I had not intended to write a post about my mother tonight... but I feel compelled right now. I just found a bunch of poems, essays and other writings that I thought were forever lost on the internet. I've been sitting in the same place for hours, just reading my old writings, trying to remember my emotional state at the time and re-reading the responses that I kept to those writings. Its been a great trip down memory lane. (I used to be a pretty good poet...lol)
Anywhooo... I came across a poem I wrote to my mother a few years ago.
I used to belong to an on-line poetry group called the PoetsNiche. It was an amazing experience for me. In that group, we would share work that we had written to get feedback and critiques from other poets in the group. In the preface to the poem I wrote for my mom, I wrote that I was inspired to memorialize what she meant to me because of a breast cancer scare. (freaky, right?)
Reading that poem tonight really brought tears to my eyes. I remember when she told me that she had to have a biopsy on a small lump that she found in her breast. I was sooo scared. I mean totally freaked out. Of course reading that poem tonight brought me full circle emotionally. I still feel the same way -- my momma is the bomb! But even more so because she is so faithful in her love for me, her willingness to do for me, to help me. Before this post gets too long, too mushy... I'll just share the poem with you guys.
I'm sure that many of you love your mommas like I love mine... I just had to share this love tonight. It has increased 10-fold since I wrote this.
Enjoy!
=================
A letter to my momma
The memories of us
Laughing and crying
Talking and cooking
Listening and loving
Even fussing and fighting
Drive me to excel
You`ve always been there
When I needed you
And even when I thought I was grown
You were my first teacher
My first disciplinarian
You carried me...
Those times I didn`t know
How to carry myself
By watching you I learned
That sexy isn`t slutty
That parents can be friends
That love requires work
And that family means everything
You taught me
To keep my head high
To walk with elegance
And not be ashamed of my gifts
Or my beauty
You let me
make my own decisions
So many times that
I thought everyone would give me that option
Now I know I have to earn respect from the world
Just as I earned it from you
Because of your love
I found God for myself
And you accepted my choice
As my own
No questions
Your food fed my body
Your love fed my soul
Your trust fed my spirit
Your abilities made me whole
I know that our forever together
Will someday come to a close
But I need to let you know
That I thank God for you
And I thank you for me
I love you mommy...
...signed Nikki
Your favorite friend
And only daughter
) Nicole McLean2001
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Going Above and Beyond
Like Christina, I also see random things while on my way to work. Yesterday morning I saw a hair cutter from Mario's Salon in Davis Square (I think it was Mario himself) help a blind person cross the street. The employee of Mario's Salon didn't stop there but walked with the blind person all the way to the T and led him to a MBTA staff member to assist the blind person with getting on the public transportation.
Now was this simply an employee helping out a client in order to keep the client returning for his services? Maybe, however I rarely see people go above and beyond their call of duty for others in general, not to mention those who are differently abled. Could the employee have helped the blind person cross the street, and then gone back to business, sure, but I thought it was really a nice thing that he followed the blind person the whole way to the T.I would also like to point out that there was still some snow/ice on the sidewalk which made it very dangerous to walk, especially if one can't see the snow/ice. Even more reason I think it was commendable for this hair cutter to walk this blind person all the way to the T.
So I just wanted to take the time to give a shout out to those people that go above and beyond the call of duty. Do you know of/seen anyone who has gone above the call of duty?
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I Like Lists
Website:
http://www.oyfp.org/BOS/events/
http://www.oyfp.org/BOS/events/view/168/
Blog:
http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com/2009/02/spirit-of-service.html
Yelp:
http://www.yelp.com/events/boston-spirit-of-service
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=52737941274
Upcoming
http://upcoming.yahoo.com/event/1850150/
DoGood:
http://dogood.boston.com/nonprofits/on-your-feet-project/events/spirit-of-service#
Idealist.org:
http://www.idealist.org/if/idealist/en/blogs/3/2057
Idealist Twitter:
http://twitter.com/idealist_org/status/1223372726
Bit.ly:
http://bit.ly/info/DyvB0
Craigslist:
http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/vol/1050180773.html
&
http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/eve/1050139415.html
Cool People Care:
http://www.coolpeoplecare.org/event/2009/03/05/spirit-service/
iList:
http://ilist.com/listings/over-20-free-volunteer-opportunities-with-young-pro
Click above, find out.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
ICycle III - A HomeStart, Inc. Event!
My ideas always seem to originate on my walk to work, and today was no exception. I had reached the top of the Government Center stairs (winded, as always... even after more than a year of climbing, my body is still fighting me!) and saw an outdoor spin class. (This made me more aware of my being out of breath.)I didn't really think too much about it since there are always unique events happening at City Hall, though normally happening when the temperature is warmer than 30 degrees! Still, I would say out of the dozen bikes, 2 or 3 participants were spinning away...
8 hours later, after my entire day at work... the cycling continues! This is when I realized I had to be 'that girl' to stop and take a picture... and noticed that the name of this event was ICycle III - organized by HomeStart, Inc. - a non-profit organization whose mission is to end homelessness in Greater Boston by assisting individuals in obtaining permanent housing and to develop strategies to address systemic barriers to housing placement.
Each rider contributes 1 hour of their time in the cold, to quickly realize it's not long compared to what homeless people experience during long New Engand winters. A minimum of $250 is raised by each rider benefiting HomeStart, Inc.
Each rider contributes 1 hour of their time in the cold, to quickly realize it's not long compared to what homeless people experience during long New Engand winters. A minimum of $250 is raised by each rider benefiting HomeStart, Inc.
Kudos riders! Perhaps next time I'll join you.
Related Posts: Boston Bike Sharing; Bikes not Bombs; Biking to Work in Boston
Related Posts: Boston Bike Sharing; Bikes not Bombs; Biking to Work in Boston
Food is key to culture
I spent this past weekend in Nashville, TN (congrats, Eric & Leah!), and while waiting for my boyfriend to finish tying his tie (first too short, then too long), I caught a little of Anthony Bourdain's show No Reservations on the Travel Channel. For those of you unfamiliar with Chef Bourdain and his show, he travels all over the world sampling each regions' foods, whether it be cow intestines, deep fried chicken, or clam chowder. He tries it all.
It struck a chord with me as I prepare for my 12 day vacation in Honduras - really, the way to get to know a country is to eat its food. You can learn so much. After all, food is what we all have in common - we need to eat to survive.
My co-worker went to India for a wedding a few years ago, and only ate rice and naan for fear of getting sick. I went to India shortly after her, and my favorite part of the trip was trying different foods. I'll never forget sitting in the roadstop restaurant (essentially fast food) with all the hub-bub around my mom and me, and not knowing how to properly eat the meal served to us on a banana leaf.All the waiters and bus boys stared at us, and finally one kind woman who spoke English explained how to eat the thali properly. (You have to mix the rice with each of the five sauces in a different order and pick it up with your right hand to eat - see the photo of my Mom to the left.) We learned that food in India is more than just nourishment - it's tradition going back hundreds of years.
Food can also bridge cultural gaps. On this same trip to India, my mother and I invited our taxi driver Nathan to have lunch with us. He was so touched by this that he invited my mom and I back to his home at the end of the day tour to have tea and meet his family. They lived in a one room cement dwelling with a common bathroom, and all slept on mats on the floor. We shared more than just tea - we talked about our families, how Nathan wanted to expand his taxi business, and Indian culture in general. We learned so much more than we would have without the visit, and it's just because we broke bread (or naan in this case) together.
