Do you think about breast cancer every day?

Someone asked the question on facebook whether a day went by when you didn't think about breast cancer. My answer was no.

While I may not look like the sister in this photograph (one breast,  and one large mastectomy scar, with a visible port and a bald head from chemo)... I still SEE that sister when I look in the mirror. I still feel like that sister when something aches or bothers me and I wonder whether it is a side effect of the cancer or the treatment or the surgeries... of if its a sign of old age, lack of movement, or laziness. When I question my lack of appetite because I'm not sure if I'm not hungry because I'm sick or something... or I'm so overly concerned with losing weight that I refuse to eat many days. Radiation therapy caused my body to swell and puff in ways I didn't expect. My weight has fluctuated so much over the past two years, that I constantly worry about how I look now. The last thing I want to do is to appear sick -- in any way -- to other people.

Because I write this blog and constantly talk about my experiences... breast cancer is always near the forefront of my thoughts. But, not in the same way as two years ago. Or even one year ago. Coming to the end of the treatment does have its benefits, including being able to feel joy even when you still carry the ghost of breast cancer in your heart.

One of my absolute FAV-O-RITE breast cancer survivors recently stated that she isn't afraid of anything because the scariest thing to her was learning that she had breast cancer. Once she defeated that beast, she became invincible. That kind of strength in spirit is inspiring to me. I cannot say that I don't have fears. I do. Everyday. But I push through them...because I realize that they won't kill me. If breast cancer didn't do that then surely bill collectors won't drive me there either. (laughs) Or my pitiful dating life. (which by the way is looking up these days...)

All that to say... it doesn't ever go away. The thoughts don't. But you can still live with them and still function... and still blossom.