Well, I'm almost done with my radiation therapy. I'm halfway through... and I don't like it any more today than I did on the first day. I have been (sort of) doing my arm exercises, so my range of motion is much better than it was the first day. Its still not what it used to be and definitely not as free-moving as my right arm. But, its coming along. I can raise my arm up over my head and I can reach over my head. but I really need to be more diligent about my exercises.
I decided not to do the physical therapy. It seemed like overkill. I hope that I don't regret that decision. I read so much information about what to expect after the mastectomy and most women seemed to be okay in short order. I figured that I could do what anybody else could do if I put my mind to it. Plus, I really wasn't looking forward to going to see another medical professional.
I'm still having flashes of momentary mental confusion about what I've been through. Like... I'll be walking toward the kitchen and I'll just start shaking my head in utter disbelief. I have cancer. Or had cancer. That's another thing... how do you come to grips with laying on a bed and having cancer and waking up later and you don't have cancer? I'm still struggling with the concept that after four months of chemotherapy and a mastectomy -- now, I DON'T have cancer.
I've been going through hell for 5-6 months and just like that... I don't have cancer. I guess its not just like that when I think about it but it feels just odd. I've been sporting my f*@k cancer t-shirt around the house lately. I almost feel bold enough to wear it in public. I'm still just that angry.
I don't know when that anger will ease up but I imagine that it will soon enough. Tonight is a rough night emotionally. I'm pissed off today -- been pissed all week to tell the truth. I hate feeling this way but I just think that cancer is so "not fair". Not fair to me, not fair to anyone who gets it or the people who love them. Its not fair. The price is so high. But I guess the payoff is something good. A changed perspective about life. Or, if life ends... and end to pain and misery. It still seems like a really high price to pay. We all have our crosses to bear, right?
I'm just glad I'm not as mad and sad as I was months ago. I've definitely come a long way in my outlook. I just feel like I have a ways to go to get back to being just cheery again.
My hot flashes are still coming on strong everyday. A few during the day... most at night. The night sweats are still around too. Making me miserable. My "fabulous boobie" (that's the one that had to be sacrificed for my life)... looks awful. Not in a sickly way but in a generally not pleasing to the eye sort of way. The breast is really dark and the skin is thickening. I don't know if its scar tissue (as my radiation doctor says) or if its the affects of the radiation -- probably both. I have these low-grade pains all the time. But... that's to be expected as well.
I have been feeling rather weak this past week -- sort of like I'm coming down with a cold or the flu or something. Learned yesterday that the fatigue is a cumulative side effect of the radiation. But since I'm only halfway through the treatment, I'm guessing that I'm going to have to push back my estimated return to work date. Sista is really tired right now. And I'm not quite ready for that full work day. If I had to go to work today, I'd need a nap by lunch.
My mother has been laughing at me this week because I'm walking with a little hitch in my stride. (haha) But I'm achy all the way into my bones (which PISSES me off). I thought I was done with this part of the ride. lol... My fingers (joints/knuckles) really ache late at night. I'm popping tylenol about twice a day now to help with the pain.
Sigh... but what am I gonna do? I have to go through it to get to the other side. I'm just looking forward to the future, ya know?
Some of my tulips are fading away... leaning waaaaay over to the side. :) And I feel like them a little bit. But a good number of them are still standing strong and giving me beauty to look at. And I feel just a little bit like them too.
My hair is really starting to show up... got a couple of bald spots but its coming in. So is the hair on the other parts of my body. I'm not quite ready to shave my legs yet but soon... I won't be able to fake it much longer. But that's a good thing. A return to a little bit of normal.
The radiation therapist told me that I have to use aquaphor or udderly smooth lotion on my fabulous boobie. But I'm wondering why I can't use shea or cocoa butter. (shrug) I don't know but I'm not questioning it. I'll use those later after they tell me that I'm all clear for take off.
Since the chemotherapy, I am very sensitive about what I use on my skin. My skin looks kind of dry and flaky. I'm not used to that. But I will nurse this skin back to smooth, even toned health very soon. Just need to get through this part of the journey. Hmm... what else? Oh... I GAINED weight this week. Can you believe that? After 6 months of losing weight, this week I gained 2 pounds. My mom and I think that either I'm constipated or retaining water (hahaha) because I don't eat that much. But I was rather greedy for a few days over the weekend last week, so maybe the tide is turning.
I'm still 30 pounds down overall so I am not going to sweat 2 pounds. I can't even focus on those two pounds if I wanted to because my focus is on getting through these next few weeks. And then getting through the next 8 months of herceptin treatments. And somewhere along the way -- the reconstruction of my new fabulous boobie.
(shaking my head)
I still find all of this overwhelming and difficult to fully absorb. And I hate that I feel like I'm not "getting it"... but I really don't understand how or why. I wonder if I will always question this period in my life. At any rate... that's how I'm feeling today.
Its March... I started on this journey in July and I won't be done with my active treatment until November (when I finish my herceptin). Then I have 5 years of something else (can't recall the name, starts with a T). It just goes on and on...
One of my "friends" at radiation treatment said to me the first or second week -- that cancer is now considered a "chronic" illness. That was supposed to make me happy. She was trying to lift my spirits because I looked rather sad that day. I worked hard to eek out a smile for her.
This lovely lady is probably 20 years older than I am -- so our perspectives are a little different. She thinks that dealing with a chronic illness is ok. I think that it is difficult to wrap my head around being healthy one day and chronically ill the next. Chronic means that forever and ever this will be part of my life. I'm just having a difficult time accepting that.
Sickness is supposed to go away -- eventually. You get over a cold or the flu. You get over a broken arm or leg. I'm supposed to get over this. But, even when they tell me that I'm cancer-free -- its still a burden that I will have to carry for the rest of my life. How do I make peace with that?
That's where my head is tonight... trying to make peace out of this. I am now going to go have some cake and ice cream. I am still awake and I don't feel like taking a sleeping pill tonight.
Thanks for listening (again)
~Nic
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