My favorite time spent in my semesters abroad in Spain and Nicaragua were sitting with my host mothers/sisters while they prepared meals. The casual conversation we shared taught me what it was really like to live in each place, not just visit it. And that's part of the reason we travel, yes? Not just to see new sights or recline on a beach, but to understand what it's like to live somewhere else, or be someone else.
In these tough economic times, it might be hard to take an international trip. However, that shouldn't stop you from trying new cultures. Chinatown is just a few subway stops away. The North End too. I'm sure you have friends whose families still hold onto their "ethnic" heritages, or maybe you can make a new friend - my office frequently has visiting staff members from abroad.
The point is, food is more than just nourishment - it's a way to learn about something outside of yourself. Perhaps if all of our world leaders broke bread together, we'd all get along just a little bit better.
Nathan, his wife, and his youngest son, who is making a goofy face at the flash.Related Posts: India Vogue: The haves and the have nots; 10,000 reasons to buy; Food Banks and Food Pantries in Massachusetts; Patio gardens & City growing; Find local food locally; Fruit in the city
Photos are from my trip to India.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Too busy to volunteer?
I had the opportunity to speak to a few people at our Strikes For Shelter event on their thoughts about volunteering; what had brought them to the event, why they volunteered, or conversely (and maybe more importantly), what kept them from volunteering.
It's no surprise that volunteering in Boston isn't the strongest--new data shows that fact. So what is it that keeps people away?
Time. That's the most common lament, that we simply don't have enough time. Certainly, work, school, significant others, friends, etc. all take legitimate time from our schedule and we can't and don't want to give those things up. As one person said, "I don't have the time, but I'll make the time [for things I shouldn't be doing]." And I'm guilty as the next person in making some things priorities that probably shouldn't be--do I really need to catch the season of Top Chef? Do I really care about that obscure college basketball game? Even one opportunity I recently learned about would be a great way to start the weekend before meeting up with friends on a Friday night.
Passion. Sometimes not having an issue to rally around keeps people at bay. Truthfully, if you really want to participate in something, the barriers don't seem as big. But not being focused on one issue can also be an asset in volunteering. There are so many organizations that need help and are looking for it, so if you don't have one issue you really care about, take the opportunity to involve yourself in a broad swath of nonprofits--from tutoring students to spending time with senior citizens. Some organizations look for a long term commitment, but not all. And who knows, maybe you will find that cause that really gets you going.
Opportunities. And sometimes you have the time, and you have the desire, but volunteering still doesn't happen. For me, I've struggled finding chances to get involved even though I've made time and knew what I wanted to get involved in. There are resources however (these are just a sampling): Boston Cares is a nonprofit which coordinates willing volunteers with an assortment of projects across Boston. Idealist.org is also another resource with a ton of information and opportunities from across the nation. And of course, OYFP can be a resource to you as well: Coming up on March 5, a number of organizations will get together to network and discuss their volunteer opportunities at the Spirit of Service event. But don't forget about your friends--and don't assume that because they don't talk about volunteering, they aren't doing it. Ask around--see what people are doing and tag along. And if your immediate circle of friends isn't actively involved, ask friends of friends, people at work, and family. Chances are you'll come into contact with someone who volunteers and they will be an excellent resource for opportunities you can become a part of.
So, that's enough from me. But what about you? Are you volunteering? If so, what's gotten you involved, and what's keeping you there? And if not, what's stopping you? Is it one of the three reasons above, or is it something else? Either way, let us know by leaving a comment--we'd like to hear from you.
Have a nice weekend!
It's no surprise that volunteering in Boston isn't the strongest--new data shows that fact. So what is it that keeps people away?
Time. That's the most common lament, that we simply don't have enough time. Certainly, work, school, significant others, friends, etc. all take legitimate time from our schedule and we can't and don't want to give those things up. As one person said, "I don't have the time, but I'll make the time [for things I shouldn't be doing]." And I'm guilty as the next person in making some things priorities that probably shouldn't be--do I really need to catch the season of Top Chef? Do I really care about that obscure college basketball game? Even one opportunity I recently learned about would be a great way to start the weekend before meeting up with friends on a Friday night.
Passion. Sometimes not having an issue to rally around keeps people at bay. Truthfully, if you really want to participate in something, the barriers don't seem as big. But not being focused on one issue can also be an asset in volunteering. There are so many organizations that need help and are looking for it, so if you don't have one issue you really care about, take the opportunity to involve yourself in a broad swath of nonprofits--from tutoring students to spending time with senior citizens. Some organizations look for a long term commitment, but not all. And who knows, maybe you will find that cause that really gets you going.
Opportunities. And sometimes you have the time, and you have the desire, but volunteering still doesn't happen. For me, I've struggled finding chances to get involved even though I've made time and knew what I wanted to get involved in. There are resources however (these are just a sampling): Boston Cares is a nonprofit which coordinates willing volunteers with an assortment of projects across Boston. Idealist.org is also another resource with a ton of information and opportunities from across the nation. And of course, OYFP can be a resource to you as well: Coming up on March 5, a number of organizations will get together to network and discuss their volunteer opportunities at the Spirit of Service event. But don't forget about your friends--and don't assume that because they don't talk about volunteering, they aren't doing it. Ask around--see what people are doing and tag along. And if your immediate circle of friends isn't actively involved, ask friends of friends, people at work, and family. Chances are you'll come into contact with someone who volunteers and they will be an excellent resource for opportunities you can become a part of.
So, that's enough from me. But what about you? Are you volunteering? If so, what's gotten you involved, and what's keeping you there? And if not, what's stopping you? Is it one of the three reasons above, or is it something else? Either way, let us know by leaving a comment--we'd like to hear from you.
Have a nice weekend!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
1 week of radiation finished... 1 more nail gone!
Its been an interesting week. So far, radiation therapy is pretty boring. I hear that it will get rather painful as the days and weeks go on. We'll see. I'll say this... I am really not feeling my radiation oncologist. She lacks some personality -- and so does more than a few of her staff members. They are rather... um... arrogant. I will say this, I haven't been my normal "meet new people" perky self. Basically because I am FREAKING SICK of cancer. Stupid cancer... anyhoo before I go off on a tangent. I'm not feeling radiation at all. But eh... whatcha gonna do? Cry?
Let me tell you about my new gross experience.
Another fingernail came off last night. (shaking my head) I just don't know if I'm ever going to get used to this. And its only been 2 nails so far -- that means that I have to go through this crap 8 more times. Dang. So I was sitting in the tub -- getting my Epsom salt soak on. I was actually trying not to get my hands wet for too long because each finger is in a different level of peeling off and I was worried about getting water trapped between the nails and my naked nail bed. But I did need the finger nails to soften a bit so I could clip them down (I have to keep them clipped very close so that they don't snag on anything or scratch me). At any rate, when I was towelling dry -- I felt this pinch/tug on my right index finger. And bam! there it was... my poor little fingernail hanging on to the side of my finger. Looking right pitiful if I must say. I clipped it off and studied the finger for awhile. Like my right thumb nail, the nail underneath had only grown out to cover half of the nail bed. (shaking my head again)
All of my nails are in bad shape. Only 6 of them are so bad that they require daily/constant bandages so that I can function. I have one fingernail that is really trying to come off but the nail underneath ain't ready and its holding on to the sides of my finger rather fiercely. That sucka hurts! Man... its funny to me that I pop tylenol because my fingers hurt. I mean... seriously? Dang. Anyhoo... that's the latest gross-ness.
