I realized that the anniversary of my diagnosis had arrived while sitting at a party chatting with a nice stranger. Washington, DC is buzzing because the fraternity brothers of Omega Psi Phi are in town celebrating the centennial anniversary of the founding of their organization. There are thousands of college educated brothers around, hundreds of fabulous parties and just fun, fun, fun on every corner. So... why in the world am I at home on a Friday night sulking?
Cuz its my cancerversary.
Well, that's a part of it. The other part of it is that my cellphone died last night while I was out partying...and I don't make a move without my phone. I know myself though, and for the right event... I'd risk hanging out without my phone. Remember, I'm the girl who appreciates a great party. So, its more than the phone that's got me sitting in the house tonight.
Its my cancerversary.
Three years ago... a single girl in love was dreaming of happily ever after, shopping for houses, preparing her mind for the possibility of motherhood and simply looking to move her life to another place. And smack dab in the middle of her dreams... that damn breast cancer beast showed up and started showing out and changed the trajectory of my future. Getting beyond the heartbreak of disappointment with what didn't happen and what did happen has been rough for me. But... I am there now.
I am done with my active cancer treatment. I have hair again -- its thinner, but it is there. My nails are no longer purple and bruised. They do not fall off when you touch them. My radiation scar is no longer blistered, puffy and painful. The skin is no longer charred and black. My noobie now feels more comfortable than it did when I first had my reconstruction surgery. The area of numbness in my abdomen is now the size of a saucer and does not stretch across my entire midsection as it once did. I still can't feel my belly button and there is an area that I can't feel but shoot... I can feel my sides and I couldn't a year ago.
My erratic diligence in applying vitamin E oil to my scars is paying off. My scars are fading and my skin is looking more normal. I have eyelashes and eyebrows (again, a little thinner than before but they're there) and that makes me smile. Generally speaking, I'm okay. I'm growing farther away from where I used to be and who I used to be. I am moving closer to where I want to be. And that moves me to where I am right at this moment.
I have been through a lot and every day I accept that a little more than the day before.
I spend a lot of time alone and I try to check in with myself emotionally fairly often because with all of the dramatic twists and turns in my life, I refuse to allow myself to fall into a depression or otherwise get down on myself. I have moments and days where I'm upset. I'm human and I'm allowed that. But I am alive. I am truly learning that love is what it is all about. All types of love. I try every day to be more loving; towards others and towards myself. I remain hopeful that when love comes my way, I'll know how to give it and how to receive it and just enjoy this life I've been given. I'm starting a non-profit project that I believe will be an awesome addition to this world. I'm learning to be comfortable with who I am right now. Right now.
Everybody has problems. Some people have big problems. Some have small problems. But what's big to you might be small to me or vice versa. Look, life is hard and sometimes some of us really have to go through the fire. It is what it is. But if you are so blessed (as I have been blessed) to come out on the other side, why would you fight against feeling wonderful and happy and joyous?
It is my cancerversary and I am emotional. Because the marathon that I started in 2008 isn't over... I've just hit a different stretch in the road. I don't know what's ahead for me as far as this cancer journey goes. I have my worries and my fears. But I also know that right here, right now... is all that I have. I have to live in THIS moment and let the future take care of itself when it comes.
No regrets.
This is the life I was given. I would not have picked this journey but this is what was for me and I'm okay with that. Along the way, I've thrown tantrums and been angry and sad... and that was fine because that's how I felt. But watching tonight's wedding shows, I was reminded that living life well was to be bold with it. Be bold with it and love yourself right where you are. Frequently, I find myself getting down on myself because I wonder whether I could have done something different along the way... something that may have changed this marathon. But on my cancerversary... I am deciding that I will just be fine with myself right now, just as I am.
Happy cancerversary.
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