Last week was my first week back at work. I'm working part-time hours until I regain enough stamina/strength to handle a full day. I will admit that I've been anxious and hesitant to return to work. Anxious because I'm a bit bored at home everyday and hesitant because I am worried that I won't be as good as before. If you haven't figured out by now, I am constantly worried about something. (laughs) I guess its part of my charming personality.
The week actually was ok. More difficult than I imagined it would be but my colleagues were more generous than I imagined they would be, so it balanced out. When my doctor said that I could return and that I should work part-time for a few weeks or so, I sort of thought that he was being overly cautious. I thought that he and I were underestimating my ability and desire to return to normal life. I was so wrong.
The first day, I lasted about 30 minutes. It took me longer to get to work and to get home than I actually worked. I was tired, but mostly I was overwhelmed. There was so much that I had forgotten, so much that seemed so foreign. It was hard. I had not warned anyone that I was coming into the office, so they weren't prepared for me either. Everyone was very warm and nice but I felt oddly out of place. Since I had an appointment to see the radiation oncologist that afternoon, I took the opportunity to leave while I still felt that I had enough energy to get through the appointment and back home.
The second day, I lasted a little longer, just about an hour or so. But Wednesday proved to be even more challenging that Tuesday emotionally. I did very little, but it took me a long time to do that. When I realized that I was becoming really tired, I left. The surprise of being so tired while having done so little overtook me as soon as I walked out of my building and I found myself crying on the corner like a lost child.
Interestingly enough, I had the same feeling the day before but I shook off the tears before they came. But I couldn't hold them back on Wednesday and it took a long time for me to get myself together. Sadness, frustration and general anger... is what made me cry. The sadness about all that I've been through, and all that I'm still going through was amazing. And its even more amazing that it just doesn't seem to ever completely go away, no matter how many good days and happy moments I do have. Frustration at the notion that working a few hours is just where I am right now. And anger about the whole deal. I needed a hug badly on Wednesday... but I was too timid to ask the person I wanted it from the most to simply wrap his arms around me and hold me tight.
So I went without the hug.
I am hopeful that this week at work will be a little better. I rested a lot this weekend and I hope that it will make a difference in the amount of stamina I have for work. But I know this much, afternoon naps are the best! Everyday last week I crawled right into bed as soon as I walked into the house. And napped for a few hours. On Thursday when I was leaving the office, the intern asked me what I was going to do when I got home. I smiled and said... I'm taking a nap! He told me he was jealous.
Sadly, I was jealous of him for a moment too. Because he didn't need a nap. He didn't need someone to help him to move a box or two like I did as I tried to find some files for him. Luckily it passed quickly. The truth is that I wouldn't trade places with anyone else in the world... even with breast cancer.
This week will be an interesting test of will. I want to be able to work my full 4 hours each day. (laughs) It sounds crazy to even say that, but its true. I have chemotherapy on Wednesday - my herceptin infusion. (I still don't like that word, infusion -- it still makes me think of tea or liquor) I will not work that day. For a brief moment, I thought that I would go to work after my treatment -- I don't even know why I felt that. Actually, I do. I have something to prove, to others and to myself. And when I can't do it, I feel like a complete failure. But I do a little more each time than I did the time before, so my failure rate is going down. That's something to be grateful for.
Compared to how I felt during those dark days last fall of chemotherapy -- I feel like a million bucks. My fingernails have all grown back - and only the tips of a few are discolored. For the most part, they are healthy and clear -- a sign of good health. My skin isn't as dry and papery as it used to be either. The radiated area is still discolored but the radiation oncologist said that it looked fine and was healing well. She wants to see me in 6 months, so I'm taking that as a sign that everything is okay. I have hair on my head (and other places too) again, another sign that I'm healthy. All in all, beyond this fatigue I do feel good.
Heck, I made breakfast for the family today and served everyone in bed. :) Not a big deal for most but a huge deal for me. Somedays just walking up the stairs myself takes all the wind out of my sails. Today I stood over a stove for about 40 minutes making pancakes, eggs and sausage, and then carried it upstairs for my folks. I was proud of myself. Well, proud of the effort; the actual meal -- eh. Definitely not my best work. I'm very out of practice. (laughs)
I'm waiting to hear from the geneticist at GW Hospital. Hopefully, I can get the genetic testing done for the breast cancer gene pretty soon. I'd like to schedule my reconstruction surgery within the next month. Even though I won't be having the surgery until October or November, I'd like to get on the calendar now so that I can start preparing mentally for it.
I spoke with the radiation oncologist about the possibility of having kids after all of this was said and done... and she seemed guarded about it. Since reproduction isn't her area of expertise I think she wanted to keep my expectations low but she did tell me (yet again) not to get pregnant while I'm still in treatment. It always makes me smirk when someone asks me if I could be pregnant (the nurses ask me every time I go for chemo) or when one of the doctors tell me not to get pregnant. Beyond the fact that I haven't been intimate in forever... there is the issue that they shut down my ovaries last fall. Sorta hard to get pregnant when your ovaries aren't functioning.
So I smirk. And then respond that I'm taking all precautions not to get pregnant.
(laughs)
My hotflashes tell me that my estrogen production is low. My lack of a menstrual cycle tells me that my ovaries are not releasing any eggs. So... yeah. (gas face) Its gonna take a miracle and probably thousands of dollars that I don't have -- in order for me to give birth any time soon. (shrug) Oh well. Just another obstacle on the path. I'll get beyond it when its time to do so.
I have faith.
I guess its time for me to try to sleep. I may only have to work a few hours but I need to be there on time. :)
Have a happy week. I plan to.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
On Your Feet Project Volunteers serve Friday Night Supper!
The Friday Night Supper Program is a Boston based "soup kitchen." FNSP has served nutritious home-cooked meals to homeless and hungry people in Boston every Friday night since 1984. Every. Friday. Night.
Tonight! 10-15 OYFP volunteers are donating their time to serve hot meals and distribute clothes to over 150 guests.
If you cant make it tonight you can go next Friday, or the Friday after that or...you get the point.
Volunteering with FNSP provides a meaningful way for individuals and groups to “give back” to the community, and it is a wonderful way to meet and work with people who share your concern for helping others. Volunteering also provides a valuable educational opportunity for individuals and groups who want to learn more about and advocate for the end of hunger and related social issues.
Cheers!
Tonight! 10-15 OYFP volunteers are donating their time to serve hot meals and distribute clothes to over 150 guests.
If you cant make it tonight you can go next Friday, or the Friday after that or...you get the point.
Volunteering with FNSP provides a meaningful way for individuals and groups to “give back” to the community, and it is a wonderful way to meet and work with people who share your concern for helping others. Volunteering also provides a valuable educational opportunity for individuals and groups who want to learn more about and advocate for the end of hunger and related social issues.
Cheers!
How's the End of Your Sidewalk?
I am going to pull a Christina here and write about something I have noticed on my walk to work. Recently the end ramps of sidewalks around Teele square in Somerville have been dug up and replaced with these tiles in the picture to the right. 
I didn't know why the city would do this, so I asked around. Is it to help pedestrians navigate the sidewalk when its icy out? Give us traction when it rains?
I didn't know why the city would do this, so I asked around. Is it to help pedestrians navigate the sidewalk when its icy out? Give us traction when it rains?It turns out that that this is a detectable warning tactile tile, which helps visually impaired people find the end of the street and wheelchair users have access to get on and off the sidewalk. I am glad that City of Somerville is making efforts to make their sidewalks more friendly for the individuals that are differently abeled than myself. Isn't it amazing how much you take for granted, such as crossing the street safely?
A point to ponder is why haven't I noticed this tile elsewhere before? Possibly I only noticed this NEW change to the neighborhood, mostly because it effected the path I take to work and there could be longstanding ones in the Boston area that I have never noticed. It also makes me wonder what else I take for granted/ never noticed around my community?
What positive changes have you noticed in your neighborhood lately?
Related Posts: Guide Horse?, Please shovel your sidewalks
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
are blessings graded on a curve?
Something has been on my mind for awhile... and I don't really know how to feel about it. During the course of my cancer journey, several people close to me have lost people close to them from cancer (or have learned that a loved one's cancer is untreatable). Each time this conversation has taken place, the person sharing the story eventually says to me...
You are blessed. You are still alive. Or, your cancer is treatable so you should be thankful.
*blank look*
Until recently, I've been unable to clearly articulate how this statement was like a dagger in my heart. Yes, I am blessed. My cancer has responded well to my treatment. My job has been fantastic about working with me through my disability. My family and friends have been super-supportive of me. So, I know that I am blessed.
What makes me cringe is the notion that the people who died, or who have been handed a "death sentence" by cancer... are somehow NOT blessed.
We are all fortunate in our lives in some way... every day. Each of us. And while you may not be dealing with something like cancer, there is likely something in your life right now that is giving you fits. But through it all, you are blessed. And even if you don't feel like that every moment of every day, I'm pretty sure that you know it deep down in your spirit.
I have breast cancer. It is scary and makes me feel helpless. But through it all, I am blessed. Not because of my particular circumstances but despite them.
One of my twitterfriends is a pastor (whom I've never met) and his wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer last month. She has already had her mastectomy and just began her chemotherapy treatment. When her husband posted a link to her blog, I took a glimpse into her life and her mindset. I was blown away.
This sister said that she was grateful that God had given her cancer because she knew that this trial was another way for God to show his blessings to others through her. It was a way to increase her ministry.
wow.
