Learning to forgive and move on

I like to pride myself on the belief that my time in therapy helped me to become a more grounded woman. I know that emotions are neither good nor bad and that they don't have to be suppressed in order for me to survive. There was a time when I felt that showing emotions or feeling emotions was too difficult and I would stuff them down and pretend I felt okay until I really believed that I felt ok.

It worked for awhile. But, it didn't work forever. I learned in therapy that it is okay for me to feel pain, to be sad, to be happy, to be proud... all of that. It is entirely acceptable because I am human and what makes me human is that I can feel and express emotions.

One area that I still require work in is romantic relationships. I'm not good at expressing myself. It frustrates me to no end that I am so hard on myself and so timid when it comes to letting a man that I love and care for know that I love and care for him. It also frustrates me that I often feel unworthy of telling someone that I love and am in relationship with that they've hurt me in some way... What tends to happen is that I stuff away the feelings of pain and move on as though I was never hurt by them. I shrug it off. I keep it moving. And while that keeps me moving... it isn't healthy and it doesn't actually allow me to progress as much or as fast as I tend to think it does.

In the course of my research on breast cancer issues, I've run across a few articles that discuss the possibility of the suppression of your emotions leading to or contributing to having breast cancer. It seems that it was a prevailing thought in the 1500's in China and it hasn't completely left the consideration of healing for this illness for some in Chinese medicine. There haven't been many (or any) studies conducted on this theory lately but since I do believe that in a lot of ways the ancient ways of looking at life are still applicable... I've given this idea a lot of thought over the two and a half years since my diagnosis. Emotional issues, stress and anxiety do a lot of harm to your immune system and to your overall health. So, while it may seem a little spacey to think that the way you handle or mis-handle your emotions could affect your probability to get cancer... I do believe that there is some validity to remaining very open and honest with yourself and your emotions.

I've been dating since college (I couldn't really date in high school) and while I've gotten better at it, there were a lot of years when I simply had no damn idea what I was doing. I allowed my fear of being alone or being unlovable to dictate what I dealt with in relationships. I was scared of being alone and it showed. I'm telling you all of this because I was contacted by an old boyfriend yesterday and it totally blew my mind. I have not seen or talked to this guy in probably 15 years.  Our relationship ended really badly. And I was deeply hurt when we broke up. It took me a long time to put that relationship behind me and I felt that I had until he contacted me. Once again, Facebook is a wonder. Just seeing his name caused me some anxiety. And while we chatted for about 20 minutes or so... I could feel the anger and the bitterness climbing up my chest. My stomach was churning, my eyes were watering and I was sooo angry and sad. But grateful that I was on a computer and not on the phone or in person because I would not have been able to hide my emotions as well as I did.

He apologized for the past. He explained what he had been through over the years and how he was doing. (He's married now and seems very happy and balanced) I didn't want to accept the apology. I don't mean that I rejected his apology in a rude or dismissive way. I diminished the thought that there was even a need for him to apologize. I pretended as though it did not even bother me at all. I am grateful that he was mature enough to apologize anyway and not allow me to take that moment from both os us.  I was challenged by the notion that he had matured and mellowed to the point where he could say he was sorry for something that happened practically 20 years ago. 

My reactions after our conversation bothered me for a long time. It hit me after I was stewing about it for about 4 hours that it is this kind of reaction to bad news or the emergence of old unsettled emotions that could very likely have had some a negative impact on my body and made me susceptible to breast cancer or affected my immune system. And while I'm not looking for ways to blame myself for this disease... I am looking for ways to overcome whatever negative behaviors that I have (or had) that could have contributed to it. (I hope that makes sense) Its time to move on.

I had to stop and pray for a long time. I had to close my eyes and just try to calm myself for awhile because I had completely pushed away those emotions but never really dealt with the way that I felt then. And since he apologized, it was time for me to acknowledge that hurt and that pain and then let it go. The pain was deep and it surprised me. I never would have guessed that it was lurking in my heart and my spirit. But there it was... ready to bite me like a snake.

Forgiveness is one of those things that we think we know what it is and how it works... until we have to face something really hard and large and impactful. And then you realize just how much more difficult it is to practice than to theorize about. Forgiveness is simple and yet difficult. Now, here's the tricky part. I don't begrudge him moving on with his life and finding happiness wherever he's found it.  I really don't. This isn't a jealousy issue at all. It is an issue about being hurt by someone who once meant a lot to me. Remembering all the days/nights/weeks/months of questioning myself about what went wrong. But the truth is that all these years later... none of that really matters. What matters is that I was hurt and I am guessing that on some level he was hurt too. And so two hurt young people, hurt each other and then walked away from the aftermath as though it never happened.

I want to be big enough to say... I accept your apology and I forgive you for hurting me back then. But honestly, I'm not quite there yet. I'm close but if I were to say it today, it would not be sincere. Knowing that forgiveness benefits me more than the other person makes it a worthwhile mission to pursue.  I want to forgive him and release that hurt. Realizing that I have a lot of pain buried in my heart that I wasn't really aware of is scary. But I am learning to forgive so that I can move on.

I am also accepting that I am worthy of forgiveness for the ways that I have wronged others in my lifetime. If I can ask and expect forgiveness from someone that I've hurt, then I should be able to give and acknowledge forgiveness to someone who has hurt me and then said with all honesty that they were sorry that they did what they did. We all are worthy of that much.

Anything that I can do that will help me reduce the chances of this cancer coming back into my body... is worth the work and the effort to learn how to manage. It may or may not be true but I will err on the side of caution and just let go of these buried negative emotions. Its just not worth it to jeopardize my health any more.