted my paradigm for living.
This "thing"... can't stop me. Tina got beat by her man... overcame all of that... reinvented herself and her career, retired from touring, came back and she's still just as fabulous (if not more so) than she ever was. I mean... THAT'S what it has to be about. Starting over and doing it way big each time... that's my new outlook on life.
I was a little tired just watching her. I purposely wore comfy flat shoes to the show because I didn't want my feet to hurt and cause me to be distracted from the event. Meanwhile... Miss Tina rocked some shoes that were so fabulous I had to post a picture of them for you to see.
Yes... for those who know about shoes. Those are Christian Louboutin's (you can tell by the red sole) and yes... these mere shoes rock out at about $1000 per pair. I'm guessing that Tina's were slightly different, possibly customized because her had a real sparkle to them. My girlfriend and I were trying to guess whether they were studded with rhinestones or if the lighting from the stage was just catching the sequins. Either way... I was mesmerized and dumbfounded for most of the show. (she wore those shoes... with that outfit)
Just wow. She pushed the bar through the roof. I have to do that. I have to. (I think I'm starting to get some of white girl, blonde hair, blue/green eyed ambition about life now.... lol)
So after that concert, I started my week with a new standard of "excellent lady living" etching its way through my brain...
I moved on to... "time to kick it in gear for the next phase"... meaning that I needed to focus my attention on my mastectomy surgery and the reconstruction surgery that I will need to have in the next month or so. Yesterday, I spent a few hours researching the procedure and getting my emotions in check around it. I won't lie... I was freaked out a bit -- even though the procedure seems like a great option -- and I cried for awhile last night. No matter how much I grow and learn... this is all still really overwhelming. Admittedly, the overwhelming moments are coming in longer and longer intervals, so I know that I'm doing pretty well trying to handle this. But I still have moments that are deep and core shaking at times.
Also, yesterday was the day before chemo day -- which is usually very emotional for me. My chemotherapy treatment was early this week because of the holiday. It took me most of the day to realize why I was feeling out of sorts. But chemo today was really interesting.
Let's see....
First... my doctor and I had a good chat (mostly about Tina Turner...lol) about next steps and what I can expect for the next phase. He was really happy with the way that I handled the chemotherapy -- even with the little hospital set back, I did really really well comparatively speaking. He would like to see me in surgery two weeks after my last chemo treatment on December 18th (yeah.... Merry Christmas Nic!).
I made a call to the recommended plastic surgeon this afternoon -- he cosigned on my general surgeon's recommendation and from my research last night, this lady is pretty doggone good at what she does. So I'm more than thrilled with that. My appointment isn't until December 22 (again, Merry Christmas)... but hopefully someone will cancel earlier and I can slide in to see her before then.
While in chemo today -- guess what? I had another bad reaction to my medicine! Ugh. It was funny though because my god brother came to hang out with me today (yay Tony!)... and just after he had gotten there and we were chatting.... suddenly... I was itching all over like I had just rolled in some hay or something. It was CRAZY! Seriously. Turns out that I was having an allergic reaction to something that was mixed with the medicine... so they had to get me off of it and fast. That itching was like FIRE ANTS on my skin. Whewwwwww... not fun.
Today was a long chemo day. I was anticipating being at the cancer center for about 5 hours getting all my medications. Just this one drug that I was reacting to... takes 4 hours to drip. Sometimes longer. Well, when they had to change drugs... the new drug they gave me took.... (wait for it)...
30 minutes!!
Can you believe that? The replacement drug was hella faster than the regular drug. I'm sitting there like... well, dang, why didn't ya'll give me this stuff in the first place? I'm going to ask my doctor tomorrow what the difference is in the two drugs because as much as I like the ladies at the cancer center... spending 5-6 hours every other week there, isn't the most fun I've ever had in my life. Wow. Though the plan is to give me the new concoction next time -- just so I don't have to go through the reactions again. But still.... you have to wonder... why?
So... I got to leave much earlier than I had planned... then I had lunch with my godbrother -- something we really don't get to do too much (though we used to do it all the time)... and then... his younger brother joined us. It was like the 90's had a come back (that also could have been because my god brother was rocking the old school Fila sweatsuit with the Fila sneakers...lol).
We ate and laughed and laughed some more... it was a good time. I needed that laugh today.
I'm having slight itches... but nothing that some cortisone can't help. I feel okay today. But tomorrow's injection may make me feel rather achy and sore -- yay neulasta! -- but I'll take it because its almost the last one.
I am hopeful (and my oncologist really wants this for me)... that I will be having my surgery the first week of January, hopefully as close to New Year's as we can get. That means, no inauguration parties for me. Honestly, I'm not that sad about it. I had already made up my mind that I wanted to watch all the festivities from my house. And now, I know that I will definitely be doing that. (also saves me money on dresses and accessories... )
Its about that time for me to start reviewing my year and thinking about my goals and resolutions for next year. Somehow, I don't think I made my goals this year... but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.
As my friend Chellee told me...
"I'm just happy to be here... "
~Nic
Tina Turner is an ICON!! Oh my goodness. That lady is fabulous... personified. I was blessed and fortunate to be invited to see her concert on Sunday night. Amazing is the only word that I can use. To be 69 (she had a birthday this week)... and able to rock it out for hours, belting out songs, kicking, dancing and generally having a grand old time -- shifted my paradigm for living.
This "thing"... can't stop me. Tina got beat by her man... overcame all of that... reinvented herself and her career, retired from touring, came back and she's still just as fabulous (if not more so) than she ever was. I mean... THAT'S what it has to be about. Starting over and doing it way big each time... that's my new outlook on life.
I was a little tired just watching her. I purposely wore comfy flat shoes to the show because I didn't want my feet to hurt and cause me to be distracted from the event. Meanwhile... Miss Tina rocked some shoes that were so fabulous I had to post a picture of them for you to see.
Yes... for those who know about shoes. Those are Christian Louboutin's (you can tell by the red sole) and yes... these mere shoes rock out at about $1000 per pair. I'm guessing that Tina's were slightly different, possibly customized because her had a real sparkle to them. My girlfriend and I were trying to guess whether they were studded with rhinestones or if the lighting from the stage was just catching the sequins. Either way... I was mesmerized and dumbfounded for most of the show. (she wore those shoes... with that outfit)
Just wow. She pushed the bar through the roof. I have to do that. I have to. (I think I'm starting to get some of white girl, blonde hair, blue/green eyed ambition about life now.... lol)
So after that concert, I started my week with a new standard of "excellent lady living" etching its way through my brain...
I moved on to... "time to kick it in gear for the next phase"... meaning that I needed to focus my attention on my mastectomy surgery and the reconstruction surgery that I will need to have in the next month or so. Yesterday, I spent a few hours researching the procedure and getting my emotions in check around it. I won't lie... I was freaked out a bit -- even though the procedure seems like a great option -- and I cried for awhile last night. No matter how much I grow and learn... this is all still really overwhelming. Admittedly, the overwhelming moments are coming in longer and longer intervals, so I know that I'm doing pretty well trying to handle this. But I still have moments that are deep and core shaking at times.
Also, yesterday was the day before chemo day -- which is usually very emotional for me. My chemotherapy treatment was early this week because of the holiday. It took me most of the day to realize why I was feeling out of sorts. But chemo today was really interesting.
Let's see....
First... my doctor and I had a good chat (mostly about Tina Turner...lol) about next steps and what I can expect for the next phase. He was really happy with the way that I handled the chemotherapy -- even with the little hospital set back, I did really really well comparatively speaking. He would like to see me in surgery two weeks after my last chemo treatment on December 18th (yeah.... Merry Christmas Nic!).
I made a call to the recommended plastic surgeon this afternoon -- he cosigned on my general surgeon's recommendation and from my research last night, this lady is pretty doggone good at what she does. So I'm more than thrilled with that. My appointment isn't until December 22 (again, Merry Christmas)... but hopefully someone will cancel earlier and I can slide in to see her before then.
While in chemo today -- guess what? I had another bad reaction to my medicine! Ugh. It was funny though because my god brother came to hang out with me today (yay Tony!)... and just after he had gotten there and we were chatting.... suddenly... I was itching all over like I had just rolled in some hay or something. It was CRAZY! Seriously. Turns out that I was having an allergic reaction to something that was mixed with the medicine... so they had to get me off of it and fast. That itching was like FIRE ANTS on my skin. Whewwwwww... not fun.
Today was a long chemo day. I was anticipating being at the cancer center for about 5 hours getting all my medications. Just this one drug that I was reacting to... takes 4 hours to drip. Sometimes longer. Well, when they had to change drugs... the new drug they gave me took.... (wait for it)...
30 minutes!!
Can you believe that? The replacement drug was hella faster than the regular drug. I'm sitting there like... well, dang, why didn't ya'll give me this stuff in the first place? I'm going to ask my doctor tomorrow what the difference is in the two drugs because as much as I like the ladies at the cancer center... spending 5-6 hours every other week there, isn't the most fun I've ever had in my life. Wow. Though the plan is to give me the new concoction next time -- just so I don't have to go through the reactions again. But still.... you have to wonder... why?
So... I got to leave much earlier than I had planned... then I had lunch with my godbrother -- something we really don't get to do too much (though we used to do it all the time)... and then... his younger brother joined us. It was like the 90's had a come back (that also could have been because my god brother was rocking the old school Fila sweatsuit with the Fila sneakers...lol).
We ate and laughed and laughed some more... it was a good time. I needed that laugh today.
I'm having slight itches... but nothing that some cortisone can't help. I feel okay today. But tomorrow's injection may make me feel rather achy and sore -- yay neulasta! -- but I'll take it because its almost the last one.
I am hopeful (and my oncologist really wants this for me)... that I will be having my surgery the first week of January, hopefully as close to New Year's as we can get. That means, no inauguration parties for me. Honestly, I'm not that sad about it. I had already made up my mind that I wanted to watch all the festivities from my house. And now, I know that I will definitely be doing that. (also saves me money on dresses and accessories... )
Its about that time for me to start reviewing my year and thinking about my goals and resolutions for next year. Somehow, I don't think I made my goals this year... but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.
As my friend Chellee told me...
"I'm just happy to be here... "
~Nic
Holiday Shopping & BYOBag
This Thursday like many other US Americans I will be eating my weight in turkey, cranberry sauce and stuffing. I will inevitably fall into a food coma and wake up on Friday with the energy and stamina needed to shop on Black Friday.
Before I am out the door I will do the mandatory check-list; wallet-yep, game plan to hit the sales-yep, cell phone for emergency calls only-yep, and reusable bag-yep. Wait a second reusable bag? The stores you will be going to have bags so it isn't a requirement for you to bring one, yet it is extremely important for the enviornment that you bring one.
We have written to you before about
how important it is to be green and reduce your carbon foot print as much as possible. Bringing your reusable bags for shopping can continue this trend and would reduce the amount of trees needing to be cut for paper bags and reduce the amount of plastic in our landfills.
If mother earth isn't a good enough reason for you to think about bringing your reusable bag. Then consider you won't be a FREE walking add for whatever store you purchased items from. Stores pay big bucks for advertisements on billboards, magazines, & TV adds, yet they don't pay you for walking around with their name brand on your bag, essentially its free marketing for them.
I bring this up because I rarely see people use reusable bags while shopping, with the exception of a grocery store. I bring my reusable bag whenever I am going shopping, even if its just an outing with the girls. It really doesn't take a lot of effort either, just leave your reusable bag by your purse or wallet. Then, before you leave you grab both your reusable bag alongside of your holder of money and you are out the door. Easy right?
Well it is easy to me, but I would be curious why people are reluctant to use reusable bags for other purposes than grocery shopping? Is it a trend that hasn't caught on yet?
Related Posts: To Have or Not to Have Plastic Bags; The Greenest Generation; Green Tips for the New Year
Photo courtesy of: http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/la/news/los-angeles-day-without-a-bag-december-20th-038191
Before I am out the door I will do the mandatory check-list; wallet-yep, game plan to hit the sales-yep, cell phone for emergency calls only-yep, and reusable bag-yep. Wait a second reusable bag? The stores you will be going to have bags so it isn't a requirement for you to bring one, yet it is extremely important for the enviornment that you bring one.