Y'all know me... I am NOT there. (laughs) But I was impressed with her outlook on what I know to be a very frightening time in her life. My question about blessings being graded on a curve is a real one. Should I feel more blessed because today my cancer is treatable and my prognosis is good? And if so... how should I feel if my cancer returns? It is a distinct possibility.
I was discussing the death of Wayman Tisdale with a friend who was acquainted with Wayman personally. The death hit him pretty hard - but I think he was surprised to learn that it hit me hard as well, since I didn't know him. But his death was a reminder that no matter how prepared I may be to deal with this cancer -- if it ultimately chooses to take me out, it will. To my understanding Wayman did all that he was told would help him to rid his body of cancer and yet, cancer still had its way in the end.
As I continue to weigh the pros and cons of prophylactic surgery when I have my reconstruction surgery... I keep asking myself is it worth it? All of this? There are no guarantees that any of these life-saving measures will actually save my life. And then the question becomes... if, one day, I find myself faced with the absolute end, will the efforts to hold it off have been worth it? And will I still know deep in my heart that I am blessed?
-----------
Speaking of prophylactic surgery... I watched Oprah's breast cancer episode on Monday afternoon. I learned that for women who have/had breast cancer, the chances of recurrence in the other breast is higher for those women who have the BRCA1 or BRCA2 breast cancer genes. The difference is HUGE. Breast cancer patients/survivors with the gene have an almost 50% chance of breast cancer coming back in their other breast. Those without the gene have about a 5% chance of recurrence.
sigh.
So, my anger about the plastic surgeon's recommendation that I remove my other breast as a preventative measure has calmed down now. I still don't want to lose my breast but I have decided to get the genetic testing to help the decision making process. If I do have the genes, then it will make my decision that much easier. Well, not easier but you know what I mean.
I am working hard at making these decisions in a very logical fashion. Although no one can guarantee me that all of these efforts will not ultimately be in vain, something within me is forcing me to keep trying.
I am grateful for that urging.
You are blessed. You are still alive. Or, your cancer is treatable so you should be thankful.
*blank look*
Until recently, I've been unable to clearly articulate how this statement was like a dagger in my heart. Yes, I am blessed. My cancer has responded well to my treatment. My job has been fantastic about working with me through my disability. My family and friends have been super-supportive of me. So, I know that I am blessed.
What makes me cringe is the notion that the people who died, or who have been handed a "death sentence" by cancer... are somehow NOT blessed.
We are all fortunate in our lives in some way... every day. Each of us. And while you may not be dealing with something like cancer, there is likely something in your life right now that is giving you fits. But through it all, you are blessed. And even if you don't feel like that every moment of every day, I'm pretty sure that you know it deep down in your spirit.
I have breast cancer. It is scary and makes me feel helpless. But through it all, I am blessed. Not because of my particular circumstances but despite them.
One of my twitterfriends is a pastor (whom I've never met) and his wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer last month. She has already had her mastectomy and just began her chemotherapy treatment. When her husband posted a link to her blog, I took a glimpse into her life and her mindset. I was blown away.
This sister said that she was grateful that God had given her cancer because she knew that this trial was another way for God to show his blessings to others through her. It was a way to increase her ministry.
wow.
Y'all know me... I am NOT there. (laughs) But I was impressed with her outlook on what I know to be a very frightening time in her life. My question about blessings being graded on a curve is a real one. Should I feel more blessed because today my cancer is treatable and my prognosis is good? And if so... how should I feel if my cancer returns? It is a distinct possibility.
I was discussing the death of Wayman Tisdale with a friend who was acquainted with Wayman personally. The death hit him pretty hard - but I think he was surprised to learn that it hit me hard as well, since I didn't know him. But his death was a reminder that no matter how prepared I may be to deal with this cancer -- if it ultimately chooses to take me out, it will. To my understanding Wayman did all that he was told would help him to rid his body of cancer and yet, cancer still had its way in the end.
As I continue to weigh the pros and cons of prophylactic surgery when I have my reconstruction surgery... I keep asking myself is it worth it? All of this? There are no guarantees that any of these life-saving measures will actually save my life. And then the question becomes... if, one day, I find myself faced with the absolute end, will the efforts to hold it off have been worth it? And will I still know deep in my heart that I am blessed?
-----------
Speaking of prophylactic surgery... I watched Oprah's breast cancer episode on Monday afternoon. I learned that for women who have/had breast cancer, the chances of recurrence in the other breast is higher for those women who have the BRCA1 or BRCA2 breast cancer genes. The difference is HUGE. Breast cancer patients/survivors with the gene have an almost 50% chance of breast cancer coming back in their other breast. Those without the gene have about a 5% chance of recurrence.
sigh.
So, my anger about the plastic surgeon's recommendation that I remove my other breast as a preventative measure has calmed down now. I still don't want to lose my breast but I have decided to get the genetic testing to help the decision making process. If I do have the genes, then it will make my decision that much easier. Well, not easier but you know what I mean.
I am working hard at making these decisions in a very logical fashion. Although no one can guarantee me that all of these efforts will not ultimately be in vain, something within me is forcing me to keep trying.
I am grateful for that urging.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Ending Childhood Hunger - What you can do
Today, more than 12 million children in the United States do not know when their next meal will come. Unfortunately, this number continues to rise as these difficult economic times are leaving more and more people jobless, without homes, and unable to provide food for their families.
What can you, one person, do?
1. Sign-up to host a bake sale: http://www.GreatAmericanBakeSale.org/vgabs, and then actually host it. Easy as pie (literally)! Host it at work, on your sidewalk, at your church, etc. Get creative!
2. Buy the virtual Great American Bake Sale eBook:
http://StolenMomentsCooking.com/virtual-gabs
3. Post a ChipIn widget or banner on your blog:
http://www.GreatAmericanBakeSale.org/bloggers
Together we can work together to end childhood hunger.
Photo courtesy of Whipped Bakeshop in Philadelphia, PA.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Memorial Day - Tribute to the Troops
No matter your political views, most of us can appreciate the sacrifice individuals make when they volunteer to serve in the US armed forces.
This past March, my boyfriend and I spent two weeks in Honduras to rest, relax, and explore. During our time on Roatan (an island off the coast of Honduras), we met a group of Navy people (sea men?) who had volunteered to help build schools on the island. The Navy also donated $9,000 towards the effort.Most of the sailors on the ship moored just off the coast of the island chose to rest and relax like Terrence and I did, but it was really touching to see this group of sailors who chose to give up a few days to help build the school, play with the kids, and make a difference in a place where 75% of kids do not attend school.
So on this Memorial Day, I'm saying thanks for the things our armed forces do that are above and beyond protecting us - for reaching out and helping people who really, truly need it. Thank you.
The photo is of laundry drying in a village on Roatan island in Honduras.
Friday, May 22, 2009
a sweaty mess... and i need to temper my thoughts
It is 430 am and I am a sweaty mess. The routine is the same night after night. I find it interesting that while I was in Florida, my hot flashes were minimal. Not sure if its because it was hot like Hades there and I couldn't tell the difference or because I kept the air conditioning so low in the room that sweat didn't dare show up out of fear of instant evaporation.
Whatever the case, not working here. Definitely. However, there is good news. Relative good news, that is. I read somewhere earlier this evening that suffering through hot flashes was actually a good sign.
I will have to remind myself of this often over the next few years. Because honey... this sweating all night long (for no good reason) is for the birds.
....wanted to add that the whining and complaining I used as my last blog entry was a sad display. It is a tragedy that I have become afraid of living and dying at the same time. That there is some punk logic for ya. Since I'm up, I'm giving myself a mental pep talk.
Life is too short - with or without cancer - to live afraid. You can't function that way. Its crazy.
Yes, I have cancer. More than likely, I'll beat it. I was about to say but... but I won't. More than likely, I will beat it. More than likely, I will beat cancer.
Even though I can think that and somewhat believe it ...when I close my eyes, I see the faces of women who didn't make it. (shaking my head) I don't know family, finding that place of peace within the notion of death is more difficult than I thought.
Whew.
Whatever the case, not working here. Definitely. However, there is good news. Relative good news, that is. I read somewhere earlier this evening that suffering through hot flashes was actually a good sign.
...women who are experiencing hot flashes have an associated lower level of estrogen circulating in their bloodstreams, while the absence of hot flashes is associated with higher levels of estrogen. And it so happens that reducing the amount of circulating estrogen is a major treatment strategy in breast cancer.
I will have to remind myself of this often over the next few years. Because honey... this sweating all night long (for no good reason) is for the birds.
....wanted to add that the whining and complaining I used as my last blog entry was a sad display. It is a tragedy that I have become afraid of living and dying at the same time. That there is some punk logic for ya. Since I'm up, I'm giving myself a mental pep talk.
Life is too short - with or without cancer - to live afraid. You can't function that way. Its crazy.
Yes, I have cancer. More than likely, I'll beat it. I was about to say but... but I won't. More than likely, I will beat it. More than likely, I will beat cancer.
Even though I can think that and somewhat believe it ...when I close my eyes, I see the faces of women who didn't make it. (shaking my head) I don't know family, finding that place of peace within the notion of death is more difficult than I thought.
Whew.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
struggling with the fear of 5
5 is a magic number when you have breast cancer. After chemotherapy, surgery and radiation treatment... I am taking a drug, tamoxifen, for 5 years to help reduce the risk of recurrence. Your chances of recurrence drop off significantly after 5 years. However, if your cancer recurs within 2 years, it doesn't bode well for your survival. At least that's what I've been reading lately.
