So I talked with the general surgeon yesterday

It was a quick visit -- so this will be a quick post. Dr. Abell was very nice and quite informative.

The basics are that:
- he also agrees with the plastic surgeon that its more likely than not that I will need radiology after the mastectomy;
- this surgery will only take 2 hours and only require an overnight stay at the hospital;
- I will definitely lose my entire left breast and a small portion of my underarm area;
- recovery is expected to be pretty easy and pretty fast;
and finally;
- I will not likely have my reconstruction for at least 6 months, more likely a year from now.

He told me yesterday that he was going to do all that he could to have my surgery scheduled for sometime in the next two weeks. He was true to his word because I just got off the phone with his office and the surgery has been scheduled. Although I've been very open during this whole process, I'm not going to put the actual date of teh surgery here (at least not right now) because I really need some privacy around this situation.

My emotions have been all over the place lately and I don't want to bombard anyone else with my stuff at the moment. I am very grateful for everyone's response to my post "how does it feel to be you". I learned a lot and had a lot confirmed for me. Basically that this is difficult for everyone involved -- no matter how slight the involvement is perceived to be. There's just nothing easy about cancer.

I'm gonna try to get back to my nap. The surgeon's office woke me up with their call... so I need to get some more sleep and process this new information.

Rubber Duckies and Global Warming

NASA has polluted the ocean near Greenland with 90 rubber duckies, all in the name of science. They wanted to see where water from the melting glaciers was going, so they put the duckies in and now want to find them so they can learn about climate change.

The major flaw with the plan seems to be that the duckies have to make their way underneath the glaciers and into channels of melting water. The thought is that this water flow is speeding the melting of the glaciers. However, since no ducks have been found, it seems likely that they have all gotten stuck under the ice, along with the football-sized GPS transmitter.

If you do capture one of these wild yellow ducks, be sure to contact the email address printed on the duck. You'll get a $100 prize if you find the first one! And we could all use a little extra cash.

Related Posts: A creeping problem; Earth Hour: Keeping us in the dark; Global Warming Cafe
Photo courtesy of Tambako the Jaguar.

2009: The year to be more ....?

'Tis the season for those resolutions (except if you don't believe in them, like John). Traditionally I resolve to floss my teeth on a more regular basis. However ---gasp!--- I've been doing that this year! Well at least for the last three months.

Instead of making concrete resolutions like "I promise to go to the gym or play Wii Boxing 4 times per week," I'm thinking about making mind/attitude change resolutions. The idea is that if I ingrain something like a "be more patient" mantra into my every day routine, that my actions will then reflect that. I'm less of a thinker and more of a feeler, so if this mantra becomes part of my life, perhaps it will impact my actions.

Some research has postulated that changing just one "node" of the emotions that make up an attitude can change the whole attitude. With a different attitude, you're bound to behave differently.

The attitude-altering mantras I'm considering are as follows

• Be more patient
• Be kinder
• Think before acting
• What would INSERT MENTOR HERE [my grandma Mil] do?
• Do I really need that?
  

Do you have any New Year's resolutions?

Related Posts: Top 5 New Year's Resolutions; How YOU doin'?; Green Tips for the New Year; Delayed Gratification; Who is Happier?

what's it like to be you?

Yesterday in chemo, I had a chance to talk to my oncologist for a few moments. We weren't scheduled to meet, but he was at the cancer center during my chemo time... so we chatted. He had communicated with the plastic surgeon and had news for me.

It seems that the plastic surgeon is very concerned that I will need to have radiation after my mastectomy. If that is true, then I am not a candidate for immediate reconstruction after my mastectomy. The hitch is... they won't know if I'm a candidate for radiology until they perform the mastectomy and they perform the pathology exams on my tumors.

So... I won't know when I'm wheeled into surgery if I'm going to come out with one breast or two. I can have the reconstruction immediately only if I don't need radiation; only if they can remove all of the cancer with surgery alone. I meet with the general surgeon on Tuesday; hopefully he can better explain to me what will happen when I go into surgery.

I did not want to ever wake up and have to look at myself with one breast. I never wanted to see my body deformed that way. This process has been so hard to handle and the one thing that I could hold on to has been taken from me. Hearing months ago that I could go into the mastectomy surgery and come out with a replacement breast -- made me feel that this would be okay. But once again, my stable ground has been shaken and I just don't know. Of course, I came home from the hospital and crawled into bed; curled into the fetal position and cried myself to sleep.

So, that brings me to my question this morning... what is it like to be you? I know how crazy and emotional and sad I am... but what does it feel like to be a friend, or a relative... or even a passing stranger with a friend who is going through something this devastating?

I read an interesting message last night on a cancer newsletter where someone was praising the cancer caregivers (that would be you) for having the strength to be there beside their loved one through all the ups and downs of cancer treatment. The person actually wrote that they would prefer to be the patient to being the caregiver because at least the patient is (in some way) able to "do" something about the situation whereas the caregiver is basically helpless and resigned to sitting on the sidelines.

Is that how you feel? I have to ask because my mind cannot focus right now on the possibility of waking up in a couple of weeks with just one breast.

