The oncologist visit: Dr. Siegel and friends

I am on OVERLOAD right now. I just left my oncologist's office and man... my brain is swimming from all the information. I decided to write this entry while I was still rather numb... so that I could get out the news without too many tears.

Okay... I start chemotherapy on September 4th, 1:00 pm. There will be a total of 3 chemotherapy drugs administered to me and 1 separate drug as well (at a later time). All of these drugs will be administered intravenously.

Part one, will be two drugs

**INTERRUPTION**

I am so NOT in a good place right now. Just straight up ... I'm a little stank. I'm really gonna need for folks not to get caught up in their feelings when I say "no, I can't see you today, tomorrow, next week"... I love each of you reading this blog. I swear to God I do. I do, I do, I do!! BUT... I am really losing my mind and trying to stay calm and centered about all these changes right now.

I'm starting to feel like a monkey in a cage. Everybody wants to look at me, poke me, make me smile, etc. Is the monkey okay today? She looks upset. I can make her smile, laugh, fart... you know what?

I know.
And I can't handle it. I really can't.

It takes a lot of strength for me to keep it together and not lay in bed everyday balled up in a knot. One of the reasons I'm opting to keep working during all this is that I am deathly afraid of falling back into a depression. I want to keep as much normalcy and balance in my life as I can. That means, I'm gonna go to karaoke every week I feel strong enough to. I'm gonna visit my baby at the restaurant as much as I can -- cause his presence comforts me. But, I can't do much more than that. Lunch, dinner, movies, calls, texts, and so on; no. I can't promise you that I will respond, let alone initiate a conversation. Maybe once this gets going and I'm not grieving the loss of one breast, or the opportunity to have a child... maybe then, I'll be back to the ol' Nic who was always down for whatever at a moment's notice. But she ain't here right now.

I'm scared and tired and worried, and anxious and mad and mad and mad and mad -- did I mention that I was f*cking ANGRY???

I'm not good company right now. My mouth is straight profanity. Even more so than usual. And I'm not able to curb it to please anyone. I break out in tears in the middle of a joke... I'm just not me right now.

**END INTERRUPTION**


The first two drugs: cyclophosphamide and doxorubicin... will be given together. They will be administered every two weeks (which is 1 cycle) for 4 cycles. Then I will be given a third chemotherapy drug, I think its tamoxifen (or something like that) every 3 weeks (1 cycle) for 4 cycles. At the same time I start the last chemo drug, I will start a year long course of herceptin (I have HER2 receptors -- basically estrogen is fueling my tumors). This will be given intravenously as well every week for 1 year.

After the last chemo cycle with tamoxifen (or whatever "T" drug I'll be taking)... that's when I'll have surgery to remove my breast.

Because the cancer is in several places in my breast, there doesn't seem to be a way to preserve my breast and be assured that all the cancer will be removed. SO... I guess around the end of the year, I'll be having a mastectomy. (I am SOOOOO not feeling this part.)

Oh... and this part: all these damn drugs will likely send me into early menopause. Which means... all my damn waiting for the right guy to start a family was a waste of time. I probably won't be able to have any. Ain't that some sh*t? *sigh*

(looks like the numbness is wearing off... anger is coming on in... I'm gonna wrap this up now and get back to work)

So... looky here. Today.. me and my baby are in funky azz moods. Period. (it doesn't help that my cycle started today too... wow)

Oh, I forgot to add that since I'm going to be getting so much stuff shot up in my body... they are putting some sort of "port" device in my collarbone area... so that they can get an easy direct line to a big vein.

*sigh*

...and on top of all this, they want me to participate in some clinical trial. It seems harmless enough and it should help some folks so... I'll probably sign up... but you know...

this whole thing is really starting to get on my fcking nerves.

Sorry y'all... I had planned to be upbeat, toss out a few jokes or something... but I ain't got it right now.

If I feel something funny coming on... I'll come back and fill it in.

Til next time...

I do love you. I hope that you still love me after I cuss you out a few more times over the next year or so...

~Nic