I'm sick of having cancer

I spent this weekend trying to gather my strength, relax as much as possible... and avoid what needed to be done.

I went to my boyfriend's restaurant on Friday night, to spend time with him (I miss seeing him everyday) and to see one of my best and closest friends in the world.

I can't express to anyone how much this woman means to me. She is the sister I never knew I needed and the strength that sometimes I have to rely on. Even now, as I type this... I have tears because she means so much to me and we don't get to spend much time together. You know... life gets in the way sometimes. The upside of having cancer so far... is that friends and family that I haven't been the best at keeping up with, have made it their mission to see me and let me know that I am loved. As crazy and sad as I feel most days... I need to know, to hear, to see that I am loved all the time now.

I thought that hanging out on Friday night for a few hours would be easy... but it was harder than I imagined and I was so absolutely exhausted when I got home, I almost had to crawl up the stairs. I was only there for about 3 hours. And it wore me completely out.

I hate that I have no energy for anything fun. I spent most of the remainder of Friday night, alternating between hanging my head off the side of my bed and running to the bathroom. It was not a pleasant night. Saturday, I recuperated from Friday night. I lay in bed, read a little bit and watched all sorts of great TV shows on www.hulu.com. My cousin turned me on to that website and I have been hooked all weekend.

For the record, I officially miss Fantasy Island. Mr. Rork was fine and those stories were so sappy cute, that I want to see a remake come on now.

Finally today, I tried to do what I have been avoiding for a few days and it still took me nearly 10 hours before I could admit it needed doing, and go to the sites where I could get it done.

I'm talking about purchasing my "cranial prosthesis"... Regular folks call them wigs.

My second round of chemo is this Thursday and if things go the way that the doctors expect, my hair should start falling out a few days afterwards. I'm definitely feeling some kind of way about losing the little hair I have and not seeing it again until weeks after my chemotherapy ends. We're talking January folks -- before I can expect to see some sprouts of hair again.

*sigh*

I have been going back and forth about whether I was going to get wigs or not. And honestly, even after looking at site after site -- I still don't know. I will ask Dr. Siegel for a prescription this week. And maybe by Thursday, I will have made up my mind about the purchase.

Cranial prostheses are expensive. Very very expensive. I believe that my health insurance would cover the cost and reimburse me for most (if not all) of the expense. However, that's only if it is a purchase of a cranial prosthesis though, a regular wig is not a reimbursable expense. I could spend a hundred or less for a regular wig and just suck up the costs as part of my vanity. Or I could invest hundreds of dollars into a cranial prosthesis... and hope to recoup my loss through an insurance reimbursement.

I may have to take the cheaper way out because I'm still paying therapy bills and radiology bills... on top of my regular expenses and I don't think I can wait for the reimbursement of $500-800 for a wig that I'm not even sure that I want. I'll let you know what I do.

I am going to order my eyebrows before I go to sleep tonight though. That is one expense that I have to incur.

I was supposed to do laundry and generally prepare my bedroom for the "after-chemo-time" but I have been hard-pressed to get out of bed all weekend. I think I'm hiding out. I haven't answered the phone all weekend - though I have been email accessible - and I'm not really ready for work tomorrow. I am in a big funk.

I spent a lot of time this weekend on planet cancer. It is a social networking group of cancer patients under 40. And for me, it is a godsend because I can talk candidly with other people who are dealing with craziness just like me and there is no pretense whatsoever.

The count-down to chemo is becoming dreadful. Every minute that passes, is one moment closer to sitting in that room with all those sick people tethered to an IV for hours. There are only a few days left for me to prepare and I haven't gotten it together yet. I need to go to the grocery store to pick up my "sick food" items (like crackers, chicken soup, ginger for tea, etc.) but I haven't even started my list of what I need. I had planned to treat myself to either a Kindle or a portable DVD player... but, after thinking all weekend about the preparatory materials I need for the weekend, and looking at prices of my vanity items (eyebrows, wigs and maintenance materials)... it may be some time before I can do that.

Chemo stinks. Cancer sucks. And I'm mad about all of this.

I know I have to do it. I know why I have to do it. I just am dreading it so much. Its like waiting to get a spanking... just tense. I've been mildly sick this weekend -- little waves of nausea here and there. But a part of me is just nagging the crap out of the rest of me -- telling me to just suck it up and move through it. It won't get better and I know that but I'm tapped out of energy and I'm sick of getting sick every few hours.

I battle with myself between feeling like a punk and giving myself the room to just relax and take it easy because I need to.

Well, I'm going to go now. Sorry this was so rambling and off-message... but that's how I've been feeling all weekend -- all over the place. Crying here and there, moping around... laughing at Tattoo. "The plane! The plane!"

Thanks for that Gerald. I owe you big time.