Was I so looking forward to the reconstruction because I still cannot fully accept and believe that I have cancer? I think so. I wake up often and think that I'm living someone else's life; or I'm in a dream. I look at myself in the mirror and I still am not comfortable with the bald head that looks back at me. And so on. I just want to know if you feel as unsettled and weird as I do.

Leave comments and tell me what it feels like to be you -- in this part of my journey.

~Nic

TGIF- Dog in Snow

A friend sent me this post and I couldn't stop laughing. I thought I would post it because, isn't that what this season is all about, being Merry?

Well Enjoy and have a great weekend!



Related Posts: Sock It To The Holidays! --- A little humor , Don't forget about your pet;How to be Happier

Video Courtesy of: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sUL0KCIc48

Merry Christmas!! Blessings are everywhere you look...

Its Christmas! Can you believe it?

This year has flown by... the last 6 months have been a blur for me. Doctor visits, hospital trips, needles, needles, did I mention needles?? lol... and lots of medication.

But its Christmas. :) How beautiful is that?

When I was told back in July that I had cancer, I did not know whether I would make it to Christmas. Everyone around me had far more faith than I did -- all I knew is that the boogeyman had finally found his way to my door. And I wasn't sure that I would be able to beat him.

Honestly speaking, I think his kryptonite must be tears and prayers... because that's all I've had in my arsenal for months. But whatever it has taken to beat him off, its working... my tumors are shrinking, I'm preparing for surgery and by the time its warm again on a regular basis, I should be back to full speed. That is awesome. I am humbled and happy.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has said a prayer, thought a kind thought for me, done a favor, sent a gift or a card, or just listened to me whine and cry through all of this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. Its not quite over, there will be more tears shed and more prayers needed... but the halfway mark is looking quite good to me right now.

Its Christmas and because of the economy it seems like a more dismal Christmas than usual. Well, it seems that other people are more dismal this Christmas. I am pretty upbeat (minus the past 3 days) and happy. Its Christmas! (Imagine me doing one of the dances that the Peanuts gang does during their Christmas special... head down, feet jamming!)

Its Christmas. I have friends and family who love me, who think about me and who share this load with me (as much as they can). I can't buy all the gifts and trinkets I want, but... I know that if something happens in the middle of the night and I call out, somebody will hear me. That is so priceless for me right now.

Usually at Christmas I'm pretty down. I tend to get caught up in a mental game of "I remember"... and it usually centers on all the friends and relatives who have passed away and how much I miss them. This year, I didn't get down. I got excited. I got happy. The same friends and relatives are gone but now I feel them with me. I can recollect good memories and smile, instead of feeling sad.

I've had some AMAZING friends (including those related to me) over the years. Beautiful, wonderful people... who for reasons I don't know... were not destined to see Christmas 2008. But what I realized recently is that each of them left so much with me, just by being themselves fully and freely... that I think I'm a better person for having known them and shared time with them.

One good friend who comes to mind is Kyatta Sullivan. Keke passed away about 15 years ago... and I can see her smile, and hear her voice like we talked yesterday. I realized last weekend, that Alandria reminds me of Keke. Same bubbly spirit, same creative passion, similar looks too. I missed Keke something SERIOUS when she passed. We were so young, we had so many dreams and plans... we were just kids really, hitting our stride (lol) in our 20's. And then poof... she was gone. And all I had for years and years were questions. Her death changed me in ways that I could not have imagined at all. But now I feel like her spirit for life, her energy for sharing her gifts to the world are part of MY future. I don't know why it took so long for me to get that... but I have it now. I can't sing like Ke could but I can do other things and the main thing I can do is be a good friend, a good relative to everyone in my life.

I know that many of us are sad, scared, depressed this year. But please, I beg of you... to lift your eyes up just a bit. We live in a beautiful world. We are surrounded by blessings everyday. Big and small. If you're able to read this blog, you're more blessed than most people in the world. I know it gets hard out here... but there is nothing that any of us is going through that we can't handle. God has given us so much, so much to be thankful for. So much laughter and joy. So many reasons to be thankful. Just so so much.

I am blessed. I do have cancer but that's only for a short time longer. No matter how scared I get, how many tears I shed... I am very blessed. And you are too.

Merry Christmas!!


~Nic

Globe Santa - Struggling like many of us

'Tis the season to give to others, though I'm sure many of us are cutting back. I know I've made many gifts for family this year, and my friends and I aren't exchanging gifts. However, imagine for a moment that you're a mom with four kids whose husband has abandoned them, whose mother has just died, and who herself has just been laid off.

What do you do then? I mean, really? What would you do? This mom went without heat and hot water for six months until she qualified for state aid this winter, but now the boiler's broken. And it's Christmas time - a holiday that transcends religion, becoming a cultural tradition here in the USA. I'm sure all this mother wants to do is make her kids smile on Christmas morning, especially those young enough to still believe in Santa Claus.

Food or clothing? Heat or happiness? Choices a mom shouldn't have to make.