We have written to you before about
how important it is to be green and reduce your carbon foot print as much as possible. Bringing your reusable bags for shopping can continue this trend and would reduce the amount of trees needing to be cut for paper bags and reduce the amount of plastic in our landfills.If mother earth isn't a good enough reason for you to think about bringing your reusable bag. Then consider you won't be a FREE walking add for whatever store you purchased items from. Stores pay big bucks for advertisements on billboards, magazines, & TV adds, yet they don't pay you for walking around with their name brand on your bag, essentially its free marketing for them.
I bring this up because I rarely see people use reusable bags while shopping, with the exception of a grocery store. I bring my reusable bag whenever I am going shopping, even if its just an outing with the girls. It really doesn't take a lot of effort either, just leave your reusable bag by your purse or wallet. Then, before you leave you grab both your reusable bag alongside of your holder of money and you are out the door. Easy right?
Well it is easy to me, but I would be curious why people are reluctant to use reusable bags for other purposes than grocery shopping? Is it a trend that hasn't caught on yet?
Related Posts: To Have or Not to Have Plastic Bags; The Greenest Generation; Green Tips for the New Year
Photo courtesy of: http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/la/news/los-angeles-day-without-a-bag-december-20th-038191
Monday, November 24, 2008
Moving on to the next step in this journey
I have only two chemotherapy treatments left. (not counting the herceptin treatments that continue for another year) Tomorrow is the next to the last one... (yay!) But that means that now its time to prepare for surgery.
I already have a general surgeon, Dr. Lee. Interestingly enough... she entered the scene quite early and has been really helpful and supportive throughout the process. She explained to me awhile ago, that it is possible to have the mastectomy and reconstructive surgery at the same time. I had no idea.
In the past, many woman had their breasts removed first, and then months (or even years) later, they had follow up reconstructive surgery. Isn't that crazy?
Naturally, I have lots of reservations about this whole process but the more I learn, the more I'm calmed. Well, calmer. :)
There is a surgical option that will also allow me to have my breast reconstructed from my own body -- rather than have an implant shoved into my body. I'll be honest, I was not pleased with the thought of losing my own breast and having to replace it with a bag of salt water. Just not happy with that thought at all. But after Dr. Lee mentioned this procedure that can take fat and skin from my abdomen and use that to construct a new breast -- I've been really interested in it.
Also... what's even more fabulous is that the reconstruction can happen while I'm in the operating room having my breast/tumors removed in the first place.
So, I can (if things go well)... go into the hospital with two breasts and 4 tumors... I can come out a few days later with two breasts, no tumors and a tummy tuck.
Wow.
I've spent a good portion of the day, researching the plastic surgeon that my general surgeon recommended and also looking for information on this procedure. It is called the DIEP Flap.
DIEP (Deep Inferior Epigastric Perforator) flap sounds like a pretty intensive procedure... but I am really hoping that I am eligible for the procedure. (and that my insurance will cover the cost)
Here's a link to a medical facility in Wisconsin that performs the procedure: http://healthlink.mcw.edu/article/1031002690.html
If you want to read more about how its done and all that.
My goal this week, is to get on the plastic surgeon's calendar for a consult right after the holiday and hopefully coordinate with her, my general surgeon and my oncology team -- so we can keep this ball rolling.
Honestly speaking... I do not ever want to wear a prosthesis. Of course, I will if I have to. And if I have to endure having a body with just one breast -- even for a short time -- I'll do it. But I'm praying everyday that neither of these options are in my future.
~Nic
I already have a general surgeon, Dr. Lee. Interestingly enough... she entered the scene quite early and has been really helpful and supportive throughout the process. She explained to me awhile ago, that it is possible to have the mastectomy and reconstructive surgery at the same time. I had no idea.
In the past, many woman had their breasts removed first, and then months (or even years) later, they had follow up reconstructive surgery. Isn't that crazy?
Naturally, I have lots of reservations about this whole process but the more I learn, the more I'm calmed. Well, calmer. :)
There is a surgical option that will also allow me to have my breast reconstructed from my own body -- rather than have an implant shoved into my body. I'll be honest, I was not pleased with the thought of losing my own breast and having to replace it with a bag of salt water. Just not happy with that thought at all. But after Dr. Lee mentioned this procedure that can take fat and skin from my abdomen and use that to construct a new breast -- I've been really interested in it.
Also... what's even more fabulous is that the reconstruction can happen while I'm in the operating room having my breast/tumors removed in the first place.
So, I can (if things go well)... go into the hospital with two breasts and 4 tumors... I can come out a few days later with two breasts, no tumors and a tummy tuck.
Wow.
I've spent a good portion of the day, researching the plastic surgeon that my general surgeon recommended and also looking for information on this procedure. It is called the DIEP Flap.
DIEP (Deep Inferior Epigastric Perforator) flap sounds like a pretty intensive procedure... but I am really hoping that I am eligible for the procedure. (and that my insurance will cover the cost)
Here's a link to a medical facility in Wisconsin that performs the procedure: http://healthlink.mcw.edu/article/1031002690.html
If you want to read more about how its done and all that.
My goal this week, is to get on the plastic surgeon's calendar for a consult right after the holiday and hopefully coordinate with her, my general surgeon and my oncology team -- so we can keep this ball rolling.
Honestly speaking... I do not ever want to wear a prosthesis. Of course, I will if I have to. And if I have to endure having a body with just one breast -- even for a short time -- I'll do it. But I'm praying everyday that neither of these options are in my future.
~Nic
Sobriety Checkpoints Keeping Us Safe
After a particularily debaucherous night two summers ago, my boyfriend and I hailed a cab and fell into it, laughing and feeling lucky we got the little yellow car to stop for us. We sat in the back seat recounting the evening's events, when suddenly --BAM-- the car behind us hit our cab! It was odd, since we had been sitting at the light for awhile, as had she. The cabby got out to check for damage, and upon finding none, got back in the car.
Meanwhile, this drive drove swerved around us, went through the red light, and jerkily made her way onto 93N. This woman was Lindsay Lohan drunk, stuff your face with pizza drunk, throw up in a trash can 
drunk, and she was behind the wheel of a car.
drunk, and she was behind the wheel of a car. Scary. I mean it. I feel like drunk driving is one of those things you learn you're not supposed to do far before you have your license. All of us have probably driven "on the edge," but blatent drunk driving is like giving, well, giving a drunk person a huge 3,600 pound weapon. Not good.
Why bring this all up now? Well for the first time ever, I drove through a sobriety checkpoint in Boston. I was damn happy to do so, too. After all, it was 1:30 AM on Friday night (slash early Saturday morning), prime time to head home. We even saw one girl who tried to turn around to avoid the checkpoint getting her car towed and probably in a lot of trouble.
It's the holiday season, we'll all be getting a little merry... but don't drink and drive. It's stupid, dangerous, and you will get caught. There's plenty of ways to get home without getting behind the wheel of a car, or you can just couch surf for an evening.
Oh, and yes, I did drink that night, but only a glass of wine and a beer.... four hours prior to when I was driving.
A sobriety checkpoint in Connecticut
Related Posts: Apple Picking & Wine Tasting; Voting experience on Nov 4; Boston Bike Sharing; Unexpected Volunteering
Photo of sign from McBlog97, and of the CT sobriety checkpoint from versageek.Sunday, November 23, 2008
Feel like giving back on Thanksgiving?
On November 27th, Tavern in the Square (Central Square) will host their 2nd annual Thanksgiving Dinner.Dinner will be served to those who have nowhere else to go by a full staff of volunteers from 11:00am to 2:00pm. This is an opportunity to help feed the elderly, the homeless, along with families who maybe having a difficult times.
If you are interested in volunteering on Thanksgiving call 617-868-8800.”
Picture from:
http://www.nothingtodoinla.com/2007/11/21/happy-thanksgiving/
A writing contest entry that I'm sharing with you
Essence magazine and Ford had a short writing contest (it closed last night at midnight)... about breast cancer.
The entry requirements were simple: 250 words or less about how breast cancer has touched your life. I just decided to share my entry here -- not that I think its good because I really don't -- but because it represents a shifting in my heart about how I'm looking at myself, this disease and my life in the future.
There are a couple of other writing contests that I am going to enter before the end of the year -- and one of them is related to breast cancer. But the fact that I'm back to writing -- even when I don't like what I've created -- gives me a joy that you cannot probably understand.
I hate being sick but I love my life. :)
Let me add why I don't like the entry -- its too doggone short. lol... I could have spun this into something awesome with another 2000 words or so. But, for something brief, it will do.
------------------------
Thursdays are special days for me.
Breast cancer changed what Thursday meant to me. I used to believe that Thursdays were for celebrations. I was born on a Thursday in May years ago.
I grew to embrace that Thursdays are for cocktails. Happy hour on Thursday was how I looked forward to ending a stressful work week.
Now, Thursdays are for chemotherapy. I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in July of this year. I am 39 years old. I have never been married and I do not have children.
The cancer center on Thursday isn’t often a jovial and happy place. But it is becoming an extension of what I think my life’s purpose is.
This summer I was diagnosed with breast cancer. By my 40th birthday – I will be a breast cancer survivor who will have had one breast removed. My heart still aches when I hear myself say… breast cancer.
I’m still a bit of a party girl in my heart. The adjustment to my new Thursday cocktails has been a difficult one. However, I suppose that in my growing and aging… I have learned that Thursday – even with breast cancer – is still about celebrations and cocktails. Now, I celebrate life and its fragility and I take a cocktail of medicine that will allow my life to go on.
Thursdays are still special to me – just different now.
The entry requirements were simple: 250 words or less about how breast cancer has touched your life. I just decided to share my entry here -- not that I think its good because I really don't -- but because it represents a shifting in my heart about how I'm looking at myself, this disease and my life in the future.
There are a couple of other writing contests that I am going to enter before the end of the year -- and one of them is related to breast cancer. But the fact that I'm back to writing -- even when I don't like what I've created -- gives me a joy that you cannot probably understand.
I hate being sick but I love my life. :)
Let me add why I don't like the entry -- its too doggone short. lol... I could have spun this into something awesome with another 2000 words or so. But, for something brief, it will do.
------------------------
Thursdays are special days for me.
Breast cancer changed what Thursday meant to me. I used to believe that Thursdays were for celebrations. I was born on a Thursday in May years ago.
I grew to embrace that Thursdays are for cocktails. Happy hour on Thursday was how I looked forward to ending a stressful work week.
Now, Thursdays are for chemotherapy. I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in July of this year. I am 39 years old. I have never been married and I do not have children.
The cancer center on Thursday isn’t often a jovial and happy place. But it is becoming an extension of what I think my life’s purpose is.
This summer I was diagnosed with breast cancer. By my 40th birthday – I will be a breast cancer survivor who will have had one breast removed. My heart still aches when I hear myself say… breast cancer.
I’m still a bit of a party girl in my heart. The adjustment to my new Thursday cocktails has been a difficult one. However, I suppose that in my growing and aging… I have learned that Thursday – even with breast cancer – is still about celebrations and cocktails. Now, I celebrate life and its fragility and I take a cocktail of medicine that will allow my life to go on.
Thursdays are still special to me – just different now.
I feel GOOD!!
I feel good y'all. Really good. Like my old self.
I have energy. I'm not aching. I can eat. No diarrhea, no nausea, no vomiting. My skin isn't peeling like a snake either...
And I think I have two strands of hair on my head. (I'm shaving them off tonight, but right now... they are there!)
WOWOWOWOWOWOW!!
I am loving this feeling. :) Hope for the future...
==========
So, the other day... I was chatting on-line with a buddy of mine and she mentioned to me that I needed to get off refined sugar. She's one of those science people -- she does some sort of research or something and she's really ridiculously smart. There is some sort of connection between cancer cells and sugar --and she felt that if I worked on eliminating refined sugar from my diet, it would give my cancer cells less food to munch on.
