being uncomfortable with vulnerability

I have trust and commitment issues.

There. Its out in the open for all to see and to comment. I've been working on it --on my perspective about love and relationships for awhile now. And until recently, I thought I had made good progress. But today, I'm back at zero -- wondering how to have faith in someone else. Faith that they understand what it means to love someone, what it means to be a family. And I'm wondering if its really possible to risk everything on loving (and marrying) someone.

Lately, all sorts of information has been coming my way and shaking my faith in love and in people. I want to get married one day, and have a family. At least in theory. But wow... marriage is a scary concept if you marry the wrong person. You could lose EVERYTHING, including your health or your kid's health.

In the best of situations, love is risky and scary. But having cancer, and having one boobie... isn't the best of situations. I would list all my ailments and issues but the specifics don't matter. What matters is that I'm a vulnerable sister right now. And I think about love a lot.

Thinking about the wedding yesterday and the faith that it takes to agree to marry someone and stick with them -- come hell or high water -- has consumed me today. Like everyone else, I know many people who are living in miserable marriages or going through traumatic divorces. My heart aches for them.

People in love seem to have an innate ability to practically cut the heart out of the person they love, if they are angry with them. No one can hurt you more than the person you love. I've been hearing some tragic stories of love gone bad. People losing their homes, finding out that their spouses are sleeping around or sleeping with prostitutes, and so forth... scary, scary stuff.

None of us are perfect. And even though our intentions aren't usually to hurt someone else, sometimes in trying to take care of self we stomp all over our loved one's feelings. I've done that and its a hurtful feeling knowing that you've hurt someone who loved you. But its worse when you're the one who has been trampled on.

In a tenuous economic time like now, and when I'm physically not at my best and somewhat reliant on other people to be at their best or at least true to their word... the notion of love is a very daunting one. I find myself questioning how anyone finds the strength to be vulnerable to another person. How do you risk losing everything in order to love and be loved by someone else?

I know there are no easy answers. And I know logically that the real answer is that you have faith. Faith in God, faith in love itself. But my heart... my heart is screaming that its just not possible. I go back to my question from a few months ago -- who's gonna love the cancer girl? And more importantly...will they be able to stand by their word and stick by my side?

I'm still thinking about Fran's death. Her husband was by her side all the way to the end. Even after he lost his job and found out that his wife's cancer had returned... he was by her side. Rubbing her feet, sitting with her at the hospital. Every day. Love like that -- love in action -- is rare.

Knowing that you are dying of breast cancer has to be devastating. But watching your wife/loved one dying of breast cancer and CHOOSING to be there anyway, every day, no matter what... that's incredible. That's strength. That's love.