i'm so *(^%@# tired of breast cancer treatments

I'm ranting today because dammit I am T-I-R-E-D! Damn. So sick of breast cancer treatments and all their wack side effects. (sigh)

You know how a charred hot dog looks after its been left on the grill just a little too long? That black puffy skin that blisters and shows yucky pink hot dog meat underneath? (yeah, I will admit that sometimes a good charred "dog" tastes great! but that's not the point)

The radiated skin is really dark... almost black under my arm. Today when I went to treatment, I noticed that some of the skin is blistering/peeling away. And there's this big pink spot of skin underneath. Its so gross. The first thing I thought of was a charred hot dog. (I'd laugh but I'm really sort of pissed off)

If you remember, I was all excited because this was supposed to be my last day of radiation treatment. Well... its not. That doctor (the one I don't like so much) and her team (the ones who sort of annoy me with their arrogance)... all failed to tell me that after radiation ends, there are still more treatments to go. They call them "booster" shots. Basically, I still have radiation treatments but in a much smaller area.

sigh. damn!

Tomorrow is the day I meet with the doctor. I see her once a week. And I'm really going to have to bring up the fact that people keep assuming that I know things that I JUST DON'T KNOW.

If someone says to you... "oh, you have only 10 more treatments"... doesn't that make you think that the 10th treatment is the LAST treatment? Who thinks to ask... well, is the 10th treatment the last treatment -- when that's just what was said?

sigh.

I have 8 more treatments. I don't know if that's all... or there's more. But I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. And I'm pissy as hell right now.

Chemotherapy was hard as hell. HARD. And the side effects were painful, annoying, aggravating and just bad.

The mastectomy was difficult. It took me weeks to be able to just look at my chest without crying or feeling disfigured.

Radiation has been so draining. I'm tired. But I was managing. Well sort of. But wow. Peeling skin?

I can tell you when the skin peeled/popped... it was last night. While I was trying to sleep. I felt my nightshirt twisting under my arm but I thought nothing of it actually. Just felt that it was a bad night. Who knew that my skin was falling away?

I'm so tired of all this. I know that a lot of folks think that I'm "strong" or handling things well... but I'm not. I'm weak and I'm tired. I'm just tired.

Gotta get some drinks this weekend.


(Shout out to Tiffy for her encouraging words the other day... you're fantastic for sharing)