Drink more water... its good for you

My gracious... it has been one HOT summer in Washington, DC this year. Note to the wise:  hot flashes do not stop in the summer. (laughs)  Of course since my treatment, I've been battling hot flashes and night sweats. And let me tell you... whew lawd... they are not FUN at all. I keep a fan going at all times. Without it, I am a moist mess (and not in a good way).

But I recently realized that I was slipping in one area and the change has been almost miraculous. What did I do?

DRINK MORE WATER.

Okay, I'll be honest... I have struggled most of my life with drinking enough water. I think I'm far from unusual in this regard. And even though I've read plenty of articles about drinking enough water -- and have heard many medical practitioners tell me the same -- I still struggle with drinking enough water. Madness, I tell you.

I started experiencing a few symptoms that led me to believe that I was slightly dehydrated. I remembered what happened in the past when I was dehydrated and I ended up in the hospital strapped to an IV -- so I did what I  needed to do.

DRINK MORE WATER.

Guess what happened after just a day or so?? Everything shifted back to my new normal. My constipation eased up. My perspiration resumed (a good thing when the temperatures are hovering around 90+) and the night leg cramps stopped immediately. My head stopped hurting. Even my skin started looking a bit better and less dry. I also started drinking Gatorade too and having a daily banana.  I figured that my potassium was a little low as well -- the leg cramps were a clear sign -- so rather than run to the doctor for another prescription and more pills, I decided to try the easy solution first. I'm happy that it helped.  My back pain and spasms eased up a bit too.

My gracious... water is a wonder.  I feel really great now.

Falling down... is it a symptom of something else?

My last post was a couple of weeks ago. I apologize for the silence. I had a little accident about a week before Christmas and it has made typing a bit of a problem.

On my way to have dinner with some girlfriends, I slipped (or tripped) and fell at the subway station. (sigh) Long story short, I hurt my right arm -- I think I sprained my elbow when I fell -- and I've been trying to give it a chance to rest and heal. It is coming along, not as painful as it was. But it still hurts and the bruising is still there. I can't completely straighten the arm out and if I try to hold anything that weighs more than maybe 1 pound, I'm in trouble.

I have been resting the arm and keeping a warm heating pad on the area several times a day. It has helped significantly. But I believe that it is time (well, beyond time actually) for me to see my primary care doctor to find out whether or not its doing alright.

(more after the jump... click the READ MORE link)

Falling down scares me. I have been awkward and clumsy my entire life -- years of dance lessons and modeling aside -- so bumping into things or stumbling is not something new to me. While I love to dance (and I have a decent sense of rhythm) walking sometimes presents a true challenge for me. I learned in my late 20's that I had depth-perception issues with my eyes which probably has accounted for the clumsiness most of my life. However, I rarely let my natural clumsiness keep me from feeling good about myself.  It was just part of who I am. So, fast forward to my early days of breast cancer treatment when my clumsiness took an entirely new twist.

Chemotherapy makes you weak. It makes you tired. It makes you pretty fragile. And for Nicole, it heightened my inability to walk upright and smoothly without falling down. Sadly, I was so accustomed to being slightly awkward and clumsy that I didn't realize at first that my falling down (and sometimes falling out) was a problem until I ended up in the hospital a couple of times.

I'm well past chemotherapy and with God's help, I pray that I never ever have to have it again in my life. I'm not as weak and frail now as I was then but it seems that the enhanced clumsiness is still with me. When I fell down at the metro station, I was embarrassed but mostly I was confused.

It was a clear evening. There wasn't anything slick or slippery on the platform that I noticed. And yet, just a few feet from the steps I landed face first on the cold floor for no apparent reason. A few very kind people stopped to help me and one gentleman swore up and down that I slipped on a wet spot on the floor. But to my recollection, there wasn't any wetness anywhere near where I fell. I just ended up on my face. I don't know why. That scares me a little. Okay. It scares me a lot.

I move around by myself a lot. Like everyone else, I have things to do and places to go. Falling down for no apparent reason is not a good sign for me. It makes me timid to head out alone but that's how I live my life. When I need to do something, I get up and go get it done. At least I used to be that way. Now, I find myself turning down invitations to do things, or taking a long time to convince myself that I can go places... because I have this fear of falling down. Its irrational but its there.

My oncologist could not tell me why I fell down when I was in chemotherapy. But he seemed concerned at the time. I really wasn't then but now, I'm wondering whether my falling has something to do with something else. Is it a symptom of something that I'm unaware of? Its just weird.

There are some health issues that have falling (or the loss of balance) as a symptom. Since I've been experiencing back pain intermittently for months now and my doctor has noticed that I do have arthritis in my back... I think that its time for me to consider having someone check out whether or not there is a problem that I need to work on.

lymphedema concerns

Ever since I learned that having a radical mastectomy put me at risk for lymphedema, I've been a bit anxious about it. Lymphedema is a condition where an affected limb becomes swollen because the tissue collects fluid. A radical mastectomy means that not only do you lose the breast but you also lose some lymph nodes as well. Arm lymphedema
And that loss could result in swelling and problems down the line.

