I am fricking... exhausted

I was warned. They tried to prepare me. But nothing can fully prepare you for the pure exhaustion that you feel after chemotherapy.

I am tired. Actually, I'm more than tired... I am slam tuckered out.

I have more energy today than yesterday... and tomorrow, I'll probably have more energy as well. And so forth.

I thought that I was a bit of a lazy girl... more bum than anything. But now that I find it darn near impossible to do anything I used to do, without wanting a nap... I realize that I was quite a busy little bee.

I am running into the problem that I don't "look" like I'm in chemotherapy so people are assuming that I'm stronger than I actually feel. The folks at work (some....) don't seem to fully embrace that I have cancer. And its not a regular ol' walk in the park sort of situation.

This morning I was running late... even in my regular world getting in to the office early is a challenge. Now, the challenge is turned up to 10+ but I do what I say I'm going to do. I get here late and basically get chastised because I came late and I left a little early yesterday.

I suck it up. Truthfully, what else can I do? Health insurance isn't cheap for the healthy... and I'm no longer in that camp. But honestly, if I wasn't so tired, I might have stormed off the job today and just said... EFF IT!

I have cancer. I say it to myself several times a day... mostly because I just can't believe it but also to ground myself in the notion that everything I used to do, is just not possible right now. Why?

I have cancer.

Seems basic, but I guess its really not.

I was afraid a few weeks back about losing my job because I couldn't keep up. Now... all I care deeply about is getting through chemotherapy and onto that surgery table. Everything ... and I mean everything... falls way after that.

My paternal grandmother died of cancer (not breast cancer) when I was a little girl. And right now, not a day goes by when I don't think of her and wonder if she felt the way I feel right now. Confused, amazed, disturbed, pissed off.... tired, guilty, afraid... and more. I'm sure she did, and I'm sure she felt it more acutely because she had a family of kids and a few grand kids that she probably wanted to spend more time with.

Today... I am battling more nausea than usual... and I'm a little cranky and irritable. But even with that....

I am happy to be alive... even with cancer. And I have nothing to regret for the day. :)

It is a good day... to be a sexy, bald chemo girl.