Why is this on my mind? Because I've begun to think about the future. Making plans and thinking thoughts... about buying a home (finally), buying a luxury car, travelling around the world and maybe if I'm blessed... having a family.
But for everything on my wish list, I have a nagging thought about "what if I'm not here to finish paying for or taking care of it?" So, for example, I look at real estate listings just about everyday and my desires change everyday about what sort of purchase I would like to make. One day, I want something small and cheap because I want to have more disposable income available so that I can buy the dream car I want and travel like I want and continue to live a single girl's lifestyle. A few days later, I want to spend more and stretch myself to get the brand new(ish) house that is full of upgrades and such because I think... if I'm only going to be in it for a few years I want to appreciate the whole experience.
Its irrational, I know. But the anxiety is starting to choke me. I've been going through similar worrying sessions about buying a car, selecting vacation destinations and more. I want to go back to school. Is it worth my time to pursue degrees I may never use? Or should I use the time to do other things, like travel to countries I've always wanted to visit.
The truth is that I don't know how much time I have left. I don't know if I'll be here another 50 years or 50 days. And my fear and anxiety is illogical and irrational. But I feel it... deep in my heart and it scares me.
Part of the reason I haven't tried to purchase a house before now, or have kids or get the luxury car... is because I've been living with my life on hold. I've been waiting for "something" to come along; the love of my life, the outrageously wonderful job, the feeling that finally I'm adult enough to handle my own life. But I didn't live in the moment enough to recognize that I've loved a lot in my life - even though I never married. I would have been a good mother - if I had just believed in myself. I'm just as smart as my friends who have more degrees all together than I think should be allowed by law. And yes! I deserve full length fur coats and fancy cars... if that's what would make me smile. Why did I think those things were too much for me to have? And why now am I still worried about reaching out for them?
Its maddening to be so wishy-washy about your own life.
I can't turn the clock back and make myself appreciate myself more. But faced with the risks of death that cancer brings, I now feel that now I have permission to fully appreciate myself and do what I want to do. However, when I think about the things I want and how long it may take to get them... I start thinking about the magic 5. And I get stuck all over again.
Utter madness.
Life is really about the journey moreso than the destination. Procrastination has stolen years from me while I waited for perfection to show up. (it seems so silly now) The other day my mother and I were talking about relationships and dating and she said to me that my problem was that I was looking for perfection in a man. I didn't agree with that as it pertained to dating. But I do think its applicable for me regarding so many other things in my life. I have lived so much for tomorrow, that I never got to enjoy today. Procrastination stole years I thought I had, and then cancer tried to the rest. The shame of it all...
I've never watched the movie "The Bucket List" but one of the suggestions I got from one of the many cancer books I've read over these past months was to make a list of goals and work toward reaching them. This concept was supposed to help keep a bit of normalcy in your life -- give you things to look forward to. I have been thinking a lot about the things I want to do, the way that I want to live my life and when it dawned on me the other day that I was creating a bucket list, I got sad.
I know that I'm being a big baby about this stuff. Just buy the car, Nic. Start the process to buy the condo you want. Take some classes toward that new degree. Its not complicated. But it is. And that frustrates me. I'm struggling with the "what ifs"... and its silly and childish I know. I'm working my way through it. No doubt you'll start to hear bits and pieces about the goals I'm working toward. Pay me no mind. I am just working through some thangs. It will be alright.
Why is this on my mind? Because I've begun to think about the future. Making plans and thinking thoughts... about buying a home (finally), buying a luxury car, travelling around the world and maybe if I'm blessed... having a family.
But for everything on my wish list, I have a nagging thought about "what if I'm not here to finish paying for or taking care of it?" So, for example, I look at real estate listings just about everyday and my desires change everyday about what sort of purchase I would like to make. One day, I want something small and cheap because I want to have more disposable income available so that I can buy the dream car I want and travel like I want and continue to live a single girl's lifestyle. A few days later, I want to spend more and stretch myself to get the brand new(ish) house that is full of upgrades and such because I think... if I'm only going to be in it for a few years I want to appreciate the whole experience.
Its irrational, I know. But the anxiety is starting to choke me. I've been going through similar worrying sessions about buying a car, selecting vacation destinations and more. I want to go back to school. Is it worth my time to pursue degrees I may never use? Or should I use the time to do other things, like travel to countries I've always wanted to visit.
The truth is that I don't know how much time I have left. I don't know if I'll be here another 50 years or 50 days. And my fear and anxiety is illogical and irrational. But I feel it... deep in my heart and it scares me.
Part of the reason I haven't tried to purchase a house before now, or have kids or get the luxury car... is because I've been living with my life on hold. I've been waiting for "something" to come along; the love of my life, the outrageously wonderful job, the feeling that finally I'm adult enough to handle my own life. But I didn't live in the moment enough to recognize that I've loved a lot in my life - even though I never married. I would have been a good mother - if I had just believed in myself. I'm just as smart as my friends who have more degrees all together than I think should be allowed by law. And yes! I deserve full length fur coats and fancy cars... if that's what would make me smile. Why did I think those things were too much for me to have? And why now am I still worried about reaching out for them?
Its maddening to be so wishy-washy about your own life.
I can't turn the clock back and make myself appreciate myself more. But faced with the risks of death that cancer brings, I now feel that now I have permission to fully appreciate myself and do what I want to do. However, when I think about the things I want and how long it may take to get them... I start thinking about the magic 5. And I get stuck all over again.
Utter madness.
Life is really about the journey moreso than the destination. Procrastination has stolen years from me while I waited for perfection to show up. (it seems so silly now) The other day my mother and I were talking about relationships and dating and she said to me that my problem was that I was looking for perfection in a man. I didn't agree with that as it pertained to dating. But I do think its applicable for me regarding so many other things in my life. I have lived so much for tomorrow, that I never got to enjoy today. Procrastination stole years I thought I had, and then cancer tried to the rest. The shame of it all...
I've never watched the movie "The Bucket List" but one of the suggestions I got from one of the many cancer books I've read over these past months was to make a list of goals and work toward reaching them. This concept was supposed to help keep a bit of normalcy in your life -- give you things to look forward to. I have been thinking a lot about the things I want to do, the way that I want to live my life and when it dawned on me the other day that I was creating a bucket list, I got sad.
I know that I'm being a big baby about this stuff. Just buy the car, Nic. Start the process to buy the condo you want. Take some classes toward that new degree. Its not complicated. But it is. And that frustrates me. I'm struggling with the "what ifs"... and its silly and childish I know. I'm working my way through it. No doubt you'll start to hear bits and pieces about the goals I'm working toward. Pay me no mind. I am just working through some thangs. It will be alright.
GUEST POST: thank you
I'm sharing this post from another breast cancer blogger because I could not have worded this better. I thank every one of you who has chosen to stand with me, or with your friend/family member with cancer. We know its hard for you and just as you wish you could take this away from us, we wish we could take the worry and pain away from you as well. Please read the following and know that I feel the same way. THANK YOU!
-----------------------
http://raisingmaine.mainetoday.com//blogentry.html?id=13427
-----------------------
http://raisingmaine.mainetoday.com//blogentry.html?id=13427
Thank You
May 21, 2009 10:08 PM 0 comments, below
Categories: My Life Tags: Cancer, Support, Help, Thank you,
I was about to write a blog about my dang iPhone breaking again, when I read the comment section of my Farrah’s Story blog and came across Girl Talk’s comment.
She writes:
I was disappointed to have missed her story although I'm not sure I would have gotten through it - I watched my father-in-law try to battle pancreatic cancer for 13 months and am currently dealing with a friend battling breast cancer... it's very painful being a by-stander.
It was that last line that got me. So I’ll tell you the story of my crazy ridiculous ride with my Apple phone (4th phone in 8 months and going for a fifth tomorrow) another day—right now I need to talk to Kristen and everyone else who’s ever had to sit and “watch” someone have cancer.
Let me say that on behalf of myself and the too-many-other cancer patients out there who've been lucky enough to have you care about us, I thank you. You, who sits there and worries, and cries, and gets scared, and can’t sleep; you who tries to buy or make or do or say just the right thing to make us feel better, feel happy, get distracted, smile or in chemo-induced moments, eat something—what else is there to convey to you wonderful, important, helpless individuals but that you are-- in a nutshell--the best.
We cancer patients are scared, and we’re fighting. We have a goal and we have our drugs and our treatment plans and our maps for kicking cancer’s –ss. You on the other hand don’t have that focus: you are watching and waiting and worrying, and wondering—wondering if standing there feeling helpless and un-useful is really doing us any good.
Well I’m here to assure you, in no uncertain terms, that the answer to your furrowed brow question is Y-E-S.
You see, sometimes helping out has nothing to do with effort--even though I'm sure it doesn't feel like that. For most of our lives, effort has usually brought some kind of result; like when you volunteer to drive us to our 5th chemotherapy drip or bring a homemade meal over so we don’t have to worry about cooking at a time like this, you can feel the fruits or your labor. You clearly helped. You know where you stand. And it's so true; these are obvious moments where your generosity and kindness, mixed with your gas mileage, time and recipes, serves to lighten our cancer load and helps us make it through another rotten day.
But there are other times, indeed all the rest of the time, when you’re sitting at your home, staring at your phone and thinking of calling, but not wanting to wake us from what you hope is a nap we’re taking-- wondering how we are, what else could you be doing, and whether anything of the seemingly tiny things you’ve done to help us out of our trauma even mattered. I tell you, they do.
