What if my whole life has been wrong?

"Don't die with your music still inside you. Listen to your intuitive inner voice and find what passion stirs your soul. Listen to that inner voice, and don't get to the end of your life and say, 'What if my whole life has been wrong?"

-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer.

I saw the quote above in one of my email newsletters today and it struck a chord with me. My family is grieving the death of one of my aunts. She passed away a couple of weeks ago and for me, its still tough to accept. She struggled with lupus for 15 years and ultimately, a rare autoimmune disease weakened her body to the point of death. Notice I said, weakened her body. Not her mind and not her spirit. As I understand it, she was able to let her sons know her last wishes and to let them know when she was ready to go. The rest of us may be still grappling with her death because it seems so sudden and unexpected, but I am very sure that my aunt died in peace.

Because of this unexpected loss, my mom and I have been discussing family and death quite a bit. During a recent conversation about last wishes and funerals she made the comment that she didn't want to die. As in, she never ever wants to leave this earth. I found that remark really strange, even though she's mentioned that before. Just seems strange to me to want to live forever.

I told her that I could die tomorrow and be ok. But of course, I say that as a relatively healthy young woman and not as someone who is currently facing the end of her life. Its very likely that if I were a metastatic breast cancer patient instead of a survivor in remission, I might think differently. However, right now, I'm not afraid of the end of my life. I'm just not. This world will go on whether I'm here or not. And I'm quite okay with that.

What does concern me is what this quote above mentions... my life ending and coming to the realization that I've simply done things all wrong.

*shaking my head* 

Now, that is a frightening thought.

One of my current mantras is... Life is too short. I find myself saying that several times a day in response to everything from "should I eat this slice of pizza?" ... to "are those shoes really cute enough to buy?" and it covers all the space in between. Many times a day, I shrug my shoulders or shake my head and say... "Life is too short" and then proceed to go on with whatever it is that is making me pause. I am not living my life with the thought that I'm not worthy of this or that any more. I'm thinking big about a lot of things... and when I find myself getting comfortable with that, then I push a little harder at the edges and try to expand that thought more.

For example, I want to go back to school. I mentioned it to my best friend a few weeks ago and I explained to her why I was thinking about it. She was encouraging and yet cautious. When I told her the school that I was intending to go to she asked me to consider forgoing that effort and focusing instead on taking the classes that I needed at the local community college.

*shrug*  Life is too short. I ain't doing it. (laughs)

Three years ago (before breast cancer), I may have agreed with her. I would have beat her to the punch about not going for a degree program and just taking a few classes to get the specific understanding that I wanted -- saving myself money and time which would allow me to jump right into the project that I'm planning. But now? These days? *shaking my head* Nope. I'm not going for that.

So, that big name Ivy school that I've dreamed of attending since I was a high school kid... yeah, I'm going for that. I hesitated at first because it will require me to relocate to another state. But when I thought about that for a moment, even that isn't a deterrent.

Look... life is too short. Things change in a damn instant. What I don't want to do is to find myself in a hospital bed one day, knowing that the end is close enough to touch and find myself asking..."what if my whole life was wrong?"

I can afford to risk and lose. But I'm betting on myself to risk and win. I will not live another day thinking that I'm living this life wrong.

What about you?