Time for a detox

You know what I'm learning? Or rather... what keeps getting hammered into my head? This "life after breast cancer treatment" is a trip. I don't know why it is so hard for me to know this or to accept that. But... as I've been told all my life... a hard head makes a soft behind. My tuckus is feeling mighty tender at the moment.

Right now, I'm realizing that I have fallen off. Completely and totally off. Now, I've been all gung ho about not putting certain things on my skin. I'm so worried about chemicals in my lotion and what might be lurking in my lip gloss that I have been TOTALLY slipping about what I put inside my body. Man... your girl has been slipping and tripping. I'm talking... all the way around just #FAIL.

I'm back on sugar. Yes. White sugar. The great evil. Yep. I've been drinking sodas, tossing back liquor like I'm in need of a meeting. I even... (and don't tell nobody this one).. I even smoked a cigar the other week. Now, to be fair to myself, I did not smoke the whole thing. I smoked maybe about a quarter of it. But still. I. Smoked. A. Cigar.

What in the hell? Ugh. Sometimes I am simply the damn worst. I've been eating white bread, candy, and more. I fell off the wagon with my daily runs. I'm just fat-girl-lazy right now. No real excuses. I mean, I could say a lot of bullshit reasons why I've been slipping but at the end of the day, they mean nothing. Especially when I KNOW better. When I know that its not just about vanity. That it is beyond just trying to be cute in my clothes. This is truly about my health. And I've been failing on me.

What a loser. (laughs)  But... a new season means its time for a detox. And I need more than just an internal cleansing. I need a mind cleansing. I need my soul scrubbed. I'm wilding out and it doesn't make sense. But then it does. I will act out (like many others do) when I feel overwhelmed and under pressure. I'm feeling a lot of pressure and I'm carrying a lot of fear in my heart. So to soothe myself... I do little things that make me feel better. But ultimately its to my detriment because having gone through breast cancer treatment I know that my body deserves the best treatment I can give it. The best food. Organic foods. Limited sugar intake. No sodas. Lots of water. Regular exercise.

Sigh. When did life get so complicated?

My birthday is in a few weeks and I need to start a new year with a new attitude -- and a cleansed body. So, its time for a detox. Spring is a season of rebirth and renewal and those themes have been ones that have provided me with long-standing comfort for many, many years.

I was reminded recently that failure isn't falling down but its staying down. Even though I am tired and I am afraid... I have to push on and push through those self-imposed prisons and keep trying to do better. This body is all that I have and it deserves the best treatment that I can give it. Sooo... I'm back on the right path. It all has to come together and that means that I have to keep trying in order to make it work.