are blessings graded on a curve?

Something has been on my mind for awhile... and I don't really know how to feel about it. During the course of my cancer journey, several people close to me have lost people close to them from cancer (or have learned that a loved one's cancer is untreatable). Each time this conversation has taken place, the person sharing the story eventually says to me...

You are blessed. You are still alive. Or, your cancer is treatable so you should be thankful.

*blank look*

Until recently, I've been unable to clearly articulate how this statement was like a dagger in my heart. Yes, I am blessed. My cancer has responded well to my treatment. My job has been fantastic about working with me through my disability. My family and friends have been super-supportive of me. So, I know that I am blessed.

What makes me cringe is the notion that the people who died, or who have been handed a "death sentence" by cancer... are somehow NOT blessed.

We are all fortunate in our lives in some way... every day. Each of us. And while you may not be dealing with something like cancer, there is likely something in your life right now that is giving you fits. But through it all, you are blessed. And even if you don't feel like that every moment of every day, I'm pretty sure that you know it deep down in your spirit.

I have breast cancer. It is scary and makes me feel helpless. But through it all, I am blessed. Not because of my particular circumstances but despite them.

One of my twitterfriends is a pastor (whom I've never met) and his wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer last month. She has already had her mastectomy and just began her chemotherapy treatment. When her husband posted a link to her blog, I took a glimpse into her life and her mindset. I was blown away.

This sister said that she was grateful that God had given her cancer because she knew that this trial was another way for God to show his blessings to others through her. It was a way to increase her ministry.

wow.

Y'all know me... I am NOT there. (laughs) But I was impressed with her outlook on what I know to be a very frightening time in her life. My question about blessings being graded on a curve is a real one. Should I feel more blessed because today my cancer is treatable and my prognosis is good? And if so... how should I feel if my cancer returns? It is a distinct possibility.

I was discussing the death of Wayman Tisdale with a friend who was acquainted with Wayman personally. The death hit him pretty hard - but I think he was surprised to learn that it hit me hard as well, since I didn't know him. But his death was a reminder that no matter how prepared I may be to deal with this cancer -- if it ultimately chooses to take me out, it will. To my understanding Wayman did all that he was told would help him to rid his body of cancer and yet, cancer still had its way in the end.

As I continue to weigh the pros and cons of prophylactic surgery when I have my reconstruction surgery... I keep asking myself is it worth it? All of this? There are no guarantees that any of these life-saving measures will actually save my life. And then the question becomes... if, one day, I find myself faced with the absolute end, will the efforts to hold it off have been worth it? And will I still know deep in my heart that I am blessed?

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Speaking of prophylactic surgery... I watched Oprah's breast cancer episode on Monday afternoon. I learned that for women who have/had breast cancer, the chances of recurrence in the other breast is higher for those women who have the BRCA1 or BRCA2 breast cancer genes. The difference is HUGE. Breast cancer patients/survivors with the gene have an almost 50% chance of breast cancer coming back in their other breast. Those without the gene have about a 5% chance of recurrence.

sigh.

So, my anger about the plastic surgeon's recommendation that I remove my other breast as a preventative measure has calmed down now. I still don't want to lose my breast but I have decided to get the genetic testing to help the decision making process. If I do have the genes, then it will make my decision that much easier. Well, not easier but you know what I mean.

I am working hard at making these decisions in a very logical fashion. Although no one can guarantee me that all of these efforts will not ultimately be in vain, something within me is forcing me to keep trying.

I am grateful for that urging.