Back at the cancer center for a few hours

Today was my follow-up visit with my oncologist. The appointment that had to be rescheduled because the other appointment was cancelled and I wasn’t aware of it.

 

A few things happened that surprised me. One, I weigh a bit more than I thought I did. So, I need to get my workout and diet game in order – and quickly. Two, life really does move on. Noticing how different some of the nurses looked from the last time that I saw them – one had longer hair, another was 8 months pregnant – sort of startled me. Three, I was in a happy place emotionally when I was in the reception area but as soon as I went back to the area where the chemo is administered, I became very overwhelmed and sad. Very, very teary. I didn’t expect to have that reaction.

 

I received my last herceptin drip in November of 2009. I finished my ACT chemotherapy in December 2008. But I still have my medi-port implanted in my chest. I had to go back to the infusion area so that the oncology nurses could access my port for the blood that had to be drawn for the necessary tests. Another thought that passed my mind – I was a serious CHAMP when I was taking those needles to my chest back in the day because OOOOH LAWD that hurt. I guess you don’t realize what strength you have or that you use until you realize that you’re out of practice with it.

 

A lot of time has passed since I stopped going to the cancer center on a regular basis. For awhile, it became a place of comfort for me. I knew everyone there, and they knew me. I had lots of giggles and hugs when I was there. But going back this morning reminded me just how far I’ve come. And just how painful that time really was. Even though I cried a lot during that time, I still hid a lot of my pain from myself and from others. Today, I realized just how painful and scary that time was for me. And how much I am really not trying to ever, ever go back there again.

 

I cannot determine whether breast cancer will creep back into my body. I don’t know whether I will be one of the fortunate ones who manages to live a long life beyond breast cancer or whether my time will be shortened by a recurrence. What I do know is that somebody has to find a cure for cancer. And soon. Too many people are losing too much of their lives because of it.