This is just one of the stories Globe Santa received this year in its pile of requests for aid. In recent years Globe Santa has raised over $1 million in private and business donations, which they use to buy gifts for families who request help. These gifts are then delivered by UPS.

However, according to an article in the Globe on Saturday, Dec 20, this year they have raised just over $388,000. And this is in a year when no doubt they are receiving even more requests for help. That's just 38% of what they need. Back in 2000 - those happy days of the tech boom when many were flush - they were able to raise $1.4 million.

I know pennies are being pinched, manicures are being foregone, vacations out West are being canceled, but if you have $5 to spare, perhaps you could donate it to Globe Santa so a kid can be happy this year. It would be a great gift to someone you love, who perhaps has fond memories of Christmas themselves.

And if you're one of those fortunate people who are still able to luxury shop but are hiding your purchases in unmarked bags, consider donating a larger chunk 'o' change and foregoing your Hermes bag.

It's for the kids, man.

Resources: Globe Santa
Related Posts: Charitable Giving in 2008; Read the Paper; Fuel Assistance Workshops; Tapas for Toys; A gift to remember; 'Tis the season to change the present
Photos courtesy of the Globe Santa website.

The consultation about my breast reconstruction surgery...

I am in tears. Big, fat, hot tears. I'm not used to this much reality in my life.

I won't even go into detail about the ghetto broad at the reception desk who conveniently "forgot" to check me in for my appointment... even though I got there almost 2 hours early (had my times mixed up). Although she tried to ruin my day... her part in the tragedy is really minimal.

First, let me say... the plastic surgeon is really nice and she seems to be really on top of her game. I see why she's rated so highly and is so very busy. With that said...

she scared me to pieces.

The procedure that she and I agree would probably be best is the TRAM flap. I won't explain it here, but its a pretty intense procedure that uses the fat from my belly and some of my abdominal muscles to create a new breast. Its one thing to know that and another to hear that the procedure takes 12 hours to complete.

12 hours. Half a day.

To me, that's a very long time to be under anesthesia and lying with my body open and people digging and cutting on me. I didn't cry at the office, but I am certainly crying now. Afterwards, I will be in intensive care to recuperate from the operation. ICU... that's where my dad was last summer after his aneurysm. I don't want to be there.

There's more to add... but I'll have to do it later. I'm so freaked out and scared right now, all I can do is cry.

Sock It To The Holidays! --- A little humor

It's been icing, it's been snowing, and all we hear about is how our economy is in trouble. Watch (and listen) to these "wise socks" tell you how it is. It's a little TGIH (Thank Goodness It's the Holidays) for you this Monday morning!

Related Posts: Ice Storms and How you can help; Penny Pinchin' Times; Don't forget about your pet; It's still the economy, stupid
Video shared with me by my godmother Jeanne. Thanks!

This will be quick...

Its the middle of the night... or very early in the morning... depends on your perspective. I am wide awake... and I wish I weren't.

Its a few days after chemo... and I am in pain. Not quite misery, but quite uncomfortable. I am aching in my bones, my joints ache really badly. My fingertips and toes are still numb/tingling and I just want to rest. But it doesn't seem to be for me tonight.

I have an appointment in the morning to see the plastic surgeon. Things are going to move pretty rapidly from this point, I'm guessing. Dr. Siegel, my oncologist, wants/needs for me to be in surgery for my mastectomy by the first week of January. Not sure how that's going to happen but I'm sure it will work out somehow.

Unfortunately, time is not on my side... or rather... time has gotten away from me. It seems that the general surgeon that I've been consulting with and talking to since this entire journey began, is not available to do my surgery now. She is booked until the end of January. That won't work for me. So, Dr. Siegel's office has made arrangements for me to consult with Dr. Abell, who happens to be Dr. Lee's boss. (interesting huh?)

The plastic surgeon I am meeting with later today, Dr. Lenert... also happens to work under Dr. Abell as well. So, it is my strong hope that all of these doctors can coordinate with Dr. Siegel to get me into the operating room in a timely manner. I truly do not want to go through another dose of chemotherapy. I don't fully understand the details, but it seems important/critical that I am in surgery not longer than 2 weeks after my final chemotherapy.

One good thing... Dr. Siegel did a breast exam on Thursday and it seems that my primary tumor (Fred, the big one...) has shrunken considerably. When this ordeal started, Fred was the size of a golf ball (maybe a little smaller). Now, it might be about the size of a pea (maybe a little smaller). Dr. Siegel was extremely pleased with the shrinkage. I was too. At this point though, I'm so ready to be done with this that I am happy with every little bit of progress... no matter how tiny the step.

I mentioned to Dr. Siegel that I was experiencing some insomnia and he prescribed ambien. (rolling eyes) So many folks gave me dire warnings about using ambien... "it will knock you right out"... "make sure you're laying down when you take it"... blah blah blah.

You know that those doggone pills don't hardly work on me, right? They take hours to kick in, and then only allow me to sleep for a couple of hours. And I do mean... two.

Since it is so late, I won't take any tonight... I'll just suffer through tomorrow somewhat sleepy. I'll rest when I get home.