And as you go off and do things in your day that you want to enjoy but up next to our cancer now seem almost indulgent—the running around the grocery store with your biggest worry being what’s on sale, the catching up with a friend for a latte and to dish about the latest People Magazine, or the going to sleep knowing your kids are safe in bed and you are a healthy strong woman whose friend is battling something you pray you never get-- you wonder, how much more of this can I take? How much more of someone else’s cancer can I witness? Am I strong enough for this? What does this all mean for me? Is being scared of this okay, or am I one big failure as a friend?
Let me tell you, all those feelings are so absolutely okay they’re practically textbook cases of what happens when cancer hits your intimate circle: and as the friend around the friend/sister/cousin/husband/wife or someone-you-know with cancer, you have every right to have these moments. You have every right to live your life, to help out when you can, and even in certain moments to want to back away and pretend none of it is even happening.
But hear this: our cancer is not your cancer. In fact, it can’t be yours, we need you to be strong, and healthy, and we relish that for you. And we hope to be just like you again as soon as this hell is over. And when you take a break and need some time for you, take it—and don’t feel guilty. We get how hard it is, believe me, we get that loud and clear.
So thank you to all the outsiders, the bystanders, the ones who watch, and worry and wait. You are scared, we know, for us and for you. So thank you for coming so near at a time you may want to go running for a door. Thank you for just standing by or for not saying anything but offering your hand to hold, your shoulder to lean on, your smile and wink as comfort. It works. It really works.
I don’t know why cancer hits the people that it does, but we the bulls-eyed would be nowhere without you who encircle us: not only do you define our space on the dart board, but you envelop us in the love and support we need to give this fight the best we got, win, lose or draw.
And we are very, very grateful.
Monday, May 18, 2009
this weekend, i let folks "love on me"... and it was good
The theme of the week is "walk in love". I got that from my event on Saturday afternoon with the sisters and brothers of IASK. Before my talk, the group discussed walking in love as a way of life. We were tasked with showing love to someone (friend, family, colleague, etc.) who had been unloving toward us.
The sister who came to mind for me as someone I needed to show love to, was a sister whose name I don't even know. Some of you may remember her from a post back in December. She was the receptionist at the plastic surgeon's office who left me and my boyfriend sitting in the waiting room for hours, because she failed to properly (at all) process my information so that I could see the doctor in a timely fashion. During that time I was rundown from the chemo and I just refused to be negative or harsh to anyone. But what that meant was that in some situations (like that one) I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. (shrug)
I have seen that sister again because I'm in that medical building all the time for my treatments. Most of the doctors that I see are housed there. Although on that day, my boyfriend and I did make a comment to one of the nurses who did eventually get a chance to assist me, I have still harbored some negative feelings about her lack of professionalism and pitiful empathy for a sick person (me). When I have seen her again, all I could do was roll my eyes, and avoid talking to her at any cost. My rationale has been that I don't like her but I may have to deal with her so if I don't say anything to her I will be able to continue to conduct my business with minimal distractions between us. But... outside of her job as the receptionist, she's a human being. And in all honesty, she probably was just in a mindless space that day and simply forgot about me. It was close to the holidays. So far, the only person who has really been harmed in the transaction is me -- because I'm holding a grudge against someone I don't even know for an infraction she probably doesn't even remember committing.
I need to let it go and walk in love.
It was 5 months ago. (smile) You would think after all of the medical personnel that I have dealt with, she wouldn't even register in my mind. Sadly, she does. So, I am thinking of a way that I can be loving toward her... and hopefully remove this feeling in my heart that I have.
On Sunday, I spoke at "Women Speak" and it was an equally awesome experience. I talked about my experience but I also talked about how important it is for all of us to just let people "love on us". Black women are great at loving on others - family, friends, kids, etc. We make it our business to love and care and nurture those people in our lives. But when it comes to allowing others to take care of us, to simply "love on" us... we often balk. We lean back on our superwoman capes and tell ourselves (and anyone who will listen) that we don't "need" anything. That we can do it by ourselves.
And while that's true probably -- you CAN do it by yourself -- sometimes you really have to just be strong enough to rest, relax and let someone else love on you. The ladies at Women Speak loved on me Sunday afternoon. They laid hands on me, said a prayer for my healing and blessed my heart with their ability to love me -- even as I sat in front of them talking about how broken and heart-broken I felt. They just "loved on" me (little ol' me). And it was so beautiful.
I've been thinking about this weekend all day, I'm still in the bed because this cold I caught last week, just won't turn me loose. I've come to the conclusion that, I don't let people love on me enough. I stood in the middle of that circle on Sunday and cried like a baby. It felt so good to be loved on that way.
One of the hardest parts about breaking up with someone (yes, I'm talking about him again, lol)... is that you miss the intimacy that being in a relationship brings to your life. I miss the hugs and cheek-kisses, the laughs and hand-holding. And I didn't know how much I missed it until my sistas shared their hugs and kisses with me on Sunday.
When you're sick, people see you in your most fragile and vulnerable state. And they don't want to cause you any pain, so they often treat you gingerly. That's actually fine. And since I've been in treatment, I've had a few problems because of infections that have left me in the hospital or in the bed for days at a time. The truth is that my immune system is weakened and my body spends a lot of energy trying to heal itself. So, while I know logically that its best for me not to touch, hug, etc. lots of people... my spirit does still need that human connection from time to time.
I let the women who attended Women Speak love on me (see the picture of all the women holding their hands on me) and I feel so blessed because of it.
Let somebody love on you. And if there is someone who is unloving to you, show them some love this week. It may make a difference.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Puppies Behind Bars
I know, I know. It has been awhile since I blogged. Blame work, blame my class, blame my lack of motivation. However. This morning, in the process of working (yes I realize it's Saturday), I came across the organization Puppies Behind Bars, and was so moved, I cried. Yes, tears fell on my work laptop.
Why all the emotion? Because of this video.
I believe that US prisons have long been broken. The 
primary goal of prisons is to punish people for their illegal acts, which the system does a fairly good job of. The second goal, however, is to rehabilitate them for their re-entry into society. And that is where the prison system is flawed. Counseling sessions and job training classes only go so far - many prisoners can't be reached. Puppies, however --- puppies can get in.
primary goal of prisons is to punish people for their illegal acts, which the system does a fairly good job of. The second goal, however, is to rehabilitate them for their re-entry into society. And that is where the prison system is flawed. Counseling sessions and job training classes only go so far - many prisoners can't be reached. Puppies, however --- puppies can get in.Puppies Behind Bars accomplishes two things: Training service dogs for disabled people, and rehabilitating prisoners. The dogs stay with the prisoners 24 hours a day, and the prisoners are responsible for training them and taking care of them. In return, they get love and loyalty from their dog, and the knowledge that the dog is going to help someone who really needs it - a disabled veteran or other disabled person.
The experience really seems to transform the prisoners, not to mention the person who receives the trained dog. The prisoners reconnect with the part of them that has empathy - a part lost long ago, and which probably led to them committing crime. I believe that participation in the program will lead to lower rates of recidivism, but Puppies Behind Bars does not have statistics available.
There are a lot of non-profits out there, but this one may now be my favorite (aside from OYFP of course). The win-win situation really inspires me, and moves me.
What do you think of the program?
The experience really seems to transform the prisoners, not to mention the person who receives the trained dog. The prisoners reconnect with the part of them that has empathy - a part lost long ago, and which probably led to them committing crime. I believe that participation in the program will lead to lower rates of recidivism, but Puppies Behind Bars does not have statistics available.
There are a lot of non-profits out there, but this one may now be my favorite (aside from OYFP of course). The win-win situation really inspires me, and moves me.
What do you think of the program?
Friday, May 15, 2009
GUEST POST: "my ode to Nicole"
This post was shared in my email group last week by one of the group members. I wanted to share her message because her issue with her "fabulous boobies" - though brief - was a great reminder that taking care of yourself is a responsibility that we all have. The story doesn't have to start (or end) with cancer. Sometimes an obstacle can be merely a bump in the road that reminds us that tomorrow isn't promised so let's take care of today.
~Nic
-------------------------------------------------
As some of you may know, I've been a member of the group for years. Alternating between active (LOUD) and not-so-active (LURKING). I've received alot from this board; many laughs, some outrage, a little arrogance, some humbling, and even some tears.
The tears were more suprising to me. I'm an empathetic person, caring and kind, but with this vast virtual world of the internet, feelings and emotions - especially those which brings tears - are far and few between for me. Ahh, but I've been selfish with DCSG...cherry picking the best information and laughs and using the group when necessary. Not malicious, but somehow unfair to those who put so much time and effort to keep this group what is has been and allowing it to grow to where it is.
During this past year, I've been almost riveted in my seat reading Nicole's blog about breast cancer and her journey. Frozen sometimes. She once asked us to share how her blog and experience might have affected us and I literally froze. Me!? I couldn't get it out. I didn't even know what I was trying to get out. It felt scary and ugly and made me emotional and I didn't understand why. I felt that the blog was so personal and I was sneaking and reading someone's diary when I shouldn't. I didn't want to hear about her pain, but I couldn't stop reading. I wondered why I read about the boyfriend one day and then thereafter I didn't and I was scared to ask - but I wanted to know. I constantly looked down at my (not so big) breasts and realized that I never gave them much thought - not really any consideration. My breast are moderate in size - big enough to have cleavage - small and high enough to go braless. I thought them cute and functional.