Okay. Seems easy enough, right?
I purchased a book that she recommended (I got it on my new kindle -- I'll get back to that wonderful surprise gift in a sec) and started reading more about nutrition and cancer.
First of all... wow. We eat some garbage in this country. And while I didn't need a book to tell me that -- since I started doing a little research the other day, I have been alternately disgusted and angered by what I've been putting in my body. Second... the garbage is in EVERYTHING.
After talking to Chellee for a few emails... and reading a little bit (guess I'm going to have to go back and read that crazy sexy cancer book too....grrr)... I accepted that I need to give up refined sugar and white flour. This is going to be my new challenge (on top of getting rid of cancer) for life because ... I love pastry, pasta, bread, etc.
Right now... since I've only been thinking of this and trying to figure out how to incorporate these changes into my life... I'm focusing on getting off white sugar and white flour. I talked with my mom about the things that Chellee told me and she agreed that I needed to do whatever it took to make myself healthy. Neither one of us realized just how deep this could get. lol...
Friday morning, my mom and I ventured to the closest Whole Foods grocery store. I wanted to look around and get an idea of what they had there -- that was different from what was in the regular ol' Safeway around the corner. I had a couple of things that I wanted to pick up and I wasn't sure that I would be able to find them at the Safeway but generally, I didn't have much of an agenda.
I think that Whole Foods is a cult or has a cult following. The store was ridiculously crowded. But more than that -- their prices are outrageous. I couldn't believe the prices on the food. It was insanity. Seriously.
As I walked the aisles, trying to read labels so that I was buying food that would fit into my new mindset, I quickly became overwhelmed.
My frustration is that while I can cook, I typically don't. And I don't because cooking for one is .. well, dumb. I came to the conclusion many years ago that cooking for one is pretty wasteful and its time consuming. My habits when I lived alone were to cook one or two meals a week and then eat the rest of my meals out. Unless I had a taste for something specific, there wasn't a need to stand in the kitchen for hours fixing a meal for just myself. And if I really wanted something special or particular -- I often made more than I could eat alone and ended up either giving away my food to someone else, or eventually throwing away the food because I wasn't going to eat it.
Now, typically... I love going to the grocery store. I enjoy good food and the grocery store is filled with really good food. But I hated being in Whole Foods. I was so frustrated and upset -- it was like someone had dropped me in a foreign land and I didn't know the language.
I was frustrated because it seemed like the only things I could eat would be salad and protein. And while I enjoy a good steak and a salad... or some chicken and a salad -- I know I can't maintain a diet that limited. I'm accustomed to eating a wide variety of foods. As I thought about different meals and snacks throughout the day -- I realized that even in Whole Foods, I still reached for convenience foods.
For example... I did purchase regular fruit. But I also found myself reaching for fruit cups when I was on that aisle -- because they have been a snack that I've reached for many times since I've been sick. But its the difference in tastes and textures between eating a fresh pear and having a fruit cup of peaches -- that started to upset me.
Changing my diet isn't going to be easy. In fact, its going to be really really quite difficult. Not because I don't eat good wholesome food -- but because I am also accustomed to eating lots of convenience foods and they satisfy a different taste for me than plain food.
I have a lot of questions and I'm back to being annoyed that George Washington University Hospital's Cancer Center doesn't have a nutritionist.
I will be on trial and error time regarding food -- for some time it seems. Its not going to be as simple as buying something sugar-free now, or buying the whole wheat version of something else. Our foods are labeled misleadingly. Our foods -- even the ones that seem so very basic -- are filled with different chemicals and sugar alternatives that it becomes a real challenge to figure out what you can eat and what you can't.
For me, the one good thing is that I'm not allergic to these food items. Meaning, if I do consume white sugar or white flour, I won't die. So, that takes a lot of the urgency and fear out of the situation for me. However, knowing that I am really trying to change my lifestyle around food, I know that I will really have to be diligent about what I put in my mouth from now on.
No more McDonalds, no more sodas, shoot... no more cheetos! Dangit. But its even simpler things like... oatmeal. I love oatmeal -- have loved it since I was a kid. I love cereal for that matter -- and have since I was a kid. I eat a lot of both. But now... I have to buy it differently. I'm used to buying the instant packets of oatmeal - but I don't think I can continue to do that. There is the sugar issue and the refined flour issue as well. Making that change to my oatmeal -- also throws me into the kitchen for 20 mins instead of 5 -- because I have to cook my oatmeal rather than microwave a quick packet.
With cereal its weirdly complicated as well (and these are my EASY foods... grrr). I have to search for new cereals that I enjoy eating, that don't have the refined sugar/flour issue going on. I am lucky that I do enjoy pretty natural cereals (or what I thought was natural anyway) so I'm hoping that I can find something that doesn't taste like tree bark but still satisfies that cereal comfort for me.
Ooooohhhhhh... let me tell you about BACON! According to the book I read, I'm also supposed to stop eating cured meats, smoked meats, bacon, etc. Now, I really enjoy bacon and I like to eat pork period. Sunday w/out sausage doesn't make sense. But its going to have to start. I made the critical error of buying some "non-cured" turkey bacon at Whole Foods. First, the price was outrageous -- but I paid it. The darn stuff tasted gawd-awful. I was too mad. Momma just laughed and laughed. But it was horrible. Really horrible.
I don't know if I'm going to have to switch to meatless bacon (and/or other meat products) because they will likely taste more like what I'm used to. Or if I'm going to have to torture myself into getting to like this crap. Ugh. I'll spare you the story about the gluten-free frozen waffles I tried. Let's just say... somebody needs to hand me an Eggo waffle and quick!
I'm going to go on and put it out there -- I'm going to eat like there's no tomorrow on Thanksgiving. But I'll be back on the internet and going to the bookstores to find books to help me with the transition on Friday.
I want to eat well, and I don't want it to feel like I'm punishing myself or putting myself on a really restrictive diet. Because I will stop entirely if I feel like I'm depriving myself of anything. And I can't stop this -- its a lifestyle change.
I'll keep you posted about the food changes. Bleah.
--------
My new kindle. :)
Some really kind person sent me a surprise gift about a week ago. It is a kindle. And it is AWESOME! If you don't know what a kindle is... go to http://www.http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com.com/ and check it out. It is an electronic book reader and it is simply phenomenal. I had been thinking about getting one for months... actually its been a year since I saw an in-store ad for the Sony book reader. I hesitated for a few reasons. One being the price. The other, I'm not that much of a gadget girl. I wasn't sure how I'd like reading on a machine all the time, or how easy it would be to get good books to read etc.
Well.... I'm loving the kindle. I don't read it everyday, but I do use it fairly often. It won't keep me from buying regular books -- but it will help me to limit what books I do buy. Because I love books so much, I will always have books around me. But now, I can reserve my book buying to those books I know I want to keep for my library. And I can use the kindle to buy other books -- like the nutrition books for my cancer.
It is awesome. If you are into gadgets, or if you read a lot -- it might be something you enjoy as well. And you can subscribe to blogs through the kindle as well.
Okay... that's enough for now. Just wanted you to know that I feel good, I'm re-learning how to eat, and I'm reading a lot these days.
Now... I've got to get ready.
I'm going to see TINA TURNER tonight!! Woo hoo.
I have energy. I'm not aching. I can eat. No diarrhea, no nausea, no vomiting. My skin isn't peeling like a snake either...
And I think I have two strands of hair on my head. (I'm shaving them off tonight, but right now... they are there!)
WOWOWOWOWOWOW!!
I am loving this feeling. :) Hope for the future...
==========
So, the other day... I was chatting on-line with a buddy of mine and she mentioned to me that I needed to get off refined sugar. She's one of those science people -- she does some sort of research or something and she's really ridiculously smart. There is some sort of connection between cancer cells and sugar --and she felt that if I worked on eliminating refined sugar from my diet, it would give my cancer cells less food to munch on.
Okay. Seems easy enough, right?
I purchased a book that she recommended (I got it on my new kindle -- I'll get back to that wonderful surprise gift in a sec) and started reading more about nutrition and cancer.
First of all... wow. We eat some garbage in this country. And while I didn't need a book to tell me that -- since I started doing a little research the other day, I have been alternately disgusted and angered by what I've been putting in my body. Second... the garbage is in EVERYTHING.
After talking to Chellee for a few emails... and reading a little bit (guess I'm going to have to go back and read that crazy sexy cancer book too....grrr)... I accepted that I need to give up refined sugar and white flour. This is going to be my new challenge (on top of getting rid of cancer) for life because ... I love pastry, pasta, bread, etc.
Right now... since I've only been thinking of this and trying to figure out how to incorporate these changes into my life... I'm focusing on getting off white sugar and white flour. I talked with my mom about the things that Chellee told me and she agreed that I needed to do whatever it took to make myself healthy. Neither one of us realized just how deep this could get. lol...
Friday morning, my mom and I ventured to the closest Whole Foods grocery store. I wanted to look around and get an idea of what they had there -- that was different from what was in the regular ol' Safeway around the corner. I had a couple of things that I wanted to pick up and I wasn't sure that I would be able to find them at the Safeway but generally, I didn't have much of an agenda.
I think that Whole Foods is a cult or has a cult following. The store was ridiculously crowded. But more than that -- their prices are outrageous. I couldn't believe the prices on the food. It was insanity. Seriously.
As I walked the aisles, trying to read labels so that I was buying food that would fit into my new mindset, I quickly became overwhelmed.
My frustration is that while I can cook, I typically don't. And I don't because cooking for one is .. well, dumb. I came to the conclusion many years ago that cooking for one is pretty wasteful and its time consuming. My habits when I lived alone were to cook one or two meals a week and then eat the rest of my meals out. Unless I had a taste for something specific, there wasn't a need to stand in the kitchen for hours fixing a meal for just myself. And if I really wanted something special or particular -- I often made more than I could eat alone and ended up either giving away my food to someone else, or eventually throwing away the food because I wasn't going to eat it.
Now, typically... I love going to the grocery store. I enjoy good food and the grocery store is filled with really good food. But I hated being in Whole Foods. I was so frustrated and upset -- it was like someone had dropped me in a foreign land and I didn't know the language.
I was frustrated because it seemed like the only things I could eat would be salad and protein. And while I enjoy a good steak and a salad... or some chicken and a salad -- I know I can't maintain a diet that limited. I'm accustomed to eating a wide variety of foods. As I thought about different meals and snacks throughout the day -- I realized that even in Whole Foods, I still reached for convenience foods.
For example... I did purchase regular fruit. But I also found myself reaching for fruit cups when I was on that aisle -- because they have been a snack that I've reached for many times since I've been sick. But its the difference in tastes and textures between eating a fresh pear and having a fruit cup of peaches -- that started to upset me.
Changing my diet isn't going to be easy. In fact, its going to be really really quite difficult. Not because I don't eat good wholesome food -- but because I am also accustomed to eating lots of convenience foods and they satisfy a different taste for me than plain food.
I have a lot of questions and I'm back to being annoyed that George Washington University Hospital's Cancer Center doesn't have a nutritionist.
I will be on trial and error time regarding food -- for some time it seems. Its not going to be as simple as buying something sugar-free now, or buying the whole wheat version of something else. Our foods are labeled misleadingly. Our foods -- even the ones that seem so very basic -- are filled with different chemicals and sugar alternatives that it becomes a real challenge to figure out what you can eat and what you can't.
For me, the one good thing is that I'm not allergic to these food items. Meaning, if I do consume white sugar or white flour, I won't die. So, that takes a lot of the urgency and fear out of the situation for me. However, knowing that I am really trying to change my lifestyle around food, I know that I will really have to be diligent about what I put in my mouth from now on.
