2nd dose down....

So far, I'm feeling okay. My doctors told me today that my PET scan was clear... which means that the cancer has not spread beyond my breast/lymph nodes. That was good to hear.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret. My pubic hair has started to leave me. :(

I realized the other day in the shower... and it upset me so much that I had to lay down and cry for awhile. I felt like such a baby crying about it too. In all honesty, I had no idea it would go. At least not right away. And I thought that by the time it did go, that I would be in a better place about this hair loss. So, if you talked to me over the past few days and I was a little moody... that's why. And since its just not the type of thing that you just say to people... I just had to hold it in for awhile until I came to grips with it.

This thing is real y'all.

I ordered a couple of wigs over the weekend and they arrived yesterday. I'm really not feeling these. Luckily they were cheap and I could afford the risk. I may keep looking around. And I'm definitely going to call my insurance company back to discuss the issue of paying for it. I learned that the state of Maryland has a law that insurers must cover hair replacement/wigs/etc. for chemotherapy patients. Let me add... I looked cute in the wigs... I just wasn't feeling it. All that hair in my eyes, on my face... yuck. YUCK! It was just... its been a long long long time since Nicole has had hair long enough to touch her skin. In fact, its been so long that the sight of long hair (other people's) makes my skin crawl.

You know how you visit other people's homes... or use a public bathroom and there may be a few little hairs that belong to someone else lying around? Well... that creeps me out. Seriously. I just stand there for a minute with a ghastly look on my face like... "eww... that came out of somebody's head."

*shudder*

Anyhoo... (just sharing...lol)

But that leads me back to my shower incident. At first I thought I was seeing things when I noticed that clump in my hand... (maybe this is too personal, too gross to share, hmmm). But it happened several times and then my tears joined the shower spray. Just like... damn.

My surgeon mentioned that I would lose hair all over -- but I still didn't think ALL over for some reason. Her joke was that she didn't have to shave her legs for 6 months. It still did not occur to me that this would happen. I don't know what I was thinking but I was definitely surprised. However, judging from the way that its happening... this hair loss thing will be un-sexy. I'm imaging little bald spots springing up here and there. I may have to make one more trip to the barbershop after all... because I may need to have my head shaved.

wow. That's a blower.

So, today's visit was rather uneventful. I sat and talked with the oncologists. They were in good spirits, I was in good spirits. It was a nice visit. I learned that I don't have more cancer to freak out about. They told me that I was doing very well. And they agreed with me that my insurance company sounds like a bunch of cheap freaks. (well, they didn't use that language but they encouraged me to call back and talk to a supervisor for better information) So, I will likely be calling tomorrow after I get my booster shot.

And... speaking of said shot... its that thing right there... that makes me feel like utter crapola for days. That dang neulasta shot that boosts my white blood cells... also makes me achy and sore and tired and nauseous, and all those things.

Have I mentioned lately that my boyfriend is the bomb?? lol... I am still so very amazed that he continues to hold my hand throughout this process. God definitely provides what you need, when you need it. Because I needed this guy at this time in my life. I cannot imagine going through all of this uncertainty and fear with a boyfriend who would have been unable to be by my side this way. I know me well enough to know, I would have gotten through it alone. I would have never complained because there would likely have been "good" reasons why he couldn't be there -- mostly work related issues -- but I would have been heartbroken about it. But... I don't have to be there by myself. He has been there, without grudge or complaint. Taking it all in. I worry about him -- which he brushes off -- but I know that this is a heavy burden to bear. I keep him in my prayers.

I am also fortunate that I have really really good friends who will come with me on the next chemotherapy date because he can't make it. I would have asked my mother, but honestly, I don't think she would handle seeing me hooked up to the IV for hours. Especially when Theresa does that first needle into my port -- its rough to see. She sort of jabs this long needle into my chest... and it hurts like the dickens. Next comes the blood samples... about 4 tubes. And then comes the drips. Its not cool to watch. When I watch her and the other nurses hooking up other patients, I cringe. Even though I'm sitting right beside them and getting the same thing... it is not pleasant to watch. So... my mom will have to be protected from this part of the struggle. It will be hard enough for her to deal with the surgery and its aftermath.

Hmmm... I think I just freaked out my friends who are planning to visit with me on October 2nd. I hope not. But if so... know that I do understand. Believe me.

I feel some nausea coming on, so I guess that's my cue to lay back down.

How do I feel? Less powerless than I did the other day... more courageous than I felt last night. A bit achy... but I had some ice cream after my chemo... and that strawberry made it all better.

~Nic