What will I do with the time I have left?
Since none of us knows how much time we have left -- no matter what the doctors may tell you, or what someone may have prophecied over your life -- you have to live consciously with the notion that every moment is very precious.
On Thursday, I attended my cousin Scharleen's funeral (yes, I've been spelling her name wrong all over the internet for the past couple of weeks) and on Saturday I attended the funeral of my cousin's grandmother. Both were dynamic and wonderful women. Both were well-loved and admired within their communities and their circles for being giving souls. And I realized at Grandma Baggett's funeral that they both taught me the same lesson -- just in different ways.
Its all about love. Loving yourself. Loving others. And BEING yourself. That last part is what is sticking with me the most about their lives. My cousin was never apologetic about who she was. Grandma Baggett never met a person that she couldn't love and become like family with. Have you ever met someone that the moment you met them, its as though they have always been a part of your life? Grandma Baggett was that way. Scharleen had a personality that was bigger than life sometimes. Once you met her, you would always remember her.
Both ladies taught me with their lives that being truly yourself... is the most freeing and wonderful gift you can give to the world. Even if someone doesn't immediately recognize that you're giving them a gift -- the gift of being just as free as they are -- the gift still has potency.
I've been fighting with anxiety for a couple of months now. I've been fighting against accepting that I am not doing the things that actually bring me joy. I have been tinkering around and pretending that not writing, not speaking, not pushing myself to be that entity that I feel I am way down deep inside is acceptable. I've been living a fake life, a facade. And the incongruity and lack of harmony is tearing me apart.
In fairness to myself, I know why I shelved those dreams and decided to live a different way. Part of it is fear of the unknown. Part of it is trying to be a grown-up. (I have this strange idea that grown-ups aren't supposed to be happy, living and doing things that make them smile. But being a grown-up means that you work a job you hate, and you deny yourself fun stuff because its too childlike.) Part of it is an acknowledgement that I don't have all of the skills that I need in order to really shine as a star on my own.
Someone asked me recently (through formspring.me) who inspired me. And I replied that I draw a lot of inspiration from people who are living their dreams. Whether or not I agree or like what they do... the fact that they shrugged off an ordinary life to reach for the impossible and found success and joy with it makes me so giddy inside. I can't explain it. When I watch someone like Janet Jackson or even Beyonce perform (and I am not a fan of hers, don't stone me)... its like breathing pure oxygen. Not because what they are doing is so fabulous or that I want to do that specifically -- because Lord knows I can't dance or sing and would not want to make a living trying to do so -- but because you can FEEL their joy, their connectedness to everything when they are in their zone.
I feel that way when I'm writing... I know I've said that (or something similar) a million times but I can't stop feeling this. When I'm writing, time passes, life could stand still and I would not really realize it. But the downside is that I don't have the business skills (marketing, accounting, etc.) that are necessary to move writing from a happy hobby to a profitable method of living.
Not sure why I'm sharing this today -- really wasn't where I wanted this post to go actually -- but looking at Scharleen and Grandma Baggett in their caskets this weekend reminded me that time doesn't wait for any of us. I don't know why I need the constant reminder but it seems that I do. The question... what will I do with the time I have left is ringing in my ears.
Those of you who have moved from an ordinary life to the life of your dreams... how did you make the leap? I think I'm looking for permission to walk away from being a grown-up and just be a happy kid... reaching for goals that are bigger than I am, that I have no way of seeing in advance how they will work out but just knowing that they will.
You want to know what some of my dreams are? To write a book that touches millions of lives in a good way. MILLIONS. To write (or contribute) a screenplay that reaches and touches MILLIONS of people. To be a speaker that people want to hear, want to see... and to have words to share that help people find their way to their own center of joy. Just to connect with people... and leave them better than before we interacted. Is it possible? Sure. I truly believe that each of those dreams are attainable goals. I just don't know how to get there.
But I have been reminded (again) that breast cancer doesn't have to be the end of my story. And that the life I really want -- not this boring "I'm a grown-up" life -- is out there. Its out there.
What I don't want... is to waste another minute of this life.
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