Just being 37, I didn't have a requirement to get an annual mammogram. I'd had a fibroid adenoma when I was in high school, so I half-heartedly performed self-exams and went for my yearly pap/exam checkups so I never bothered. I'll wait til I'm 40 I said.
So a little over a month ago, I found a lump during one of my shower self-exams. And I kept feeling and feeling and pressing it to make sure that I wasn't freaking myself out in some way. And there it was - pretty large and defined and just....there. I asked my husband to come take a feel and he said he felt it too. And I lost it. I don't know why but I FREAKED OUT. I remember telling myself if only I'd call Nicole or sent her that damn purse she wanted or bought her that Kindle like I wanted to or simply responded to her request on how this affected us. I remembered feeling sad - not pity - but just a great sadness for her but mostly and selfishly just scared for me.
I scheduled my doctor's visit and when I arrived I told myself over and over not to cry. But as soon as I saw my doctor's face I just burst in tears. She was a little taken aback to say the least, LOL, but when she realized why I was there, she moved quickly to sooth me and proceeded with her examination. And that's when she told me that I was going to have to have a mammogram because there was definitely SOMETHING there. So I scheduled my appointment for a week and a half later (May 11). During this time, all I kept thinking about was this SOMETHING. I would find myself absently rubbing on it while watching tv or in my office. I would read everything that I could about lumps and bumps and borrowed The Breast Book from a friend of mine.
And then I went back and read Nicole's blog from the beginning. And I laughed and cried and cried some more and laughed again and smiled and then cried some more.
I went in for my mammogram this Monday. My husband came but wasn't allowed "in the back" as it's for ladies' only. When I went back and undressed and sat waiting in my gown, I looked around at all the other girls/women there and wondered - is she like me wondering? Is she a survivor? Is this just her check up? I didn't know so I didn't speak to anyone for fear that I would upset someone. So I sat quietly and then thought of all the times that Nicole has gone through this and all the sitting and waiting and wondering and pondering and I think that's when it hit me.
I didn't realize why I was so scared and quiet through Nicole's experience. But the only way that I know how to say this is to just say it. When faced with someone else's mortality you are often faced with your own. And I just wasn't ready. I don't know if some of us are moreso then others - I don't know if it's because of guilt or fear of the unknown. It reminds me of people who say that they wouldn't want one of those virtual body scans because they really wouldn't want to know if something was "wrong". If someone could tell you when "the end" was going to be for you - would you really want to know? Well I didn't and I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think of leaving my son alone with no family (outside of my husband who is not his father) or just not being. I wasn't prepared to face that. And I don't think I'm strong; Nicole often said that she didn't think she was or that maybe that phrase was annoying in some way, but I have to disagree. Strong is the spirit within you that makes you stand up and face the world and everything that it brings you. Nicole has been and is strong enough to not only face these issues, but to share them with us?! Do you know the gift that she's given you?
So I had my mammogram. It was uncomfortable. It was not painful. And it was not cancer. It was a cyst - fluid filled and taken care of right there by the radiologist.
And I wanted to share this and to thank you, Nicole, because I don't know if I would have taken it seriously or gone to the doctor or had a mammogram or checking myself each month if it wasn't for you and what you've shared. I don't know if I would have made that living will in November or told my mother how much she really meant to me if it wasn't for you encouraging us and reminding us of those we love.
So this is my ode to you and to share with you what your gift of story has done for me. I'm so glad that things seem to be turning a corner for the best in your journey. I'm so grateful to you for just being you and sharing yourself and your joy (and sorrows) with me.
Be Blessed!!!!
Div aka Sharon
~Nic
-------------------------------------------------
As some of you may know, I've been a member of the group for years. Alternating between active (LOUD) and not-so-active (LURKING). I've received alot from this board; many laughs, some outrage, a little arrogance, some humbling, and even some tears.
The tears were more suprising to me. I'm an empathetic person, caring and kind, but with this vast virtual world of the internet, feelings and emotions - especially those which brings tears - are far and few between for me. Ahh, but I've been selfish with DCSG...cherry picking the best information and laughs and using the group when necessary. Not malicious, but somehow unfair to those who put so much time and effort to keep this group what is has been and allowing it to grow to where it is.
During this past year, I've been almost riveted in my seat reading Nicole's blog about breast cancer and her journey. Frozen sometimes. She once asked us to share how her blog and experience might have affected us and I literally froze. Me!? I couldn't get it out. I didn't even know what I was trying to get out. It felt scary and ugly and made me emotional and I didn't understand why. I felt that the blog was so personal and I was sneaking and reading someone's diary when I shouldn't. I didn't want to hear about her pain, but I couldn't stop reading. I wondered why I read about the boyfriend one day and then thereafter I didn't and I was scared to ask - but I wanted to know. I constantly looked down at my (not so big) breasts and realized that I never gave them much thought - not really any consideration. My breast are moderate in size - big enough to have cleavage - small and high enough to go braless. I thought them cute and functional.
Just being 37, I didn't have a requirement to get an annual mammogram. I'd had a fibroid adenoma when I was in high school, so I half-heartedly performed self-exams and went for my yearly pap/exam checkups so I never bothered. I'll wait til I'm 40 I said.
So a little over a month ago, I found a lump during one of my shower self-exams. And I kept feeling and feeling and pressing it to make sure that I wasn't freaking myself out in some way. And there it was - pretty large and defined and just....there. I asked my husband to come take a feel and he said he felt it too. And I lost it. I don't know why but I FREAKED OUT. I remember telling myself if only I'd call Nicole or sent her that damn purse she wanted or bought her that Kindle like I wanted to or simply responded to her request on how this affected us. I remembered feeling sad - not pity - but just a great sadness for her but mostly and selfishly just scared for me.
I scheduled my doctor's visit and when I arrived I told myself over and over not to cry. But as soon as I saw my doctor's face I just burst in tears. She was a little taken aback to say the least, LOL, but when she realized why I was there, she moved quickly to sooth me and proceeded with her examination. And that's when she told me that I was going to have to have a mammogram because there was definitely SOMETHING there. So I scheduled my appointment for a week and a half later (May 11). During this time, all I kept thinking about was this SOMETHING. I would find myself absently rubbing on it while watching tv or in my office. I would read everything that I could about lumps and bumps and borrowed The Breast Book from a friend of mine.
And then I went back and read Nicole's blog from the beginning. And I laughed and cried and cried some more and laughed again and smiled and then cried some more.
I went in for my mammogram this Monday. My husband came but wasn't allowed "in the back" as it's for ladies' only. When I went back and undressed and sat waiting in my gown, I looked around at all the other girls/women there and wondered - is she like me wondering? Is she a survivor? Is this just her check up? I didn't know so I didn't speak to anyone for fear that I would upset someone. So I sat quietly and then thought of all the times that Nicole has gone through this and all the sitting and waiting and wondering and pondering and I think that's when it hit me.
I didn't realize why I was so scared and quiet through Nicole's experience. But the only way that I know how to say this is to just say it. When faced with someone else's mortality you are often faced with your own. And I just wasn't ready. I don't know if some of us are moreso then others - I don't know if it's because of guilt or fear of the unknown. It reminds me of people who say that they wouldn't want one of those virtual body scans because they really wouldn't want to know if something was "wrong". If someone could tell you when "the end" was going to be for you - would you really want to know? Well I didn't and I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think of leaving my son alone with no family (outside of my husband who is not his father) or just not being. I wasn't prepared to face that. And I don't think I'm strong; Nicole often said that she didn't think she was or that maybe that phrase was annoying in some way, but I have to disagree. Strong is the spirit within you that makes you stand up and face the world and everything that it brings you. Nicole has been and is strong enough to not only face these issues, but to share them with us?! Do you know the gift that she's given you?
So I had my mammogram. It was uncomfortable. It was not painful. And it was not cancer. It was a cyst - fluid filled and taken care of right there by the radiologist.
And I wanted to share this and to thank you, Nicole, because I don't know if I would have taken it seriously or gone to the doctor or had a mammogram or checking myself each month if it wasn't for you and what you've shared. I don't know if I would have made that living will in November or told my mother how much she really meant to me if it wasn't for you encouraging us and reminding us of those we love.
So this is my ode to you and to share with you what your gift of story has done for me. I'm so glad that things seem to be turning a corner for the best in your journey. I'm so grateful to you for just being you and sharing yourself and your joy (and sorrows) with me.
Be Blessed!!!!
Div aka Sharon
"nothing left to say"...
Wayman Tisdale died today. He was 44 and had bone cancer. He was a former NBA star and a world-known jazz artist. And though I have never crossed paths with him in my life... my heart is heavy with ache for his family. I was going to share a link of a video of him from last September. He had just had his leg amputated and was on the video talking about how good he felt and how much more life he was looking forward to living.
And now... just a few months later, he's gone. Now, Wayman lived a life that many folks dream of. He lived large... just making it to the NBA is huge. But to make it to the NBA and then have a follow-up career as a jazz musician...wow. That's like hitting the lottery twice.
Today has been a day of cancer-reflection and thought. As I mentioned, I have two events this weekend where I will be discussing my breast cancer journey. And, to my surprise, I read a very touching email message this morning that detailed a sister's brief journey after discovering a lump in her breast. (if she gives me permission, I'll post it here) She credited me and my blog with helping her to take the lump seriously and checking it out quickly. Thankfully her lump wasn't cancerous - and that's usually the case - but I was most thankful that she even thought to check it out.
