Twas the night before chemo...

Well, its the night before chemo... again... and I'm a little anxious... again. But today was a pretty good day so I'm in a good mood. I fell asleep earlier today... so I'm awake pretty late. That's not unusual lately. I haven't been sleeping too well this past week. Averaging about 3 or maybe 4 hours of sleep each day (if I'm not taking tylenol pm) and that's usually in little 30 min - 1 hour naps.

I mentioned the insomnia to the doctor last week at my chemo session and its a side effect of the chemo. Its not one of the side effects that many people get -- something like 14% of patients suffer from insomnia. So I guess that makes me special. I hope that same ratio doesn't stick to me when it comes to me surviving this treatment. Currently, in my age bracket, 83% of breast cancer patients survive their treatment. That means that 17% don't. I don't want to be special that way.

I've been pretty moody and a little erratic this week. I'm blaming the lack of sleep for it. Though I know that's not the only reason. Probably not even the primary reason. I have been thinking about some pretty emotional stuff from my past... on purpose.

A few years ago, I started writing a novel. I had gotten pretty far along and then I was stuck. And I mean, stuck tight. I could not move that stupid story forward no matter what I tried to do. Finally, I took some advice from a writing book and put my book away. The advice was to put away whatever you're working on for awhile... just lock it up and forget about it... and then pick it up weeks, months... years later when you no longer can remember much about it and usually the distance that has grown between you and the work will allow you to see the work differently, more clearly and you will be able to fix and/or finish the story.

So... I put away my story... and actually I started a separate story about 2 years ago I think. I never liked that second story. I now want to return to the first story and finish it... but its gone. It got lost in my moving shuffle from my last apartment. I only have one short chapter -- and its not even a real chapter, its maybe half a chapter -- to work with. My heart is heavy that the story is gone. I've looked everywhere online that I can think I may have stashed some or all of it... but I can't find it at all.

Digging into my emotions from my past is scary. There's a lot of stuff that I have pushed away and forgotten because it was painful and I needed to move beyond it. Now, I need to tap into it in a controlled way so that I can put these words to paper. I think that as emotional as I've been these past few months... its about to get worse. Hopefully you won't notice that. I will try to remain balanced as I go through these next few months of treatment and surgery.

I can tell you this... trying to type with this neuropathy in my fingers is interesting. The tingling/numbness is slowing down my typing. Whereas before the neuropathy my fingers only looked like they had been bruised (the chemo has discolored my nail beds -- a deep purple)... now they feel like they have been slammed in a door too. My toes too...

I have no idea what sort of side effects I can look forward to after this session. I had thought (before I started) that the herceptin treatments would be a cakewalk... just some hormone treatment and I'm good. But its been causing more side effects than the other medication that is killing the cancer and shrinking the tumors.

Either way... I'm hoping that tomorrow goes quickly and has no reactions. But now that I am thinking about it, I think I will throw my benadryl in my bag just in case.

I hope that you're doing well this holiday season. I know that everything is scary right now... so much is unknown and changing... jobs, housing, banks... you just don't know if you're standing on firm ground or sinking sand. But my hope and prayer for all of us is that whatever we're facing... we stand firm in knowing that God has prepared us for the going through. And He is there for us to reach out to Him and hold on as we move forward. That's what gets me through these days, even when I'm crying and I'm scared -- which is actually every single day -- I keep reminding myself that God has me. And he's prepared me for this -- even if I can't see it. No matter what happens, I've been prepared for this.

Lately my tears are in preparation for my surgery. I keep wondering how I will view myself with my reconstructed breast. But I know -- even if my heart hasn't caught up yet -- I know logically that I am not my breasts. My beauty as a person and as a woman is not attached to my breasts. But I am mourning the loss -- can't lie about it. And I am definitely worried about how I will feel about myself after I get up from the operating table.

I don't meet with the plastic surgeon for another week or so. My anxiety is building slowly... which is why I'm allowing myself to feel the fear and to cry the tears so that I don't have a melt down when I go to see the plastic surgeon. I want to slowly release the emotional steam... so that it doesn't build up to epic proportions and cause some real damage.

... its really late so I'm going to lay down for a few hours before I go to the hospital. Please continue to pray for me -- I really can feel the power it is giving me. Without your prayers, I just don't know where I would be.

~Nic