Its been an interesting week. So far, radiation therapy is pretty boring. I hear that it will get rather painful as the days and weeks go on. We'll see. I'll say this... I am really not feeling my radiation oncologist. She lacks some personality -- and so does more than a few of her staff members. They are rather... um... arrogant. I will say this, I haven't been my normal "meet new people" perky self. Basically because I am FREAKING SICK of cancer. Stupid cancer... anyhoo before I go off on a tangent. I'm not feeling radiation at all. But eh... whatcha gonna do? Cry?
Let me tell you about my new gross experience.
Another fingernail came off last night. (shaking my head) I just don't know if I'm ever going to get used to this. And its only been 2 nails so far -- that means that I have to go through this crap 8 more times. Dang. So I was sitting in the tub -- getting my Epsom salt soak on. I was actually trying not to get my hands wet for too long because each finger is in a different level of peeling off and I was worried about getting water trapped between the nails and my naked nail bed. But I did need the finger nails to soften a bit so I could clip them down (I have to keep them clipped very close so that they don't snag on anything or scratch me). At any rate, when I was towelling dry -- I felt this pinch/tug on my right index finger. And bam! there it was... my poor little fingernail hanging on to the side of my finger. Looking right pitiful if I must say. I clipped it off and studied the finger for awhile. Like my right thumb nail, the nail underneath had only grown out to cover half of the nail bed. (shaking my head again)
All of my nails are in bad shape. Only 6 of them are so bad that they require daily/constant bandages so that I can function. I have one fingernail that is really trying to come off but the nail underneath ain't ready and its holding on to the sides of my finger rather fiercely. That sucka hurts! Man... its funny to me that I pop tylenol because my fingers hurt. I mean... seriously? Dang. Anyhoo... that's the latest gross-ness.
My peachfuzz on my scalp is still coming in. I'm excited. Its a bit patchy but shooot... I do not care. I can recall the horror I felt when I first started going to the cancer center for chemo. Looking around at the stages of baldness that some of the women were going through was frightening. I even told my girlfriend Tiffani that it would be her job to make sure that I never looked like this one patient I named "Tweety Bird". This poor lady (and she was so very nice)... had this really odd cotton-candy-ish bush on her head. It looked crazy. I mean... CA-RA-ZEEEE! Her 'fro needed some real attention. But she seemed real cool with it. I could not understand it for the life of me.
I started this journey fiercely determined not to lose myself, not to become "one of them" -- the "cancer victims". I was gonna stay fly, stay happy, stay me... no matter what.
Um... yeah.
I think that lasted through maybe 2 rounds of chemo and then suddenly I didn't have enough energy to care. I knew I wasn't looking as cute as I believe I am -- but there really was nothing I could do about it. Y'all remember how I fretted about wearing a wig? I still haven't worn one in public yet. I can only keep one on my head at home for about 1 minute. Wigs are so hot... I dunno how I'm going to make it y'all. I mean, looking at my fuzzy scalp right now, I can envision some real raggedy days ahead. I will be returning to work soon and I don't think I'll be able to tolerate the stares of strangers in the regular world. (that would be the world NOT affiliated with GW Hospital...lol)
I'll keep you posted about what I decide to do about this scalp of mine. I want to see what my hair looks like when it grows back. But I have to figure out how to keep it cute in the meantime.
Before I go... I have to share that I bought a book from http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com (well, actually 3 books) that I highly recommend to anyone going through this. The first is actually a book for breast cancer husbands (boyfriends, partners, etc.) and it is written by a man who's wife had breast cancer. I've been struggling to understand how the men in my life are dealing with my illness. I know that for my dad it is really hard. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I know that its hard for my cousins and my godbrother and really hard on my boyfriend. I know its hard for my male buddies too. I do not speak "man-language" very well at all. I can hear what they say but have no idea what they mean. So, when I was looking for books last weekend, this one really stood out for me. I just started the book and already its really interesting and helpful.
The name of the book is "Breast Cancer Husband: How to help your wife (and yourself) through diagnosis, treatment and beyond" http://www.breastcancerhusband.com/. Here's the http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com link .
If you are a guy with a wife, sister, daughter, girlfriend, etc. who has been diagnosed with breast cancer -- get this book. It is well-written, direct and to the point. Its not sappy (not a girlie book in anyway) and you may find it interesting. Now, if you're a woman with breast cancer or have a woman close to you with it -- pick up this book to understand what the men in your life are dealing with.
Its hard on them too. And while I knew that, I think that I forgot that for a little while. Its hard to have cancer. But its got to be harder to love someone with cancer. As helpless as I feel... I can only imagine that its 100x worse for the men in my life. But I'm gonna read this book this weekend and try to get a better understanding of what they are feeling (if I can) and I'll pass it on if any of the men in my life want to read this. (I suspect though, that none of them will have the time or the inclination to do so...lol)
The second book is a book of exercises and stretches and the final book is a cancer devotional. I know... seems strange. But cancer is such a common disease that two Christian women -- both cancer survivors -- decided that a book of devotions (with scriptures) was missing from the vast marketplace of books on cancer. And so far, they were right.
Praying through cancer: Set your heart free from fear by Susan Sorensen and Laura Geist
Recovering from breast surgery: exercises to strengthen your body and relieve pain
That last book is wonderful because my left arm is still not as mobile as it was prior to my surgery. I wish someone had recommended it to me BEFORE I had surgery. But, I have it now and I'll be doing my exercises to get my arm back. :)
That's it for tonight.
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