I titled today's entry "nothing left to say" for a couple of reasons. One, this song is one of my favorite songs at the moment. Two, sometimes there really isn't anything left to say in a particular situation. And three... often times we don't expect there to be an ending to what we have in our lives. But, there is always an ending. What's important is how we prepare for the end and how we decide to let things go.
The song is about a break-up and he details how they talked and heard each other but failed to communicate. How the things that he loved about her were the things that ultimately pushed him away. And that made me think of myself and how I'm embracing the changes that breast cancer has forced me to make. Like, no longer procrastinating about doing those things that bring me joy. Making sure to keep myself surrounded by people who love and support me and keeping those people who drain me or upset me at arm's length. Realizing that life is short but while I'm here, I deserve to enjoy every moment. I'm tired of feeling like "I can't afford it" or "I'm not ready for that". Dying at 44, I'm sure wasn't on Wayman's list of "things I can do". But, everything that I've ever read about the man tells me that he had an amazing life full of things he really wanted to do. He leaves behind a wife and 4 kids and millions of fans.
There's nothing left to say...
Living Green Festival
Want to create a more sustainable lifestyle like the town of Vauban, Germany? Okay so maybe talking to your city officials and banning cars might be a bit extreme at this point, but there is always something that you can do to reduce your carbon footprint. I keep hearing new ideas from other people and setting obtainable goals for myself, like reusable containers for my water instead of plastic bottles.
If you are unsure of what things you can do to create a more sustainable lifestyle then come on down to the Living Green Festival. There will be hands-on workshops, pictures with the Green Monster, A Green Vehicle Show and more! I also like that if you ride your bicycle there you will receive a free basic adjustment and tune up. Oh and if you bring a year of energy bills you can receive a free cost-saving breakdown and a chance to win an energy audit! Anyway you look at it there is something for everyone here.
Details:
Date: Saturday May 16th
Time: 10:00AM to 2:00PM
Location: Somerville High School, 81 Highland Ave.
Cost: Free!
Click here for more information.
Related Posts: Global Warning Cafe, What is hindering your ability to be green?, Was it Green? EarthFest 2008
Picture Courtesy of: http://www.scityvt.co.uk/assets/cycle.jpg
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
i'm back from miami...
My birthday celebration was extended to a mini-vacation in South Beach. I planned this trip for months. And it was absolutely fantastic.
Initially, I had wanted to spend the weekend away with my boyfriend. But months ago (well prior to our break-up) I knew that he didn't want to go. So, I didn't press him about it. And seeing how things ended up, I'm glad that I didn't. The weekend then became a "girls" weekend which was just as good to me. I was going to make my way to the beach, no matter what. I felt that I totally deserved this vacation.
I can admit now... that I was terrified of travelling alone. I was worried about the possibility that something might happen while I was in Florida, or en route and there would be no one who knew me or my history to help the situation. I'm happy to report that nothing happened. Nothing out of the ordinary anyway. My first day in South Beach I think I pushed myself a little too hard trying to hang out and I ended up really tired on Friday. It was fine though because I rested in the hotel room for awhile and by the time my girlfriend arrived Friday afternoon... I had gathered enough energy to hang out for awhile.
The trip was a good exercise for me in reasserting some independence and returning to a more normal "me". Going on vacation after cancer treatment seems to be quite normal. And though I'm not done yet with my treatment, the break was really helpful in clearing my mind and allowing myself a chance to just relax and feel free. I hope to make a few more short trips this summer and then plan for a really long trip - maybe to Africa - after my reconstruction surgery(ies) are completed next year.
Preparing for the trip was a true headache. From trying to find swimsuits that work, to buying products to protect my skin, on down to making sure that I had outfits that worked for the weekend. Utter madness and extreme frustration. A couple of things I know now... this cancer thing will manage to do what nothing else has done for me -- strip me of my ego and my conceit completely.
I will try to explain. I love the water. I love to swim and it is my dream to own a boat one day. I absolutely love the water. The radiation oncologist and her nurse told me weeks ago that I would be able to get into the ocean with no problems. But they also told me to steer clear of swimming pools. At the time, I didn't think that it would be a problem because I wasn't travelling all the way to Miami just to swim in a pool. (laughs) However, it did present a challenge for me because the pool was simply closer than the ocean. For a babe that was extremely tired on Friday... it took a lot of strength for me not to get into the pool -- even for a moment. But when I did dip into the ocean on Saturday, it was totally worth it. The water was so wonderful that I was glad that I didn't risk any infections by getting into the pool. Even if I was saddened that I lost a day of beach-time.
I say that cancer will strip me of my conceit because I find myself doing things that I HAVE to do -- even if I don't want to, and wish I didn't have to. Because I did not sew in the pockets into my swimsuit like I should have -- I honestly forgot to do it -- I found myself in South Beach with a wicked choice. Wear my bathing suits without my prosthesis and appear to the world completely lopsided... Or, wear my totally unattractive mastectomy bra which holds my prosthesis underneath my swimsuit (which meant that it would show to the world). Neither option was very "fashion forward". But the bra option was a bit more palatable. So, that's what I did. Keeping in mind that South Beach is top-optional... I was feeling very unsexy.
In all honesty, it was ugly. (sigh) But on the other hand... I didn't look like a lopsided freak to strangers on the beach. I was just the crazy lady with a bra showing under her bathing suit. (smile) Tacky maybe but not a freakshow.
Those were my options. :)
I managed to put it out of my mind that I was a tack-head and just embrace the beauty of the beige sand and beautiful, clear, turquoise water... and I stayed in the water as long as I could. It was nice. Nice enough that I know that I want to be at another beach (or the same one, I'm not picky) within the next month. Not sure how to make it happen, but I know that I need it. And then another beach the month after that... and another the month after that. Until, its too cold for the beach and time for my surgery.
I had my herceptin treatment today. Chemo day is never fun but today wasn't a bad day at all. I am tanned (even using 70 sunscreen, I managed to get good color) and I'm still relaxed from the beach. Though, I seem to have picked up a cold while at the hospital today and I'm a congested mess right now. (I am watching myself diligently for any symptoms of swine flu... sigh) And today, my oncologist finally gave me the ultimate approval to return to work. Its been a bit of a shifting target for the past few months but I got actual dates and instructions today. Whew. Today also was the first day that none of the staff asked about my ex. They talked to me, about me, and about my trip and my birthday. It felt good.
I'm still struggling with the break-up. Still questioning a lot of things and wondering where to go from here. I read today, an article about a book written by a breast cancer survivor. The book is a memoir about her life -- dating while dealing with breast cancer.
(shaking my head)
Now to me, THAT is incredibly strong. She was widowed a few years before her diagnosis but just as she was getting ready to get back into dating, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was a young woman in her 20's so she felt that getting married again was something she really wanted to do. So, she dated through her cancer treatment. Long story short, 6 years later, she's married and happy. So... I suppose that it is possible to meet someone who won't run for the hills at the mention of the c-word. I find that so hard to believe right now.
I'm not ready to date but at the same time, I know that if I don't at least entertain the option then I am determining that I will never get married. Ever. I can't do that. I do not want to spend the rest of my life single. Single isn't bad but its just not what I wanted for myself forever. But with cancer, so many things have changed and it feels like giving up on some dreams may be for the best if I don't want to burden others with my illness. I don't know.
I haven't decided whether to buy the book or not because I'm not sure that I want to read about that particular journey. But I may change my mind once I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin.
During the trip, there were a couple of moments when I felt less like the cancer-girl and more like a regular girl. They were fleeting moments but they did happen. I'm hopeful that as time goes on, they will become longer and stronger. Much like me. I am still working on getting comfortable with my body the way it is right now. And getting comfortable with risking losing someone as a potential partner when they learn that I have breast cancer. (that's just so scary to me) Ultimately, I'll have to learn to trust myself, and to trust that not every guy will run and hide from this.
I feel like I'm playing brothers short by not believing that there is at least one guy out there for me, the way that I am right now. But I am working on it. My guess is that it will simply take time before I feel worthy again of being loved and loving someone in return. Time isn't my best friend these days. I think of my mortality and my fragility everyday.
I'm still weighing the options about my reconstruction surgery -- whether to remove my unaffected breast in hopes of further reducing my chances of the cancer returning. I'm still searching for another plastic surgeon -- to get an alternate opinion and maybe find someone I have a better rapport with than the doctor I met with back in December. And I'm still pondering the issue of having kids. Do I try to get started on fertility treatments as soon as I get the greenlight from the doctor? Or do I start gathering research on adoption options?
I don't know. Maybe one day I will know, but until then I will continue to pray. :)
Have a great day... give a loved one (or a dear friend) a hug today. It will make you both feel better.
I promise.
Initially, I had wanted to spend the weekend away with my boyfriend. But months ago (well prior to our break-up) I knew that he didn't want to go. So, I didn't press him about it. And seeing how things ended up, I'm glad that I didn't. The weekend then became a "girls" weekend which was just as good to me. I was going to make my way to the beach, no matter what. I felt that I totally deserved this vacation.
I can admit now... that I was terrified of travelling alone. I was worried about the possibility that something might happen while I was in Florida, or en route and there would be no one who knew me or my history to help the situation. I'm happy to report that nothing happened. Nothing out of the ordinary anyway. My first day in South Beach I think I pushed myself a little too hard trying to hang out and I ended up really tired on Friday. It was fine though because I rested in the hotel room for awhile and by the time my girlfriend arrived Friday afternoon... I had gathered enough energy to hang out for awhile.