...so, that's all for now folks. I'll update you on the next steps once I get home from my doctor's appointment.

~Nic

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

So in case you haven't heard yet Boston is going to be getting a boatload of snow in the afternoon hours. YEAH! I know I am probably the only person excited about the impending storm but then again I grew up in the Midwest and I am used to being covered in snow.

When there is a foot of snow you really see the true nature of people. I have seen neighbors come together to shovel out each other's driveway, and everyone seems to pull together. This is when I experience the most random kindness from strangers which is always appreciated and wish it didn't just happen when it was snowing.

So you want to volunteer? Get out and shovel a neighbor's sidewalk. You don't even understand how many pedestrians will thank you for the safe footing underneath! Plus the gratitude from your neighbors!

Related Posts: My Knights in Shining Denim, Please shovel your sidewalks

Picture Courtesy of: http://www.fnal.gov/pub/today/archive_2007/today07-12-17.html

Food Banks and Food Pantries in Massachusetts

With all this talk about people's funds being limited and needing to seek assistance from food banks, I thought it would be useful to provide a list of all the food pantries in the Boston area, or Massachusetts overall.

But I couldn't find one.

At least not a comprehensive one. I could find the big ones - like the Greater Boston Food Bank, and a few smaller local joints, but no comprehensive list. A search on Google Local brought back lots of food pantries and food banks... as well as some Stop & Shops, Citizens Banks, and a few restaurants.

Not helpful.

Not to mention, many food banks and emergency food providers don't even have websites.

With allllllll of that in mind, I bring to you the great, the wonderful, the quite useful Food Bank and Food Pantry Map of Massachusetts. I compiled all of the information based on the Google Local search. You can zoom in on your local area to find the closest food bank to you, where you can bring donations or if you need it, get some help.

If you know of a food bank or pantry that is not listed there, just drop me a line at boston at oyfp dot org and I'll add you on.

Happy Food Banking!

Resources: Food Bank and Food Pantry Map of Massachusetts
Related Posts: Food is key to culture; Food for Thought; Partying for Good; Helping with a mullet; Helping a little old lady

Well... another night before chemo

Tonight is the night before my last taxol infusion. I'm excited about the last chemo (well sort of, I'll still be getting regular herceptin treatments) and I'm also freaked out. The last chemo means that in a couple of weeks, God willing, I'll be going into surgery to have my cancer removed. I keep trying to tell myself that losing my breast is secondary to getting rid of the cancer... but its not working. I keep thinking (and overthinking) about losing my breast and having a "fake" one put in its place.

I don't know how other folks handle this, or how any of you would handle this if you were me... but I feel like I'm a total and complete mess. I have cried so much this week -- I've been unable to take or return phone calls. Honestly, between you and me... this is hard. I thought that I would be feeling so much better about this by now. We're close to halfway through this thing. I have gotten comfortable with the language of cancer; how to broach the topic with strangers and old friends (not that I'm handling that all that well either); how to cope with the various and many physical changes/side effects that I go through every week... But I have not gotten comfortable with the notion of losing my breast. I'm just as angry about it now as I was back in August when I was told it was best that I have the mastectomy.

I pushed for a lumpectomy but its a no-go. I tried to be cool with that. I realize that my cancer is positioned in a way that saving my breast is not possible. I have tried to be cool with that. But now... its close to 2/3 weeks away and I'm realizing that I'm still not cool with losing a part of me.

Women undergo plastic surgery every day, willingly and at great cost to improve their looks. Women undergo plastic surgery every day, willingly and at great cost to correct a medical problem. Why can't I program my mind and my emotions... to willingly accept that this is necessary for my life? I feel like I'm being punished and I can't figure out what I've done wrong.

Keep me in your prayers... please. Its been a hard, hard week.

~Nic

I went to brunch on Saturday... and pictures were taken

I have been wanting to take some pictures during this process. Well, what I wanted was to go to a photographer and have some portraits taken. While I feel hideous right now, I did want some pictures to remind me of this time in my life. But my vain side wanted them to be done in the best possible way -- full makeup, lots of energy... that sort of thing. Rather model-esque, if you will.

I got half of my wish this weekend.

At brunch a couple of the ladies had their cameras and they snapped a few pictures of the group -- which included me. With my bald head and my bald face (no makeup).

Now, I see my face everyday -- just like you see yours everyday. And for the most part, I know what I look like. However, because I don't interact with many people on a regular/daily basis, I did not know what I looked like in relation to other people. Typically, the only people I see in a week are my parents, other patients at the cancer center (and most of them look bad)... and the medical staff at the cancer center.

I haven't seen myself in relation to other beautiful black women in months. And when I saw the pictures... I was mortified.

Disclaimer: I am not fishing for compliments. I promise you. I am being honest about what I saw when I looked at myself compared to healthy, normal, beautiful and made up sistas.

I looked sad and pitiful. I am pale. Sooo very pale. My eyes look sad and heavy. My eyebrows are definitely thin (compared to their normal jet black thickness). My poor little head... lol. Its so small... I mean, I suppose that I look okay to be in the midst of a battle like this. But I don't look so great to me.