My peachfuzz on my scalp is still coming in. I'm excited. Its a bit patchy but shooot... I do not care. I can recall the horror I felt when I first started going to the cancer center for chemo. Looking around at the stages of baldness that some of the women were going through was frightening. I even told my girlfriend Tiffani that it would be her job to make sure that I never looked like this one patient I named "Tweety Bird". This poor lady (and she was so very nice)... had this really odd cotton-candy-ish bush on her head. It looked crazy. I mean... CA-RA-ZEEEE! Her 'fro needed some real attention. But she seemed real cool with it. I could not understand it for the life of me.
I started this journey fiercely determined not to lose myself, not to become "one of them" -- the "cancer victims". I was gonna stay fly, stay happy, stay me... no matter what.
Um... yeah.
I think that lasted through maybe 2 rounds of chemo and then suddenly I didn't have enough energy to care. I knew I wasn't looking as cute as I believe I am -- but there really was nothing I could do about it. Y'all remember how I fretted about wearing a wig? I still haven't worn one in public yet. I can only keep one on my head at home for about 1 minute. Wigs are so hot... I dunno how I'm going to make it y'all. I mean, looking at my fuzzy scalp right now, I can envision some real raggedy days ahead. I will be returning to work soon and I don't think I'll be able to tolerate the stares of strangers in the regular world. (that would be the world NOT affiliated with GW Hospital...lol)
I'll keep you posted about what I decide to do about this scalp of mine. I want to see what my hair looks like when it grows back. But I have to figure out how to keep it cute in the meantime.
Before I go... I have to share that I bought a book from http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com (well, actually 3 books) that I highly recommend to anyone going through this. The first is actually a book for breast cancer husbands (boyfriends, partners, etc.) and it is written by a man who's wife had breast cancer. I've been struggling to understand how the men in my life are dealing with my illness. I know that for my dad it is really hard. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I know that its hard for my cousins and my godbrother and really hard on my boyfriend. I know its hard for my male buddies too. I do not speak "man-language" very well at all. I can hear what they say but have no idea what they mean. So, when I was looking for books last weekend, this one really stood out for me. I just started the book and already its really interesting and helpful.
The name of the book is "Breast Cancer Husband: How to help your wife (and yourself) through diagnosis, treatment and beyond" http://www.breastcancerhusband.com/. Here's the http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com link .
If you are a guy with a wife, sister, daughter, girlfriend, etc. who has been diagnosed with breast cancer -- get this book. It is well-written, direct and to the point. Its not sappy (not a girlie book in anyway) and you may find it interesting. Now, if you're a woman with breast cancer or have a woman close to you with it -- pick up this book to understand what the men in your life are dealing with.
Its hard on them too. And while I knew that, I think that I forgot that for a little while. Its hard to have cancer. But its got to be harder to love someone with cancer. As helpless as I feel... I can only imagine that its 100x worse for the men in my life. But I'm gonna read this book this weekend and try to get a better understanding of what they are feeling (if I can) and I'll pass it on if any of the men in my life want to read this. (I suspect though, that none of them will have the time or the inclination to do so...lol)
The second book is a book of exercises and stretches and the final book is a cancer devotional. I know... seems strange. But cancer is such a common disease that two Christian women -- both cancer survivors -- decided that a book of devotions (with scriptures) was missing from the vast marketplace of books on cancer. And so far, they were right.
Praying through cancer: Set your heart free from fear by Susan Sorensen and Laura Geist
Recovering from breast surgery: exercises to strengthen your body and relieve pain
That last book is wonderful because my left arm is still not as mobile as it was prior to my surgery. I wish someone had recommended it to me BEFORE I had surgery. But, I have it now and I'll be doing my exercises to get my arm back. :)
That's it for tonight.
Let me tell you about my new gross experience.
Another fingernail came off last night. (shaking my head) I just don't know if I'm ever going to get used to this. And its only been 2 nails so far -- that means that I have to go through this crap 8 more times. Dang. So I was sitting in the tub -- getting my Epsom salt soak on. I was actually trying not to get my hands wet for too long because each finger is in a different level of peeling off and I was worried about getting water trapped between the nails and my naked nail bed. But I did need the finger nails to soften a bit so I could clip them down (I have to keep them clipped very close so that they don't snag on anything or scratch me). At any rate, when I was towelling dry -- I felt this pinch/tug on my right index finger. And bam! there it was... my poor little fingernail hanging on to the side of my finger. Looking right pitiful if I must say. I clipped it off and studied the finger for awhile. Like my right thumb nail, the nail underneath had only grown out to cover half of the nail bed. (shaking my head again)
All of my nails are in bad shape. Only 6 of them are so bad that they require daily/constant bandages so that I can function. I have one fingernail that is really trying to come off but the nail underneath ain't ready and its holding on to the sides of my finger rather fiercely. That sucka hurts! Man... its funny to me that I pop tylenol because my fingers hurt. I mean... seriously? Dang. Anyhoo... that's the latest gross-ness.
My peachfuzz on my scalp is still coming in. I'm excited. Its a bit patchy but shooot... I do not care. I can recall the horror I felt when I first started going to the cancer center for chemo. Looking around at the stages of baldness that some of the women were going through was frightening. I even told my girlfriend Tiffani that it would be her job to make sure that I never looked like this one patient I named "Tweety Bird". This poor lady (and she was so very nice)... had this really odd cotton-candy-ish bush on her head. It looked crazy. I mean... CA-RA-ZEEEE! Her 'fro needed some real attention. But she seemed real cool with it. I could not understand it for the life of me.
I started this journey fiercely determined not to lose myself, not to become "one of them" -- the "cancer victims". I was gonna stay fly, stay happy, stay me... no matter what.
Um... yeah.
I think that lasted through maybe 2 rounds of chemo and then suddenly I didn't have enough energy to care. I knew I wasn't looking as cute as I believe I am -- but there really was nothing I could do about it. Y'all remember how I fretted about wearing a wig? I still haven't worn one in public yet. I can only keep one on my head at home for about 1 minute. Wigs are so hot... I dunno how I'm going to make it y'all. I mean, looking at my fuzzy scalp right now, I can envision some real raggedy days ahead. I will be returning to work soon and I don't think I'll be able to tolerate the stares of strangers in the regular world. (that would be the world NOT affiliated with GW Hospital...lol)
I'll keep you posted about what I decide to do about this scalp of mine. I want to see what my hair looks like when it grows back. But I have to figure out how to keep it cute in the meantime.
Before I go... I have to share that I bought a book from http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com (well, actually 3 books) that I highly recommend to anyone going through this. The first is actually a book for breast cancer husbands (boyfriends, partners, etc.) and it is written by a man who's wife had breast cancer. I've been struggling to understand how the men in my life are dealing with my illness. I know that for my dad it is really hard. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I know that its hard for my cousins and my godbrother and really hard on my boyfriend. I know its hard for my male buddies too. I do not speak "man-language" very well at all. I can hear what they say but have no idea what they mean. So, when I was looking for books last weekend, this one really stood out for me. I just started the book and already its really interesting and helpful.
The name of the book is "Breast Cancer Husband: How to help your wife (and yourself) through diagnosis, treatment and beyond" http://www.breastcancerhusband.com/. Here's the http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com link .
If you are a guy with a wife, sister, daughter, girlfriend, etc. who has been diagnosed with breast cancer -- get this book. It is well-written, direct and to the point. Its not sappy (not a girlie book in anyway) and you may find it interesting. Now, if you're a woman with breast cancer or have a woman close to you with it -- pick up this book to understand what the men in your life are dealing with.