No more McDonalds, no more sodas, shoot... no more cheetos! Dangit. But its even simpler things like... oatmeal. I love oatmeal -- have loved it since I was a kid. I love cereal for that matter -- and have since I was a kid. I eat a lot of both. But now... I have to buy it differently. I'm used to buying the instant packets of oatmeal - but I don't think I can continue to do that. There is the sugar issue and the refined flour issue as well. Making that change to my oatmeal -- also throws me into the kitchen for 20 mins instead of 5 -- because I have to cook my oatmeal rather than microwave a quick packet.
With cereal its weirdly complicated as well (and these are my EASY foods... grrr). I have to search for new cereals that I enjoy eating, that don't have the refined sugar/flour issue going on. I am lucky that I do enjoy pretty natural cereals (or what I thought was natural anyway) so I'm hoping that I can find something that doesn't taste like tree bark but still satisfies that cereal comfort for me.
Ooooohhhhhh... let me tell you about BACON! According to the book I read, I'm also supposed to stop eating cured meats, smoked meats, bacon, etc. Now, I really enjoy bacon and I like to eat pork period. Sunday w/out sausage doesn't make sense. But its going to have to start. I made the critical error of buying some "non-cured" turkey bacon at Whole Foods. First, the price was outrageous -- but I paid it. The darn stuff tasted gawd-awful. I was too mad. Momma just laughed and laughed. But it was horrible. Really horrible.
I don't know if I'm going to have to switch to meatless bacon (and/or other meat products) because they will likely taste more like what I'm used to. Or if I'm going to have to torture myself into getting to like this crap. Ugh. I'll spare you the story about the gluten-free frozen waffles I tried. Let's just say... somebody needs to hand me an Eggo waffle and quick!
I'm going to go on and put it out there -- I'm going to eat like there's no tomorrow on Thanksgiving. But I'll be back on the internet and going to the bookstores to find books to help me with the transition on Friday.
I want to eat well, and I don't want it to feel like I'm punishing myself or putting myself on a really restrictive diet. Because I will stop entirely if I feel like I'm depriving myself of anything. And I can't stop this -- its a lifestyle change.
I'll keep you posted about the food changes. Bleah.
--------
My new kindle. :)
Some really kind person sent me a surprise gift about a week ago. It is a kindle. And it is AWESOME! If you don't know what a kindle is... go to http://www.http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com.com/ and check it out. It is an electronic book reader and it is simply phenomenal. I had been thinking about getting one for months... actually its been a year since I saw an in-store ad for the Sony book reader. I hesitated for a few reasons. One being the price. The other, I'm not that much of a gadget girl. I wasn't sure how I'd like reading on a machine all the time, or how easy it would be to get good books to read etc.
Well.... I'm loving the kindle. I don't read it everyday, but I do use it fairly often. It won't keep me from buying regular books -- but it will help me to limit what books I do buy. Because I love books so much, I will always have books around me. But now, I can reserve my book buying to those books I know I want to keep for my library. And I can use the kindle to buy other books -- like the nutrition books for my cancer.
It is awesome. If you are into gadgets, or if you read a lot -- it might be something you enjoy as well. And you can subscribe to blogs through the kindle as well.
Okay... that's enough for now. Just wanted you to know that I feel good, I'm re-learning how to eat, and I'm reading a lot these days.
Now... I've got to get ready.
I'm going to see TINA TURNER tonight!! Woo hoo.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Fashion, Fun, and For a Cause
I have only one word to say about Christopher's Catwalk, FIERCE! I think we really out did ourselves with this one and I couldn't be 
more proud to be a member of On Your Feet Project!
more proud to be a member of On Your Feet Project! After you entered the door you knew you were in for a treat. You heard he jammin' grooves of DJ Justin Fishlin which made you want to shake your thang. As you perused the scene you saw all the chic donated items for auction and raffle prizes. Seriously, who wouldn't want a sock monkey for their very own?
When you were done perusing all that OYFP had to offer you were called to the stage as the fashion show began. Jami Hollingshead started us off with some astounding vocals. She was so on key that if I didn't see it with my own eyes I would think that this was a record being played by the DJ!
Then the show started with The Velvet Fly, and the dresses were gorgeous! I am such a fan of vintage clothing so I will be sure to check out the store over on Hanover street! After the Velvet Fly, Bless By Bless Couture came on with their fashion inspired by hope, faith and love. The designs were very hot; hoodies with boy shorts, need I say more? Next up for the runway was Oak, with handmade clothes from her Gloucester St shop. I am definitely going to have to take a road trip over there soon to get me an original outfit or two! Rounding out the show was Rick Walker's, Rock'n'Roll Cowboy attire. Cowboy boots are in right now so make sure you pop on over to Newbury street and check them out.
A big thank you to James Joseph Studio on Newbury Street for making the models' hair look Fab-u-lous and who were also kind enough to donate raffle prizes as well. Big-ups to the models, make-up artists, and photographers, as the event could not have been possible without each of their individual help. 
What really touched me about the whole event is how cancer has affected so many people around us. I was taking with one of the make-up artists and she was telling me about her mom's bout with cancer and that is why she donated her time and talent to help such a worthy cause.
We may not be able to come up with the cure for cancer but we can come together as a community and show those who are currently dealing with cancer that we are here for them in their time of need. This is why we put on these great social benefit events, to show the community we care and can make a difference in someone's life today.
On behalf of OYFP I would like to thank all that donated their time, talent, and effort to make this event a huge success for everyone involved.
To see more photos of Christopher's Catwalk, click here!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Oh, I hate the days after chemo... I am sore all over
The days after chemo, specifically after I get my neulasta shot -- the shot that is supposed to boost my white blood count -- I feel awful.
Right now... I feel like I was hit by a bus, or I just ran two marathons... I'm just a ball of ache. I am hungry but moving to go downstairs to the kitchen seems like pure torture.
Can somebody bring me a pizza?? lol...
~Nic
Right now... I feel like I was hit by a bus, or I just ran two marathons... I'm just a ball of ache. I am hungry but moving to go downstairs to the kitchen seems like pure torture.
Can somebody bring me a pizza?? lol...
~Nic
Friday, November 14, 2008
Christian - A Christopher's Haven Kid
We don't have a recap of last night's events... yet. Hey, some of us didn't get home until 1 or 2 AM, so give us a break!
However, in the mean time we would like to share the story of Christian Meyer, one of the little boys with a brain tumor who received treatment at MGH before he died, and whose family received support from Christopher's Haven. In fact, the "best day of [Christian's] life" (as proclaimed by Christian) was the day he got to sit in the Red Sox dugout with Kevin Youkilis, whose foundation supports Christopher's Haven.
So - know that your donations last night are going to a really great foundation that will help other kids like Christian and their families while they're going through treatment, and what may be a battle for their lives.
Bowen Community Buries a "Shining Light"
Seven-year-old Christian Meyer walked out of Bowen School and looked up at a large concret
e truck parked out front.
The little, blond boy grinned widely as his picture stared back down at him.
He pushed his walker to the front of a crowd of classmates who had gathered at the foot of the large machine, walking with an ease and flexibility matched only in those who had mastered their handicap.
Perched above the wheel of the truck, Christian fielded questions from the other elementary school students, much like he was conducting a press conference, his dad said later.
Christian, who was battling a tumor that kept resurfacing on his brain, knew he didn’t have much time left with his classmates. But he spoke with a sense of optimism and lightheartedness as he shared what he knew about his terminal cancer and why his picture was on the side of the truck above the words “Orphan Cancers.”
“He made everyone feel comfortable,” said his father, Doug Meyer. “And he always knew the right thing to say to put people at ease.”
Christian never made it to the second grade. He passed away at his home on Oct. 27, one month after his eighth birthday [Read More].
Chrissie Long (author of this original article) can be reached at clong@cnc.com.
_________________________________________________________________________
To contribute to the Meyer Family Trust, send a check to c/o John Talvacchia Eckert, Seamans LLC, One International Place Boston, MA 02110 or — in honor of Christian Daniel Meyer — to c/o Massachusetts General Hospital, Pediatric Brain Tumor Fund, 165 Cambridge St., Suite 600, Boston, MA 02114.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Read the paper!
This is Casey's mom blogging at the OYFP event at Parris - the bar above Ned Devine's at Fanuel Hall. It was hard to find because I didn't know where I was going because I'm not that hip.
When I saw the great photo for this event in the G section of the Globe at 7 am as I turned towards the Bridge column, I immediately called Casey. Conveniently, her phone number was listed in the event description.
In acting before thinking, I realized that it was only 7 am, which explained why Casey sounded like she had just woken up.
"My alarm was about to go off," Casey said, I think to make me feel better.
I wanted her to see the article in the Globe.
I wanted her to buy a copy of the Globe.
I want every 20-something to buy the Globe regularly if they want the Globe to continue as a brand.
But 20-somethings don't buy newspapers, much less have time to read them. When you do, it's online, for free.
The first newspaper was started in Germany in the 1500s to report on how the government was spending tax revenue and if it was going to raise taxes! We need journalism as the fourth branch of government, to comment on our policy makers, to inform, to educate, to entertain.
The Internet is killing journalism. Newspapers used to make a killing on classifieds. It was the only way to buy and sell things and post and find jobs. Now we can do it more efficiently online.
Should newspapers go the way of General Motors, which was once the biggest company in the world? I think GM considered itself invincible and had license to build inane vehicles like the Hummer. Now they're in trouble and I have no sympathy.
Are newspapers in the same trouble? For centuries, newspapers have been the paper of record. We have relied on them as institutions to provide balanced information and commentary on our society.
--Casey's mom, a former journalistWhen I saw the great photo for this event in the G section of the Globe at 7 am as I turned towards the Bridge column, I immediately called Casey. Conveniently, her phone number was listed in the event description.
In acting before thinking, I realized that it was only 7 am, which explained why Casey sounded like she had just woken up.
"My alarm was about to go off," Casey said, I think to make me feel better.
I wanted her to see the article in the Globe.
I wanted her to buy a copy of the Globe.
I want every 20-something to buy the Globe regularly if they want the Globe to continue as a brand.
But 20-somethings don't buy newspapers, much less have time to read them. When you do, it's online, for free.
The first newspaper was started in Germany in the 1500s to report on how the government was spending tax revenue and if it was going to raise taxes! We need journalism as the fourth branch of government, to comment on our policy makers, to inform, to educate, to entertain.
The Internet is killing journalism. Newspapers used to make a killing on classifieds. It was the only way to buy and sell things and post and find jobs. Now we can do it more efficiently online.
Should newspapers go the way of General Motors, which was once the biggest company in the world? I think GM considered itself invincible and had license to build inane vehicles like the Hummer. Now they're in trouble and I have no sympathy.
Are newspapers in the same trouble? For centuries, newspapers have been the paper of record. We have relied on them as institutions to provide balanced information and commentary on our society.
Well, what do you think? Are newspapers in trouble? Some are certainly trying to re-invent themselves with an online presence... but are having limited success. Remember BostonNOW? Yeah... it's gone. Not because it wasn't profitable, but because the corporate parent decided it was a risk they couldn't take. So. Are newspapers going the way of the typewriter - gone, but not forgotten?
-- Casey
Related Posts: BostonNOW is no more; More News about News; Boston Globe and OYFP; We're good enough for.. (1) and (2)
Read Casey's Mom's blog about living the green life, and the mysteries of chickens at Cluck-Cluck-Here.blogspot.com.
Fashion Show - Live Feed
We're at the OYFP fashion show right now. Stay up to date by following Casey W's tweets at twitter.com. Her feed: http://twitter.com/smazzle
We're good enough for... (2)
We're good enough for... the Boston Globe's trendy new "G" section.... are we good enough for you?
From top left: OYFP's John R and fashion show director Adrienne P; photo of the event in the Boston Globe's G Section.
Bottom: Catie F, one of tonight's models, holding the Boston Globe Section G.
Casey's talking about the OYFP Fashion Show Christopher's Catwalk, tonight Nov 13 from 8 PM to 11 PM. Tickets are just $20 online or $25 at the door, all proceeds go to Christopher's Haven. Online ticket sales close today at 4 PM.
