struggling with the fear of 5

5 is a magic number when you have breast cancer. After chemotherapy, surgery and radiation treatment... I am taking a drug, tamoxifen, for 5 years to help reduce the risk of recurrence. Your chances of recurrence drop off significantly after 5 years. However, if your cancer recurs within 2 years, it doesn't bode well for your survival. At least that's what I've been reading lately.

Why is this on my mind? Because I've begun to think about the future. Making plans and thinking thoughts... about buying a home (finally), buying a luxury car, travelling around the world and maybe if I'm blessed... having a family.

But for everything on my wish list, I have a nagging thought about "what if I'm not here to finish paying for or taking care of it?" So, for example, I look at real estate listings just about everyday and my desires change everyday about what sort of purchase I would like to make. One day, I want something small and cheap because I want to have more disposable income available so that I can buy the dream car I want and travel like I want and continue to live a single girl's lifestyle. A few days later, I want to spend more and stretch myself to get the brand new(ish) house that is full of upgrades and such because I think... if I'm only going to be in it for a few years I want to appreciate the whole experience.

Its irrational, I know. But the anxiety is starting to choke me. I've been going through similar worrying sessions about buying a car, selecting vacation destinations and more. I want to go back to school. Is it worth my time to pursue degrees I may never use? Or should I use the time to do other things, like travel to countries I've always wanted to visit.

The truth is that I don't know how much time I have left. I don't know if I'll be here another 50 years or 50 days. And my fear and anxiety is illogical and irrational. But I feel it... deep in my heart and it scares me.

Part of the reason I haven't tried to purchase a house before now, or have kids or get the luxury car... is because I've been living with my life on hold. I've been waiting for "something" to come along; the love of my life, the outrageously wonderful job, the feeling that finally I'm adult enough to handle my own life. But I didn't live in the moment enough to recognize that I've loved a lot in my life - even though I never married. I would have been a good mother - if I had just believed in myself. I'm just as smart as my friends who have more degrees all together than I think should be allowed by law. And yes! I deserve full length fur coats and fancy cars... if that's what would make me smile. Why did I think those things were too much for me to have? And why now am I still worried about reaching out for them?

Its maddening to be so wishy-washy about your own life.

I can't turn the clock back and make myself appreciate myself more. But faced with the risks of death that cancer brings, I now feel that now I have permission to fully appreciate myself and do what I want to do. However, when I think about the things I want and how long it may take to get them... I start thinking about the magic 5. And I get stuck all over again.

Utter madness.

Life is really about the journey moreso than the destination. Procrastination has stolen years from me while I waited for perfection to show up. (it seems so silly now) The other day my mother and I were talking about relationships and dating and she said to me that my problem was that I was looking for perfection in a man. I didn't agree with that as it pertained to dating. But I do think its applicable for me regarding so many other things in my life. I have lived so much for tomorrow, that I never got to enjoy today. Procrastination stole years I thought I had, and then cancer tried to the rest. The shame of it all...

I've never watched the movie "The Bucket List" but one of the suggestions I got from one of the many cancer books I've read over these past months was to make a list of goals and work toward reaching them. This concept was supposed to help keep a bit of normalcy in your life -- give you things to look forward to. I have been thinking a lot about the things I want to do, the way that I want to live my life and when it dawned on me the other day that I was creating a bucket list, I got sad.

I know that I'm being a big baby about this stuff. Just buy the car, Nic. Start the process to buy the condo you want. Take some classes toward that new degree. Its not complicated. But it is. And that frustrates me. I'm struggling with the "what ifs"... and its silly and childish I know. I'm working my way through it. No doubt you'll start to hear bits and pieces about the goals I'm working toward. Pay me no mind. I am just working through some thangs. It will be alright.