Its hard on them too. And while I knew that, I think that I forgot that for a little while. Its hard to have cancer. But its got to be harder to love someone with cancer. As helpless as I feel... I can only imagine that its 100x worse for the men in my life. But I'm gonna read this book this weekend and try to get a better understanding of what they are feeling (if I can) and I'll pass it on if any of the men in my life want to read this. (I suspect though, that none of them will have the time or the inclination to do so...lol)
The second book is a book of exercises and stretches and the final book is a cancer devotional. I know... seems strange. But cancer is such a common disease that two Christian women -- both cancer survivors -- decided that a book of devotions (with scriptures) was missing from the vast marketplace of books on cancer. And so far, they were right.
Praying through cancer: Set your heart free from fear by Susan Sorensen and Laura Geist
Recovering from breast surgery: exercises to strengthen your body and relieve pain
That last book is wonderful because my left arm is still not as mobile as it was prior to my surgery. I wish someone had recommended it to me BEFORE I had surgery. But, I have it now and I'll be doing my exercises to get my arm back. :)
That's it for tonight.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Strikes for Shelter - Bowling Event Tomorrow
I'm willing to bet it's been a good long while since you picked up a bowling ball and chucked it down the aisle...I'm also willing to bet that in this cold Boston slump time we call winter, you've been brainstorming unique ways to get out of your house and keep your heart pumping until we see a little heat in these parts...
So, meet us at the Milky Way - a hip candle pin bowling alley in Jamaica Plain that's paired up with the tasty Bella Luna where I had a amazing
Monday, February 16, 2009
Great is your mercy towards me...
I have been grateful for this 3-day weekend. Although I did not spend it the way I wanted, with a special someone, I tried not to wallow in the misery of being alone for the entire weekend. I will be honest, I was sad, salty and bitter on Friday and some of Saturday. But something shifted yesterday and I accepted that sometimes ... whether you understand it or not ... sometimes you are meant to be by yourself. And a shift in attitude will make it feel less like punishment and more like a blessing.
I have had three days without going to the doctor. Woohoo! A very very tiny thing but a beautiful mercy for me. With my dad out of town for the weekend, my mom did not cook. Woohoo! Another mercy for me.
Let me clarify... my mother is a great cook but honestly, most days I could really survive (and be happy too) with a bowl of cereal or a grilled cheese sandwich. My appetite just isn't what it used to be. So, three days where I could indulge in sandwiches, hot dogs, cereal, pancakes... was beautiful. (reminded me of living alone... where you ate what you wanted, when you wanted and NOBODY said a word to you -- that is a good feeling y'all) I miss living alone. :)
I didn't do anything spectacular this weekend. Pouted a bit like I said -- I have to say that I absolutely DETEST spending Valentine's day alone. I know that many people don't like the holiday, don't believe in it and all that but I love it because I love what it stands for. Yes, it may be a "made up" holiday but seriously... they all are. Someone at some point in time decided that it was a good idea to honor a specific concept or person and then they convinced others of the importance of this celebratory honor until... tada! We have a holiday. What frustrates me about all the Valentine's day backlash is the absurd belief that you can only celebrate the day by spending tons of money and/or being commercial with your expression. Hello?? You can do whatever you want -- its about you and your special loved one(s) and no one else. Just like you have the option to create the type of Christmas (if you celebrate) you want -- you can design your own Valentine's day celebration. SIGH... unless the person/people you want to celebrate with refuse to. Then... you're in my boat. Excited but alone. By the way... I'm the only person at my house who loves Valentine's day. My parents could not care less.
I meant to order myself some flowers but I could not make a decision on a bouquet that I liked so... I ordered some books and a few dvds from http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com.com instead. I spent the weekend watching sappy love stories and embracing all the corny stuff that I love about Valentine's day. It was cool. Helped me to release some of my frustration about being alone, and being home. I think next year I will take myself on a trip or a cruise -- and not even deal with the notion of expecting someone to enjoy and embrace what I love about the "love" holiday.
I've been listening to Donnie McClurkin for the past couple of days. Great is your mercy towards me... has been a balm to my restless spirit this weekend. One of the things I'm really hating/loathing/despising about cancer is how it makes me feel so weak. That weakness has challenged my faith. I know God is a healer. I know that God can do all things. Yet... I have cancer. Maybe its because I don't understand "why" I have cancer, that I feel so slightly removed from God. I don't doubt that He loves me, I just don't understand this trial. It could be worse, I know. But it could also be so much better. (been digging up some Sam Cooke too) I have complained and whined and danced and cried and fretted and smiled... through this whole process. But no matter how sad I may be at any given moment, God has been so merciful towards me and my family and I am grateful for that.
I have had three days without going to the doctor. Woohoo! A very very tiny thing but a beautiful mercy for me. With my dad out of town for the weekend, my mom did not cook. Woohoo! Another mercy for me.
Let me clarify... my mother is a great cook but honestly, most days I could really survive (and be happy too) with a bowl of cereal or a grilled cheese sandwich. My appetite just isn't what it used to be. So, three days where I could indulge in sandwiches, hot dogs, cereal, pancakes... was beautiful. (reminded me of living alone... where you ate what you wanted, when you wanted and NOBODY said a word to you -- that is a good feeling y'all) I miss living alone. :)
I didn't do anything spectacular this weekend. Pouted a bit like I said -- I have to say that I absolutely DETEST spending Valentine's day alone. I know that many people don't like the holiday, don't believe in it and all that but I love it because I love what it stands for. Yes, it may be a "made up" holiday but seriously... they all are. Someone at some point in time decided that it was a good idea to honor a specific concept or person and then they convinced others of the importance of this celebratory honor until... tada! We have a holiday. What frustrates me about all the Valentine's day backlash is the absurd belief that you can only celebrate the day by spending tons of money and/or being commercial with your expression. Hello?? You can do whatever you want -- its about you and your special loved one(s) and no one else. Just like you have the option to create the type of Christmas (if you celebrate) you want -- you can design your own Valentine's day celebration. SIGH... unless the person/people you want to celebrate with refuse to. Then... you're in my boat. Excited but alone. By the way... I'm the only person at my house who loves Valentine's day. My parents could not care less.
I meant to order myself some flowers but I could not make a decision on a bouquet that I liked so... I ordered some books and a few dvds from http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com.com instead. I spent the weekend watching sappy love stories and embracing all the corny stuff that I love about Valentine's day. It was cool. Helped me to release some of my frustration about being alone, and being home. I think next year I will take myself on a trip or a cruise -- and not even deal with the notion of expecting someone to enjoy and embrace what I love about the "love" holiday.
I've been listening to Donnie McClurkin for the past couple of days. Great is your mercy towards me... has been a balm to my restless spirit this weekend. One of the things I'm really hating/loathing/despising about cancer is how it makes me feel so weak. That weakness has challenged my faith. I know God is a healer. I know that God can do all things. Yet... I have cancer. Maybe its because I don't understand "why" I have cancer, that I feel so slightly removed from God. I don't doubt that He loves me, I just don't understand this trial. It could be worse, I know. But it could also be so much better. (been digging up some Sam Cooke too) I have complained and whined and danced and cried and fretted and smiled... through this whole process. But no matter how sad I may be at any given moment, God has been so merciful towards me and my family and I am grateful for that.
Tomorrow I resume my radiation treatment and I'm going to work on stretching my left arm more today so that its not quite as tight. I found some books on stretching and exercises for breast cancer patients so I'm looking forward to working out the kinks and getting myself together. I am ready to go back to work, to get back out in the world again. I'm planning to go to Miami in May to celebrate my birthday and I want to start looking for vacation clothing. I am really hoping that nothing comes up that keeps me from celebrating my birthday with this trip.
