its 3am and i'm wide awake...

Today was supposed to be a good day. And for the most part, I guess it was. It was beautiful outside, I only had to go to radiation and then to get my eyebrows waxed. I was really looking forward to getting my brows done. It was a step toward getting back to normal. I know, just a little thing... but that's what I needed today. A little step forward.

I won't go into details but the trip wasn't great. I wanted to treat my mom just to say thanks (again) for putting up with the daily trips to the hospital and just all that. Suffice it to say... we walked out of the salon displeased with our brows. (shrug) It happens. But since I had hyped myself up about the experience, leaving disappointed just didn't help my spirits.

I got home and ended up talking to a dear friend who is going through some hard times -- which made me even more annoyed. I felt badly for what she was going through and I was so sad that she had to go through it. I felt like I had let her down because I had not been around much these past few months. I talked to a good friend from high school and was disappointed that I couldn't visit with him and his family because I had plans (I wanted to see the kids!).

But, after thinking about my day... I think that it was, in fact, a good day. Because, it was NORMAL. And I'm so desperate to feel normal again... I almost forgot that normal means sometimes you're happy, sometimes you're sad, sometimes you're salty and sometimes you're mad. I have been ALL of that in just one day. :)




I just went to one of my favorite breast cancer websites and got a dose of reality. I was reading through the forums and came across a conversation thread about reconstruction surgery. My reconstruction has been on my mind a lot these past few days since I know that I will be ending my radiation treatment in a few weeks. Once I was told that I was at the halfway mark, I started getting excited and thinking about returning to my life. Going back to work, getting in some travel here and there... planning for the future. And after I daydreamed for a few days, I remembered that I have more surgery in my future. I freaked out a little bit.

Just reading through some of the messages about what can be expected from the reconstruction surgery... made me remember why I was so excited at the notion of having both the mastectomy and the reconstruction at the same time. I'm worried about a lot of things... more time off from work, the possibilities of complications or problems with surgery, the follow up surgeries that I may need. I am now wondering if having a replacement breast is worth it.

I just don't know.

I do know that right now, not having a left breast doesn't feel wrong necessarily it just doesn't feel like me. I feel somewhat non-sexual without my breast. But I don't think its as much the loss of the breast as it is the constant exposure to medical personnel. Sharing your body with someone is special, almost sacred really. You don't do it often (usually) and you choose who you share it with. Unless you're sick... then you show it all the time to all sorts of people you don't know. I've spent the better part of the past 8 months showing my body to so many people that I've become numb. The constant exposure has stripped away some of my sacred mystery.

Today in radiation, I laid on the table and pulled the gown down over my nub, like I do every day. There are three technicians in the room usually... one person adjusting machines and two others writing on me and lining me up. (its weird) So, while the guy is drawing his lines and dashes around my nub/breast and one girl is scribbling on my side, I notice that she adjusts my gown to cover my right breast. And the thought passed my mind... why bother? Its like... I'm supposed to be sexual on my right side and non-sexual on my left (where my breast was). How does that work?

Either all of me is sexual or none of me is sexual. And the constant poking, picturing, writing, gawking at where my breast used to be has removed any of the "magic" I once felt about myself. I'm not explaining this well but it just is crazy to me. All of it. How do I get back to feeling sexy? How do I get back to feeling like this is "my" body and not a science experiment?

Getting my eyebrows done was supposed to be a first step on that journey. Buying a wig is supposed to be the next step. Still not sure about that one. I keep looking but nothing makes me happy and I hate how I look in the wigs that I've tried. Again... not quite Nicole. I want a new breast especially since I can't have the old one back. But I'm wondering if another surgery is worth the risk and will it give "me" back to myself?

A few months ago, I was thinking about the reconstruction and reading the stories of women who chose not to have reconstruction. And at the time, I could not understand how they felt or how they managed to be comfortable in their skin with one breast. Now, I'm so unsure.

Right now, I rarely wear the breastform for my left side. I just walk around (with my bad self, lol) with one big ol' boob on the right. Since I don't really go too many places, it doesn't matter to me if folks at the hospital realize that I only have one breast. They've seen worse. But today was the first time I had a moment of embarrassment because I didn't have the form on. And while that is a strange feeling, when I thought about it later on, it gave me a moment of hope because it meant that some of the old Nicole was still there. The vain part -- and I like that part a lot. :)

I'm going to happy hour tomorrow (well, today) and I'll be wearing my breastform. Its bad enough that I'm not wearing a wig to cover up my peach fuzz... and that I've got a big ol' bald spot in the middle of my right eyebrow... I won't drag everybody further down by looking lopsided in my clothes as well. (I am still quite vain...lol)

But that reconstruction is a major commitment and it looks like the recovery period won't be quite as easy as the recovery from my mastectomy. That free tummy tuck comes at a price. I just have to get prepared to pay it. The question for me is... can I do this too?

Alright... going to take my ambien now so I can sleep a little. And maybe some tylenol for this headache. Have a good one.