Remember... it was my goal to make cancer look good. lol... I'm failing at my job.

I posted the pictures to my facebook account and many people commented that they liked the pictures, liked my smile...etc. However, I do not see what they see. Its possible that my mind has become warped and I have a distorted image of myself. It is very possible and highly likely. But I am vain -- have been for a long time. And I don't like not looking and feeling cute. Silly I suppose... but as a woman, being pretty is important to me.

I've been squeamish about wearing makeup. Very scared about putting anything on my skin right now. But I may have to change that perspective because I can't continue to go out in public looking like Uncle Fester. Its not fair to the public. They don't deserve that.

Earlier this evening, I got really sad looking at that picture of myself and reading the kind comments that people left me on facebook. I can't explain it to you but I cried for awhile... it made me really sad that I could not see myself as pretty anymore.

I will have to figure out a way to get past seeing myself as a monster. Not sure how at the moment... but I'll figure something out. I don't think that this is just a makeup issue.

Last week (maybe the week before)... I was at chemotherapy and I decided to walk down the block to grab something to eat when it was over. While waiting for my order at the Wendy's counter... a random guy (black, older) made a comment that he liked my haircut. Had I not been so tired, I would have laughed. Instead, I just looked at him like he was crazy and said thanks.

Haircut? Puh-lease!! I am bald. I'm not Grace Jones trying to make a statement or be bold. I'm going through some stuff right now and this look is what I'm stuck with. I hate it. I have gotten to a place of being comfortable about my bald head that I don't always wear my "indoor" hat when I go out in public. I do wear a winter hat because its cold outside but that's it. Basically, the hot flashes required that I get over covering my head because I was afraid for people to look at it. Hot flashes are also the reason why I don't wear wigs. I have two... they will never be worn -- well, maybe for Halloween next year. But they won't be worn while I'm going through this. I can't take the heat.

I have heard a few people say that (or something similar) they like bald on me, or its good that I wore my hair so short because it makes my baldness less shocking. I don't know how to deal with that. I do understand what they are saying but it feels totally different to me. Even though I wore my hair very very short -- it is still shocking to me that I have NO HAIR at all on my head. It still makes me wonder (when I look in the mirror) where my femininity has gone.

I think that my lesson for the week is... I need to start wearing makeup again when I go out in public. Even if it doesn't make any difference to people who know me, or random strangers on the street -- maybe it will make me feel better about myself.

I really hope it will help me not see a monster when I look in the mirror.

~Nic

Ice Storms and How you can help

As you may have heard, the Northeast has been particularly hard hit by ice storms Thursday morning. Thousands of people are still without power in upper state New York, Central and Western Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Maine, and Vermont, including my very own parents. If you're lucky enough to have electricity and be reading this blog entry, here are a few ideas for things you can do to help:

1. Make some food, and bring it to a shelter or to a friend/family in need. Not only are these people cold, they're probably hungry too! If you have a gas stove, you're fortunate... but if not, Triscuits and peanut butter get old fast.

2. Buy or make your own gallons of clean, drinkable water, and bring them to a shelter or a friend in need. Rural houses typically are not on town water, and rely on wells.... which have an electric pump.

3. Call 617-274-5325 or visit the Red Cross site where you can register to become a trained responder volunteer during times of crises. Then you'll be able to help when storms like this one strike.

Below is a list of shelters operated by the Red Cross of Massachusetts, and a complete list of New Hampshire shelters can be found on the Concord NH Red Cross site. Other shelters may also be open, operated privately by churches or other groups.

Shelter Name	Address	City/Town	State	Zip
Amesbury Middle School	222 Main Street	Amesbury	MA	01913
Lowell High School	50 Father Morissette Blvd.	Lowell	MA	01852
Comprehensive Grammar School	100 Howe Street	Methuen	MA	01844

And finally, read these post-storm tips from the MA state government to prevent further mishap.

It's the holidays, peeps. Do a little something to help your neighbors and fellow citizens out. Perhaps I'll follow my own advice and bring my parents some food, though they're luckier than most and have a generator...

Related Posts: If they can give, you can too; Disasters, Crises, and Donating Blood; Food prices are rising, here's how to keep your dough
Photo courtesy of StreamingMeeMee.

School Safety Controversy

I am not sure how I feel about this story. The Georgetown, MA school district is considering a proposal to teach children as young as 10 years old how to fight back if gunmen were to enter their school.

What is this Red Dawn? Okay so Red Dawn was about High school kids fighting Soviet gunmen, but are 10 year old children emotionally equipped to fight back gunmen? More importantly do you want children fighting back, which could lead to their harm?

Would your opinion change if schools taught children where to go in the case of a Columbine like attack. Schools have tornado drills, why can they have a "safe shelter" drill?

I work for a University and we have a plan like this in place. Additionally, we even practice this drill to hopefully avoid/prepare the employees for any possible attacks. I would like to point out that there is a huge age gap between us (my colleagues at work) and some of the children of the proposal at Georgetown. Not to mention the emotional developmental differences between youth and adults.