Still on the fence? Read Casey's Top Ten Reasons To Go Out Thursday Night.
From top left: OYFP's John R and fashion show director Adrienne P; photo of the event in the Boston Globe's G Section.Bottom: Catie F, one of tonight's models, holding the Boston Globe Section G.
Casey's talking about the OYFP Fashion Show Christopher's Catwalk, tonight Nov 13 from 8 PM to 11 PM. Tickets are just $20 online or $25 at the door, all proceeds go to Christopher's Haven. Online ticket sales close today at 4 PM.
Still on the fence? Read Casey's Top Ten Reasons To Go Out Thursday Night.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
We're good enough for.... (1)
We're good enough for... the Boston Herald Style Calendar to pun about... are we good enough for you?
Here's a big shout-out to all the Boston area blogs and beyond who have posted about our event:
- Beantown Bloggery "Your guide to anything and everything Boston"
- New Brahmin, which "creates a much-needed home for fashion, style and shopping news in the Boston area"
- JQ Lounge, a local Boston babe's blog
- Boston Fashion, your source for all things fashion-related
- BostonCondoLoft.com, with information about Boston condos, lofts, and more
- PunkyStyle.com, the writer of which is "the girl who always knows what to wear and how to wear it"
- Bostonista, who is "23, Model Junkie, Fashion Obsessed"
- NEW: What's Up 2 Night, where you can learn about all kinds of goings on in Boston
Thank you ever so much for supporting your fellow Boston bloggers and charities.
See you Thursday night!!!
Casey's talking about the OYFP Fashion Show Christopher's Catwalk, Nov 13 from 8 PM to 11 PM. Tickets are just $20, all proceeds go to Christopher's Haven.
Related Posts: We're good enough for... (2); Children get cancer
Here's a big shout-out to all the Boston area blogs and beyond who have posted about our event:- Beantown Bloggery "Your guide to anything and everything Boston"
- New Brahmin, which "creates a much-needed home for fashion, style and shopping news in the Boston area"
- JQ Lounge, a local Boston babe's blog
- Boston Fashion, your source for all things fashion-related
- BostonCondoLoft.com, with information about Boston condos, lofts, and more
- PunkyStyle.com, the writer of which is "the girl who always knows what to wear and how to wear it"
- Bostonista, who is "23, Model Junkie, Fashion Obsessed"
- NEW: What's Up 2 Night, where you can learn about all kinds of goings on in Boston
Thank you ever so much for supporting your fellow Boston bloggers and charities.
See you Thursday night!!!
Casey's talking about the OYFP Fashion Show Christopher's Catwalk, Nov 13 from 8 PM to 11 PM. Tickets are just $20, all proceeds go to Christopher's Haven.
Related Posts: We're good enough for... (2); Children get cancer
Top Ten Reasons to Go Out Thursday Night
1. You have a chance to help kids with cancer and have fun. Contrary to popular belief, the two are not mutually exclusive.2. No one likes a couch potato, even in french fry form. Get your butt off the couch already! Just because it's getting chilly out doesn't mean you should become a shut-in.
3. The fashions being shown range the gamut from some hawt booty shorts to classic vintage designs and trendy cowboy boots. There's a little something for everyone, including the males in
the group.4. There will be music that you'll want to move to. DJ Justin will be spinning, and we'll also have a lovely vocalist as a treat.
5. You could win something special in the raffle if you choose to buy a ticket. At the very least, if you're one of the first 100, you'll get a gift bag.
6. There will be a feast for the eyes. Besides the fashions, there will be art for you to analyze.
7. Auction up! Bid away! Feel famous! Bid on some of our prizes, including signed items by Kevin Youkalis.
8. Rum samples. Need I say more?
9. The kids with cancer are really, really cute, and really, really sick. The very least you can do is help them by donating $20 for your ticket.
10. If you're pumped up (slash tipsy) after the event, you can spend the rest of the evening at Ned Devine's dancing the night away!
11. (BONUS ROUND!) You can hang out with the dedicated OYFP members who put the event on! We're fun, we're social, we're good looking, what more could you ask for?
Those are the ten reasons I'll be at the event.. what are yours?
Get your tickets for Christopher's Catwalk online now for $20, or pay $25 at the door. The event takes place Thursday, Nov 13 from 8 PM to 11 PM at Parris, which is at the back of Ned Devine's.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
went to the movies with my baby... and laughed and laughed
Every post can't be a complaint. :)
Last night I went to the movies and saw Soul Men (with Bernie Mac and Samuel Jackson). If you need a good giggle -- and I mean a hearty, from the bottom of your belly kind of laugh -- hurry and go to this movie.
My goodness... I laughed so hard that I had tears in my eyes. I nearly lost my breath a few times... just because I was laughing so much. This movie was so good, even I started wondering if I could find a bootleg copy on DVD so that my mom could see it. I don't buy bootlegs at all. But since my mother doesn't go to the movies... I was seriously wondering for a moment, if I could find a bootleg copy of this movie to share it with her. (and possibly to watch again during chemotherapy)
I needed to laugh. I needed to be outside of myself and my own misery for awhile. When the movie was over, I wanted to sit and watch it again... I just enjoyed it that much.
I will say this though... it was rather chilly last night. When we were heading home, I was totally taken by surprise at how cold it had gotten last night. Down into the 40's. (WHAT??) Its not winter yet... I wasn't ready for all that.
I have to really get myself together for this weather change. My blood is thinner now than usual -- and I usually get cold easily. I need hats, scarves, gloves... man! Its crazy.
I have chemo on Thursday... I'm already thinking about what I'm going to wear because I have to make sure to dress warmly enough.
Ain't that a blip? Its only November. Sheesh.
lol... but in the grand scheme of things... if making sure that I dress warmly is the biggest concern that I have... I'm definitely doing ALRIGHT.
Go see Bernie Mac. His last movie is a really good one. Plus, Isaac Hayes is in it, playing himself. Black Moses! (head bowed, fist in the air.) Don't do like the folks at the movie theater here though -- this is NOT a kid-friendly movie. The language in this sucker is horrible. The script must have been 80% profanity... just one curse word after another. (but I promise you... it is soooo funny)
No kids. Dress warm. Be ready to have a good time. :)
~Nic
If you have any movie recommendations, please share them. I really could use some laughter...
Last night I went to the movies and saw Soul Men (with Bernie Mac and Samuel Jackson). If you need a good giggle -- and I mean a hearty, from the bottom of your belly kind of laugh -- hurry and go to this movie.
My goodness... I laughed so hard that I had tears in my eyes. I nearly lost my breath a few times... just because I was laughing so much. This movie was so good, even I started wondering if I could find a bootleg copy on DVD so that my mom could see it. I don't buy bootlegs at all. But since my mother doesn't go to the movies... I was seriously wondering for a moment, if I could find a bootleg copy of this movie to share it with her. (and possibly to watch again during chemotherapy)
I needed to laugh. I needed to be outside of myself and my own misery for awhile. When the movie was over, I wanted to sit and watch it again... I just enjoyed it that much.
I will say this though... it was rather chilly last night. When we were heading home, I was totally taken by surprise at how cold it had gotten last night. Down into the 40's. (WHAT??) Its not winter yet... I wasn't ready for all that.
I have to really get myself together for this weather change. My blood is thinner now than usual -- and I usually get cold easily. I need hats, scarves, gloves... man! Its crazy.
I have chemo on Thursday... I'm already thinking about what I'm going to wear because I have to make sure to dress warmly enough.
Ain't that a blip? Its only November. Sheesh.
lol... but in the grand scheme of things... if making sure that I dress warmly is the biggest concern that I have... I'm definitely doing ALRIGHT.
Go see Bernie Mac. His last movie is a really good one. Plus, Isaac Hayes is in it, playing himself. Black Moses! (head bowed, fist in the air.) Don't do like the folks at the movie theater here though -- this is NOT a kid-friendly movie. The language in this sucker is horrible. The script must have been 80% profanity... just one curse word after another. (but I promise you... it is soooo funny)
No kids. Dress warm. Be ready to have a good time. :)
~Nic
If you have any movie recommendations, please share them. I really could use some laughter...
Children Get Cancer, but you can help!
Before the age of 19, one in every 330 children in the United States will develop some form of cancer. Cancer is the number one cause of death due to disease in children aged one through adolescence. Brain tumors are the second-leading cause of childhood cancer, accounting for 15% of all childhood malignancies and occur mainly in children between the ages of five and 10 (National Children's Cancer Foundation, 1997).
Sobering statistics.
I mean, dang. Kids with cancer? Geez. Not to mention even if they recover, they can often fight an uphill battle trying to fit back into their old lives.
So what can you do? Diagnosis from this blogger is simple: Attend our upcoming charity fashion show and lounge party called "Christopher's Catwalk" on Thursday, Nov. 13. Even if you don't consider yourself a fashionista, chances are you'll enjoy this shindig. There will be music, art, rum samples, and an auction, and tickets are just $20 if you get on it and buy them online before Thursday night.Since OYFP's own fashionista Adrienne has gotten most of the items for the event donated, close to 100% of the funds from your ticket price will go to help kids with cancer. That's right, those 1 in 330 who get cancer when they're under the age of 13. OYFP's partner Christopher's Haven helps kids with brain cancer and their families while the kids are getting treatment at Massachusetts General Hospital.
No excuses, folks. There's fun, there's goodwill, and there's us! See you Thursday night!
Purchase tickets online at http://oyfp.org/BOS/events/view/163/.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Clothing as Self Expression
With the upcoming OYFP charity fashion show this Thursday, my thoughts this week have turned to clothing. Just exactly why do we take it so seriously? And when does this obsession (for some of us) start?In every culture, communication is not just what comes out of our mouth, it's our body language, it's how we fashion our hair, it's who we gather around us, it's what we put on our bodies, that communicates our message to those who know us (or don't).
Typically we start to become more aware of what we put on our bodies when we're teens. "Mom, I cannnnn'tttttt wear that!!!!! NO NO no NO No No!" This is the period when we're a little bit lost (psychologically) and trying to fit in with our identified group until we figure it all out, and it is of upmost importance we don't misstep, though invariably we always do.
Really, though, this doesn't change much even as we age. We continue throughout our lives to wear clothing similar to that of our friends, or perhaps similar to that of people with whom we would like to be friends. Researchers have postulated that clothing helps us satisfy our "higher order needs" of belonging and self-esteem. Some adults take it even farther - for them, clothing has been found to contribute to a sense of well-being or quality of life.
Think about it - we all have that favorite t-shirt or dress, and it's not only because of how it fits, but because of how it makes us feel. Even guys who proclaim "I don't care what I wear" can't help but feel good when they're wearing that blue tshirt that they know makes their eyes look good, or a suit that makes them look sharp.
So. Where do you fall on the scale of caring about what you wear? Or don't you?
Related Posts: Who is Happier?; How to be Happier
Related Events: OYFP Fashion Show, Nov 13 from 8 PM to 11 PM. Tickets are just $20, all proceeds go to Christopher's Haven.
This blog post was based on research I read about from the paper Clothing in the Self-System of Adolescents by M. Suzanne Sontag, Mihaela Peteu, and Jongnam Lee (1997).
Sunday, November 9, 2008
disclaimer for my last post
Folks, please don't take any of my posts -- but especially this last one -- personal. They are not meant to be attacks on any one in my life. Its just ranting... Just a way for me to let go some of the stuff that I carry around with me every day.
I don't think that people are rude or mean. In fact, its the opposite problem. I am often overwhelmed by how much people care and want to show me, tell me that they care.
I don't take any of it for granted. I honestly don't.
But if I don't purge myself of the negativity or the stuff that stresses me out from time to time -- then the alternative is to stuff the feelings down inside. And let them do their damage there.
I try to be respectful of everyone's feelings. I try to be respectful of everyone's time and attention. I am not trying to be rude or mean spirited.
My last post was just my way of saying... yet again... I'm really sick of being sick, of thinking about being sick, of dealing with the ramifications of being sick.
