Some women color their hair as often as they buy new shoes. I'm not one of those girls. So when my oncologist told me that I couldn't dye my hair, it didn't bother me in the least. Not dying my hair was something easy for me to give up -- I didn't do it anyway. Some of the other restrictions he gave me -- no acrylic nails, no smoking cigars, limiting my alcohol intake -- were a lot more difficult to accept. (I gave up the pretty but fake fingernails and I gave up cigar smoking but drinking has been something I simply refuse to give up).
When the thought hit me about a week or two ago that I needed a spark, a change in my life... coloring my hair seemed like an easy change that might make me feel better. At first, I did my research and searched for natural products to use on my hair. My friends advised me about products that I could use that were limited in their toxicity and would probably not cause me any problem. But you know... when I found myself in Bed, Bath and Beyond looking for a few toiletry items... the box of "intense red" caught my eye and was in my basket before I even considered looking at the ingredient listing.
I know it was full of crap that I wouldn't normally want next to my skin. I knew that. But, I simply wanted my hair to be different and I figured that I would take the toxic risk. Now that I've colored my hair -- and for the record, I'm not that thrilled with it -- I'm really wondering why in the world I did this to myself. Well, let me be frank. I know why I did it. My life is pretty dull and somewhat boring. I'm frustrated about a lot of things and changing my hair color was something that was within my ability to control that I felt would be a big enough change that I would feel differently.
However, what I really feel is very sickened with myself. I'm not physically ill. But I am disappointed with myself for taking an unnecessary risk that I simply did not need to take. I look at my life as a series of equations...and ultimately, my goal for each day is to do as little harm to myself as possible. On those days where I feel that I may go over in one area -- such as going out for drinks -- I try to cut back other ways (or increase other things) to offset the problem. For example, if I know I'm planning to go out and have a few drinks then I increase my water intake for a couple of days before I go out and I make sure that I have plenty of lemon water (and sometimes gatorade) to replenish my system for a couple of days afterwards. It may not make any difference at all, but it makes me feel that I'm limiting the harm that I expose myself to. But this hair dye is a constant reminder that I just subjected myself to toxins purely for vanity's sake. And its making me really disappointed with myself.
Let me add this... I am growing very weary of searching for toiletry items that are made without all the bad/horrible stuff that makes products shelf-stable but toxic and possibly cancerous. The search is tired because when I do find products I usually don't like the way they smell or the way they feel. Or I find someone online who creates them at their home but that requires ordering and waiting -- sometimes for weeks -- for the products to arrive and it gets expensive. While I was wandering around in Bed, Bath and Beyond trying to find a body wash that didn't repulse me... I remembered how simple it used to be to shop for myself compared to the dance I do now. I am sure that my grabbing that box of hair color had a lot to do with my impatience with searching all over town (or the internet) for something that works for me. Why is it all so doggone complicated?
At any rate... I've dyed my hair a strange reddish color. I would post a picture but... I'm vain and I don't like it. (laughs) I took a dip on the wild side once, but I don't do it again. The annoyance of always having to plan everything out is something that I know that I simply must get accustomed to... but I suppose that an occasional slip up might be ok.
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