As Kenneth Trump, the president of National School Safety and Security Services, states "We’re asking them (the children) to make some quite serious judgments that even trained adults are challenged to make". "I think that’s an unrealistic and highly risky expectation and burden to put on kids".

What are your thoughts? Should children be taught this in schools? If so, should there be an age restriction, say high school and above? What are your thoughts?

Related Posts: Handgun bans and Dogs

Picture Courtesy of: http://www.catholicregister.org/content/view/799/855/

Twas the night before chemo...

Well, its the night before chemo... again... and I'm a little anxious... again. But today was a pretty good day so I'm in a good mood. I fell asleep earlier today... so I'm awake pretty late. That's not unusual lately. I haven't been sleeping too well this past week. Averaging about 3 or maybe 4 hours of sleep each day (if I'm not taking tylenol pm) and that's usually in little 30 min - 1 hour naps.

I mentioned the insomnia to the doctor last week at my chemo session and its a side effect of the chemo. Its not one of the side effects that many people get -- something like 14% of patients suffer from insomnia. So I guess that makes me special. I hope that same ratio doesn't stick to me when it comes to me surviving this treatment. Currently, in my age bracket, 83% of breast cancer patients survive their treatment. That means that 17% don't. I don't want to be special that way.

I've been pretty moody and a little erratic this week. I'm blaming the lack of sleep for it. Though I know that's not the only reason. Probably not even the primary reason. I have been thinking about some pretty emotional stuff from my past... on purpose.

A few years ago, I started writing a novel. I had gotten pretty far along and then I was stuck. And I mean, stuck tight. I could not move that stupid story forward no matter what I tried to do. Finally, I took some advice from a writing book and put my book away. The advice was to put away whatever you're working on for awhile... just lock it up and forget about it... and then pick it up weeks, months... years later when you no longer can remember much about it and usually the distance that has grown between you and the work will allow you to see the work differently, more clearly and you will be able to fix and/or finish the story.

So... I put away my story... and actually I started a separate story about 2 years ago I think. I never liked that second story. I now want to return to the first story and finish it... but its gone. It got lost in my moving shuffle from my last apartment. I only have one short chapter -- and its not even a real chapter, its maybe half a chapter -- to work with. My heart is heavy that the story is gone. I've looked everywhere online that I can think I may have stashed some or all of it... but I can't find it at all.

Digging into my emotions from my past is scary. There's a lot of stuff that I have pushed away and forgotten because it was painful and I needed to move beyond it. Now, I need to tap into it in a controlled way so that I can put these words to paper. I think that as emotional as I've been these past few months... its about to get worse. Hopefully you won't notice that. I will try to remain balanced as I go through these next few months of treatment and surgery.

I can tell you this... trying to type with this neuropathy in my fingers is interesting. The tingling/numbness is slowing down my typing. Whereas before the neuropathy my fingers only looked like they had been bruised (the chemo has discolored my nail beds -- a deep purple)... now they feel like they have been slammed in a door too. My toes too...

I have no idea what sort of side effects I can look forward to after this session. I had thought (before I started) that the herceptin treatments would be a cakewalk... just some hormone treatment and I'm good. But its been causing more side effects than the other medication that is killing the cancer and shrinking the tumors.

Either way... I'm hoping that tomorrow goes quickly and has no reactions. But now that I am thinking about it, I think I will throw my benadryl in my bag just in case.

I hope that you're doing well this holiday season. I know that everything is scary right now... so much is unknown and changing... jobs, housing, banks... you just don't know if you're standing on firm ground or sinking sand. But my hope and prayer for all of us is that whatever we're facing... we stand firm in knowing that God has prepared us for the going through. And He is there for us to reach out to Him and hold on as we move forward. That's what gets me through these days, even when I'm crying and I'm scared -- which is actually every single day -- I keep reminding myself that God has me. And he's prepared me for this -- even if I can't see it. No matter what happens, I've been prepared for this.

Lately my tears are in preparation for my surgery. I keep wondering how I will view myself with my reconstructed breast. But I know -- even if my heart hasn't caught up yet -- I know logically that I am not my breasts. My beauty as a person and as a woman is not attached to my breasts. But I am mourning the loss -- can't lie about it. And I am definitely worried about how I will feel about myself after I get up from the operating table.

I don't meet with the plastic surgeon for another week or so. My anxiety is building slowly... which is why I'm allowing myself to feel the fear and to cry the tears so that I don't have a melt down when I go to see the plastic surgeon. I want to slowly release the emotional steam... so that it doesn't build up to epic proportions and cause some real damage.

... its really late so I'm going to lay down for a few hours before I go to the hospital. Please continue to pray for me -- I really can feel the power it is giving me. Without your prayers, I just don't know where I would be.

~Nic

If they can give, you can too

Times are tough, I get it. But if these homeless men in Detroit can raise $500 to adopt four families this Christmas, I'm sure you can spare $25 to buy a toy for a kid.

Homeless people, as in - they don't have a home, one of the basic necessities of life - are giving this season.

What's your excuse now?