I've been watching my left arm closely. Although I was told that if I were to get lymphedema it would likely be years from now... that does not stop me from being concerned. Given that my left arm is still weaker than my right, I am becoming paranoid.

I know. I need to really give myself a damn break. (laughs) But I can't. Not yet.

Like I said, I've been watching this arm closely and I've begun to notice a very very slight swelling. At first, I thought I was tripping. But there are some changes to that arm. Slight for now, but I'm wondering whether or not it has anything to do with my back pain.

Always something...

Lymphedema is a chronic condition which means that unless I can figure out a way to head it off before it starts, I will be managing it for the rest of my life.

let's talk about cancer and money

As I type this, laying flat on my back with a heat pack on my neck/back... I am thinking about all the other devastating ways that cancer ruins lives. I just read a financial blog posting about bankruptcy   and cancer and it forced me to think.

Its not enough to have a disease that could kill you, and its not enough to have treatments for the disease that make you feel like you're dying... cancer rips apart relationships by putting more strain on them than they can handle. Cancer also wrecks your financial future because the cost of treatment is enormous. If you're fortunate enough to have insurance through your job, the hit may be minimal. If you're not so lucky, or if you have to supplement your insurance with state/federal assistance... not only will you have to suck up your pride and grow some patience to get through the madness... you will be stuck with huge HUGE medical bills.

The number 1 reason for bankruptcy in this country is CANCER-related medical bills. At my last chemotherapy session, there was a gentleman sitting beside me who was paying for his treatment himself. I overheard the administrator talking to him about it when he asked how much his treatment cost for that day. I nearly fainted when she said that the total was over $16,000! For one day of treatment, almost twenty thousand dollars. Keeping in mind, depending on your cancer treatment you may need anywhere from 4 infusions to 20. Can you imagine? He asked about discounts for different things but he didn't qualify for any reduced prices because he wasn't using insurance. While insurance is helpful for all of us with it, insurance pays a reduced rate for the procedures, medications and treatments. For example, my chemotherapy infusions cost my insurance company $5000 each treatment. (just the infusion) Whereas this gentleman was going to pay triple that amount. Assuming that we were receiving similar treatments (from a financial perspective)... that's a drastic difference.

I don't know how they (the man and his wife) paid. He seemed stoic and calm when the administrator was talking to him. The wife seemed much more nervous. I wasn't involved and I wanted to cry.

And that's just treatment. The other things that people don't tell you about is that once you find out that you have cancer, you need to change your entire life basically. What you eat, what you drink, what you bathe with... what lotions you use, what you use on your teeth... depending on where your cancer is... your clothing is different, maybe your teeth are affected and so on. EVERYTHING is different after the day you learn that you have cancer.

I'm going to talk about something really "silly" but important for me. Bras. As many of you know, before cancer I was spending a small fortune on my lingerie because my breasts were much larger than average. And since I'm a girl who fully appreciates and expects luxury... I bought the best and prettiest lingerie I could find in my size. That meant that while many sisters were scooping up deals at Victoria Secret's for $20 or less for a bra, Nicole was spending $100+ for one bra. I bitched and moaned about it to myself but it was my reality so I accepted it.

Fast forward to now. I can't wear the bras I used to wear. Not because of the size - I have a prosthesis that I could put into the regular bra to wear. But because of the underwire. Bras created for larger-breasted women almost always have underwire in them to provide support. I've been told that there are bras for larger breasts without underwire - though honestly, I haven't seen any yet.

I cannot wear underwire because its too constricting for my chest. Since the surgery, some of my chest area is numb. Underwire could rub, chafe and eventually cut my skin in my breast area because the skin there is still very fragile and sensitive. And numb. So I wouldn't feel the destruction taking place. My doctors -- each of them -- have warned me repeatedly not to wear underwire bras. So, I have beautiful lacy items that I may never get to use again. Waste of money. And int he meantime, I need to find new items to wear that fit well and appeal to my sense of style.

Drama. Its not just finding bras and then paying whatever price they cost just to have them. Its finding a massage therapist who knows how to work with cancer patients to assist in helping me to get my body back. Its finding a physical therapist to work with, to get my range of motion back. Its keeping lots of suncreen (spf 70) and bug spray around to protect my skin. Suncreen to protect my very fragile skin. And bug spray because the slightest infection in the arm that was affected by my surgery could trigger lymphodema.

And it goes on and on.

Yesterday I talked about my back pain and how its driving me crazy. It is. And I continue to push myself because I want as much of my life back as I can get. I hung out yesterday and am paying for it today. I knew when I decided to hang out that I was making a choice but I needed the time I spent with my friends, so I hoped that my back wouldn't protest too much.

