well... not feeling so good today

I've been upset and crying since last night. Hard times can really show you who is in your corner and able to stand strong with you. My doctors told me that I should expect to lose some friends along the way because dealing with cancer is difficult and stressful. I thought I had prepared myself for it -- you lose friends all the time as you go through life -- but some friends still surprise you. The ones you think won't stand with you, do... and the ones you think will stand by you forever, sometimes don't.

I'm feeling bad physically too. My energy is low and my skin is really painful now. I was given some medicated cream to put on my skin but its not helping. In fact, it hurts to even touch my skin in that radiated area. I don't know what to do for the pain - besides take tylenol. I can't put anything on it, like a cold/cool compress but I've got to figure something out. The pain is starting to really get to me. I think it will get worse over the next few weeks, after radiation ends, before it gets better.

But... all in all, like every other day... I'm happy to be here and I'm looking forward to the future.

I got another heartbreak the other day but I haven't really had a chance to fully digest it. I learned that I have a large fibroid in my womb. (shaking my head) My mom had them and they are common among black women but I had hoped to be saved from having them. I am fortunate that I don't have pains and/or heavy menstrual cycles like some women but its just one more way that I feel that having children just isn't likely to happen for me. I'm starting to feel ... broken. Broken heart, broken body... my spirit is still holding on but its getting stretched and feels a little fragile right now.

On a lighter note... my hair is coming in nicely (although its bone straight). I almost look the way I looked before I was sick. Almost. I made a promise to myself before my chemotherapy started that if I had to lose my hair, when it grew back I would just let it grow. I haven't had long hair or even short hair (haha) in a long time. I cannot even imagine what I look like with hair but we'll find out eventually. And... my fingernails are coming in. My fingertips are still really tender but its good to look down and not see black/purple nails.

(oops!) I just realized that my cousin called me this weekend and I forgot to call her back. Tanisha!!! Girl, I'm gonna call you tomorrow. I'm writing it down, right now.

dang. (sigh) My memory is totally jacked. They call it cancer-brain or chemo-brain -- and its crazy. I'm sure those of you who have asked me to do things, or respond to messages have been frustrated by my slowness. I sincerely apologize but I promise you -- I really forget things all the time. Sometimes just a few moments after I've had a thought or someone has told me something. Its just GONE. Completely.

So... that's my day. Gonna bury myself in some scriptures and get my prayers and praise on. :)

Holla.