Related Posts: Alternative holiday gift ideas; A gift to remember; Buy local for the holidays; Tapas for Toys; Conscious Giving; 'Tis the season to change the present; DesignGive - Creativity is a gift; 10,000 Reasons to Buy
Photo courtesy of Franco Folini.

Alternative holiday gift ideas

Last week, Krystle wrote about supporting local artisans by buying your Christmas/Hanukkah/ Kwanzaa/ New Year's gifts from them. I'd like to introduce three other options:

1. Make some gifts.
I know, I know. You might claim not to be "crafty." But that doesn't preclude you from making gifts, and perhaps saving a little dough in the meantime! Try baking an assortment of goodies (it's easier than you think), creating a photo collage or photo calendar for friends, family, or co-workers, or maybe giving "coupons" (massages, dinner, breakfast in bed, load of laundry, etc.). Or, perhaps you could do what my group of friends is doing this year - having a potluck to celebrate our friendship instead of giving gifts.

2. Buy some homemade gifts on Etsy.com.

If you'd like to give something with that homemade touch but really don't know where to turn, I highly recommend Etsy.com. Think boutique, or art gallery, only it's online, searchable, and you can request custom items from sellers! You're talking right to the people making the stuff. My favorites include some of the stained glass, baby hats, and vintage finds. Or, of course, the classic sock monkey or sock dog (cough, cough - shameless self promotion).

3. Donate in someone's name.

Sure, maybe this isn't original. But people are more in need than ever. Try giving a cow or a dozen chicks, volunteering for a day on behalf of someone, donating gifts to Toys for Tots, or donating money to your favorite non-profit. My brother once gave me a blank check for $50 that I could send to any non-profit of my choice (I chose Mercy Corps since it was right after the tsunami). He was in college at the time, so it represented no small sum of money. It meant a lot to me, and I'm sure the money made an impact.

So those are my ideas. I'm doing a lot of numbers one and two this year (aside from a few Amazon.com and clothing purchases), and some of number three. Please join me!

Related Posts: Buy local for the holidays; Tapas for Toys; A gift to remember; Conscious Giving; 'Tis the season to change the present; DesignGive - Creativity is a gift; 10,000 Reasons to Buy

Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart, Sitting in a Tree: TGIF

This video just about made my Friday. Martha and Snoop Dog have the pitter patter of a cooking show together down to a science, or should I say, "sizz-ience." Who would have thought Martha Stewart would be self aware enough to bring on an unexpected guest like Snoop?




Courtesy of Extreme Craft.

Buy Local for the Holidays

So the "experts" finally realized that we are in a recession. Thanks for FINALLY admitting what we all have known to be true for awhile now. With the terrible economy many are choosing to scale back on their purchases for the holidays.

However if are able to buy gifts this year, you can really help the local economy if you buy from local vendors. Where to find these local vendors? Come on out this Sunday to the Bazaar Bizarre at the Castle at Park Plaza on the corner of Arlington Street & Columbus Avenue in Boston.

Bazaar Bizarre began in 2001 in the Boston-area as a celebration of local artists and their handcrafted DIY wares to sell and at the same time staging an offbeat entertainment extravaganza. If you're looking for gifts that are unique, I guarantee this place has it.

Details
Date: Sunday December 7, 2008
Place: The Castle at Park Plaza
Time: Noon-7pm
Cost: $1 to get in

Related Posts: The R-word, Sock Monkeys for Charity, designgive - creativity is a gift
Photo Courtesy of http://www.bazaarbizarre.org/

I fell out in the kitchen the other night... scary

So, its Sunday night and I'm trying to get a little something to snack on. I heat up an enchilada and just as I'm getting the sour cream to put on top.... I start feeling really really dizzy.

I never lost consciousness and I was aware that I was falling... but I couldn't stop myself from hitting the floor. Once again, my voice failed me... and I couldn't (or wouldn't) shout out to let my mom know that I was falling out. She was watching tv in the family room -- just across the way. And it wasn't until I was laid out on the floor for a few moments and I realized that I couldn't get myself up, that I spoke to her and asked her to get my dad from upstairs.

You know... it is amazing to me, that even in the midst of something happening to my body, I still have these thoughts of not upsetting folks or disturbing them. I think I need to call my therapist so we can discuss it. :)

At any rate, my mom started screaming at my dad to come and help me and while I was woozy down on the floor... I was trying to stay connected to the scene. After he helped me up and got me a warm washcloth for my face... I refused to go to the hospital.

It seemed illogical to me to go to the hospital because I was woozy. I was still breathing, nothing was bleeding... so... I figured I was okay. Maybe just tired, or hungry or something. When I called the boyfriend to let him know... he wanted me to go to the hospital too. But I just didn't want to spend hours and hours in the emergency room when they probably wouldn't know what was wrong with me (like before) and I would just be sitting there taking up space. I just wasn't trying to end my holiday weekend that way.

I decided to call the oncologist's office on Monday when they opened, to let them know what happened and to see if this was something that was expected or if it was unusual. I finally talked to the nurse today, after she talked to my oncologist.