Eh. Its hurting something serious today but I will force myself to get moving soon. I just want to feel like it won't get really worse today.

But all of that to say... it costs to be sick. Beyond the active treatment of your disease, there are considerations about your lifestyle that you have to consider.

So... when you talk to someone that you know is dealing with an illness, if you're in a position to help them -- buy a cup of coffee, or something like that -- pass that kindness along. Although we're all feeling the pinch in this recession, the pinch isn't the same for everyone.

I've been reading and researching diet changes and I don't know how I will afford to eat the way that so many people believe is best to keep my chances of cancer recurrence low. Whole foods, organic produce, etc. cost a lot of money. Juicing daily, though good for you, gets expensive. The herbal supplements and such... are not cheap. But it is a balancing act, where somethings go up in the budget, other things will have to come down. And some dreams may have to be washed away.

I haven't figured out what I will leave behind in order to make these other things happen. But something will. It has to. I am single with no children. I've read horror stories about women with breast cancer whose husbands left, leaving them alone, sick, scared and broke trying to raise healthy kids in the meantime. Some women have lost their homes, trying to be treated for breast cancer. I know that I've been bitter and angry about my relationship ending... but I do feel blessed that at least we weren't married and then broke up. As much as my heart has been broken, my finances were not affected by the dissolution of the relationship. Not to be callous, but that's a huge relief - I'm sure for both of us.

Thinking about planning for retirement while paying medical bills and adjusting to higher living costs... is where my head is right now. Having fun, squeezing it in when and where I can, is priority for me right now. When I close my eyes and think about the ways that my life is different today from a year ago, there is still a lot of anger there. But its not as much as was there 6 months ago. And 6 months from now, I pray that it will be even less.

It is a good day. :)

my d*mn back hurts -- and i'm SICK of it

I've been trying to "play nice" and just go with the flow.

I've been trying to convince myself that this ache and this pain, in the middle of my upper back was temporary. And if I just soldiered through, it would eventually go away.

Its not going away.

Its not getting better.

And I'm very damned annoyed about it.

My typical day goes like this... wake up, feeling groggy and nauseous. (That means I took my sleeping pill and I have to suffer through the nausea) The alternative is to wake up, tired as hell because I didn't sleep all night - thanks to hot flashes and sweaty sheets/pillow cases.

Drag myself out of bed, try to stretch my stiff left arm, slightly massage my breast "nubbin" and head to the bathroom. After doing what I do in there -- included scrunch-faced inspections of my mastectomy scar and the discolored skin from radiation (that doesn't appear to be changing back like I was told it would) -- I get dressed and head to work.

Now, all of this takes about an hour or so because I move slow. Just as I get to the subway station, my back starts to hurt. At this point, I've only been up for less than 2 hours.

I make it to work, smile and shuffle around the office... do what I do over there... and then I sit at my desk. Basically, I'm on super-duper-light duty so mostly I answer phones and talk to the never-ending stream of building workers who visit our new office trying to work out the kinks and complete the decorating of our space.

So I sit. For hours. And by the time my few hours are up...

I feel like someone has wedged a damn HATCHET into my back. Every move left or right, is a twinge. When I stand up to walk, I have to brace myself because not only are my knees and hips tight now (which causes me to walk funky) my damn back hurts so badly that I just wanna lay down and curl up into a small ball.

I pop tylenol like they are mentos. And I self-talk all the way through the rest of my day. Some days are worse than others, though I haven't noticed any correlation with the weather or anything like that. (Which reminds me, I'm almost out of my handy tylenol)

Every day.

Its so damn annoying.

I've been joking with people that since I'm lopsided, my back can't handle the stress of carrying just one super-boobie. Not really sure if that's it, or if its something else. I spent a little time this morning searching the breast cancer message boards to see if any others have experienced similar pains. And of course, I am not alone in my misery.

I did find it strange the the major complainers about back pain where women who had undergone bi-lateral mastectomies. You would think that with no boobies, there would be no pain. But, that's obviously wishful thinking on my part.

The pain is prompting me to look into my reconstruction surgery options and see if I can possibly move my expected surgery date up a few months. Right now, I'm planning for October or November... but I don't think I'd be upset if I could move it up to August or September.

I'm going to try massage as an option to help with the back pain. There is a massage school in the area that offers free/reduced massages for breast cancer patients. I actually had an appointment for last week and forgot about it during my emotional meltdown. Rescheduling it was challenging because it has to be scheduled in a certain time interval around my chemotherapy.

(I mean, really, does every-damn-thing have to be this hard and this complicated? Seriously?)

At any rate... today's post is a whine and a complaint. My back hurts like hell. I'm going to keep doing what I do. Keep moving forward. But all of this drama... its for the dang birds, I tell you.



....totally unrelated though, I'm looking rather cute today. :) So, there's always that.