I feel the urge for a bowl of honey nut cheerios... woo hoo!! Little things, make me so happy. I will definitely take that lesson with me after this ordeal is over. Being single has often felt like a curse but being unable to do what you want, move as you please has definitely shown me that being single is a major blessing...
Great is your mercy towards me
Your loving kindness towards me
Your tender mercies I seek
Day after day...
Forever faithful towards me
Always providing for me
Great is your mercy towards me
Great is your grace...
Friday, February 13, 2009
They keep drawing on me....
Well, I've had two sessions of radiation treatment so far. What can I say? Eh... they lay me down on this narrow table/bed, force my left arm up over my head in a way that ... well, hurts. And it makes me cry because I have to hold it that way for about 20-30 minutes. The pain isn't unbearable actually. But the fact that it hurts, when I know that it didn't just a few weeks ago... upsets me. They these machines rotate around me. I guess they are taking pictures or shooting light into me -- I see nothing at all so I have to trust that what they say is happening, is really happening. (its weird)
When I went to see my surgeon the other day, I mentioned the lack of mobility of my arm and he referred me to a physical therapist.
sigh...
I simply DO NOT WANT TO GO TO ONE MORE DAMN DOCTOR.
First of all... I can't even imagine when I could make it happen. I go to radiation treatment EVERY DAY in the middle of the day. Every third week, I have my herceptin infusion -- that takes about 2 hours or so. Right now, having cancer is like my full-time job. I haven't called the therapist yet because I swear I just can't imagine trying to squeeze one more damn thing on my calendar but... not being able to lift my arm above my head without wincing is not going to work.
Let's talk about some good changes...
1. The skin on the palms of my hands and the bottom of my feet has returned to his normal color. (yay!!) I no longer look like some kid colored me and failed to switch crayons. :) I just realized the other day that my palms look the way they used to. My feet aren't totally back but they are well on their way.
2. I have fuzz on my scalp. I can't really say that I have hair because it really is fuzz and you have to look really closely to even notice it. But I have FUZZ! (yay!!)
3. My tastebuds are back. I can eat whatever I want and taste all of it. I can even drink some liquor and its cool. :) (yay!)
4. My eyebrows -- well, that's interesting -- they are filling in. Its weird because my eyebrows actually held on all through my chemotherapy. They stayed in shape and looked pretty good actually. But since my fuzz started coming in -- so has some fuzz on my eyebrows and it seems to have pushed out my dark eyebrow hairs. (I'm not describing this well...) Its very faint there now -- and my natural eyebrows have no shape at all so I'm not quite sure what to do. I can't arch them yet -- not enough hair -- but they are going to look real scraggly very soon. All in all, its a good sign to see some hair growth there.
5. My scar has pretty much healed. That is also a little interesting. It looks weird and it feels weird. I have this odd lump under my arm that my surgeon says is normal but I don't quite get it. He told me to expect more changes with my breast, some changes from the natural healing process and some changes from the radiation treatments.
I can see changes in my body... and although I am still dealing with various chemotherapy side effects, like my nails falling off/lifting off my nailbeds... the small positive changes are good. My energy is better but definitely not great. I think I will have to figure out how to start exercising a little bit because I need my energy to come up very soon. I want my life back and I can't get it from my bed. :)
I'm still dropping pounds, which bothers me. Not that I can't afford to lose some weight but because now I'm afraid of losing my belly. (how's that for a hoot?) My new breast will be crafted from my belly fat (so amazing) but if I lose the belly fat then I'll probably have to get an implant. And I really don't want that. I don't have a huge appetite right now, so when I do eat, I make sure to eat high calorie foods. Lucky girl I am.
I got a copy of the pathology report from my surgery the other day and it has really given me the blues. One, I don't fully understand it. Two, the technician who completed it called my skin "wrinkled tan brown skin" which for some unknown reason has annoyed me deeply. Of course its wrinkled, its no longer on my body... ugh. Three, there's no mention of cancer anywhere on the report. And while that is a good thing, I keep having this reccuring thought that this whole cancer deal was a big mistake. So, I need to see in black and white somewhere that YES, Nicole Valencia had cancer. Well, I take that back, there is one mention on this report but that's all. And that's in my lymph nodes -- it mentions no carcinoma found.
The report mentions some large white (I think) fibrous masses in my breast tissue but it says nothing about cancer in those masses. I am assuming that those were the tumors but I don't know that they were and I don't understand why they were still there if the chemotherapy did its job. I am taking my copy of the report with me to my chemo/infusion appointment on Tuesday so I can harass my oncologist to explain to me exactly what happened in my body. I thought that when they told me that the chemotherapy shrunk my tumors that they disappeared. But if the path report shows fibrous masses, I want to know what they are.
I am still having difficulty believing that I am going through any of this. I know that may seem weird but honestly, even though I've been through so much these past few months... none of this seems real. I still feel like I'm sleepwalking, dreaming or fantasizing. I mean, I'm me... I can't have cancer. But I do. And I have the bills to prove it.
There is so much life I still want to experience and I am hopeful that once all of this is over, I can get back to it. Like buying my first house, having (or adopting a child)... maybe I'll find a husband in all of the madness too. Or maybe I'll just get a cat and try to make that work for me as a love outlet. :) I still want to go to South Africa (and maybe even look for a job there too, I dunno).
Oh!! I just realized that my subject line doesn't make sense. Haha. I have to tell you that when I'm in radiation (at least these past two times) the technicians/therapists keep drawing on me. They have used about three or four different markers on my skin... drawing lines and dots on my neck, breast, tummy... its the weirdest thing to me. I meant to ask them today if they plan to write on my body every visit. Not that it really matters I suppose, if washing off magic marker everyday is part of the process -- I suppose I'll handle that too. But wow... they keep writing on me. (gas face)
Constant, yet small indignities...
I need some flowers in my life. I think I'll order myself some roses to cheer me up.
Have a happy valentine's day everybody. I'm spending mine stretching out my arm and hoping that my mood lightens. How are you spending yours?
~Nic
When I went to see my surgeon the other day, I mentioned the lack of mobility of my arm and he referred me to a physical therapist.
sigh...
I simply DO NOT WANT TO GO TO ONE MORE DAMN DOCTOR.
First of all... I can't even imagine when I could make it happen. I go to radiation treatment EVERY DAY in the middle of the day. Every third week, I have my herceptin infusion -- that takes about 2 hours or so. Right now, having cancer is like my full-time job. I haven't called the therapist yet because I swear I just can't imagine trying to squeeze one more damn thing on my calendar but... not being able to lift my arm above my head without wincing is not going to work.
Let's talk about some good changes...
1. The skin on the palms of my hands and the bottom of my feet has returned to his normal color. (yay!!) I no longer look like some kid colored me and failed to switch crayons. :) I just realized the other day that my palms look the way they used to. My feet aren't totally back but they are well on their way.
2. I have fuzz on my scalp. I can't really say that I have hair because it really is fuzz and you have to look really closely to even notice it. But I have FUZZ! (yay!!)
3. My tastebuds are back. I can eat whatever I want and taste all of it. I can even drink some liquor and its cool. :) (yay!)
4. My eyebrows -- well, that's interesting -- they are filling in. Its weird because my eyebrows actually held on all through my chemotherapy. They stayed in shape and looked pretty good actually. But since my fuzz started coming in -- so has some fuzz on my eyebrows and it seems to have pushed out my dark eyebrow hairs. (I'm not describing this well...) Its very faint there now -- and my natural eyebrows have no shape at all so I'm not quite sure what to do. I can't arch them yet -- not enough hair -- but they are going to look real scraggly very soon. All in all, its a good sign to see some hair growth there.