And... once again, my logic is totally wrong. I should have gone to the hospital on Sunday night, and if it ever happens again, that's what I will do.

I was just sitting here thinking about how I feel like a visitor in my own body. I know that I have cancer. I know that I'm in chemotherapy. But I feel... like Nic. Nic who is totally healthy and doesn't have to worry about whether or not something is major enough to warrant a trip to the hospital to be checked out all the time. I know that people don't pass out all the time, but it happens enough that most folks don't have to go to the hospital for it. You get up, you get a warm or cold compress for your head or neck... and then you take it easy for awhile. That's it. It doesn't require a team of ER doctors to check you out.

But now I know... that for me... it does.

Last night I stumbled on a video on Google video ... about transitioning from being a cancer patient to a cancer survivor. It was a good video and I really had not thought about what it will be like when all this treatment is over and I'm back in the real world again. You would think that life would resume as usual... but what's usual isn't usual anymore. Normal healthy people can get a small fever and keep doing their normal activities. But I can't do that. It just doesn't compute in my head.

I keep trying to understand how I'm different now. And how to reconcile that I am different and none of the standard rules apply to me the way that they used to.

I'm sure that Dr. Siegel will take a few moments to chat with me on Thursday when I go for chemo. And I don't know what to tell him. I fell out in the kitchen. I never lost consciousness... and it never occurred to me that this was something drastic that I needed to go to the hospital for. It never occurred to me.

I think I keep trying to make chemotherapy this very small part of my life. And it keeps letting me know that it is a huge part of who I am right now. I keep trying to retain a piece of me, that's still "me". And it feels like "me" is shrinking more and more every day.

Today is one of those days... where I'm just left to wonder.

Stay Healthy During the Holidays

So this post isn't exactly about volunteering, or doing good for others... but it is about doing good for yourself. 'Tis the season for weight gain. We're talking the annual "freshman 15" from all the booze, fruitcake, and rich foods you'll be eating this season, combined with the occasional pizza or Indian food takeout. It's not good for your figure, nor for your heart.

No worries, I'm not one to play Grinch of Holiday Yumminess. However, there are a few things I'm going to do this season that I thought you might want to do too:

1. Before going out to eat (or maybe at the table on my iPhone), I'm going to check out this handy dandy Eating Out Guide from the American Heart Association. It doesn't just tell you "order the chicken fillet instead of the burger," it includes "ethnic" foods, which are my favorites! You can still eat Indian food, but do so in a more healthy way.

2. Eggnog fan? Try a glass of half eggnog, half 1% milk, splash of whatever alcohol it is you put in eggnog. And make it a small glass while you're at it.

3. Try a little bit (like a bite) of all the desserts, and then stop. No really. Stop.

4. Go for a walk at lunch. Not only will this get your heart pumping, but the sunlight and vitamin D will help stave off seasonal affective disorder (read: winter makes me sad).

5. Go to the gym with a friend. Ok maybe some of you doobies out there actually go to the gym the required number of times per week, but I'm not one of them. I don't even belong to one right now. Too boring. But add a friend? I'm hoping for magic, or at the very least, discipline.

Any tips for staying healthy through the holidays? Please share.

Related Posts: Eating Locally; Tapas for Toys; A gift to remember; Conscious Giving; 'Tis the season to change the present; DesignGive - Creativity is a gift; 10,000 Reasons to Buy
Image courtesy of the NY Times.

World AIDS Day - How to celebrate

Today is World AIDS Day.

Why should you care?

Well, according to the Centers for Disease Control, at the end of 2003, an estimated 1,039,000 to 1,185,000 persons in the United States were living with HIV/AIDS, with 24%-27% undiagnosed and unaware of their HIV infection. The CDC estimated that approximately 56,300 people were newly infected with HIV in 2006 (the most recent year that data are available).

This means one of your partners could have HIV/AIDS and not know it, putting you at risk.

And the US population with HIV/AIDS is minuscule compared to the rest of the world. More than 25 million people have died of AIDS since 1981. Africa has 11.6 million AIDS orphans. And at the end of 2007, women accounted for 50% of all adults living with HIV worldwide, and for 59% in sub-Saharan Africa.*

What can you do about it?

1. Be safe. Have safe sex (read: condoms, folks), and if you're frequently using needles, make sure they're clean.

2. Donate money to the Boston Living Center, the AIDS Action Committee of Massachusetts, or the International AIDS Vaccine Initiative.

3. Volunteer locally in Boston at the AIDS Action Committee of Massachusetts or at the Boston Living Center. Volunteering internationally is always an option too!

4. Attend one of the Boston area World AIDS Day events, including a memorial service at the Boston Living Center; a talk at the MIT Museum entitled "AIDS: When will it end?"; or a chamber concert benefiting the AIDS Action Committee.

Either way, it's time to take action.


Related Posts: World AIDS Day 2007; 2009 Calendar Benefiting Indian Women; What to ask before you commit to volunteering; International Volunteering; Earthquake in China Volunteer Opportunities
*Stats taken from http://www.avert.org/worldstats.htm.
Images courtesy of WorldAidsCampaign.org.