I am tired of not feeling like Nic

Being the nerd that I am... after finding out that I have cancer, I have made it my business to crawl over the Internet looking for information, support groups, whatever... anything to help me with this transition.

I have signed up for a bunch of e-newsletters... probably promising me far more than they can deliver but it makes for good reading when my mind starts wandering down the "I have cancer" hallway. Little tidbits of good reading, latest clinical trials or tips to battle nausea... just small notions that keep me on track.

Yesterday, I received a newsletter and there was a story about this lady who had breast cancer. But she was so special, so mystical, so superlative... that she never ever ever stopped doing anything that she did prior to being diagnosed.

(gas face)

For some hellish reason, I chose to read this article. I guess I was looking for some insight, some inspiration or something. A light basically... that would shine on my forehead and make it all better somehow.

Well...after reading about (let's call her Suzy Do It All)... and how she never skipped a damn beat, I wanted to beat myself in the head with a hammer.

She went to radiology while her daughter was in school. She took naps before her daughter came home from school. Then she continued to kick-box or jujitsu or whatever-the-fck-sort of aerobic ICANKICKYOURBUTT exercises she used to teach... every single day. She still cooked dinner for her family, helped her kids with their homework... and basically... Suzy was a gawd-damn STAR! Suzy just kept on keeping on... and no one (supposedly) ever really noticed that Suzy had breast cancer and was in treatment for it.

Woop-de-damn-do! Good-for-freakin'-her.

That story pissed me off in so many ways I can't begin to list them all.

Long before breast cancer darkened my door... depression entered my life. And I learned way back then... that trying to do it all, be it all, have it all... was a quick way to burn it all the hell up. So, I do what I can and that's it. I don't accept the label of super-woman, or anything close. In fact, I rebuke that evil... every chance I get.

I'm sure that the writer of this article felt that he/she was doing the world a favor by highlighting that cancer doesn't have to stop you in your tracks. Your life can go on.

Guess what? Cancer will stop you in your tracks. And that doesn't make you bad or a slacker or any way less than Suzy Do It All. It makes you human. And fragile and in need of tender loving care.

That article made me angry... and I'm still residually angry today because I realize that I have been trying (in my own way) to be Suzy Do It All too. But I can't. And the frustration that I feel is a sign that I cannot do everything.

I cannot answer every email. But I try. I cannot direct every DCSG through the mazes of figuring out how they receive their messages. But I try. I cannot coordinate every nuance of every moment of every work day. But I try. And I try and I come up short and then I cry because I'm frustrated.

I can't do it.

My name is Nicole Valencia... not Suzy Do It All. And for every story that someone shares with me about their super-human friend, cousin, grandma... a little piece of me withers away... because that might not be my experience. How can I express that feeling... without feeling like I'm giving up on who I am?

So far, out of all the advice that I've been given these past few weeks... one thing has stuck out for me.

Every cancer experience is unique. What worked for one person may or may not work for you. Allow yourself to be uniquely taken care of...

that is the best gift I can give to myself ... and to you.

I don't feel 100% like me most days. And I'm more frustrated than you can imagine because I don't feel like myself most days. But I am trying.

I don't know if I'll ever feel the way I used to, or if I will (once again) have to get comfy in new skin that is similar to the old and yet completely different.

I don't know. But I do know this... Suzy Do It All... don't live here. So, when you start to realize that I'm not returning your email pleas for help, don't take it personal... I'm just taking care of Nicole Valencia ... for a little while.