i'm back from miami...

My birthday celebration was extended to a mini-vacation in South Beach. I planned this trip for months. And it was absolutely fantastic.

Initially, I had wanted to spend the weekend away with my boyfriend. But months ago (well prior to our break-up) I knew that he didn't want to go. So, I didn't press him about it. And seeing how things ended up, I'm glad that I didn't. The weekend then became a "girls" weekend which was just as good to me. I was going to make my way to the beach, no matter what. I felt that I totally deserved this vacation.

I can admit now... that I was terrified of travelling alone. I was worried about the possibility that something might happen while I was in Florida, or en route and there would be no one who knew me or my history to help the situation. I'm happy to report that nothing happened. Nothing out of the ordinary anyway. My first day in South Beach I think I pushed myself a little too hard trying to hang out and I ended up really tired on Friday. It was fine though because I rested in the hotel room for awhile and by the time my girlfriend arrived Friday afternoon... I had gathered enough energy to hang out for awhile.

The trip was a good exercise for me in reasserting some independence and returning to a more normal "me". Going on vacation after cancer treatment seems to be quite normal. And though I'm not done yet with my treatment, the break was really helpful in clearing my mind and allowing myself a chance to just relax and feel free. I hope to make a few more short trips this summer and then plan for a really long trip - maybe to Africa - after my reconstruction surgery(ies) are completed next year.

Preparing for the trip was a true headache. From trying to find swimsuits that work, to buying products to protect my skin, on down to making sure that I had outfits that worked for the weekend. Utter madness and extreme frustration. A couple of things I know now... this cancer thing will manage to do what nothing else has done for me -- strip me of my ego and my conceit completely.

I will try to explain. I love the water. I love to swim and it is my dream to own a boat one day. I absolutely love the water. The radiation oncologist and her nurse told me weeks ago that I would be able to get into the ocean with no problems. But they also told me to steer clear of swimming pools. At the time, I didn't think that it would be a problem because I wasn't travelling all the way to Miami just to swim in a pool. (laughs) However, it did present a challenge for me because the pool was simply closer than the ocean. For a babe that was extremely tired on Friday... it took a lot of strength for me not to get into the pool -- even for a moment. But when I did dip into the ocean on Saturday, it was totally worth it. The water was so wonderful that I was glad that I didn't risk any infections by getting into the pool. Even if I was saddened that I lost a day of beach-time.

I say that cancer will strip me of my conceit because I find myself doing things that I HAVE to do -- even if I don't want to, and wish I didn't have to. Because I did not sew in the pockets into my swimsuit like I should have -- I honestly forgot to do it -- I found myself in South Beach with a wicked choice. Wear my bathing suits without my prosthesis and appear to the world completely lopsided... Or, wear my totally unattractive mastectomy bra which holds my prosthesis underneath my swimsuit (which meant that it would show to the world). Neither option was very "fashion forward". But the bra option was a bit more palatable. So, that's what I did. Keeping in mind that South Beach is top-optional... I was feeling very unsexy.

In all honesty, it was ugly. (sigh) But on the other hand... I didn't look like a lopsided freak to strangers on the beach. I was just the crazy lady with a bra showing under her bathing suit. (smile) Tacky maybe but not a freakshow.

Those were my options. :)

I managed to put it out of my mind that I was a tack-head and just embrace the beauty of the beige sand and beautiful, clear, turquoise water... and I stayed in the water as long as I could. It was nice. Nice enough that I know that I want to be at another beach (or the same one, I'm not picky) within the next month. Not sure how to make it happen, but I know that I need it. And then another beach the month after that... and another the month after that. Until, its too cold for the beach and time for my surgery.



I had my herceptin treatment today. Chemo day is never fun but today wasn't a bad day at all. I am tanned (even using 70 sunscreen, I managed to get good color) and I'm still relaxed from the beach. Though, I seem to have picked up a cold while at the hospital today and I'm a congested mess right now. (I am watching myself diligently for any symptoms of swine flu... sigh) And today, my oncologist finally gave me the ultimate approval to return to work. Its been a bit of a shifting target for the past few months but I got actual dates and instructions today. Whew. Today also was the first day that none of the staff asked about my ex. They talked to me, about me, and about my trip and my birthday. It felt good.

I'm still struggling with the break-up. Still questioning a lot of things and wondering where to go from here. I read today, an article about a book written by a breast cancer survivor. The book is a memoir about her life -- dating while dealing with breast cancer.

(shaking my head)

Now to me, THAT is incredibly strong. She was widowed a few years before her diagnosis but just as she was getting ready to get back into dating, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was a young woman in her 20's so she felt that getting married again was something she really wanted to do. So, she dated through her cancer treatment. Long story short, 6 years later, she's married and happy. So... I suppose that it is possible to meet someone who won't run for the hills at the mention of the c-word. I find that so hard to believe right now.

I'm not ready to date but at the same time, I know that if I don't at least entertain the option then I am determining that I will never get married. Ever. I can't do that. I do not want to spend the rest of my life single. Single isn't bad but its just not what I wanted for myself forever. But with cancer, so many things have changed and it feels like giving up on some dreams may be for the best if I don't want to burden others with my illness. I don't know.

I haven't decided whether to buy the book or not because I'm not sure that I want to read about that particular journey. But I may change my mind once I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin.

During the trip, there were a couple of moments when I felt less like the cancer-girl and more like a regular girl. They were fleeting moments but they did happen. I'm hopeful that as time goes on, they will become longer and stronger. Much like me. I am still working on getting comfortable with my body the way it is right now. And getting comfortable with risking losing someone as a potential partner when they learn that I have breast cancer. (that's just so scary to me) Ultimately, I'll have to learn to trust myself, and to trust that not every guy will run and hide from this.

I feel like I'm playing brothers short by not believing that there is at least one guy out there for me, the way that I am right now. But I am working on it. My guess is that it will simply take time before I feel worthy again of being loved and loving someone in return. Time isn't my best friend these days. I think of my mortality and my fragility everyday.

I'm still weighing the options about my reconstruction surgery -- whether to remove my unaffected breast in hopes of further reducing my chances of the cancer returning. I'm still searching for another plastic surgeon -- to get an alternate opinion and maybe find someone I have a better rapport with than the doctor I met with back in December. And I'm still pondering the issue of having kids. Do I try to get started on fertility treatments as soon as I get the greenlight from the doctor? Or do I start gathering research on adoption options?

I don't know. Maybe one day I will know, but until then I will continue to pray. :)

Have a great day... give a loved one (or a dear friend) a hug today. It will make you both feel better.

I promise.