5. My scar has pretty much healed. That is also a little interesting. It looks weird and it feels weird. I have this odd lump under my arm that my surgeon says is normal but I don't quite get it. He told me to expect more changes with my breast, some changes from the natural healing process and some changes from the radiation treatments.
I can see changes in my body... and although I am still dealing with various chemotherapy side effects, like my nails falling off/lifting off my nailbeds... the small positive changes are good. My energy is better but definitely not great. I think I will have to figure out how to start exercising a little bit because I need my energy to come up very soon. I want my life back and I can't get it from my bed. :)
I'm still dropping pounds, which bothers me. Not that I can't afford to lose some weight but because now I'm afraid of losing my belly. (how's that for a hoot?) My new breast will be crafted from my belly fat (so amazing) but if I lose the belly fat then I'll probably have to get an implant. And I really don't want that. I don't have a huge appetite right now, so when I do eat, I make sure to eat high calorie foods. Lucky girl I am.
I got a copy of the pathology report from my surgery the other day and it has really given me the blues. One, I don't fully understand it. Two, the technician who completed it called my skin "wrinkled tan brown skin" which for some unknown reason has annoyed me deeply. Of course its wrinkled, its no longer on my body... ugh. Three, there's no mention of cancer anywhere on the report. And while that is a good thing, I keep having this reccuring thought that this whole cancer deal was a big mistake. So, I need to see in black and white somewhere that YES, Nicole Valencia had cancer. Well, I take that back, there is one mention on this report but that's all. And that's in my lymph nodes -- it mentions no carcinoma found.
The report mentions some large white (I think) fibrous masses in my breast tissue but it says nothing about cancer in those masses. I am assuming that those were the tumors but I don't know that they were and I don't understand why they were still there if the chemotherapy did its job. I am taking my copy of the report with me to my chemo/infusion appointment on Tuesday so I can harass my oncologist to explain to me exactly what happened in my body. I thought that when they told me that the chemotherapy shrunk my tumors that they disappeared. But if the path report shows fibrous masses, I want to know what they are.
I am still having difficulty believing that I am going through any of this. I know that may seem weird but honestly, even though I've been through so much these past few months... none of this seems real. I still feel like I'm sleepwalking, dreaming or fantasizing. I mean, I'm me... I can't have cancer. But I do. And I have the bills to prove it.
There is so much life I still want to experience and I am hopeful that once all of this is over, I can get back to it. Like buying my first house, having (or adopting a child)... maybe I'll find a husband in all of the madness too. Or maybe I'll just get a cat and try to make that work for me as a love outlet. :) I still want to go to South Africa (and maybe even look for a job there too, I dunno).
Oh!! I just realized that my subject line doesn't make sense. Haha. I have to tell you that when I'm in radiation (at least these past two times) the technicians/therapists keep drawing on me. They have used about three or four different markers on my skin... drawing lines and dots on my neck, breast, tummy... its the weirdest thing to me. I meant to ask them today if they plan to write on my body every visit. Not that it really matters I suppose, if washing off magic marker everyday is part of the process -- I suppose I'll handle that too. But wow... they keep writing on me. (gas face)
Constant, yet small indignities...
I need some flowers in my life. I think I'll order myself some roses to cheer me up.
Have a happy valentine's day everybody. I'm spending mine stretching out my arm and hoping that my mood lightens. How are you spending yours?
~Nic
OYFP Works.
People volunteer for many reasons, sometimes it is to make connections, or to give back, or to learn new skills, or sometimes its just to meet new people.
I volunteer because I'm selfish.
I give my time, talents and treasures because I want better, a better community and a better neighbor.
I'm concerned with my own welfare and just as a rising tide lifts all boats, lending a hammer or an hand leads to a better community.
Its not always easy to volunteer, all too often its hard work. This is one thing we're trying to change with the Spirit of Service event on March 5.
Tonight, I'm walking the walk, I'm pitching in at Friday Night Suppers. I'll let you know how it goes.
About the picture: Built in 1897 on Boston Common, the Robert Gould Shaw Memorial depicts Colonel Shaw on horseback leading the Massachusetts 54th Regiment, the first all-volunteer black regiment in the Union army organized in a Northern state. The story of the 54th Massachusetts was made into the 1989 feature film, Glory, starring Morgan Freedman, Denzel Washington and Matthew Broderick. From: discoverblackheritage.com
I volunteer because I'm selfish.
I give my time, talents and treasures because I want better, a better community and a better neighbor.
I'm concerned with my own welfare and just as a rising tide lifts all boats, lending a hammer or an hand leads to a better community.
Its not always easy to volunteer, all too often its hard work. This is one thing we're trying to change with the Spirit of Service event on March 5.
Tonight, I'm walking the walk, I'm pitching in at Friday Night Suppers. I'll let you know how it goes.
About the picture: Built in 1897 on Boston Common, the Robert Gould Shaw Memorial depicts Colonel Shaw on horseback leading the Massachusetts 54th Regiment, the first all-volunteer black regiment in the Union army organized in a Northern state. The story of the 54th Massachusetts was made into the 1989 feature film, Glory, starring Morgan Freedman, Denzel Washington and Matthew Broderick. From: discoverblackheritage.com
TGIF- How to solve our economic problems
In this tough economic times, it is diffucult to be happy, but you still need to take time to laugh. So to help give your day some laughter, may I present John Hodgman's way of solving the economic crisis.
Related Posts: Volunteer Boston: Get On Your Feet: Who is Happier?, Penny Pinchin' Times
Related Posts: Volunteer Boston: Get On Your Feet: Who is Happier?, Penny Pinchin' Times
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Fresh Air Fund Job Opportunities
Read on for summer job opportunities with the Fresh Air Fund.
The Fresh Air Fund, “an independent, not-for-profit agency, has provided free summer vacations to more than 1.7 million New York City children from low-income communities since 1877. Nearly 10,000 New York City children enjoy free Fresh Air Fund programs annually. In 2008, close to 5,000 children visited volunteer host families in suburbs and small town communities across 13 states from Virginia to Maine and Canada. 3,000 children also attended five Fresh Air camps on a 2,300-acre site in Fishkill, New York. The Fund’s year-round camping program serves an additional 2,000 young people each year.”
The Fresh Air Fund is accepting applications for summer 2009 camp counselors. Fresh Air Fund is looking for college-aged individuals who like working with children. If you want to be a part of their 133rd summer serving children...start here.
For more information contact Sara Wilson, The Fresh Air Fund, sara@freshair.org.
The Fresh Air Fund, “an independent, not-for-profit agency, has provided free summer vacations to more than 1.7 million New York City children from low-income communities since 1877. Nearly 10,000 New York City children enjoy free Fresh Air Fund programs annually. In 2008, close to 5,000 children visited volunteer host families in suburbs and small town communities across 13 states from Virginia to Maine and Canada. 3,000 children also attended five Fresh Air camps on a 2,300-acre site in Fishkill, New York. The Fund’s year-round camping program serves an additional 2,000 young people each year.”
The Fresh Air Fund is accepting applications for summer 2009 camp counselors. Fresh Air Fund is looking for college-aged individuals who like working with children. If you want to be a part of their 133rd summer serving children...start here.
For more information contact Sara Wilson, The Fresh Air Fund, sara@freshair.org.
Friday, February 6, 2009
The Gift that Keeps on Giving... Solar Power
Recently for my birthday, my honey gave me this device shown here. It is a Hybrid Charger that uses solar power technology to power up your electronic devices(phone, mp3 player, 
laptop, etc.).
