Naturally, I feel sad and my heart is heavy because of the loss and because I know that the pain that her child, her parents and her siblings feel -- along with the rest of the family -- will resonate for some time. She was a dynamic member of my family and her presence will surely be missed.
My cousin was only a few years older than I was and my father watched her grow up -- he lived with her family for a time when he first moved to this area. So her death is hitting him pretty hard. I think that it is hitting him extra hard because she fell ill almost two years to the day that he had his brain aneurysm. And while he survived and is doing well... she did not. It is hard to reconcile something like that.
There is a bit of guilt and some pressure when you know that you have survived something (and illness or an accident) that others did not. Since my diagnosis with breast cancer two years ago, I have lost a few friends and acquaintances. Each time it is a difficult matter to deal with because you wonder why them and why not me? You wonder whether their passing is a sign that your time is still borrowed. And if you're like me... you really wonder, why am I so blessed?
While I know logically that grace is not earned but is given by God... everytime I hear of someone else's death I am slowed down with guilt. Charlene and I were not fighting the same battles with our health. Her issue had to do with high blood pressure, mine was cancer. Yet at some point, we both were in dire straits. My cousin had been fighting to get her blood pressure under control for some time and although her doctors continued to try various medications, nothing seemed to do the trick. Meanwhile, I was diagnosed late with my cancer but still early enough that surgery and treatment could take care of it. And I was healthy enough to withstand the hardest treatment that my oncologist could give me to ensure that I made it through. Everyone just isn't that fortunate.
As I sit here thinking about my cousin, my father, my aunt who died from breast cancer and my aunt who has survived her breast cancer I just feel overwhelmed. There is so much out there in the world... I feel an obligation to myself to do whatever it takes to be happy and to live my life well. I feel an obligation to my family and my friends to do whatever I can do to take care of my health and not take my body for granted. I don't know whether my cancer will come back. I know people who have fought cancer multiple times and defeated it each time it showed up. I know people who have struggled with hypertension and turned it around... So I know that it is possible to come close to the edge and then to pull it together. I also belive that His grace is sufficient and that if He wants me here, then here I will be.
This is one of those posts that won't wrap up neatly. The thought for the day is that I am blessed to be here. And I understand that with that blessing comes a responsibility. I don't particularly like exercising but since my blood pressure has been elevated for the past couple of weeks, and my lymphedema has been acting up as well... I have no choice but to engage in some regular physical activity and to alter my diet.
I have been living like a person on borrowed time -- treating myself with permission to basically do whatever I want to do because I deserve it. Now, I have to switch gears and treat myself, not as though I am dying and trying to savor the last moments, but as though I plan to live forever and need to do what it takes to ensure that the years ahead are as good as I can make them.
I've been contemplating making some major dietary changes -- giving up sugar and white flour and possibly restricting my meat intake. I haven't made any solid decisions or plans but I should have things ready to roll out in a few days/weeks. My goals are simple, to lose a few pounds and to lower my blood pressure naturally. To become healthier, eat less junk while still enjoying good food and fun times. Its possible and honestly, it simply has to be done.
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