my d*mn back hurts -- and i'm SICK of it

I've been trying to "play nice" and just go with the flow.

I've been trying to convince myself that this ache and this pain, in the middle of my upper back was temporary. And if I just soldiered through, it would eventually go away.

Its not going away.

Its not getting better.

And I'm very damned annoyed about it.

My typical day goes like this... wake up, feeling groggy and nauseous. (That means I took my sleeping pill and I have to suffer through the nausea) The alternative is to wake up, tired as hell because I didn't sleep all night - thanks to hot flashes and sweaty sheets/pillow cases.

Drag myself out of bed, try to stretch my stiff left arm, slightly massage my breast "nubbin" and head to the bathroom. After doing what I do in there -- included scrunch-faced inspections of my mastectomy scar and the discolored skin from radiation (that doesn't appear to be changing back like I was told it would) -- I get dressed and head to work.

Now, all of this takes about an hour or so because I move slow. Just as I get to the subway station, my back starts to hurt. At this point, I've only been up for less than 2 hours.

I make it to work, smile and shuffle around the office... do what I do over there... and then I sit at my desk. Basically, I'm on super-duper-light duty so mostly I answer phones and talk to the never-ending stream of building workers who visit our new office trying to work out the kinks and complete the decorating of our space.

So I sit. For hours. And by the time my few hours are up...

I feel like someone has wedged a damn HATCHET into my back. Every move left or right, is a twinge. When I stand up to walk, I have to brace myself because not only are my knees and hips tight now (which causes me to walk funky) my damn back hurts so badly that I just wanna lay down and curl up into a small ball.

I pop tylenol like they are mentos. And I self-talk all the way through the rest of my day. Some days are worse than others, though I haven't noticed any correlation with the weather or anything like that. (Which reminds me, I'm almost out of my handy tylenol)

Every day.

Its so damn annoying.

I've been joking with people that since I'm lopsided, my back can't handle the stress of carrying just one super-boobie. Not really sure if that's it, or if its something else. I spent a little time this morning searching the breast cancer message boards to see if any others have experienced similar pains. And of course, I am not alone in my misery.

I did find it strange the the major complainers about back pain where women who had undergone bi-lateral mastectomies. You would think that with no boobies, there would be no pain. But, that's obviously wishful thinking on my part.

The pain is prompting me to look into my reconstruction surgery options and see if I can possibly move my expected surgery date up a few months. Right now, I'm planning for October or November... but I don't think I'd be upset if I could move it up to August or September.

I'm going to try massage as an option to help with the back pain. There is a massage school in the area that offers free/reduced massages for breast cancer patients. I actually had an appointment for last week and forgot about it during my emotional meltdown. Rescheduling it was challenging because it has to be scheduled in a certain time interval around my chemotherapy.

(I mean, really, does every-damn-thing have to be this hard and this complicated? Seriously?)

At any rate... today's post is a whine and a complaint. My back hurts like hell. I'm going to keep doing what I do. Keep moving forward. But all of this drama... its for the dang birds, I tell you.



....totally unrelated though, I'm looking rather cute today. :) So, there's always that.