It's really simple to operate, you put a pen or pencil in the center of the device, face it to a window(south facing is best) and it will charge away. So while I was at work, I was storing energy from the sun to use on my electronic devices which I powered up when I was home at night. Talk about multi-tasking!
This is a really cool gift idea because it helps me reduce my use of energy in the house. This of course will save me money and reduce my carbon footprint on the world.
The other reason it is really cool gift idea is because it is an investment for green technology. Instead of receiving some new clothes (not needed, but I do have material desires after all) that would have been used for a couple of years until it was out of fashion and then donated to Goodwill. I received a gift that is a commitment to the future of our world. Hopefully these hybrid chargers will lead to new different green technology which will help us reduce our carbon footprints.
It is certainly going to help me become more green, which is something we all need to consider.
Have you received any cool new gadgets that support green technology?
Related Posts: Composting in an Apartment, The Greenest Generation, Public Transit in Seattle: Solar power!, Adding to the GridThursday, February 5, 2009
feeling like "the fly" over here...
Remember the movie "The Fly" with Jeff Goldblum? Came out in 1986 or so. There was a scene after he and the fly had merged, and he was going through his metamorphosis... where his nails were coming off. It was so gross... they just plucked off like they were never really attached to his fingers.
I'm feeling that way because last night, I nearly pulled off two fingernails in my sheets, while I was tossing and turning trying to sleep. My insomnia is back... and the hot flashes are still here... so my nights are really long. All of which combine to make Nic a bit of an emotional wreck these days.
Today was the planning visit for my radiation therapy. Basically, today they lined me up in the machine, marked and tattooed my body for the areas that they will radiate over the next two months. It wasn't painful -- well, except for having to hold my left arm over my head at an awkward angle. My range of motion is seriously limited since the surgery so, that was unpleasant but generally it wasn't so bad.
So... tell me why I cried through the whole process? The therapist thought I was in pain because my eyes were leaking... when it was just a build up of frustration I think. I didn't sleep much last night -- maybe an hour or so total (and that was stretched over the whole night, 20 mins here and there).
I am so tired of being sick. Of going to the doctor. Of being shoved into machines. Of wearing those tired gowns with the back open. I'm tired of showing all my goodies to the world -- so much so that I don't even blink anymore when a room full of people look at my bare chest. (shrug) I just don't care anymore. I am tired of prescription bottles and sweating all night. I'm tired of staring in mirrors so hard -- looking, wishing, hoping that I'm really seeing some hair growth. I'm tired of being so physically tired. Having no energy, barely able to walk down a hallway without getting winded. I'm tired of looking at my own walls all day every day. Hell... I'm even tired of cold weather. :)
I know that this is something I have to go through and I'm grateful that my illness wasn't worse. I'm not looking forward to going through surgery again for my breast reconstruction. But I really don't think I could go through the rest of my life with one breast. It really doesn't bother me too much right now to have one breast -- because things are still bandaged and stitched together... I'm still healing. But once these stitches dissolve/fall away... once my range of motion comes back (with exercise I learned today...) looking at that scar (the way it is today) would probably keep me in an emotional place that I don't think I will want to stay in. For that, I'm hopeful that the reconstruction will assist me in moving forward with my life.
I will always think of cancer, think of these days and months a certain way. But I won't always look like I look today. And I'm hoping that not looking a certain way will go a long way toward helping me feel whole -- and not like some science fiction creature that was created from two things. Like the fly was... half man, half insect. I'm feeling half woman, half illness.
I'm still not ready for a support group. Not quite yet. But I will probably be more ready once I've begun to push cancer farther into my background than it is today.
How am I feeling? Weird, to tell the truth. Mostly I can't really "feel" that I don't have a left breast anymore. Until I try to lay on my left side at night and the soreness reminds me that things are different. Emotionally, I'm still a mess sometimes. As the feeling comes back to the surgery area, its bringing a lot of emotions with it. At first, I didn't cry at all after the surgery. It was a very blank feeling afterwards. But a couple of days ago... the tears started to fall again. Just as little twinges of pain reminded me that I'm healing on the inside; a few tears reminded me that the emotional part of me is transforming too.
I miss parts of my life that I hope I can get back when I'm back up to speed. I miss coming and going as I please. I miss hanging out, going to nice restaurants, taking trips and so forth. I realized just how much of my life I took for granted -- ALL OF IT (including my fingernails) -- and I'm praying that I don't ever forget what any of this feels like. I mean, your fingernail are important. But who thinks of that when they are saying their prayers?
All in all... I guess I'm doing alright considering. Everyday is a new challenge and I'm just learning to go with the flow.
I'm feeling that way because last night, I nearly pulled off two fingernails in my sheets, while I was tossing and turning trying to sleep. My insomnia is back... and the hot flashes are still here... so my nights are really long. All of which combine to make Nic a bit of an emotional wreck these days.
Today was the planning visit for my radiation therapy. Basically, today they lined me up in the machine, marked and tattooed my body for the areas that they will radiate over the next two months. It wasn't painful -- well, except for having to hold my left arm over my head at an awkward angle. My range of motion is seriously limited since the surgery so, that was unpleasant but generally it wasn't so bad.
So... tell me why I cried through the whole process? The therapist thought I was in pain because my eyes were leaking... when it was just a build up of frustration I think. I didn't sleep much last night -- maybe an hour or so total (and that was stretched over the whole night, 20 mins here and there).
I am so tired of being sick. Of going to the doctor. Of being shoved into machines. Of wearing those tired gowns with the back open. I'm tired of showing all my goodies to the world -- so much so that I don't even blink anymore when a room full of people look at my bare chest. (shrug) I just don't care anymore. I am tired of prescription bottles and sweating all night. I'm tired of staring in mirrors so hard -- looking, wishing, hoping that I'm really seeing some hair growth. I'm tired of being so physically tired. Having no energy, barely able to walk down a hallway without getting winded. I'm tired of looking at my own walls all day every day. Hell... I'm even tired of cold weather. :)
I know that this is something I have to go through and I'm grateful that my illness wasn't worse. I'm not looking forward to going through surgery again for my breast reconstruction. But I really don't think I could go through the rest of my life with one breast. It really doesn't bother me too much right now to have one breast -- because things are still bandaged and stitched together... I'm still healing. But once these stitches dissolve/fall away... once my range of motion comes back (with exercise I learned today...) looking at that scar (the way it is today) would probably keep me in an emotional place that I don't think I will want to stay in. For that, I'm hopeful that the reconstruction will assist me in moving forward with my life.
I will always think of cancer, think of these days and months a certain way. But I won't always look like I look today. And I'm hoping that not looking a certain way will go a long way toward helping me feel whole -- and not like some science fiction creature that was created from two things. Like the fly was... half man, half insect. I'm feeling half woman, half illness.
I'm still not ready for a support group. Not quite yet. But I will probably be more ready once I've begun to push cancer farther into my background than it is today.
How am I feeling? Weird, to tell the truth. Mostly I can't really "feel" that I don't have a left breast anymore. Until I try to lay on my left side at night and the soreness reminds me that things are different. Emotionally, I'm still a mess sometimes. As the feeling comes back to the surgery area, its bringing a lot of emotions with it. At first, I didn't cry at all after the surgery. It was a very blank feeling afterwards. But a couple of days ago... the tears started to fall again. Just as little twinges of pain reminded me that I'm healing on the inside; a few tears reminded me that the emotional part of me is transforming too.
I miss parts of my life that I hope I can get back when I'm back up to speed. I miss coming and going as I please. I miss hanging out, going to nice restaurants, taking trips and so forth. I realized just how much of my life I took for granted -- ALL OF IT (including my fingernails) -- and I'm praying that I don't ever forget what any of this feels like. I mean, your fingernail are important. But who thinks of that when they are saying their prayers?
