I have been wanting to take some pictures during this process. Well, what I wanted was to go to a photographer and have some portraits taken. While I feel hideous right now, I did want some pictures to remind me of this time in my life. But my vain side wanted them to be done in the best possible way -- full makeup, lots of energy... that sort of thing. Rather model-esque, if you will.
I got half of my wish this weekend.
At brunch a couple of the ladies had their cameras and they snapped a few pictures of the group -- which included me. With my bald head and my bald face (no makeup).
Now, I see my face everyday -- just like you see yours everyday. And for the most part, I know what I look like. However, because I don't interact with many people on a regular/daily basis, I did not know what I looked like in relation to other people. Typically, the only people I see in a week are my parents, other patients at the cancer center (and most of them look bad)... and the medical staff at the cancer center.
I haven't seen myself in relation to other beautiful black women in months. And when I saw the pictures... I was mortified.
Disclaimer: I am not fishing for compliments. I promise you. I am being honest about what I saw when I looked at myself compared to healthy, normal, beautiful and made up sistas.
I looked sad and pitiful. I am pale. Sooo very pale. My eyes look sad and heavy. My eyebrows are definitely thin (compared to their normal jet black thickness). My poor little head... lol. Its so small... I mean, I suppose that I look okay to be in the midst of a battle like this. But I don't look so great to me.
Remember... it was my goal to make cancer look good. lol... I'm failing at my job.
I posted the pictures to my facebook account and many people commented that they liked the pictures, liked my smile...etc. However, I do not see what they see. Its possible that my mind has become warped and I have a distorted image of myself. It is very possible and highly likely. But I am vain -- have been for a long time. And I don't like not looking and feeling cute. Silly I suppose... but as a woman, being pretty is important to me.
I've been squeamish about wearing makeup. Very scared about putting anything on my skin right now. But I may have to change that perspective because I can't continue to go out in public looking like Uncle Fester. Its not fair to the public. They don't deserve that.
Earlier this evening, I got really sad looking at that picture of myself and reading the kind comments that people left me on facebook. I can't explain it to you but I cried for awhile... it made me really sad that I could not see myself as pretty anymore.
I will have to figure out a way to get past seeing myself as a monster. Not sure how at the moment... but I'll figure something out. I don't think that this is just a makeup issue.
Last week (maybe the week before)... I was at chemotherapy and I decided to walk down the block to grab something to eat when it was over. While waiting for my order at the Wendy's counter... a random guy (black, older) made a comment that he liked my haircut. Had I not been so tired, I would have laughed. Instead, I just looked at him like he was crazy and said thanks.
Haircut? Puh-lease!! I am bald. I'm not Grace Jones trying to make a statement or be bold. I'm going through some stuff right now and this look is what I'm stuck with. I hate it. I have gotten to a place of being comfortable about my bald head that I don't always wear my "indoor" hat when I go out in public. I do wear a winter hat because its cold outside but that's it. Basically, the hot flashes required that I get over covering my head because I was afraid for people to look at it. Hot flashes are also the reason why I don't wear wigs. I have two... they will never be worn -- well, maybe for Halloween next year. But they won't be worn while I'm going through this. I can't take the heat.
I have heard a few people say that (or something similar) they like bald on me, or its good that I wore my hair so short because it makes my baldness less shocking. I don't know how to deal with that. I do understand what they are saying but it feels totally different to me. Even though I wore my hair very very short -- it is still shocking to me that I have NO HAIR at all on my head. It still makes me wonder (when I look in the mirror) where my femininity has gone.
I think that my lesson for the week is... I need to start wearing makeup again when I go out in public. Even if it doesn't make any difference to people who know me, or random strangers on the street -- maybe it will make me feel better about myself.
I really hope it will help me not see a monster when I look in the mirror.
~Nic
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