You... are perfect just the way you are. And I thank you for taking time out of your life to walk with me for a little while.
~Nic
I don't think that people are rude or mean. In fact, its the opposite problem. I am often overwhelmed by how much people care and want to show me, tell me that they care.
I don't take any of it for granted. I honestly don't.
But if I don't purge myself of the negativity or the stuff that stresses me out from time to time -- then the alternative is to stuff the feelings down inside. And let them do their damage there.
I try to be respectful of everyone's feelings. I try to be respectful of everyone's time and attention. I am not trying to be rude or mean spirited.
My last post was just my way of saying... yet again... I'm really sick of being sick, of thinking about being sick, of dealing with the ramifications of being sick.
You... are perfect just the way you are. And I thank you for taking time out of your life to walk with me for a little while.
~Nic
next lifetime... i wanna be a blue/green eyed white chick...
Thursday's chemo hit me so hard emotionally... that I've been sort of cocooning with myself and just trying to figure out why the tears are flowing so much. Since today is Sunday and the start of a glorious new week of life... I decided today was the day that I got off my behind and started getting it in gear.
My room needed cleaning, laundry needed washing, sheets needed changing... etc. You know... regular old weekend chores that I needed to do before Thursday came again. (remember, chemo is now every week, instead of every other week)
Of course, I took lazy breaks as needed so that the work didn't feel so much like... well, work. During one of my first breaks... I finished reading "Kindred". (it was a very good book, not what I expected but really really good)
So... when I decided to take another break later on, I needed something else to read. I tried to revisit "A long way gone: memoirs of a boy soldier"... but it was still a bit too much for my spirit right now. The second book I picked up, "Crazy sexy cancer tips" was recommended to me by quite a few people. When I received it (I think I ordered it from http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com)... as soon as I looked at it, I regretted the purchase. Couldn't bring myself to read it.
It has a foreword by Sheryl Crow... and while I think her music is fine, and I know that she had her own bout with breast cancer... I just couldn't see myself gaining much from her words. (Yes, I do realize how snarky that sounds) But this afternoon, I figured that enough time had passed and that I was far enough along in my treatment that it might be okay for me to read this book and not feel weird.
For those who don't know... I have a very short "book attention span". It could be the writer in me, or maybe I'm just a snob for no reason... but I give books a really short window to grab me before they end up on a shelf collecting dust. The reason is simple. If I have to force myself to read it, I'm not likely to gain much from it. It just might not be my time for that message. So, rather than torture myself... I put it away and just allow myself the option to read it when I'm in a better place mentally. Especially if its a book that I suspect is a good one.
So... you'll be interested to know that by page 26... I realized that I too... should have been born a nice white lady with blonde hair and blue or green eyes. Why? Because for some reason... these chicks seem to just have it all under control.
Sheryl Crow's introduction made me want to barf. Literally. She goes on and on about how devastating her cancer diagnosis was, and such things. (I am really being a bitch) But then she shares that her cancer was found really early and she had microcalcifications but no tumors.
Uh huh. Focus on the first part of that word... MICRO. That means that without a microscope, you can't see it, you can't feel it. It basically barely exists at all... except that it does. I felt really angry at that. Sure... its unreasonable of me to be pissed because someone else's tragedy isn't quite as tragic as mine. But I really was annoyed.
I pressed on. Kriss Carr... the author of the book... was diagnosed with stage IV of some super-duper rare liver cancer, that had spread to her lungs. She had 10 tumors on the surface of her liver.
So... I thought... "damn, that's horrible... let me read on to see what she has to say about this thing... she must know something good"....
... well... not really. I mean, sure, I'm only on page 26 and so far, she really hasn't said much except how blown she was about her diagnosis. (I bet she was... that's a damn doozy right there) But then... she reveals that...
...there's nothing they can do about her cancer. She's not in treatment. The cancer isn't growing, isn't moving, isn't spreading... Its just... there.
And while I know... I really do know how devastating it must be to just know that you have something in your body that doesn't belong. Something that changes who you are... from normal girl, living her normal life... to... "cancer survivor"... is nothing small.
But again... dammit.
These white chicks seem to have this thing down pat. They just skip through life, la-la-la! happy go damn lucky..
"damn, I have cancer... woo... let's have a party or start a movement...yay, let's change the world!"
I do not feel that way. Maybe its just too early -- though it already seems like four forevers have passed since I learned I have cancer. But when I talk to other black women (the few that I have actually allowed myself to communicate with -- more on that later)... none of them have this happy-go-lucky attitude.
They tell me that what I feel is normal. They tell me that writing my blog is courageous. They tell me that I will get past all of this and life will go on. But they never ever make it seem like... "Yay... today I have cancer and ... I'm gonna make a movie, and write a book, or start a class... blah blah blah."
Is perkiness something that only comes to blonde haired white women with blue (or green) eyes? And if its not... is it even something I want to have?
I'm going to try to read more of this stupid book. But I'm a little pissed at the moment. Why do I want to read about a chick who changes her eating habits etc. for a disease that she can effectively live with? I can't live with Fred, Ted and Jim -- even if I wanted to. Those greedy bastards are sucking up the estrogen in my body like red kool-aid... and they are growing like fat kids who eat cake every day.
If they aren't stopped... they could literally burst through my breast and explode all over the place. And that's not even thinking about what other damage they could do to other parts of my body. Since Jim is already laid up in my lymph nodes... it would be nothing but a thing for him to jump on into the lymphatic system -- sorta like jumping on a subway train -- and just travelling on through my body and stopping off at my bones, or some other organs along the way.
What I'm saying is that... my cancer... REQUIRES treatment. Aggressive treatment. Chemotherapy that is draining all my energy, my good spirits and such. I know that everybody's cancer is different -- and I'm sure that I'm dead wrong for comparing mine with theirs and everybody else's who has mentioned to me that they (or their relative/friend) has/had cancer...
I'm also sure this post will probably earn a lot of boos from from the crowd... I'll have to take that today. Right at this moment (which I know will pass) I am pissed.
If I don't stop this thing... I could die. Period.
Meanwhile... she has cancer that is just... laying there. At one point she writes...
Well... (picture the neck swivel...and the hands on the hips)... let me tell you as one of those sisters with a "popular" cancer... All that bullshit she just named... is just that for me. BULLSHIT.
I could give less than a damn about a pink ribbon, an awareness campaign, a grand public display of sympathy forced into a walk or a marathon.... I don't want to participate in any support groups, or go to classes to teach me how to wear a wig or put on makeup.
I don't -- dammit!! -- want to do any of it. I don't want any parts of it. I truly don't. I want to be back to normal. That's it.
I am too tired of feeling like a monkey in a cage. I promise you -- it is not fun, in any way, to be part of millions of people with a disease that could kill you. It is not fun to feel like you're a symbol for someone else's fear -- while you're struggling with your own fears.
In fairness... there were some things that she mentioned (in these few pages) that I could relate to. Like the ongoing mind chatter that's all about death or dying... the stuff you can't mention to people when they ask how you're doing because they will probably think you're out of your damn mind. And in even more fairness... I probably will glean some goodness from her book. She was diagnosed with her cancer 5 years before me. I hope that she's learned something from her journey that is relatable to other folks.
I don't want to go to any support groups. I do not want to feel like I'm any more on display to the world that I'm some sort of "freak"... than I already feel with my bald head, my darkened hands and feet, and so forth.
I don't want to go to classes to teach me things that I learned when I was 15, like putting on makeup. or stuff I am just not even remotely interested in -- like how to wear a wig. (bleah)
I'm just not that interested. Not now.
Maybe I will move to that place where group activities will feel more like a normal thing for me... but right now, it feels forced. I have been finding myself either saying yes when I want to say no... Or making excuses because I'm too chicken to just flat out say no.
NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.
If this is a time for me to learn how to put myself first, to focus on what's good for me... etc. and so forth... then I have to grasp that saying no comes with that territory.
No.
No support groups. No prayer circles. No visits with small children. No. Just no.
I will admit to enjoying some of the attention that "I have cancer" brings out in people. But most of it is really uncomfortable. People get these weird looks on their faces, or these odd ass silences when you're speaking with them. Or they ask dumb questions that they don't realize are dumb. Or they offer you unsolicited advice for some odd "cure" that you just have to try. Or they ask for details that you know they really don't want because when you give it to them -- you can see/hear them just glaze over. And you know what has happened is that they have leapt out of what's happening to you and right into their own imagination about.... "what if this happened to me". Its understandable... I just don't like dealing with it, over and over and over again.
And that's what I'm not ready to deal with on a more public level. Even in a support group, there has to be a level of sharing that I'm not quite ready for.
To start with... I am not...
My name is Nicole Valencia. And somehow... in all of this "disease and treatment" crap... she has completely gotten lost. Nicole had a whole life and a bunch of dreams mapped out prior to July 28th. Now... its like none of that matters.
All I ever hear... over and over and over again...
"how are you feeling?"
Which is really not the same as ... "how's it going?" or "how are ya?"
How are you feeling is very specific and goes right to.... "you have cancer Nicole". I am really being a bitch and I'm sorry but I'm tired of all day, every day... cancer cancer cancer!
(see, what that book did to my happy mood?)
Even my boyfriend doesn't talk to me the same way anymore. He asks me how I'm feeling before any conversation can take place. It was okay for awhile, but now its smothering me. Making me constantly remain stuck in this awareness that my body ain't quite right.
Its rude of me to say any of this... but I can't shake this feeling that for the rest of my life every time someone asks me.... "how are you?" ... I'm going to hear.... "is your cancer better today?"
Imagine if... you had a really painful, hot, bright red, pimple on your nose or your chin. And everyday... everyone asked... "wow, does that hurt?"... "damn, that looks painful"... "how does it FEEL?" And so forth... its a little bit like that.
There isn't a remedy for what I'm feeling. And I know that as soon as I finish this entry... I'll go right back to pretending/believing that it doesn't bother me. I can't tell if it really doesn't bother me or if I'm just so accustomed to being on the surface of my feelings... that I don't know if it bothers me until I force myself to focus on it. Like... reading a book about someone else's cancer struggle.
"Inspirational stories of black cancer survivors"... that's one more book that I'm going to read at some point. I'm just not ready for it right now. I appreciate the gift and the thoughtfulness that inspired it. But I just want to be me again. Not me with cancer. Or me dealing with chemo side effects, or emotional baggage caused by fear of my early and/or painful death. I'm not ready to be inspired by black people struggling with this pain.
I'm pissed at the moment that I won't be "me" ever again. At least not a "me" that I really am comfortable with, yet. It took me about 35 years to get comfy in my skin, to feel like I knew who I was... and then just when I was getting into the groove -- BAM! -- now you're a totally new chick with a whole bunch of new problems. Ta-da.
I apologize right now for being rude and obnoxious. My mother did teach me better than this. I do have home training. And I know that its not nice to be so sour with people who have nothing but good intentions for you.
I was having a pretty nice, lazy day Sunday... washing clothes, playing games online, etc. But then I made the bad decision of trying to learn more about how to deal with this cancer.
Well... (full disclosure)... I was hoping for a remedy for all this damn gas. I am about to blow my room right outta my house. It is HORRIBLE over here. That's another reason why I'm avoiding people -- I'm not really fit for human consumption over here... and to top all of that... I have no shame about cutting one loose. (and now I know my momma taught me better than that!)
See? I'm back to giggling at myself. I'm already over it...
...thank goodness.
My room needed cleaning, laundry needed washing, sheets needed changing... etc. You know... regular old weekend chores that I needed to do before Thursday came again. (remember, chemo is now every week, instead of every other week)
Of course, I took lazy breaks as needed so that the work didn't feel so much like... well, work. During one of my first breaks... I finished reading "Kindred". (it was a very good book, not what I expected but really really good)
So... when I decided to take another break later on, I needed something else to read. I tried to revisit "A long way gone: memoirs of a boy soldier"... but it was still a bit too much for my spirit right now. The second book I picked up, "Crazy sexy cancer tips" was recommended to me by quite a few people. When I received it (I think I ordered it from http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com)... as soon as I looked at it, I regretted the purchase. Couldn't bring myself to read it.
