Tonight is the night before my last taxol infusion. I'm excited about the last chemo (well sort of, I'll still be getting regular herceptin treatments) and I'm also freaked out. The last chemo means that in a couple of weeks, God willing, I'll be going into surgery to have my cancer removed. I keep trying to tell myself that losing my breast is secondary to getting rid of the cancer... but its not working. I keep thinking (and overthinking) about losing my breast and having a "fake" one put in its place.
I don't know how other folks handle this, or how any of you would handle this if you were me... but I feel like I'm a total and complete mess. I have cried so much this week -- I've been unable to take or return phone calls. Honestly, between you and me... this is hard. I thought that I would be feeling so much better about this by now. We're close to halfway through this thing. I have gotten comfortable with the language of cancer; how to broach the topic with strangers and old friends (not that I'm handling that all that well either); how to cope with the various and many physical changes/side effects that I go through every week... But I have not gotten comfortable with the notion of losing my breast. I'm just as angry about it now as I was back in August when I was told it was best that I have the mastectomy.
I pushed for a lumpectomy but its a no-go. I tried to be cool with that. I realize that my cancer is positioned in a way that saving my breast is not possible. I have tried to be cool with that. But now... its close to 2/3 weeks away and I'm realizing that I'm still not cool with losing a part of me.
Women undergo plastic surgery every day, willingly and at great cost to improve their looks. Women undergo plastic surgery every day, willingly and at great cost to correct a medical problem. Why can't I program my mind and my emotions... to willingly accept that this is necessary for my life? I feel like I'm being punished and I can't figure out what I've done wrong.
Keep me in your prayers... please. Its been a hard, hard week.
~Nic
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