So here's the thing... I am lonely. Whew, it was difficult for me to admit that to myself but I've been twisting it around in my head and my heart for a very long time. I cannot fully explain why I'm feeling lonely these days but I am. And yes, I know that I have a bunch of wonderful friends and lots of family members that I could talk to and spend time with... but, its not the kind of lonely that is satisfied with just being around people. Its something else I think.
An article in The Telegraph (Loneliness-can-increase-risk-of-breast-cancer) from 2009, explains that loneliness in lab rats seemed to contribute to their likelihood of having breast cancer. I thought it was interesting but the article goes on to say that there are many in the cancer community who feel that there is not enough evidence to link stress to breast cancer. And let's be honest, being lonely is pretty doggone stressful. However, I am starting to really believe in the connections between our mental states and our physical fitness. In more than the superficial way that I've considered it in the past... these days, its becoming abundantly clear that how I think and feel directly affects how my body acts and reacts.
It is theorized that while there may not be direct correlations between stress and breast cancer, the effects of stress lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms that could contribute to increased risk factors for breast cancer. So... activities like overeating, excessive drinking and smoking could be tied to increased stress which could be triggered by intense loneliness.
Feel where I'm going with this? (laughs) For months now I've been doing things that are fun (drinking a lot, hanging out late, eating all sorts of decadent foods, not exercising) but not good for me. And while I know that they aren't good for me, my acknowledgement has not been sufficient motivation for me to switch gears. Until now. After reading about the lab rats in the UK, I kept searching for more information about loneliness and breast cancer and came upon a medical abstract (Survivor Loneliness of Women Following Breast Cancer) about loneliness and breast cancer survivors. And it hit me... if I don't make a concerted effort for things to be different, I'm opening myself up to a few problems. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. The risky behaviors are soothing and help to manage my stress... and my stress is likely to make me weaker and ultimately sicker. But the risky behaviors bring their own sets of problems and they undermine my health too. If I don't soothe myself, the stress wrecks havoc in my life. If I do soothe myself, the behaviors undermine my strength.
In the days following the Race for the Cure, I've felt a deepening sadness and guilt. Survivor's guilt is a pain in the booty -- to be sure -- but its so real. Being out among thousands of women and men, many of whom were there to support the memory of a lost loved one really hammered home to me that I am super-blessed to be here. And that feeling brought a lot of shame and blame and guilt right along with it. I wrote the other day about the "why me" feelings I had for surviving when so many others do not. But what I didn't say was that not only to I carry the guilt of surviving with me, I'm also feeling burdened with the "what's next" blues too. After fighting to get my life back and realizing that I've been blessed, it feels like its not enough to just go back to a regular ol' life. The pressure that I'm feeling now to be super-spectacular is intense. And its immobilizing some days... How do you survive a disease that was supposed to take you out and then not do something earth-shattering and world changing? Its like I have no choice but to work to be bigger than Oprah now. But I'm not Oprah... I'm Nicole and most days... Nicole is scared. Ugh. However, I have to laugh at myself because terrified or not, I am working on some major projects and I cannot wait until they are completed and being of use to someone else. I know I'm not alone, even if I feel that way. As much as I share on this blog and with certain friends/loved ones... there are some thoughts that I just cannot share with anyone, even other survivors. I guess I can accept that my healing and my growing is still a work in progress. I suppose that it is time that I find peace with the progress.
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