It has a foreword by Sheryl Crow... and while I think her music is fine, and I know that she had her own bout with breast cancer... I just couldn't see myself gaining much from her words. (Yes, I do realize how snarky that sounds) But this afternoon, I figured that enough time had passed and that I was far enough along in my treatment that it might be okay for me to read this book and not feel weird.
For those who don't know... I have a very short "book attention span". It could be the writer in me, or maybe I'm just a snob for no reason... but I give books a really short window to grab me before they end up on a shelf collecting dust. The reason is simple. If I have to force myself to read it, I'm not likely to gain much from it. It just might not be my time for that message. So, rather than torture myself... I put it away and just allow myself the option to read it when I'm in a better place mentally. Especially if its a book that I suspect is a good one.
So... you'll be interested to know that by page 26... I realized that I too... should have been born a nice white lady with blonde hair and blue or green eyes. Why? Because for some reason... these chicks seem to just have it all under control.
Sheryl Crow's introduction made me want to barf. Literally. She goes on and on about how devastating her cancer diagnosis was, and such things. (I am really being a bitch) But then she shares that her cancer was found really early and she had microcalcifications but no tumors.
Uh huh. Focus on the first part of that word... MICRO. That means that without a microscope, you can't see it, you can't feel it. It basically barely exists at all... except that it does. I felt really angry at that. Sure... its unreasonable of me to be pissed because someone else's tragedy isn't quite as tragic as mine. But I really was annoyed.
I pressed on. Kriss Carr... the author of the book... was diagnosed with stage IV of some super-duper rare liver cancer, that had spread to her lungs. She had 10 tumors on the surface of her liver.
So... I thought... "damn, that's horrible... let me read on to see what she has to say about this thing... she must know something good"....
... well... not really. I mean, sure, I'm only on page 26 and so far, she really hasn't said much except how blown she was about her diagnosis. (I bet she was... that's a damn doozy right there) But then... she reveals that...
...there's nothing they can do about her cancer. She's not in treatment. The cancer isn't growing, isn't moving, isn't spreading... Its just... there.
And while I know... I really do know how devastating it must be to just know that you have something in your body that doesn't belong. Something that changes who you are... from normal girl, living her normal life... to... "cancer survivor"... is nothing small.
But again... dammit.
These white chicks seem to have this thing down pat. They just skip through life, la-la-la! happy go damn lucky..
"damn, I have cancer... woo... let's have a party or start a movement...yay, let's change the world!"
I do not feel that way. Maybe its just too early -- though it already seems like four forevers have passed since I learned I have cancer. But when I talk to other black women (the few that I have actually allowed myself to communicate with -- more on that later)... none of them have this happy-go-lucky attitude.
They tell me that what I feel is normal. They tell me that writing my blog is courageous. They tell me that I will get past all of this and life will go on. But they never ever make it seem like... "Yay... today I have cancer and ... I'm gonna make a movie, and write a book, or start a class... blah blah blah."
Is perkiness something that only comes to blonde haired white women with blue (or green) eyes? And if its not... is it even something I want to have?
I'm going to try to read more of this stupid book. But I'm a little pissed at the moment. Why do I want to read about a chick who changes her eating habits etc. for a disease that she can effectively live with? I can't live with Fred, Ted and Jim -- even if I wanted to. Those greedy bastards are sucking up the estrogen in my body like red kool-aid... and they are growing like fat kids who eat cake every day.
If they aren't stopped... they could literally burst through my breast and explode all over the place. And that's not even thinking about what other damage they could do to other parts of my body. Since Jim is already laid up in my lymph nodes... it would be nothing but a thing for him to jump on into the lymphatic system -- sorta like jumping on a subway train -- and just travelling on through my body and stopping off at my bones, or some other organs along the way.
What I'm saying is that... my cancer... REQUIRES treatment. Aggressive treatment. Chemotherapy that is draining all my energy, my good spirits and such. I know that everybody's cancer is different -- and I'm sure that I'm dead wrong for comparing mine with theirs and everybody else's who has mentioned to me that they (or their relative/friend) has/had cancer...
I'm also sure this post will probably earn a lot of boos from from the crowd... I'll have to take that today. Right at this moment (which I know will pass) I am pissed.
If I don't stop this thing... I could die. Period.
Meanwhile... she has cancer that is just... laying there. At one point she writes...
"Why couldn't I have a popular cancer? No, I had to get a rare cancer that only affects about 0.1 percent of the population. There would be no groups for me, no walks, no ribbons, no sisterhood bullshit, nothing."
Well... (picture the neck swivel...and the hands on the hips)... let me tell you as one of those sisters with a "popular" cancer... All that bullshit she just named... is just that for me. BULLSHIT.
I could give less than a damn about a pink ribbon, an awareness campaign, a grand public display of sympathy forced into a walk or a marathon.... I don't want to participate in any support groups, or go to classes to teach me how to wear a wig or put on makeup.
I don't -- dammit!! -- want to do any of it. I don't want any parts of it. I truly don't. I want to be back to normal. That's it.
I am too tired of feeling like a monkey in a cage. I promise you -- it is not fun, in any way, to be part of millions of people with a disease that could kill you. It is not fun to feel like you're a symbol for someone else's fear -- while you're struggling with your own fears.
In fairness... there were some things that she mentioned (in these few pages) that I could relate to. Like the ongoing mind chatter that's all about death or dying... the stuff you can't mention to people when they ask how you're doing because they will probably think you're out of your damn mind. And in even more fairness... I probably will glean some goodness from her book. She was diagnosed with her cancer 5 years before me. I hope that she's learned something from her journey that is relatable to other folks.
I don't want to go to any support groups. I do not want to feel like I'm any more on display to the world that I'm some sort of "freak"... than I already feel with my bald head, my darkened hands and feet, and so forth.
I don't want to go to classes to teach me things that I learned when I was 15, like putting on makeup. or stuff I am just not even remotely interested in -- like how to wear a wig. (bleah)
I'm just not that interested. Not now.
Maybe I will move to that place where group activities will feel more like a normal thing for me... but right now, it feels forced. I have been finding myself either saying yes when I want to say no... Or making excuses because I'm too chicken to just flat out say no.
NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.
If this is a time for me to learn how to put myself first, to focus on what's good for me... etc. and so forth... then I have to grasp that saying no comes with that territory.
No.
No support groups. No prayer circles. No visits with small children. No. Just no.
I will admit to enjoying some of the attention that "I have cancer" brings out in people. But most of it is really uncomfortable. People get these weird looks on their faces, or these odd ass silences when you're speaking with them. Or they ask dumb questions that they don't realize are dumb. Or they offer you unsolicited advice for some odd "cure" that you just have to try. Or they ask for details that you know they really don't want because when you give it to them -- you can see/hear them just glaze over. And you know what has happened is that they have leapt out of what's happening to you and right into their own imagination about.... "what if this happened to me". Its understandable... I just don't like dealing with it, over and over and over again.
And that's what I'm not ready to deal with on a more public level. Even in a support group, there has to be a level of sharing that I'm not quite ready for.
To start with... I am not...
stage 3a breast cancer, HER2 positive, 4 tumors,
lymph node positive...
My name is Nicole Valencia. And somehow... in all of this "disease and treatment" crap... she has completely gotten lost. Nicole had a whole life and a bunch of dreams mapped out prior to July 28th. Now... its like none of that matters.
All I ever hear... over and over and over again...
"how are you feeling?"
Which is really not the same as ... "how's it going?" or "how are ya?"
How are you feeling is very specific and goes right to.... "you have cancer Nicole". I am really being a bitch and I'm sorry but I'm tired of all day, every day... cancer cancer cancer!
(see, what that book did to my happy mood?)
Even my boyfriend doesn't talk to me the same way anymore. He asks me how I'm feeling before any conversation can take place. It was okay for awhile, but now its smothering me. Making me constantly remain stuck in this awareness that my body ain't quite right.
Its rude of me to say any of this... but I can't shake this feeling that for the rest of my life every time someone asks me.... "how are you?" ... I'm going to hear.... "is your cancer better today?"
Imagine if... you had a really painful, hot, bright red, pimple on your nose or your chin. And everyday... everyone asked... "wow, does that hurt?"... "damn, that looks painful"... "how does it FEEL?" And so forth... its a little bit like that.
There isn't a remedy for what I'm feeling. And I know that as soon as I finish this entry... I'll go right back to pretending/believing that it doesn't bother me. I can't tell if it really doesn't bother me or if I'm just so accustomed to being on the surface of my feelings... that I don't know if it bothers me until I force myself to focus on it. Like... reading a book about someone else's cancer struggle.
"Inspirational stories of black cancer survivors"... that's one more book that I'm going to read at some point. I'm just not ready for it right now. I appreciate the gift and the thoughtfulness that inspired it. But I just want to be me again. Not me with cancer. Or me dealing with chemo side effects, or emotional baggage caused by fear of my early and/or painful death. I'm not ready to be inspired by black people struggling with this pain.
I'm pissed at the moment that I won't be "me" ever again. At least not a "me" that I really am comfortable with, yet. It took me about 35 years to get comfy in my skin, to feel like I knew who I was... and then just when I was getting into the groove -- BAM! -- now you're a totally new chick with a whole bunch of new problems. Ta-da.
I apologize right now for being rude and obnoxious. My mother did teach me better than this. I do have home training. And I know that its not nice to be so sour with people who have nothing but good intentions for you.
I was having a pretty nice, lazy day Sunday... washing clothes, playing games online, etc. But then I made the bad decision of trying to learn more about how to deal with this cancer.
Well... (full disclosure)... I was hoping for a remedy for all this damn gas. I am about to blow my room right outta my house. It is HORRIBLE over here. That's another reason why I'm avoiding people -- I'm not really fit for human consumption over here... and to top all of that... I have no shame about cutting one loose. (and now I know my momma taught me better than that!)
See? I'm back to giggling at myself. I'm already over it...
...thank goodness.
Friday, November 7, 2008
my adventure with herceptin (another level of chemotherapy)
Thursday was my first treatment with herceptin. I will be taking this medication every week for an entire year (yay... more chemo!). My cancer is HER2 positive -- which has something to do with estrogen fueling my cancer. This medication is supposed to slow and/or stop that growth.
I went to the cancer center expecting to be in and out in about an hour... ended up being there for a few hours. The first dose is 3 times as long as the weekly dose. So, I had to take this IV for 90 minutes. My favorite oncology nurse, Theresa, warned me that herceptin causes some random side effects -- not for everyone of course, but for some of us. I listened to everything she said and thought that I would probably be one of the folks who didn't have a reaction. I'm typically that girl. Guess my typical days are over because 60 mins into my drip... I started reacting.
Let me put this in perspective for you. I completely forgot about that this appointment was scheduled for 830 am. (I am really not a morning person) I remembered that I had to be at the cancer center at 1 am. I mentioned it to my mom -- wasn't sure that she heard me or if she was sleeping. I contacted my boyfriend, who was just ending his work night. He said that he would take me if I woke him up.
Interestingly enough, my mother did hear me and she got up in time for us to make it to the doctor. Worked out well because I couldn't get in touch with my boyfriend -- phone difficulties -- and by the time I did reach him, my mom was ready to go. Here's the thing... my mom was willing to battle rush hour traffic to get me there on time but she couldn't bring herself to come upstairs.
So... when it seemed like I would only be upstairs for an hour, she was willing to sit in the car and wait. When I called to tell her it would be more like 2 hours, she still didn't want to come upstairs to the cancer center. I shrugged it off, I sort of knew that she had a problem with watching me take the chemo so I tried not to be upset that she would rather sit in her car (nice car that it is, mind you) than sit with me.
But I wasn't very happy about it. What can I say? I can't force someone (even my sweet loving mother) to deal with something this harsh if she's not capable of it. Its good enough that she was willing to get up so early, on such notice and take me down there. She didn't have to do that -- especially when you add in the misery of rush hour traffic.