The trip was a good exercise for me in reasserting some independence and returning to a more normal "me". Going on vacation after cancer treatment seems to be quite normal. And though I'm not done yet with my treatment, the break was really helpful in clearing my mind and allowing myself a chance to just relax and feel free. I hope to make a few more short trips this summer and then plan for a really long trip - maybe to Africa - after my reconstruction surgery(ies) are completed next year.
Preparing for the trip was a true headache. From trying to find swimsuits that work, to buying products to protect my skin, on down to making sure that I had outfits that worked for the weekend. Utter madness and extreme frustration. A couple of things I know now... this cancer thing will manage to do what nothing else has done for me -- strip me of my ego and my conceit completely.
I will try to explain. I love the water. I love to swim and it is my dream to own a boat one day. I absolutely love the water. The radiation oncologist and her nurse told me weeks ago that I would be able to get into the ocean with no problems. But they also told me to steer clear of swimming pools. At the time, I didn't think that it would be a problem because I wasn't travelling all the way to Miami just to swim in a pool. (laughs) However, it did present a challenge for me because the pool was simply closer than the ocean. For a babe that was extremely tired on Friday... it took a lot of strength for me not to get into the pool -- even for a moment. But when I did dip into the ocean on Saturday, it was totally worth it. The water was so wonderful that I was glad that I didn't risk any infections by getting into the pool. Even if I was saddened that I lost a day of beach-time.
I say that cancer will strip me of my conceit because I find myself doing things that I HAVE to do -- even if I don't want to, and wish I didn't have to. Because I did not sew in the pockets into my swimsuit like I should have -- I honestly forgot to do it -- I found myself in South Beach with a wicked choice. Wear my bathing suits without my prosthesis and appear to the world completely lopsided... Or, wear my totally unattractive mastectomy bra which holds my prosthesis underneath my swimsuit (which meant that it would show to the world). Neither option was very "fashion forward". But the bra option was a bit more palatable. So, that's what I did. Keeping in mind that South Beach is top-optional... I was feeling very unsexy.
In all honesty, it was ugly. (sigh) But on the other hand... I didn't look like a lopsided freak to strangers on the beach. I was just the crazy lady with a bra showing under her bathing suit. (smile) Tacky maybe but not a freakshow.
Those were my options. :)
I managed to put it out of my mind that I was a tack-head and just embrace the beauty of the beige sand and beautiful, clear, turquoise water... and I stayed in the water as long as I could. It was nice. Nice enough that I know that I want to be at another beach (or the same one, I'm not picky) within the next month. Not sure how to make it happen, but I know that I need it. And then another beach the month after that... and another the month after that. Until, its too cold for the beach and time for my surgery.
I had my herceptin treatment today. Chemo day is never fun but today wasn't a bad day at all. I am tanned (even using 70 sunscreen, I managed to get good color) and I'm still relaxed from the beach. Though, I seem to have picked up a cold while at the hospital today and I'm a congested mess right now. (I am watching myself diligently for any symptoms of swine flu... sigh) And today, my oncologist finally gave me the ultimate approval to return to work. Its been a bit of a shifting target for the past few months but I got actual dates and instructions today. Whew. Today also was the first day that none of the staff asked about my ex. They talked to me, about me, and about my trip and my birthday. It felt good.
I'm still struggling with the break-up. Still questioning a lot of things and wondering where to go from here. I read today, an article about a book written by a breast cancer survivor. The book is a memoir about her life -- dating while dealing with breast cancer.
(shaking my head)
Now to me, THAT is incredibly strong. She was widowed a few years before her diagnosis but just as she was getting ready to get back into dating, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was a young woman in her 20's so she felt that getting married again was something she really wanted to do. So, she dated through her cancer treatment. Long story short, 6 years later, she's married and happy. So... I suppose that it is possible to meet someone who won't run for the hills at the mention of the c-word. I find that so hard to believe right now.
I'm not ready to date but at the same time, I know that if I don't at least entertain the option then I am determining that I will never get married. Ever. I can't do that. I do not want to spend the rest of my life single. Single isn't bad but its just not what I wanted for myself forever. But with cancer, so many things have changed and it feels like giving up on some dreams may be for the best if I don't want to burden others with my illness. I don't know.
I haven't decided whether to buy the book or not because I'm not sure that I want to read about that particular journey. But I may change my mind once I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin.
During the trip, there were a couple of moments when I felt less like the cancer-girl and more like a regular girl. They were fleeting moments but they did happen. I'm hopeful that as time goes on, they will become longer and stronger. Much like me. I am still working on getting comfortable with my body the way it is right now. And getting comfortable with risking losing someone as a potential partner when they learn that I have breast cancer. (that's just so scary to me) Ultimately, I'll have to learn to trust myself, and to trust that not every guy will run and hide from this.
I feel like I'm playing brothers short by not believing that there is at least one guy out there for me, the way that I am right now. But I am working on it. My guess is that it will simply take time before I feel worthy again of being loved and loving someone in return. Time isn't my best friend these days. I think of my mortality and my fragility everyday.
I'm still weighing the options about my reconstruction surgery -- whether to remove my unaffected breast in hopes of further reducing my chances of the cancer returning. I'm still searching for another plastic surgeon -- to get an alternate opinion and maybe find someone I have a better rapport with than the doctor I met with back in December. And I'm still pondering the issue of having kids. Do I try to get started on fertility treatments as soon as I get the greenlight from the doctor? Or do I start gathering research on adoption options?
I don't know. Maybe one day I will know, but until then I will continue to pray. :)
Have a great day... give a loved one (or a dear friend) a hug today. It will make you both feel better.
I promise.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Counting Counts! 2010 Census.
Census: Who, What, Where, When, and Why?
Being counted in the Census counts because its provides the government the ability to know where it should spend our money. For example, if a city or town has more children living in it than it had ten years ago, it might be a good place to build another school or playground. The census helps determine the distribution of roughly $300 billion a year in federal funds to state and local governments – or $3 trillion over a ten-year period.
What: It’s a count.
- The census is a count of everyone residing in the United States: in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and the Island Areas.
Who: Everyone & everywhere in the U.S.
- All residents of the United States must be counted. This includes people of all ages, races, ethnic groups, citizens and non-citizens.
When: Every 10 years.
- Census questionnaires will be mailed or delivered to every household in the United States in March 2010. The first Census was conducted in 1790.
Why: The numbers affect funding in y(our) community.
- The population totals determine each state’s Congressional representation. The numbers also affect funding in your community and help inform decision makers about how your community is changing.
How:
- The Census Bureau will mail or deliver questionnaires to your house in March 2010. The Bureau will mail a second form to households that do not respond to the initial questionnaire. Households that still do not respond will be called or visited by a Census worker. (Census workers can be identified by a census badge and bag.)
March 2010 be counted.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Your Name on Toast
Yep not kidding. You can have your name or web address written on toast for any amount of donation (min $100.00) to Oxfam-Ireland. If you click on any of the pieces of toast then it links you to the website of the doner.
The next logical question is why? Well the obvious answer to that is who doesn't love toast and who wouldn't want to see their name on toast?
The website claims it's a silly idea, but silly ideas get people talking and creates awareness of the cause you are trying to promote. SO TRUE! This is why I
loved watching Chicago station Channel 9 news in the morning growing up because they would make people do silly things, like be a human bowling ball and they would give you a bit of air time to promote your cause. If hurling myself down a bowling lane to knock down some pins helps end world poverty than I am in!
I would also like to point out that they have raised over $11,000.00 to help Oxfam-Ireland thus far! Think of what a unique mother's day gift it could be to, her name on toast.
Click here to buy your own toast.
Click here to see all the pieces of toast that have been written on.
Picture Courtesy of: http://yournameontoast.com/
P.S. Thanks for the idea Casey
Monday, May 4, 2009
PSA for CSA
Ah yes, that beautiful springtime Boston weather--when it's 90 degrees and sunny one day, yet 50 degrees and rainy the next. But it is at least spring, when April showers bring May farmers' markets (or I think that's the saying).
That's right, farmers' markets are right around the corner! And as we keep hearing about the salmonella scares in our food supply--sometimes ones that exist for years before the public finally learns about them, it's become increasingly apparent that knowing exactly where our food comes from is imperative to our well being. Worse, recent reports suggest that the H1N1 ("swine") flu may have derived from U.S. factory pig farms in the late 1990s; which if you have read Michael Pollan's, Omnivore's Dilemma, you know those are not fun places to be (see Chapter 11: The Animals).
But thankfully, and increasingly, farmers' markets (as great as they are) are not the only means to finding local, fresh, and clean produce. Behold the concept of CSA (Community-supported Agriculture). Before the season begins (read: now), consumers sign up to receive a "share" of the produce that is grown. Often times this will mean a box of produce that you can pick up each week and bring home. As this season progresses, different items will comprise your share. For example, in my CSA, we're expecting lettuce and tomatoes in June among other things, and onions and potatoes in October.
I don't want to give a full defense for CSA here--it would take too long and become boring, but I do want to point out a couple highlights: 1) You know where your food is coming from; 2) Your food will be fresh and clean (albeit not of dirt); 3) You will support your local economy; 4) Quite possibly meet a few farmers; 5) Stop spending so much time (and money) in supermarkets. Of course, there's one small downside, but it seems minor to all the benefits in comparison.
