Tomorrow is chemo day.
Its been nearly a year since the first time I had my port accessed and my body was flooded with medicine for hours. And while it has gotten easier to deal with this part of my treatment, its still unsettling and nerve-inducing. But, anxiety aside... tomorrow is chemo day. Gotta suck it up and keep it moving.
There are days when I don't want to share my thoughts and feelings about this journey. Dark thoughts and scary dreams still dog my mind. They don't happen everyday, but they happen enough that I continue to have to work at keeping myself upbeat and grateful. Sharing my feelings (especially when they are deeply sad or frustrating) is difficult because this journey is hard and I want it to be easier for the next person. I don't want to frighten anyone -- at least not anymore than our media already does -- about dealing with breast cancer. But the path is what it is and it is not easy. Some days I am deeply sad and very discouraged and that's just the truth of the matter.
Blogging about this experience has changed my life in ways I didn't imagine last August. I have made friends because of this blog. I have had my writings shared all across the internet because of this blog. I have reconnected with family and friends as well. What I haven't done... is become completely accustomed to being so open about all of my emotions.
There have been days when I was too tired of having cancer. Days where I wanted to be done with all of it. I mean, done. I have had days and nights where I cried so much that I wondered how the tears kept flowing.
I watched a repeat episode of Oprah today with Montell Williams. He was discussing his journey with Multiple Sclerosis. His discussion about his depression about the disease really resonated with me. He told a story about how the pain of his illness had driven him to a point where he was sitting on the floor with a gun in his mouth, trying to figure out how to kill himself with the least impact on his family. I totally understood that place.
Now, I have never held a gun anywhere close to my head or my mouth... but I have had days during this past year where I contemplated just being done with all of this. Luckily for me, prayer still works and love prevailed. I am still here. But it is a constant battle. Some days are darker than others, harder than others. And some days it is just a joy to be alive. (by the way, today is not one of those dark days... I just felt like talking about it)
I cannot imagine what it is like to have MS. I cannot imagine what it is like to have a constant pain in my body, everyday for 10 years like Montell Williams. And before last July, I could not imagine what it was like to have cancer and to watch so many dreams fade away or change.
I wrote an article recently for Fight Pink (fight pink website) about my fears with taking tamoxifen. One of my twitter followers (another pink ribbon sister) wrote an entry in her blog about how my fears about tamoxifen reminded her of her fears about not being able to have children (journeying beyond breast cancer) and I've paused to just think about all the women & men whose lives have been altered because of breast cancer.
Dreams deferred... like the Langston Hughes poem asks... what happens to them? Like my pink ribbon sister, I still think (and cry) about the notion of not being able to have children. I really had not given up on that desire before breast cancer but now I find myself fighting to remain optimistic about having my own family. Travelling the world, living abroad, writing a best seller (or two), and getting married are just a few of my dreams that have been deferred because of breast cancer. Not completely denied but definitely thrown a curve ball. Sharing that sadness on this blog is hard. Not because I don't think that anyone will understand. But because I don't really want folks to feel sorry for me.
Its difficult to explain but while I want to remain honest and open about everything that this journey entails, I don't want to encourage pity parties. If someone in your life is dealing with this issue, or if -- God forbid -- you have to deal with this in the future, I want you to be prepared for the emotional war that this illness wrecks. And I want you to be aware that you (or your loved one) WILL get through this. But they can't do it without you. And if its you who is facing this journey, you have to accept the love and help from others. You can't do this alone.
Montell mentioned that he could not get through his illness without the help of his wife. She is there with him, day in and day out helping him to deal with his illness. She is so in tune with him and his pain, that she can see immediately when he's struggling and she steps right in to help him. And she does so in a way that to people looking at him, they cannot tell that she is supporting him in any way. In fact, he said that it looks like he is supporting her because of the way that she fits herself into his side.
I thought that was so awesome and again, I totally understood that feeling. I am getting through this because I am so very loved and supported. My parents, my family and my friends are so wonderful in taking care of me both physically and emotionally that it may appear that I am doing this without their help. The people who read my blog and then send me messages about my posts are truly helping me through this journey.
One of my girlfriends wrote a blog post about breast cancer and the single woman (blackgirlgrown). It was a great post and it clearly addressed my fears and concerns as a single woman dealing with a life-threatening illness. It is damn hard going through this without a husband or a boyfriend. (by the way, in case you couldn't tell -- I miss that man SO MUCH)
However, it isn't impossible to bear this because I do have support. Knowing how much that support has truly helped me through those dark moments of this journey compels me to reach out and help other pink ribbon sisters as much as I can. Now I understand why so many breast cancer survivors reached out to me when I started this journey. You lose a lot with breast cancer but you do gain a lot too. And you realize just how much your support (no matter how minimal it may seem) will matter to the next sister or brother who has to deal with this.
So, I am working through my emotional stuff. And doing it so openly is a true challenge... However, I wouldn't change any part of this blog journey because I know that it is helping and supporting other people on this same path. Whatever you're doing, or did to help someone handle their breast cancer journey... know that you are a blessing.
We're gonna make it... There is no alternative to that decree.
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