No kids for me...

When you're a single woman of a certain age, inevitably the topic of children will come up in conversation. If you are a single woman without children, like me, also inevitably the question will pop up "do you want to have kids?" And if you're a single woman without kids who has been through breast cancer treatment... the answer isn't a simple one.

Prior to my diagnosis, I thought that I wanted children. I thought that the holdup in my life was that I did not have a husband. The year that I was diagnosed, I set out with all diligence to find that guy to complete the partnership that I desired so that I could have the child that my heart told me that it wanted. I can be honest in hindsight. I was terrified of the thought of being a mother. But, I did want that. I wanted to give my parents the grandchild that they really longed for. And I felt that I was ready to move my life into the next lane. I was an adult, fully grown and all that. It was time. Right?

Well... before I could get started on that journey I found out that I had breast cancer and the only thing that I could focus on was getting rid of the cancer. When I learned that the chemotherapy would probably kill my fertility I panicked. And then I researched my options. Time was critical and money was short... so harvesting eggs and all that just wasn't in the cards for me. The next best option was to have my ovaries put to sleep and hope that they resurrected after my treatment ended. And two years later they did. Only to stop a few months later.

So, now I am a relatively young woman entering menopause and while I enjoy the freedom of life without my menses, I did grieve the loss of having kids for months. I bring all this up today because the other day I had a brief conversation with a girlfriend who is contemplating having children right now and she asked me the inevitable question about my own choice to have children at this point. Because she's my friend I was honest with her. Its not going to happen for me. And for the first time in this journey with breast cancer, that reality doesn't make me weepy and sad.

Right now, I am healthy (relatively) and cancer-free but there is no magic mirror that will tell me whether it will always be this way. If I met my future-husband today and we were married and ready for a family within the next few months... I believe that I would still feel this way. No kids for me. I love children, I do. But it feels totally selfish to think of having kids knowing that they may have to deal with my cancer recurrence in the future. That's not the life that I want for my babies.

This statement may turn off the guys planning to woo me in the future. I am sorry about that. But I think that it will be enough of a challenge to just love me and be able to handle all the many moods of Nicole. I hope that loving me alone will be sufficient for my husband.