things i wish i had thought about/planned for before 40

My birthday is coming. Its not for a few months so you have time to prepare your good wishes. But as I've been planning my celebrations (yes, multiple... I LOVE my birthday), I've also been thinking a lot about my life and what's in store for me.

I've always been smart but not necessarily quick. Meaning, repetition is really my friend. I have to hear/see/do something a lot of times before it really sinks in. I would call that slow... (laughs) but, its not really that. I just don't believe everything at first blush. Experience has been my biggest teacher and though I've fallen on my butt more than a few times, I still do dumb things because sometimes I just feel like it. But this post isn't about that. Well, not entirely.

I will be 41 on my next birthday. Shhh.... you won't hear me say that again. If you ask, I'm going to be 28, again. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oohhh... got off track... okay.

At this point, of course, I can look back and see a lot of life that I've lived and a lot of mistakes I have made. Those are good things. I can also look back and see where I didn't quite do some of the things I probably should have, or didn't pay attention to things that ended up being important. And while I know that hindsight is 20/20... I thought I'd do a little countdown of the

Top Ten Things I wish I had thought about or planned for before I turned 40.

1. I wish I had really given thought to the fact that fertility is for a limited time. Real basic concept, right? Though I knew this logically, I didn't think about it in a serious way until it was late. The years that I should have been thinking about having kids, I was really trying hard NOT to have kids. No regrets -- and no pictures either. :)
2. I wish that I had focused more on my desire to be a writer. I LOVE writing. Absolutely, positively... few things bring me more joy than just tapping away on my keyboard or jotting something down in my journal. Unfortunately, my freshman year of college I was DEEPLY DISTURBED by the expected salaries of writers and journalists and chose to focus my skills in other areas. That was a bad move on my part. My soul is the soul of an artist and I absolutely detest working in corporate environments. Follow your joy...
3. I wish that I had found a way to become more athletic. Weird right? I'm not competitive but I think I would have gained a lot by doing some team sports and also by learning to incorporate physical activity into my life on a regular basis. Though I can't see myself as a credible addition to anyone's sports team, I could have been a lovely dancer. Dancing made me very happy.
4. I wish that I had really understood how much courage it took for _____ to ask me to marry him. (You know I won't mention any names...) I wasn't ready for what I thought marriage was, but the fact that he considered me is an honor that I think about all the time. I hate that when we ended, I don't think he really knew how much he meant or how much it meant to me that he wanted me to be his wife.
5. I wish that I knew that I could trust my parents with my secrets. Something happened to me when I was a kid that I never told anyone until I was 35. Holding that secret for all that time changed who I was deep down on the inside. And when it finally came out, it changed everything all over again. Secrets = sickness. Let it go.
6. I wish that I was comfortable being the pretty one. I was the awkward kid for so long that when I finally emerged as the pretty girl, I couldn't see her. Do you know how many opportunities I passed up because I didn't believe that I looked good enough to even try? Ugh. I AM beautiful.
7. I wish that I had not flunked out of college. Yes -- I am admitting one of my biggest failures. I flunked out of the University of Maryland because I was overwhelmed, scared and not prepared for that level of work. I am glad that I eventually went back to school (and ended up choosing a different college that was a better fit) but I wish that I had found a way to make it through UMCP.
8. I wish that I had never messed up my credit when I was in college. WOW... this is a big one. I want to blame my bad financial habits on those predatory credit card companies who used to stage all around the student union. While they played a part in my misery, it wasn't all their fault. Had I had sound understanding of basic budgetary concepts, I probably would not have fallen behind the 8-ball in my 20's. (Note to self: when you're paying credit card bills for meals, clothing and entertainment costs for your trifling boyfriend YEARS after that sucka is gone... you need a new plan) Stay on top of your credit, live beneath your means and save, save, save.
9. I wish that I truly realized how fragile good health is. One of my favorite lines from my favorite movie (Its a wonderful life) is ... "youth is wasted on the young...". When you're young and healthy, you think that it will always be that way and that it is that way for everyone. Neither is true. Breast cancer has changed my paradigm forever. Stay healthy, eat well, get enough sleep, drink lots of water. And not a lot of alcohol. (laughs) And do your monthly breast self-exams. Its important.
10. I wish that I stopped making excuses for why I couldn't move overseas, or to another state, or quit a job I hated... or anything that I wanted to do and decided it wasn't the right thing to do. Who cares? Being single and child-free has to have some benefit, right? I should be living in a small house in Africa RIGHT NOW... looking at my passport with stamps and visas from a million places. Instead, my passport is clean and I'm sitting at home. Whatever it is you're hesitating to do... make a plan, and make it happen. Go!

I could go on... but really, there's no reason to. Though I wish I had thought these things through and done things a little different, I am cool with my life. Even the breast cancer portion of the program.

Finally, the training wheels are coming OFF this ride. :)