having a night where i could really use a hug...

I am tired of breast cancer. I know things could be worse. I admit that I have been remarkably blessed throughout this ordeal. But it is an ordeal. And I'm tired tonight.

Sick of aches and pains. Sick of wondering what I did wrong this time. Sick of trying to guess whether something is a major problem or a minor issue. Just tired. So really tired.

I've been thinking a lot about what I've learned along this journey. My line when asked, is that I've learned to be softer and kinder to myself and to be more relaxed. I have actually learned a lot of things. One thing I have learned is to be a bit more bold and a little less concerned with other people. I don't mean that I have learned to be a jerk (or maybe a bigger jerk). But I mean, I have learned that sometimes it is okay to think about what Nicole wants first.

I'm in a sour mood right now. I'm hoping it will pass soon but right now... I'm a little down. I had a wonderful weekend. I laughed until I cried so many times. So many times. I acted a pure fool and it was good. But the after effects of the flight home are really dragging me down.

My body is swollen and a little achy. My toe that was simply throbbing and tender last night... got much worse today. At one point, I looked down at my feet as I was walking through the office and realized that my toe was bleeding and it wasn't my imagination that it was hurting. I was stunned. A week ago, I was getting ready for a holiday weekend of fun. A week later, I'm at work wondering whether or not this issue was simple enough that a bandaid would be sufficient or if it rose to the level that I needed to alert the medical team about my latest little dilemma.

I called the oncologist's office and tried to speak to a nurse. That turned out to be a big deal. Having an infected toe is a cause for alarm -- but only a little alarm. It wasn't alarming enough for my oncology team to care. They suggested that my primary doctor would be a greater help. So... I decided that I didn't need to incur another bill... so I took myself to CVS and pick up some hydrogen peroxide, some neosporin and some bandages.

I felt better when I got back to the office with my supplies and worked on my toe problem. My limp was still there but I was still scooting around the office. No one really noticed and that's good. Right now, the pain is about a 2 or a 3, which is a good thing.

I have chemo next week and I'm already feeling a little anxious about it. I am coming to the end of my treatment. Its a blessing...but it scares me. So many things can go wrong and I don't know whether its a good thing or something to be worried about. However, I have to keep pressing on. I can't stay in the negative space.

I'm rambling... which means my ambien has kicked in and its timed for bed. I need a hug, a good hug. But I also realize that sometimes you have to make do with what you have. Or in my case, don't have.