Today is Valentine's day. And while it isn't a big deal for a lot of people... there are some of us for whom Valentine's Day is the ultimate in excitement and joy. A holiday dedicated to the joy of love, being love and showing love -- fabulous! I don't understand why people don't like or appreciate the opportunity to show love... but eh. Some do and that's their right, I guess... so we're going to go with that. But for the record, that is NOT Nicole. I love Valentine's day. Always have. Used to look forward to those days at school when you made your little mailbox for your desk and then you got a little sappy valentine card from every kid in your class. Even the ones you didn't like. I lived for those moments. I used to drive my mom crazy to make sure I had the best valentine's cards to give away.
I've always been a sucker for love.
I still have the card that my high school boyfriend gave me for Valentine's day when we were dating. (that was a long, LONG time ago!) He was a sweet guy and I haven't looked at that card in many years, but tonight it popped into my mind while I thought about Valentine's day, being alone and dealing with breast cancer.
Breast cancer most often strikes women in their later years. Usually, a woman dealing with breast cancer has been married for some time and has had her children. She typically has a support system around her. However, this isn't always the case. We know that breast cancer can affect younger women who may not have reached these milestones in life. It also strikes older women who may have lost their spouse due to death or divorce and whose children are grown and no longer home. These women at both ends of the age spectrum face the daunting task of handling a debilitating disease alone. That in and of itself, is difficult.
Dealing with cancer can be very isolating for the patient/survivor. You feel that people who have not gone through what you're dealing with may be unable to understand the depth of your emotions and your concerns. So, you may keep your real thoughts to yourself. You don't want to scare people unnecessarily with your "stuff".
When it strikes a woman who doesn't have a spouse or a partner, it can be a particularly lonely burden to deal with. Think about it. You're dealing with life or death issues, you're dealing with the loss of your self-image, you're dealing with the loss of a part of your body that is also a part of your sexuality. You lose who you are and the person you become after your treatment is typically different from the woman you were before. (This doesn't happen for every breast cancer patient/survivor but some of us do struggle with body image issues) Its hard.
After dealing with all of that, some well-intentioned person says to you... "you should be happy to be alive". Or even worse, you may think those words about yourself. Just lucky to be alive. I know I've said many times that I was just happy to be alive when someone inquired about my health. But the truth of the matter is that while I am happy to be alive... it really isn't a fair thing to say to someone or to feel about yourself.
Too limiting, right? So because I have a chronic illness the best I should hope for is to simply exist? To only survive? Is that what you wish for yourself? I certainly hope not. That can't be all there is to life. That cannot be the reason why you struggle and pray and cry and hold on to the hope that one day all of this will be behind you. More than survival, I want to live. And live WELL. Superbly well in fact. I want to be loved and to love someone in return -- real, deep and fulfilling love. I want that. And from what I've read lately, there are a lot of other people dealing with this illness who have the same fears and concerns and desires that I do.
Its a shame that breast cancer makes you feel like less than a woman sometimes.
Valentine's day is here. I don't have a valentine. That makes me a little sad. But I have hope for the future. A year ago, I was bald, pale and weak from chemotherapy and mastectomy surgery. I was afraid because I started my radiation treatment in February and I had no idea what to expect. And I was alone. My relationship was crumbling apart and I didn't know what to do to make it better. I tried to be strong and keep a brave face so that the people in my life didn't worry any more than necessary... but I was a crumbling mess last year.
This year, I'm much stronger, much happier... though still alone. After reading some of the posts that my pink ribbon sisters have shared... I realize that there are a lot of women who will be spending a lonely Valentine's day this year. And while I know that a lot of people don't particularly care of Valentine's day... I think that showing love -- either to yourself, or to someone you know and care about -- is a small gesture that may have immeasurable rewards.
Somewhere there is a woman (or a man) weak from cancer treatment, tired, scared and feeling alone and unlovable. To that person... I say...
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! You are beautiful and wonderful and the world is a better place because you're here. Hold on... it will be better soon enough. I promise.
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