I will admit it. I am a damn mess. Ugh. I hate it. I like to believe that I am all together, doing the right thing at all times. I don't like to let people know that I have my bad days... or if I do let them know that, I really don't tell them just how bad those bad days really are. It ain't right, but its me in all my honesty right now.
But, I can honestly say that prayer, meditation and just plain ol' trying to do better... is doing its job on me. Being upset about something is natural. Disappointment happens. Sometimes life just doesn't go your way. But when that disappointment lingers... when your heart still feels heavy even when you're trying your best to move forward... something is wrong. And it needs to be addressed.
I have been in a sour puss mood for the past few days. That's never a good thing. Being in a really bad mood makes me do bad things in order to pacify myself. I drink more (and I'm already supposed to drink in moderation as it is, which is a struggle). I eat all the wrong foods. I become lethargic and don't want to do my stretches or take my walks. My sleep pattern (which is already pretty weak) becomes worse... and all of these things combine to make my handling of my post-breast cancer issues that much more difficult.
Sigh... so what do you do when you know you're screwing up but you can't seem to fight your way out of that trick bag? If you're me, after you've tried to indulge yourself in sabotaging ways... you pray and pray and talk to yourself and read as many inspirational messages as you can. You try to stay to yourself, keep your funk in your own lane... and just hope that it goes away quickly. And if you're fortunate, at some point something will click and you will have an epiphany that helps you to see an exit sign out of the bad zone.
I read that disappointment is basically a measure of how attached you were to a particular outcome. That set off a lightbulb for me. My heartache is lingering because I was so attached to things working out a specific way. And when they didn't... I was mad at myself, mad at that situation and mad at the breast cancer for stealing away what I thought was mine. What I felt I deserved. Every time I think I understand the depth of my anger towards breast cancer and all that it ripped away from my life... something else pops up and shows me that I still have healing to do. At some point I am going to have to really sit down and forgive myself for having cancer. (That will be one tough day...)
In the meantime, I'm realizing that accepting disappointment and not being limited by it is my current job. Following my dreams is my priority. There simply is no other way for me to live right now. I could choose to see this NO as a final answer and continue to react in self-destructive ways (eating too many carbs, drinking too much liquor, brooding, etc.) or I can funnel that energy into fulfilling my dreams. I really want to do the latter.
The thing is... hurt and pain and disappointment are really very strong emotions. They have a lot of power with them. But if I don't choose to channel that power in the right way, I will be allowing the negativity to win. And for me, that is like allowing another monster to creep into my body and wreck havoc on my life.
I have been reading that yoga is very good for breast cancer survivors. (Yoga helps breasts cancer survivors) It helps us to manage our stress levels, helps us to connect more fully with our bodies (which helps us with our body image issues) and it gives us a better quality of life. (Did you see that light bulb just go off in my head?) I have never tried yoga before but I have ordered a couple of dvds from Netflix and hopefully, it will help me mend my spirit and reconnect to the inner part of me that I feel was broken because of the breasts cancer and the subsequent heartbreaks that followed.
Thanks to this epiphany, I have a renewed vigor to do good things. I am trying to get beyond this heartache. Some days it is much harder than others... but I am committed to trying to get to that happy place again.
So, what do you do when you're trying to get back to "happy" again? Yoga? Ice cream? Shopping? What's your way of handling stress and strain?
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