So if you want to sign up, I suggest you move quickly as the growing season approaches. Stillman's Farm, Allendale Farm, and Silverbrook Farms are all options I've heard of several times--but just do a quick search and you'll be able to find many more.
And if you aren't quite sold on this whole local, sustainable thing, but want to learn more, BU is hosting quite a number of events and talks this Friday and Saturday. If you can't make that, I suggest at least picking up a copy of King Corn--it's well worth the hour and a half.
And lastly if all of this has been old news, let us know your favorite farmers' markets in the Boston area, and/or the CSA you belong to. And maybe more importantly, your strategy for dealing with that last bit of kale :)
That's right, farmers' markets are right around the corner! And as we keep hearing about the salmonella scares in our food supply--sometimes ones that exist for years before the public finally learns about them, it's become increasingly apparent that knowing exactly where our food comes from is imperative to our well being. Worse, recent reports suggest that the H1N1 ("swine") flu may have derived from U.S. factory pig farms in the late 1990s; which if you have read Michael Pollan's, Omnivore's Dilemma, you know those are not fun places to be (see Chapter 11: The Animals).
But thankfully, and increasingly, farmers' markets (as great as they are) are not the only means to finding local, fresh, and clean produce. Behold the concept of CSA (Community-supported Agriculture). Before the season begins (read: now), consumers sign up to receive a "share" of the produce that is grown. Often times this will mean a box of produce that you can pick up each week and bring home. As this season progresses, different items will comprise your share. For example, in my CSA, we're expecting lettuce and tomatoes in June among other things, and onions and potatoes in October.
I don't want to give a full defense for CSA here--it would take too long and become boring, but I do want to point out a couple highlights: 1) You know where your food is coming from; 2) Your food will be fresh and clean (albeit not of dirt); 3) You will support your local economy; 4) Quite possibly meet a few farmers; 5) Stop spending so much time (and money) in supermarkets. Of course, there's one small downside, but it seems minor to all the benefits in comparison.
So if you want to sign up, I suggest you move quickly as the growing season approaches. Stillman's Farm, Allendale Farm, and Silverbrook Farms are all options I've heard of several times--but just do a quick search and you'll be able to find many more.
And if you aren't quite sold on this whole local, sustainable thing, but want to learn more, BU is hosting quite a number of events and talks this Friday and Saturday. If you can't make that, I suggest at least picking up a copy of King Corn--it's well worth the hour and a half.
And lastly if all of this has been old news, let us know your favorite farmers' markets in the Boston area, and/or the CSA you belong to. And maybe more importantly, your strategy for dealing with that last bit of kale :)
celebrating life...
My birthday brunch/lunch ended up being more of an early dinner. (laughs) Only one person was at the restaurant on time and it wasn't me. My party came in slowly over the course of about 1.5 hours. It was crazy... but funny. We ended up converging on the bar area for while because the restaurant would not seat us until a large portion of the group had arrived. Utter madness.
I'm not much of a stickler about time normally... but I was even more laid back about it than even I would have believed I could be. Though it wasn't expected, it was kind of cool that everyone was late because it gave me an opportunity to speak to each person individually, to hug and kiss them... and to just be with them for a moment. I'm not sure that I would have been able to do that if everyone was on time.
We laughed, had great conversation, took pictures, LAUGHED some more and generally created a jovial ruckus at the restaurant. We had a great time. I ended up wearing a pantsuit because I couldn't find a dress I liked. The suit was nice and it was comfortable but the shoes I picked - while cute were wrong, wrong... wrong. Could not walk in those bad boys. Lost my balance twice before I took them off and put them in my purse. (laughs)
I realize that everyone isn't like me... but I absolutely love celebrating my birthday every year in a nice way. This year was really great. The people who came were all people who mean a lot to me, people that by being fully and authentically themselves have taught me to be the same. Folks who are so good to me with the gift of their friendship, love and guidance that they make me want to be the best me I can be. There were people who were missing but I firmly believe that we are all where we're supposed to be no matter where we are. My birthday was supposed to be celebrated when it was, how it was and with that exact group of people.
The beauty of the celebration was the absolute joy of being in the presence of so much love. It didn't hurt that my friends are outspoken and easy to get along with. That took pressure off me to try to engage everyone with conversation. I didn't have to do a thing but look around me and enjoy the blessings of great friendships. I was very much in the moment and not stressing about my illness.
Lately my sleep has been fitful and short. But more than that, I've been having really vivid dreams -- not quite nightmares but about as close as you can get. Some of the dreams have led me to think long and hard about my own death, and also my own funeral and what that might be like. Morbid, I know but I'm being honest. I'm in no hurry for death to happen but I have been thinking about it lately. Seeing my friends together for a happy occasion was beautiful and it soothed my heart immensely.
Hey... we're all going to die one day. It will probably not be when we want, or where we want or even how we want. But, since I know that the day will come I want to make the most of the days I do have. Days like Saturday push that positive urge forward.
I have moments when I feel compelled to tell people - total strangers - that I'm fighting breast cancer. I can't explain it. I don't know if I want their understanding or pity... or if I just think that they care or need to know. But the urge is always just under my skin, just on the tip of my tongue. However on Saturday, surrounded by people who love me and know my story... it was a non-issue. The release of that burden was worth every minute I stressed about getting together, the time we spent waiting to be seated... and my trying to eat too-spicy food. It was WORTH IT, to not be solely present in my "I-have-breast-cancer-fear" for a few hours.
On reflection, I can't tell you what I did exactly. Maybe it was just being out. Or trying to walk in 5 inch heels. Or possibly the non-stop laughter for hours and hours... but whatever it was that I did... I was absolutely sore and totally worn out on Sunday. But it was a good fatigue and ache.
I tried to keep the event small because I did not want to overextend myself. Considering how tired I was on Sunday, I made a good choice. But, I will have to make more efforts to see all of my friends and family this year. It truly did my heart good to spend quality time celebrating life.
I am alive. Life will not always be what you want it to be. And you can expect a curveball to come your way when you're least prepared for it. But even with that, I know now that I am okay.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Voting Rights
It's not something we are exactly shy about at OYFP, we encourage everyone to go out and vote and be a part of the political system we have in the United States. It is our right to have our opinions heard on any particular issue and the right to choose the candidate which we would like to represent us in our political offices. It shows you care about the direction of the country and that you want to take an active part in the community around you. 
Why I bring this up is that the Supreme Court is reviewing the Voting Rights Act of 1965 which intended to protect minority voters in States with a history of discrimination. This act was renewed again by Congress in 2006, and now several states which fall under this act
( the majority are southern states) are claiming this isn't fair.
One part of the act, Section Five, names seven specific states and other local goverments with historical practices of minority voter discrimination, to require them to, "seek federal permission before making changes in voting procedures"
I do think some regulation is necessary to protect the rights of all voters, especially if the voter is unaware of the discriminations or discriminatory practices they are receiving because of their ethnic race. But is this historical data accurate, meaning during the recent vote of 2008, are there still many policies in place in these selected states and local goverments that are discriminatory towards minority voters?
Or is this something that should be relooked at with new data, even if it the adminstrative costs of this measure would be quite huge, and put new local goverments under the system to protect minority voters?
Either way you look at this voting is important. Your vote matters to who becomes the elected President, who then can appoint a Supreme Court Justice when one retires, who are currently deciding voting procedures. So in short, VOTE
Picture Courtesy of: http://travelblog.portfoliocollection.com/Category/November-2008
Link for the Race for the Cure Donations
http://globalrace.info-komen.org/site/TR/GlobalRaceForTheCure/GlobalRace?team_id=94600&pg=team&fr_id=1140 Race for the Cure
The link didn't show up in the previous post and I wanted to ensure that if you wanted to donate, you could do so.
A 5k isn't very long. Its just about 3 miles. But while that seemed like a short stretch of road a few months ago, today... its a real challenge to consider walking that far. But I plan to be there, with my pink shirt and my sneakers... ready to tackle the challenge.
I hope that I can count on your help too. If not for me -- just pick any one of the millions of women and men who are living with breast cancer now. Or consider the approximately 250,000 new diagnoses that will happen this year alone.
And now... imagine all of us CURED FOREVER.
That's why we need your donations. That last image in your mind. A cure.
ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!
Hot damn I made it! I'm 40 today... and it feels SO GOOD to be alive.
As usual, I'm awake in the middle of the night because these doggone hot flashes are giving me fits and my sleeping pills make me nauseous.
I spent a portion of yesterday in prayer and reflection. Just thinking about the past 40 years; the good times, the bad times and all that other stuff in the middle.
I'm here. My heart is overflowing right now because... I'm still here.
I'm feeling a lot of things but I'm finding it difficult to articulate them right now. So... I'll just say that I am ever so grateful for every person who helped to get me to this point. Family, friends... medical staff... strangers on twitter. (laughs) All of you.
THANK YOU. (from the bottom of my heart)
-----------------
The Susan G. Komen Foundation will be holding a 5k Race for the Cure in DC on Saturday, June 6th. I've signed up and created a team -- DC Sistagirls. We're going to walk 5 kilometers to raise money and bring more awareness to breast cancer. I'm accepting donations on behalf of the team and myself from now until race day. If you would like to donate, or join the team and walk with us, please click this link to donate or register.
The research for a cure and for better treatments is necessary. The treatment I received is more advanced than the treatment another woman may have received 10 years ago. And hopefully 10 years from now, treatment won't be necessary because we will have a cure. But until then... millions of men and women are counting on us to help them navigate this scary process.
Please help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)