I have taken to staring at myself intently every time I go to the bathroom. Since my chemotherapy began last September, I have definitely become more neurotic about studying the changes in my body caused by my treatment. However, even more perturbing is how I find myself unable to keep my eyes on my chest area -- especially when naked -- for too long. I'm uncomfortable with what I call... my two "me's".
I look like two different people split in half and spliced together. I've started to study the differences in the two sides of my chest. Partially so that I can be aware of my body movements and partially so that I can ...well, get over it.
I carry myself differently now, after the surgery than I did prior. I tend to carry my left arm in a more protective position across my body -- I never did that before. The baldness on that side of my chest makes me feel very vulnerable and a little afraid. It is a very visible and constant reminder of everything the last year has been about.
But it also shows me just how different my body looks with smaller breasts. And you know what? Its not horrible. (laughs) Well, let me clarify... I could not go through life with one breast. I know that some survivors do but I definitely could not do that. But I was really freaked out for a long time about how I would look with small(er) breasts and now I don't think it will be bad at all. If nothing else, my clothes should fit better. :)
Beyond that though, I am still searching for some peace with where I am in my treatment schedule. So, I stare. I force myself to take it all in for a few minutes at a time. Whenever I feel myself averting my eyes... I force myself to look at myself in the mirror and just hold it there for awhile. I start by looking at my face, looking at my "new" hair (I still don't know what to do with this mop)...and then I move to my shoulders and finally I rest on my chest. All of this takes about 5 minutes or less. But I know that getting comfortable with my body's image will help me in my relating with others and feeling more comfortable in my own skin.
I need that. I'm definitely coming along with my comfort level in my skin, in my clothes and when relating to others. But I know that I have some work to do.
I am still searching for a surgeon and a physical therapist. The appointment I had the other day with the PT didn't happen. She "forgot" I was there and left the office without seeing me. As you can guess, that left a really bad taste in my mouth and I am not trying to see her again.
I have been very diligent these past few days about massaging my arm, keeping it elevated above my heart and drinking lots of water to keep the fluid in my body moving. And I've definitely noticed a difference. My arm isn't as heavy and seems to be a bit less swollen so I think I'm on the right track. That is a huge relief for me since finding a physical therapist is proving to be a challenge. I will also be trying a massage that is designed for cancer patients as well. I've never had a professional massage in my life so I have no idea what to expect. The biggest problem is scheduling the massage. The school that performs the service only does cancer patients one day a week and I can't schedule it too close to my chemotherapy day. Its been a nightmare but I'm keeping my hopes up that it will work out and I'll get it done, at least once.
One thing I am noticing that I am struggling with is all this scheduling and appointment making. Its TIRESOME. I'm on the phone, on the internet, or en route to or from an appointment all the time. Its like a damn job. Go here, go there, call him, call her... blah blah blah blah. Ugh.
But I suppose the beauty is that I'm alive to even have the concern. All in all... this past year has been heavy. Hard, difficult, annoying, scary, frustrating... all of that. My cancer-versary was last Thursday. July 30th, 2008 was when I learned that I had cancer. I just spent a few moments re-reading those posts from the early days. Man, was I sad and angry. I am less sad -- but I do have my moments -- and I am still VERY VERY angry but I can contain it better. I suppose I am coming into a good groove in dealing with my cancer.
I wanted to do something special for myself to celebrate that its a year later and I'm still here. But it really didn't happen. Pretty much, nothing happened. I didn't order flowers for myself, or chocolate-dipped strawberries. I didn't buy a new dress or a new purse or even a new book. These are all things that I've done over the course of the past year at different points to perk up my spirits but I did none of the above last week.
I did nothing. (shrug) The reasons are various, including... my pockets are flat and my paycheck was short. (shrug) Nothing sprang to mind as something that would really bring a smile to my face. But I am still thinking of ways to celebrate my cancer-versary. If you can think of something nice and relatively inexpensive, let me know. Maybe something will "click" for me and make it feel better to have spent the last year of my life trying to beat cancer.
This week is chemo week (Wednesday) and an appointment to see Dr. S. Haven't seen him in a few weeks, so we get to check in and see how things are going. That means a LONG day at the cancer center on Wednesday. :) Yay, me.
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