All in all... I guess I'm doing alright considering. Everyday is a new challenge and I'm just learning to go with the flow.
An Interview with a Real Live Winner
Tuesday night's Networking Night with BostonCares and OYFP was quite a success, despite the everlasting gosh danged snow. We raised a significant sum of money (well, at least I think it was significant, I haven't yet seen the totals), thanks in large part to the Brownstone bar's and all our attendees' generosity.
Two of those attendees were rewarded handsomely for their generosity, winning the raffle price of the evening. I sat down with one to get her thoughts on the big win.
Hi Raffle Winner #2, what's your name?
Berkley, like the street except without the extra "e"
And what did you win in the raffle?
I won a free loaf of Panera bread each month for 2009!
Have you ever won a prize like that before?
Not exactly...I won a hefty gift certificate to a cool restaurant at an OYFP event a few years ago, but never a food of the month prize that keeps on giving!
What is the coolest thing you have ever won?
in 1995 I won 'front row' tickets to the River Rave concert at what was then known as 'Great Woods'...turned out they were 26th row, but still pretty awesome.
But not as cool as a loaf a bread a month and knowing that your money all went to Friday Night Suppers, right?Of course not.
How are you planning on consuming your raffle prize?
Between a snack last night, toast for breakfast, and a hunk with soup for lunch today I am doing my best to eat the loaf I went home with! I am on a new mission to throw away ZERO food in 2009 (one day at a time) so any bread that I don't eat before it gets stale I will turn into breadcrumbs. I already have a mental list of all the Panera bread varieties I want to try.
That is a really great resolution. Not only will you save money by not throwing food away, but you'll also help our dear Mother Earth since resources won't be wasted just to go into a dump.
Yep. That's the idea.
What brought you to the BostonCares/OYFP Networking event tonight?
You, Casey :) also the promise of meeting new people and drinking a few beers to help a good cause.
Had you heard of Friday Night Supper previously?
I had not, but I want our group of friends to plan a night to volunteer (let's talk later).
Have you been to other OYFP or BostonCares events previously?
I have been to other OYFP events both social gatherings and volunteer events, but not BostonCares. Now I'm on their mailing list too, so I will probably attend more.
What are your thoughts on volunteering?
I really enjoy volunteering. In high school I was really active in that realm through my church, but I have found it difficult in adulthood to find opportunities that don't require full time commitment but allow you to feel like you are being helpful. I have recently inquired about volunteering at the Healthworks Foundation gym, hopefully they'll be able to use me once a week or so after work.
Anything else you would like to share with us?
I think most of us, especially if you are reading this blog, want to do more to 'help'. But sometimes it's hard to actually get involved. I think you should organize your friends, call up a homeless shelter and all go cook and serve dinner. It's an easy occasional commitment and you can really be helpful. There are obviously MANY other ways, but something like that is a good way to involved without a ton of commitment.
Thanks for your time, Berkley! (And I'll see you Sunday for our potluck.)
Related Posts: Happy Hour Benefit for Friday Night Supper; Find local food locally; CSAs Rock; Volunteering: Sara's Experience; Helping with a mullet; Helping a little old lady
Photo of Berkley courtesy of me, because I have known Berkley for almost 9 years. The photo of Friday Night Supper people came from the Friday Night Supper non-profit website.
Shepard Fairey - New ICA exhibit
The ICA has opened a new exhibition Shepard Fairey: Supply & Demand. I went there yesterday, and the different layers and materials he uses for his work are definitely something worth checking out.This is a first museum survey
of Shepard Fairey, the influential street artist who created the now iconic Obama poster, on the 20th anniversary of the Obey Giant campaign.
You probably have seen his work all around the city (commissioned to accompany his exhibit), it has appeared on street signs and buildings around the world.
Featuring over 80 works, Shepard Fairey: Supply & Demand traces the artist’s career over 20 years, from the Obey Giant stencil to screen prints of political revolutionaries and rock stars to recent mixed-media works.
So - I highly recommend you go see the exhibit while its still in town! And keep an eye out for a future OYFP charity event at the ICA...
of Shepard Fairey, the influential street artist who created the now iconic Obama poster, on the 20th anniversary of the Obey Giant campaign.You probably have seen his work all around the city (commissioned to accompany his exhibit), it has appeared on street signs and buildings around the world.
Featuring over 80 works, Shepard Fairey: Supply & Demand traces the artist’s career over 20 years, from the Obey Giant stencil to screen prints of political revolutionaries and rock stars to recent mixed-media works.
So - I highly recommend you go see the exhibit while its still in town! And keep an eye out for a future OYFP charity event at the ICA...
Related Posts: The 'other' First Friday; Clothing as self-expression; India Vogue: The haves and the have nots
Photos courtesy of the ICA.Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Spirit of Service
Please join the free Spirit of Service networking event on Thursday, March 5th at MJ O'Connor's, next to the Boston Park Plaza Hotel.
At this free networking event ORGANIZATIONS will:
- promote their cause and upcoming volunteer opportunities.
- vet young professionals for their advisory board and various committees.
- join, encourage, and promote an era of responsibility.
At this free networking event INDIVIDUALS will:
- discover opportunities for community involvement in Boston.
- meet other individuals of integrity and selflessness who embody the Spirit of Service.
- learn what it's like to join executive boards, advisory boards & young professional committees.
- join, encourage, and promote an era of responsibility.
This Spirit of Service event is an opportunity to make a commitment to our communities, an opportunity to get engaged, and an opportunity to help solve our most critical problems.
At this free networking event ORGANIZATIONS will:
- promote their cause and upcoming volunteer opportunities.
- vet young professionals for their advisory board and various committees.
- join, encourage, and promote an era of responsibility.
At this free networking event INDIVIDUALS will:
- discover opportunities for community involvement in Boston.
- meet other individuals of integrity and selflessness who embody the Spirit of Service.
- learn what it's like to join executive boards, advisory boards & young professional committees.
- join, encourage, and promote an era of responsibility.
This Spirit of Service event is an opportunity to make a commitment to our communities, an opportunity to get engaged, and an opportunity to help solve our most critical problems.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Support on Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day is coming up and it should be about the people we love. But we should also find the time to support those others who can't do that themselves.This Valentine's Day, add a cause to your circle of loves with the Allumonde charity ring.
The Allumonde charity ring shows your commitment to helping others. 19% of the proceeds goes to the charity of your choice and 2% goes to UNESCO (United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization).
Starting at $25, the ring comes in acrylic, stainless steel, titanium-coated stainless steel in gold and black, sterling silver and 18k gold. Order your ring at the Design21 website.
Every ring makes a difference!
Happy Hour Benefit for Friday Night Supper
Tomorrow, OYFP and Boston Cares are joining forces to provide support for Boston's Friday Night Supper Program, which provides nutritious, home-cooked meals to homeless and hungry people of Boston in a safe and dignified environment every Friday night.
Come out to Brownstone (111 Dartmouth Street) from 6-8PM for this benefit. Tickets are $20, that includes two drinks and appetizers. 100 percent of the ticket sales go to Friday Night Supper!
We have over 45 RSVP's on the Facebook page. Want to see who's going to be there?
Come out to Brownstone (111 Dartmouth Street) from 6-8PM for this benefit. Tickets are $20, that includes two drinks and appetizers. 100 percent of the ticket sales go to Friday Night Supper!
We have over 45 RSVP's on the Facebook page. Want to see who's going to be there?
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