Gotta hit the hospital at the crack of dawn...

I'm not a morning person. I try to be pleasant but it tends to come out as a blank look and lots of silence. I know, that's sad. But I do try... I'm telling you that so that some of you will consider praying for the hospital staff tomorrow since I have to check in at 7 am to have my port implanted.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Port-a-Cath

I was really freaked out initially when they told me that they were going to put a device in my chest so that they could give me my chemo without going through the veins in my arms. When the doctor and the nurse described what could happen to my skin and muscles if the chemo missed the vein...

I was like... "uh... check please!"

But, I've talked to a few sisters who have gone through chemo and they tell me that its pretty easy going... getting the port. I'm keeping in mind that they have already been through chemo so I'd guess that just about anything is EASY after all that... but we'll see.

Not going to post long... like I said... I have to get up at the crack of dawn. But I wanted to let you know that I'm down to just a few crying spurts now... so I definitely feel like I'm turning a corner.

Just a couple of things...

First, I am so very loved. It is hard for me to say that without getting misty but I am slowly realizing that a lot of people really care about me. Even total strangers... have shown me unexpected love throughout this madness. Example...a woman (whom I have never met) who is a friend of a work colleague has decided to do the 3 day breast cancer walk in October. She told me the other day on the phone (our second conversation) that she is walking in my honor.

Did I mention that I have never met this lady in my life? Do you know how humbling that is? It is amazing.

Another example... some of you know about or are members of, my social networking group, DC Sistagirls. Well, I found out recently that some of those wonderful women were trying to surprise me with a gift to help me get through this time. They tried to keep it a secret from me -- which is very hard to do -- but inadvertently, I found out. I cried for an hour because it was one of the sweetest gestures I have ever experienced.... I love that group so much but I don't think I really realized that they had the same love for me. I never really thought about it coming back... I just wanted to make sure that they knew that I thought they were wonderful, caring, successful women who held (collectively and individually) so much power, so much promise, and so much greatness ... that I felt it was necessary that they shared it with other women just like them.

Third example... my boyfriend is the best. The absolute best. He has taken me to every doctor's appointment -- except one. And he showed up for that one anyway. He has sat in many waiting rooms in/around GW hospital waiting on me, napping off and on... and making friendly contact with other waiting patients. He is my ray of sunshine... even when I can't shine back for him. I don't know how I would have made it without him.

Some of the people closest to me in my life, are really not taking this news well. And because of that... they aren't able to be supportive to me in a way that works for me. I know that they care, they just can't express it.

I could go on and on... about the cards I've received (that have made me smile and cry at the same time), and the phone messages, and the notes of encouragement... the stories of blessings like one recently shared with me by a great friend -- a soul stirring testimony of a sister who went through breast cancer and was told she couldn't have kids... only to make the devil a liar in the end -- and so on. I read every message -- even if I can't respond right away. Usually I can't respond because I'm so choked up emotionally... I'm just speechless.

I'm learning some lessons -- lessons that I wish I could have learned in a different way but, who am I to question God? One lesson that I'm learning... that I knew I needed help with (and will continue to need help with)... is learning to receive.

Giving is so easy for me. I give and give... it makes me feel good, it makes me feel worthy, it makes me feel strong. I won't lie. I love to give and am saddened when I can't give, for whatever reasons... It hurts my feelings to be unable to help someone out when I know that they have a need. However, accepting and receiving... is so much more difficult. It requires a different type of strength. The strength to fully realize that no matter what you have or don't have... whether you can reciprocate or not... you are worthy of being blessed.

I am worthy? Just because....

I am struggling with this one... I really am. I don't want any of you to think that I am unappreciative... I am overwhelmed with the love and the blessings that you have shared with me. Thank you seems so insufficient for the way that I feel.

Somebody cares for me. Little ol' me. Cranky, rude, obstinate... me. Somebody cares for that girl... and is unafraid to say so, to share it, to do something to make my life easier....

...tears. :)

Thank you.