They keep drawing on me....

Well, I've had two sessions of radiation treatment so far. What can I say? Eh... they lay me down on this narrow table/bed, force my left arm up over my head in a way that ... well, hurts. And it makes me cry because I have to hold it that way for about 20-30 minutes. The pain isn't unbearable actually. But the fact that it hurts, when I know that it didn't just a few weeks ago... upsets me. They these machines rotate around me. I guess they are taking pictures or shooting light into me -- I see nothing at all so I have to trust that what they say is happening, is really happening. (its weird)

When I went to see my surgeon the other day, I mentioned the lack of mobility of my arm and he referred me to a physical therapist.

sigh...

I simply DO NOT WANT TO GO TO ONE MORE DAMN DOCTOR.

First of all... I can't even imagine when I could make it happen. I go to radiation treatment EVERY DAY in the middle of the day. Every third week, I have my herceptin infusion -- that takes about 2 hours or so. Right now, having cancer is like my full-time job. I haven't called the therapist yet because I swear I just can't imagine trying to squeeze one more damn thing on my calendar but... not being able to lift my arm above my head without wincing is not going to work.


Let's talk about some good changes...

1. The skin on the palms of my hands and the bottom of my feet has returned to his normal color. (yay!!) I no longer look like some kid colored me and failed to switch crayons. :) I just realized the other day that my palms look the way they used to. My feet aren't totally back but they are well on their way.

2. I have fuzz on my scalp. I can't really say that I have hair because it really is fuzz and you have to look really closely to even notice it. But I have FUZZ! (yay!!)

3. My tastebuds are back. I can eat whatever I want and taste all of it. I can even drink some liquor and its cool. :) (yay!)

4. My eyebrows -- well, that's interesting -- they are filling in. Its weird because my eyebrows actually held on all through my chemotherapy. They stayed in shape and looked pretty good actually. But since my fuzz started coming in -- so has some fuzz on my eyebrows and it seems to have pushed out my dark eyebrow hairs. (I'm not describing this well...) Its very faint there now -- and my natural eyebrows have no shape at all so I'm not quite sure what to do. I can't arch them yet -- not enough hair -- but they are going to look real scraggly very soon. All in all, its a good sign to see some hair growth there.

5. My scar has pretty much healed. That is also a little interesting. It looks weird and it feels weird. I have this odd lump under my arm that my surgeon says is normal but I don't quite get it. He told me to expect more changes with my breast, some changes from the natural healing process and some changes from the radiation treatments.


I can see changes in my body... and although I am still dealing with various chemotherapy side effects, like my nails falling off/lifting off my nailbeds... the small positive changes are good. My energy is better but definitely not great. I think I will have to figure out how to start exercising a little bit because I need my energy to come up very soon. I want my life back and I can't get it from my bed. :)

I'm still dropping pounds, which bothers me. Not that I can't afford to lose some weight but because now I'm afraid of losing my belly. (how's that for a hoot?) My new breast will be crafted from my belly fat (so amazing) but if I lose the belly fat then I'll probably have to get an implant. And I really don't want that. I don't have a huge appetite right now, so when I do eat, I make sure to eat high calorie foods. Lucky girl I am.



I got a copy of the pathology report from my surgery the other day and it has really given me the blues. One, I don't fully understand it. Two, the technician who completed it called my skin "wrinkled tan brown skin" which for some unknown reason has annoyed me deeply. Of course its wrinkled, its no longer on my body... ugh. Three, there's no mention of cancer anywhere on the report. And while that is a good thing, I keep having this reccuring thought that this whole cancer deal was a big mistake. So, I need to see in black and white somewhere that YES, Nicole Valencia had cancer. Well, I take that back, there is one mention on this report but that's all. And that's in my lymph nodes -- it mentions no carcinoma found.

The report mentions some large white (I think) fibrous masses in my breast tissue but it says nothing about cancer in those masses. I am assuming that those were the tumors but I don't know that they were and I don't understand why they were still there if the chemotherapy did its job. I am taking my copy of the report with me to my chemo/infusion appointment on Tuesday so I can harass my oncologist to explain to me exactly what happened in my body. I thought that when they told me that the chemotherapy shrunk my tumors that they disappeared. But if the path report shows fibrous masses, I want to know what they are.

I am still having difficulty believing that I am going through any of this. I know that may seem weird but honestly, even though I've been through so much these past few months... none of this seems real. I still feel like I'm sleepwalking, dreaming or fantasizing. I mean, I'm me... I can't have cancer. But I do. And I have the bills to prove it.

There is so much life I still want to experience and I am hopeful that once all of this is over, I can get back to it. Like buying my first house, having (or adopting a child)... maybe I'll find a husband in all of the madness too. Or maybe I'll just get a cat and try to make that work for me as a love outlet. :) I still want to go to South Africa (and maybe even look for a job there too, I dunno).


Oh!! I just realized that my subject line doesn't make sense. Haha. I have to tell you that when I'm in radiation (at least these past two times) the technicians/therapists keep drawing on me. They have used about three or four different markers on my skin... drawing lines and dots on my neck, breast, tummy... its the weirdest thing to me. I meant to ask them today if they plan to write on my body every visit. Not that it really matters I suppose, if washing off magic marker everyday is part of the process -- I suppose I'll handle that too. But wow... they keep writing on me. (gas face)

Constant, yet small indignities...


I need some flowers in my life. I think I'll order myself some roses to cheer me up.

Have a happy valentine's day everybody. I'm spending mine stretching out my arm and hoping that my mood lightens. How are you spending yours?

~Nic