I sat in the cancer center, like I said... getting yet another chemo drip, feeling really lonely and scared. I know all the nurses that work there (I see them all the time), I trust them, I know they will look out for me... and yet... I felt so absolutely alone. My mom was really only a phone call away -- she was just a few feet from my side when you think about it but I swear... I felt like I was alone on a deserted island. Let me add... lots of folks go to the cancer center alone and take their chemo like a champ, all by themselves. I honestly don't get it. I don't know how they do it. Even if my boyfriend and I don't talk at all, his presence by my side comforts me in a way that I cannot put into words. But we do talk, and laugh and generally transport ourselves out of that dreary-trying-to-be-cheery place and the hours just fly by.
So... my mom didn't want to see me hooked up to the IV and she stayed in her car, listening to the radio and probably working on her puzzles. Meanwhile, I read my book and kept stealing glances at the chemo bag trying to wish it to go faster, so I could go back home and get some sleep. And then... an hour into the drip, I started feeling really really cold.
One of the side effects was getting rigors (fancy medical term for the shakes you get when you're really cold). I was dressed warmly and I had one blanket... but I started to feel like the temperature around me was dropping.
I was determined to leave on time. I didn't want to keep my mom waiting and I wanted to go back to bed. I looked at the bag and guessed that I had only 30 more minutes... so I didn't say anything. But dammit if those doggone shakes didn't just fall on me hard within about 5 minutes of me deciding that I wasn't going to say anything. Theresa had also told me that if I did experience any side effects, they would have to slow down the drip and give my body a chance to adjust to it. Unlike with other medications, they weren't likely to stop giving me the medicine just because I reacted -- it was going down, regardless. So, like I said... I weighed my options and figured I could just hang in there for a few more minutes.
I'm always so wrong in my estimation of what works for me now. And I was wrong in this case too. Within 5 minutes I thought my teeth would fall out of my head from the chattering... I finally got the nurse's attention and told her that I needed another blanket.
It sounds silly to my ears... but when she looked at me and saw how cold I was, I started to cry. It defies reasonable explanation... but I was terrified and I was alone and I was actually too afraid of shouting out loud that I needed help, to even get her attention. I honestly sat there, shaking and shivering like a nut... waiting for someone to move near enough to me that I could catch their eye and let them know I needed help.
The area where we get chemo treatments is a big open area filled with lots of seats. There isn't any real privacy in there. I didn't want to disturb anyone else... especially when I felt that whatever I was going through just couldn't be that serious.
I cried. I was alone and if someone had been sitting there with me, I could have leaned over and asked them to get a nurse. But because I was alone, I could either struggle to get up and walk to their desk, shout out loud... or wait (I chose the latter)... until someone saw me. I was afraid. It doesn't make sense -- so if you're thinking to yourself that my actions didn't make sense, you're right. Keep in mind that I was really tired (didn't get much sleep the night before), I was hungry (it was too early to eat so I didn't), and I was disappointed (like a child) that nobody was there with me. So, I guess my reaction could be considered a tantrum. I don't know.
All I know is that without realizing just how scared I was... I was balling my eyes out while my nurse worked on my IV, adding this and that... stopping the other thing, trying to get me balanced out. And I was ashamed of it. That part really makes little to no sense as well. There wasn't one soul in that room who did not understand what I was going through or how I was feeling. But I felt like such a baby for not being able to deal with it alone.
I'm getting it together... even thinking about it makes me a little misty-eyed. On the ride home, my mom and I danced around the conversation (in our own way...) and she confessed that it was hard for her to go with me to chemotherapy. I knew that, even without her saying it... and it made me feel worse for having to ask her to take me. And before you even think it, I know she doesn't mind, she told me she doesn't mind... and I get it. But I also know that I don't like asking her to deal with this when I know it breaks her heart the way that it does.
She asked me to give her time to prepare herself mentally to go to the treatments. I will do that. And I might ... just might, mind you... have to ask a couple of you to come and hold my hand from time to time. Just to give her a break. (She's trying to give my boyfriend a break... because he's been doing it all for a long time now)
If I call... and you can't do it, or you don't think you can handle it, just tell me that upfront. I won't be upset. I truly understand. I just don't want to ask someone to do something that is too much for them, and they do it out of a sense of obligation and then have to deal with the emotional aftermath alone.
Just keep praying for me. It seems like it would get easier... but in some ways, its not.
------------
I wanted to add... I'm a really private person. You probably can't tell that from all the personal things I've shared here on this blog. As much as I can't stand being alone in chemo, I know that its going to happen again and again... as I go through this process. It is simply something I'm going to have to get used to. I may have been hormonal, and that's why I cried. Or it could be just as simple as ... I missed my mom. I don't know. What I do know is that it is really hard for me to allow anyone (including my mom, my dad and my boyfriend) to see me while I'm getting my chemo treatment.
It is such a vulnerable position. I can't really explain it. I feel naked there, even though I'm fully dressed. All that to say... If I don't ask you (or take you up on your offer) to sit with me during chemo please don't take it as a personal affront. I don't think I can articulate this well... but what I'm trying to say is that, I only feel comfortable with a few people seeing me in my total nakedness.
I went to the cancer center expecting to be in and out in about an hour... ended up being there for a few hours. The first dose is 3 times as long as the weekly dose. So, I had to take this IV for 90 minutes. My favorite oncology nurse, Theresa, warned me that herceptin causes some random side effects -- not for everyone of course, but for some of us. I listened to everything she said and thought that I would probably be one of the folks who didn't have a reaction. I'm typically that girl. Guess my typical days are over because 60 mins into my drip... I started reacting.
Let me put this in perspective for you. I completely forgot about that this appointment was scheduled for 830 am. (I am really not a morning person) I remembered that I had to be at the cancer center at 1 am. I mentioned it to my mom -- wasn't sure that she heard me or if she was sleeping. I contacted my boyfriend, who was just ending his work night. He said that he would take me if I woke him up.
Interestingly enough, my mother did hear me and she got up in time for us to make it to the doctor. Worked out well because I couldn't get in touch with my boyfriend -- phone difficulties -- and by the time I did reach him, my mom was ready to go. Here's the thing... my mom was willing to battle rush hour traffic to get me there on time but she couldn't bring herself to come upstairs.
So... when it seemed like I would only be upstairs for an hour, she was willing to sit in the car and wait. When I called to tell her it would be more like 2 hours, she still didn't want to come upstairs to the cancer center. I shrugged it off, I sort of knew that she had a problem with watching me take the chemo so I tried not to be upset that she would rather sit in her car (nice car that it is, mind you) than sit with me.
But I wasn't very happy about it. What can I say? I can't force someone (even my sweet loving mother) to deal with something this harsh if she's not capable of it. Its good enough that she was willing to get up so early, on such notice and take me down there. She didn't have to do that -- especially when you add in the misery of rush hour traffic.
I sat in the cancer center, like I said... getting yet another chemo drip, feeling really lonely and scared. I know all the nurses that work there (I see them all the time), I trust them, I know they will look out for me... and yet... I felt so absolutely alone. My mom was really only a phone call away -- she was just a few feet from my side when you think about it but I swear... I felt like I was alone on a deserted island. Let me add... lots of folks go to the cancer center alone and take their chemo like a champ, all by themselves. I honestly don't get it. I don't know how they do it. Even if my boyfriend and I don't talk at all, his presence by my side comforts me in a way that I cannot put into words. But we do talk, and laugh and generally transport ourselves out of that dreary-trying-to-be-cheery place and the hours just fly by.
So... my mom didn't want to see me hooked up to the IV and she stayed in her car, listening to the radio and probably working on her puzzles. Meanwhile, I read my book and kept stealing glances at the chemo bag trying to wish it to go faster, so I could go back home and get some sleep. And then... an hour into the drip, I started feeling really really cold.
One of the side effects was getting rigors (fancy medical term for the shakes you get when you're really cold). I was dressed warmly and I had one blanket... but I started to feel like the temperature around me was dropping.
I was determined to leave on time. I didn't want to keep my mom waiting and I wanted to go back to bed. I looked at the bag and guessed that I had only 30 more minutes... so I didn't say anything. But dammit if those doggone shakes didn't just fall on me hard within about 5 minutes of me deciding that I wasn't going to say anything. Theresa had also told me that if I did experience any side effects, they would have to slow down the drip and give my body a chance to adjust to it. Unlike with other medications, they weren't likely to stop giving me the medicine just because I reacted -- it was going down, regardless. So, like I said... I weighed my options and figured I could just hang in there for a few more minutes.
I'm always so wrong in my estimation of what works for me now. And I was wrong in this case too. Within 5 minutes I thought my teeth would fall out of my head from the chattering... I finally got the nurse's attention and told her that I needed another blanket.
It sounds silly to my ears... but when she looked at me and saw how cold I was, I started to cry. It defies reasonable explanation... but I was terrified and I was alone and I was actually too afraid of shouting out loud that I needed help, to even get her attention. I honestly sat there, shaking and shivering like a nut... waiting for someone to move near enough to me that I could catch their eye and let them know I needed help.
The area where we get chemo treatments is a big open area filled with lots of seats. There isn't any real privacy in there. I didn't want to disturb anyone else... especially when I felt that whatever I was going through just couldn't be that serious.
I cried. I was alone and if someone had been sitting there with me, I could have leaned over and asked them to get a nurse. But because I was alone, I could either struggle to get up and walk to their desk, shout out loud... or wait (I chose the latter)... until someone saw me. I was afraid. It doesn't make sense -- so if you're thinking to yourself that my actions didn't make sense, you're right. Keep in mind that I was really tired (didn't get much sleep the night before), I was hungry (it was too early to eat so I didn't), and I was disappointed (like a child) that nobody was there with me. So, I guess my reaction could be considered a tantrum. I don't know.
All I know is that without realizing just how scared I was... I was balling my eyes out while my nurse worked on my IV, adding this and that... stopping the other thing, trying to get me balanced out. And I was ashamed of it. That part really makes little to no sense as well. There wasn't one soul in that room who did not understand what I was going through or how I was feeling. But I felt like such a baby for not being able to deal with it alone.
I'm getting it together... even thinking about it makes me a little misty-eyed. On the ride home, my mom and I danced around the conversation (in our own way...) and she confessed that it was hard for her to go with me to chemotherapy. I knew that, even without her saying it... and it made me feel worse for having to ask her to take me. And before you even think it, I know she doesn't mind, she told me she doesn't mind... and I get it. But I also know that I don't like asking her to deal with this when I know it breaks her heart the way that it does.
She asked me to give her time to prepare herself mentally to go to the treatments. I will do that. And I might ... just might, mind you... have to ask a couple of you to come and hold my hand from time to time. Just to give her a break. (She's trying to give my boyfriend a break... because he's been doing it all for a long time now)
If I call... and you can't do it, or you don't think you can handle it, just tell me that upfront. I won't be upset. I truly understand. I just don't want to ask someone to do something that is too much for them, and they do it out of a sense of obligation and then have to deal with the emotional aftermath alone.
Just keep praying for me. It seems like it would get easier... but in some ways, its not.
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I wanted to add... I'm a really private person. You probably can't tell that from all the personal things I've shared here on this blog. As much as I can't stand being alone in chemo, I know that its going to happen again and again... as I go through this process. It is simply something I'm going to have to get used to. I may have been hormonal, and that's why I cried. Or it could be just as simple as ... I missed my mom. I don't know. What I do know is that it is really hard for me to allow anyone (including my mom, my dad and my boyfriend) to see me while I'm getting my chemo treatment.
It is such a vulnerable position. I can't really explain it. I feel naked there, even though I'm fully dressed. All that to say... If I don't ask you (or take you up on your offer) to sit with me during chemo please don't take it as a personal affront. I don't think I can articulate this well... but what I'm trying to say is that, I only feel comfortable with a few people seeing me in my total nakedness.
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