unexpected emotions around the return of my menstrual cycle

I tell you... every day is an experience on this journey. All of the constant introspection is crazy... I know... but if I don't focus on what's going on inside of myself, I'm worried that I may miss something and end up in a place I'm not really trying to be.

So... after wondering and wishing for over a year for my cycle to come back... imagine my surprise when I realized that I was a bit emotional about the actual return of my menstrual cycle.

Maybe it was PMS or something else biologically related to the actual menses... but I really had a lot of moments where I was sad, disappointed and all around just not happy. I think part of it was that I felt uncomfortable. I had forgotten what cramps felt like. I had forgotten how yucky you feel when you're dealing with that time of the month. I simply had forgotten a lot of the details about the whole experience. And it came back with a vengence... so I was FULLY reminded that it is not a good feeling. Even though it is for a good reason.

It is difficult to describe -- without going into far too much detail -- but I just was miserable for most of the weekend. Physically not feeling well between the cold issues and the menstrual cycle stuff... and emotionally feeling a lot of turmoil that I wasn't expecting either. I still haven't pinpointed exactly what I was upset about... maybe the thought of being able to conceive and still having to deal with the fact that I'm alone. Maybe the fear that I won't find anyone to take advantage of this return with. Maybe the fear that even though my cycle returned, its possible that my fertility did not. I truly don't know. I thought about all these things and lots of other things too... but I shrugged it off and just accepted that one part of the journey has come full circle.

I am more like I was before... and that by itself is amazing and scary at the same time. Its strange... I just have to remain calm and not get too caught up in trying to force things to happen... or trying to force relationships to take place that probably should not. (sigh)  I am grateful that I have decided not to date for awhile... this change puts a lot of pressure on my mind and I need to come to an understanding with myself that no matter what I may think I want, things will unfold the way that they are supposed to.