Since being treated for cancer is such a head trip... I figure that anything that you can put a label on to explain why you're trippy, unfocused and generally not sharp isn't a bad thing. It can only help, right? As I've done with every new word, condition, test, and drug that I've been introduced to on this journey... I took to the internet to find more information about chemo brain and what could be done about it.
There's a bit of information out there, but none of it seems definitive and that worries me.
In retrospect, I don't think I really took the notion of chemo brain too seriously. I have a million things on my mind -- just like everybody else. I have a million things I need to do, to plan for, and to prepare for -- just like everybody else. The fact that I have difficult focusing, that I require (and give myself) far too much time to mentally unwind doing bs -- well, I've been chalking that up to a real slacker mentality. (laughs)
But today at work -- as I was berated by a colleague for not finishing a task and not understanding it well enough -- I realized that I might be falling into deep waters, and uncharted territory for Nicole.
I am tired. I say this all the time and I don't necessarily mean a physical fatigue (though that is a part of my problem many times)... I mean a serious mental tiredness that I just can't seem to shake. I feel like no matter how hard I try to keep up, to remember things, to stay on task... I fall short. I forget important details. I get derailed and side-tracked.
Sigh. It is annoying and frustrating. It doesn't help that when I'm at work, I wish I was anywhere but there. Usually, my dreams include a sunny beach and warm ocean water. But really, anywhere other than where I am most of the day is where my mind goes.
Do I have chemo brain? I don't know. I could very well just be a lazy slacker who can't get her head into the game anymore. Or maybe my dissatisfaction with my job is translating into a subconscious refusal to be of good use. (that seems really crazy though) I sort of feel the same fogginess I felt when I struggled with clinical depression some years ago. I don't feel the despair that went with it though.
In reading about other cancer patients who have struggled with chemo brain, I am left feeling a bit distraught. There doesn't seem to be any effective cures out there. And a lot of people who have struggled with this "fogginess" have ended up leaving their jobs. I simply cannot afford to do that. (Unless I hit the powerball this weekend for millions of dollars) I did notice on one website something slightly encouraging -- a few patients have said that they felt better after a few months on anti-depressants. I am not excited about the prospect of taking anti-depressants again (they do a real JOB on your sex drive and I'm digging my sexy swagger these days). But I really do have to do something.
Sigh. Another thing to think about, worry about and wish I could turn back time to escape. Guess its time to call the therapist and work through some stuff. (I'm going to check out the book in the link below -- the cover is up top--maybe they found some answers to this crazy issue)
Your Brain after Chemo: A Practical Guide to Lifting the Fog and Getting Back Your Focus
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